CornNuts

I used to love CornNuts. You know those incredibly hard, toasted pieces of corn that have some sort of cheesy flavoring on them that I cant quite place but is utter deliciousness? Well, I enjoy them. I remember in 2nd grade; Sarah Chamberlin used to bring CornNuts in a little baggie to school for her afternoon snack. I used to get so jealous that she got to have CornNuts and I didnt. I am sure I could have just gone home and asked my mom to please pack Corn Nuts in my lunch too; but for some reason I didn't. Maybe I just enjoyed being overdramatic about the whole thing; and being able to say: "Its not FAAAIIIRRR!!! Sarah has corn nuts! I want Corn Nuts toooo!!!" Either way, from being envious of Sarah and her CornNuts, I grew up to be an avid CornNut eater. I would buy them in those little bags and chomp on them furiously; almost daring them to make each of my teeth fall out one by one with their baffling hard texture and crunch.





Don hated CornNuts and used to make fun of me all the time for eating them. We always mocked one another for our various and sometimes odd food choices."What is the attraction to these things?" he would say. "They practically knock your teeth out, and Its like eating plywood." "Yes, but it's cheese-flavored plywood!", I would retort as I crunched close to his face to purposely annoy him. "Jesus, could they be any louder? I think that's the loudest food on earth." "You're the loudest food on earth". I realize this statement makes absolutely no sense to the normal observer, but it is something Don started doing a couple years ago, for no particular reason. Anything I would say, he would come back with that; adding "you're" and then repeating the sentence back. The less sense it made, the funnier it was. A few examples:







Me: "How was your turkey sandwich?" Him: "Youre a turkey sandwich."

Me: "We have to call Paul soon and fill out our tax forms." Him: "You're a tax form."

Me: "Hi Boo. Can you come down and help me with the groceries? I have 4 heavy bags." Him: "You're 4 heavy bags."





　

I think you get the idea. It was perhaps one of the dumbest and silliest things in the world, but for some reason, it made us laugh really hard everytime. This bizarre ritual even spread to a few of our good friends; namely John, Jessica, and Kevin. Eventually; we were all doing it. It was always funny, but it was best when you completely didnt expect it to happen. About a month ago; John, Jessica and I were at a diner on the Upper East Side of Manhattan; up by their apartment. John was talking about something; I cant remember what; and the last thing he said was "it's just so completely pointless and lame." There was a short beat; and then; in unison; Jessica and I both said: "Youre completely pointless and lame." It was one of the first reminders of Don that made me laugh without even thinking about it. It was just stupidly funny.





　

But I digress. Let us get back to what's important. CornNuts. Now please keep in mind my love of CornNuts that I have expressed to you here. Now with that in mind; I will say this: I have not eaten CornNuts since Don died. Why? Because I am terrified that I will choke on a CornNut. For real. I am scared to death that I will choke while alone in my apartment; and be found days or weeks later; when someone finally realizes that I am missing. They will open the door and see me lying on the floor surrounded by cat poop and askew CornNut remnants. Then Sammy and Autumn will be taken away by mean men in labcoats to a Kill-Shelter and when noone adopts them, they will be immediately destroyed. Thats what they always say on those Pet Posts: "To be IMMEDIATELY DESTROYED!" These are the things that constantly come into my head now; after losing Don. What if I choke on a CornNut and die? What if I slip and fall in the shower and die? What if this old, ancient apartment where nothing works has a gas leak, or carbon monoxide poisoning? What if I get mesothelioma? I dont even know what the fuck that IS, but apparently enough people have it that there are endless lawyers on TV who specialize in it, so of course, I panic about it. What if I have a heartattack, like he did, and Im ALONE here? He was only alone for maybe a minute or two before they found him collapsed on the floor at work, and to me, that is two minutes too many. If you live alone, it could be WEEKS before anyone knows you died!!! What if I am standing on the kitchen chair while changing the ceiling lightbulb that I can just barely reach even while on a chair; and I fall and crack my head open? The cats would not only NOT call 911, but they would also eat my blood pouring out of my head like it was a fine tuna fish. Keep in mind these are the same cats that are famous for enjoying each other's vomit as a mealchoice. What if I die in my sleep? You always hear about people who just randomly stop breathing and die in their sleep. It could take days for anyone to figure out anything happened to me. I could slide off the road in the middle of winter after some out of the way comedy gig, and because noone is waiting here for me to arrive home safely, who would know? What if I die on the toilet? I saw an episode of THE SOPRANOS once, where one of the mob guys died while taking a shit. That seriously ranks up there as one of the most humiliating ways to die EVER. I could choke on CornNuts, or steak, or rice. Sometimes a grain of rice can get stuck down there. People dont think about choking on rice, but its a very dangerous food to eat while alone. There are many foods I will not eat while alone now. I will enjoy some CornNuts while in the company of others. Not while sitting here alone with two pointless cats that will only stare at me as I slowly lose breath and leave earth forever. There are multiple ways that I could die, out of the blue, and because I am here by myself now, it would go unoticed. Worse than that, my death could have been prevented if only my husband were here with me while I was choking on that CornNut.







I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac. Not on any serious level or anything, but I always got a kick out of coming up with all the different ways that I might die and sharing them with Don. It was like a game. I loved to annoy him, and he laughed like hell at my ridiculousness. We would take walks along the Hudson River on our street, and there are these areas where you look over and its a large cliff-like thing; heading down several large hills and dirt and grass before getting to another street. I loved to look over the edge and say to Don: "What would happen if I just jumped off this cliff right now? Would I die?" "Ummm yes Boo, you would die." "But what if I just became severely paralyzed and didnt die? Would you take care of me and stay married to me?" "Not if you did it on PURPOSE, you whackjob!" "But if I was just a head in a wheelchair, you wouldnt leave me?" "No Boo. I wouldnt leave you if you were just a head. But if you dont shut up soon, I might throw you over that cliff myself." "Yes, Boo. I will shut up now." "Thank God!"







I also always seemed to have random things wrong with me; and he was always perfectly healthy. If anything, he MIGHT get a cold once a year, and it would be over in 2 days flat. In all the years I knew Don, he NEVER once called out of work for being sick. He called out of work one time; after Isabelle died. He took 2 sick days so we could grieve for sweet Izzy cat. He was NEVER sick. Never had a flu or anything like that. He didnt even get headaches. I remember him telling me when we first met that he had never had a headache before and didnt know what they felt like. "What do you mean youve NEVER had a headache? How is that possible?" "I dunno. Ive just never had one." I used to get migraines all the time, and he would help me through them. Or Id wake up one morning and have a randomly huge bubble on my back. I remember questioning him for days about that bubble. "What if its cancer? What if I have cancer? Who gets cancer in their BACK?" "Its not cancer, Boo. You'll be fine." I was always flipping out about something, and he was always telling me it would be okay. Another time I got this weird rash-like thing all up and down my arms and legs. I went to a dermatologist, twice, and they gave me stuff to rub on it that never really helped, and we never did figure out what the hell it was. Eventually it mostly went away, but not completely. I also have strange allergies; to cilantro and jalapeno. Long ago, I was rushed to the ER for accidentally eating cilantro. (someone had put it inside mashed potatoes and I didnt know.) My entire throat closed up and I couldnt breathe. Then there was the time that Don and I were sitting here, last year, watching TV. I got up to get a drink, and all of a sudden my back went out. I couldnt move at all. I threw out my back watching TV. Don had to get me to the hospital, get me home, and take care of me for five days straight as I sat in his favorite chair in our living room; unable to move. Lower lumbar strain. That is what they said it was. They gave me percacet and that made things 100 times worse. I took half a pill, had hallucinations, threww up, and felt like I was dying for three days. I cried and hugged Don over and over as I said: "Im dying. I really think Im dying. Why is my heart beating so fast?" He simultaneously laughed at me and put washcloths on my forehead. All I know is that it was incredibly painful backpain followed by incredibly horrific percacet side effects, and if Don wasnt there to take care of me, it would have been hell on earth.







Last Easter, we were at my parents house in Massachusetts, eating dinner, when I started choking on potato salad. A piece of potato was too large and I didnt chew it enough, apparently, and suddenly I couldnt get a breath out. I banged the table a few times, ran into the living room, and kept trying to swallow it. It was stuck inside my throat. I finally got it down and was okay, but that minute or two was very scary. What I remember most though, was that Don followed me into the room, and stood there right next to me, waiting and ready to take action if I was choking for real. It made me feel so safe. I was almost choking, but I also knew Id be okay because he was there with me and he always made sure I was okay. A few months before he died, he was on his overnight EMT shift; and I was home alone. I was drinking a glass of water, and I almost choked on it. Who chokes on water??? (despite these past two stories, I am actually NOT someone who is constantly choking on things. In fact, these are the only two times I can remember it happening ever.) It wasnt a full choke; just went down the wrong pipe; but I was coughing and doing the eye-watering thing for ten minutes afterwards. I totally freaked out at the thought of that happening while he was at work and not here next to me. I texted him once I calmed down, and we had this dialogue: (I found it on my phone, so whats written below is the exact text exchange that we had) Sometimes I just stare at this exchange of texts on my phone; and I laugh and smile and cry.







Me: Boo, I just almost choked on water lol.

Him: Seriously? Only you would do that.

Me: I could have died.

Him: You didnt die.

Me: But I could have.

Him: You're fine Boo.

Me: But this is why Im glad we are married. We both need someone there in case the other person chokes on something.

Him: LOL But Im at work, so it doesnt matter that youre married, since I wasnt home anyway when it happened.

Me: But I can text you and tell you and youll send help.

Him: .... OR ...you could use that time to call 911 and save your own life!!!!

Me: But you ARE 911, so I could save my own life by calling YOU to have YOU save my life. Its ironic, dont you think?

Him: Yeah. Like rain on your wedding day.

Me: A free ride, when youve already paid.

Him: Okay Boo. I gotta go. We have to pick up a patient. I cant sit here and quote Alannis Morisette songs with you all night.

Me: You're an Alannis Morisette song.

Him: LOL Try to get through the rest of your night without accidently killing yourself.

Me: I guess that means staying away from the CornNuts.

Him: You're a CornNut.

The 9-11 Effect

(me and Don at the US Open, about 9 years ago today)

Today is the 10 year Anniversary of 9-11. And as the media becomes saturated with all kinds of coverage and tug at your heart-strings stories, and as NYC faces another "credible threat" from the lovely Al queda douchebags in the form of car and truck bombs to commemorate,I cant help but think back to where I was in my life on that morning. And how things today are so very much different, yet very much the same. It was a Tuesday morning, and I was in my second year of teaching Adjunct at Adelphi. Back then, I used to take the NJ Transit bus into the city, walk down to Penn Station, then jump on the LIRR train out to Long Island. It was a huge pain in the ass and took forever, but I didnt have a car back then, so its all I knew. I was also only teaching one Acting Course at that time; instead of the three classes I now teach each semester. My friend Marina who I went to college with years back was teaching the other session of the same course, so we would ride the train together from the city out to Long Island.





It was a perfectly gorgeous day, the weather was sunny and comfortable. I remember getting onto the bus for the short ride into the city, when suddenly we heard this weird noise. It felt like an earthquake, if I had known what an earthquake felt like. Everyone on the bus looked over to the left at the Manhattan skyline, and we saw what looked like smoke and flames coming out of one of the Towers. The bus turned a corner and went into the Lincoln Tunnel. None of us really knew what was happening, and there was this chaotic, confused feeling as we all got off the bus onto 42nd street. As I started to walk the 8 blocks down to Penn Station, hundreds of people were on their cell phones. I remember a lot of questions and panicked voices to loved ones. The panic slowly grew over time. It was as if the entire city of NY was trying to figure out a mystery or put together a puzzle: "I think there was a plane crash." "Something just hit the World Trade Center building!" " Mom, Robbie just called and said the Tower is on fire!"



If you dont know the layout of NYC, that downtown area where it happened isnt visible from where I was, so all the people walking around in that general area were moving about with baffled expressions on their faces, not knowing yet the full horror of the situation. As I got closer to Penn Station, things got more fast-paced and chaos ensued quickly. Cops began appearing out of nowhere, instructing people to please move onto the trains or out of the way. I found myself running into Penn Station, and practically being pushed onto a train. "Whats going on?" Marina asked me. "I dont know. We saw smoke coming out of the Tower from the bus and this awful noise. I think a plane hit it." Marina looked scared, and I wasnt much help. I will never forget getting onto that train, pulling out of the station, and then watching all of the people simultaneously take out their cell phones, one after another, as we were now above ground and reception had returned. At first, there was a lot of noise and commotion. Everyone was on their phone, calling someone, trying to find out what was going on. Then, finally, a voice yelled out to all of us: "Another plane just hit the other tower!" There was a collective gasp, some crying, and then an eery silence fell over us as the train continued out of NYC and into Long Island. I remember another person telling the person next to them that they think it was a terror attack. That is when I officially became scared. Terror attack? Here? That seemed impossible. I remember panicking and my heart beating faster, thinking: "Holy shit! What if theres a bomb on this train? What if one of them is on this train and they are going to kill us next?" At that point, I was immediately convinced that these people were hitting us from all transportation angles. First planes, then trains, subways, buses, taxis, everything. We were so used to a safe, cushy life here in America. Everything changed in an instant.



Eventually, we got to our stop and arrived in Garden City. Marina and I figured that classes would most likely be cancelled; but we didnt have much choice other than to continue on to our destination. We were on a moving train and it was still going, so what could we do? I recall arriving at campus and going to where my first class was being held; the library. Don't ask me why the hell an Acting class was held inside of a quiet classroom inside of a library. Thats another story for another time. Basically; the University puts my classes wherever they happen to have space for us. Sometimes its a theatre, other times its the Science Lab or a library. I walked in, and the huge projector was pulled down and everyone was watching the TV on it. The news. There must have been 60 people in this tiny room, all gathered together, watching to see what would happen next. Some were my students, others were employees, other students, faculty.



I think it was about five minutes after we arrived that the first tower started crumbling, falling. It just started disappearing in a grey cloud right before our eyes. I couldnt believe what I was seeing. Im pretty sure I started crying. A female student of mine put her hand over her face as she said: "My dad is a firefighter! Oh My God, I think he's in there." Another student cried as he tried to call the same number over and over without getting through; to his uncle who worked in one of the Towers. It was mass hysteria and calm all at once in that room. People were almost paralyzed, not familiar with how to react to something like this. I dont even think there was any sort of announcement that classes would be cancelled; everyone just sort of began scattering in different directions. Marina and I both tried to call our families, but none of the phones were working. A few minutes passed, then the second tower fell down. This cannot be happening. This cannot be happening. This isnt happening. It was the same thing I continued to say out loud to noone and the universe on the morning of July 13; when the hospital called and said simply: "You need to get here right away. We have your husband." And in both cases, I dont remember the specific details of the next few hours; only vague moments and feelings.



One thing I remember is that some of us ended up in some administrators office on campus. It had one of the only working phones; and there was a line of people waiting to use it. I think it was sometime after 1pm when I was finally able to reach my parents. "Im okay", I remember saying, "Im on campus and none of the phones are working so I cant talk, but Im okay." I think my mom said "Thank God!" and begged me to please call again as soon as I was able. Phones went back and forth from working to not working, and then eventually, not working. All transporation into and out of the city was shut down, so I was stuck on Long Island until further notice. Marina's mother-in-law Susan; Dave's mom, worked at Adelphi (and still does), and she graciously invited me and Marina to spend a night or two with their family, which I did. I will always be so grateful to Susan and the rest of Dave's family for taking me in and giving me a place to feel safe in a time where I felt so incredibly scared. We ate dinner that night, and sat by the TV as if our lives depended on it. I cant recall how long it was before I could actually use my cell phone to call my close friends. I just remember checking my messages and having something like 27 of them. At least 4 of them were from my friend Kevin, who I had just recently become close with after ending up in the same comedy class at Caroline's Comedy Club. We hit it off right away, and we both had killer sets at our debut show only the week before this hell day. He just kept calling and saying: "Please please get back to me and let me know youre okay." There were several from other friends, family, everyone.



At that time, Don and I were still in the long-distance phase of our relationship. We hadn't met in person yet, but we had been talking online and on the phone for a very long time at that point, we cared about each other a lot, and we were both very ready to take it to the next level and see what would come of things. Don was on his EMS shift in Florida when 9-11 went down, and I dont think he had a cell phone yet, so I had to leave a message on his answering machine at his apartment. Later that night, I did finally talk to him, and he told me he had tried to reach me over and over again that day from work, but none of the calls went through. Never having been to NYC, he didnt know the layout or how close I was to the World Trade Center, how I got to work, and whether or not I would be in the direct line of fire, so to speak. I remember his voice being shaky and filled with relief as he kept saying: "I was very worried Boo. Its just such a helpless feeling being all the way down here. I cant DO anything and I didnt know if you were okay. We need to meet soon. You must be terrified. This is crazy." The events of 9-11 and the horror of what could have happened to me, to any of us, are what pushed our relationship forward, and made us both want to take a risk on each other, because life is short, and you never know if someone is going to go to work one day at their office job inside Tower One and never come out, or if they are going to appear perfectly healthy and go to work at their part-time job and end up in cardiac arrest. You just dont know.





There is something I have noticed in relation to both 9-11 and Don's death. I refer to it as "the 9-11 Effect." Remember right after 9-11, how NYC became a totally different place, and people changed overnight from bitter, hurried grumps who didnt have a second to spare to patriotic, beautiful, generous, patient souls? Remember how in the wake of that awful horror, our city came together as one; with the mission of helping one another however we possibly could? Suddenly strangers talked to each other, held doors for one another, gave each other a smile or a hello. There was an instant chemistry and bonding between everyone who lived here; as if every person you saw looked at you with their eyes and said: "I get it. I understand your pain." You saw American flags on the outside of every home, people lit candles in the streets and prayed for humankind, for peace. Everyone put aside their differences and their attitudes and really came together. It was a thing of beauty. And then it was over. After awhile, the newness of the fear of that day went away, and with it, so did the unity. The flags started to come down, doors were slammed in your face once again, and people began to move on with their lives, and NY became moody NY again.



The same exact thing happened when Don died. Within minutes of hearing about his sudden death, I was overwhelmed by people. People came out of the woodwork for me. People I literally havent heard from in years, sometimes decades, were offering their support and love to me, reaching out in various different ways. My voicemail flooded with messages within hours. I think there were 56 messages on that first day. The texts were coming at me like wildfire. I thought maybe I had become famous and just forgot. I couldnt keep up. The first three days and nights after it happened, there were a total of probably 16 people inside our tiny apartment. They came in shifts; sometimes overlapping. They brought food, and fruit baskets, and flowers, and love. My friend Matt was on crutches and hobbled his way from upstate NY just to be there for me. He could barely walk and looked like he was about to topple over, but he was there. My friend Shawn, who I havent seen in years, buzzed my apartment door at 11:30pm on the second or third night after Don's death. I was here with my mom, and the second shift of friends had just left, when suddenly, Shawn appears. "I didnt know what to do, so I just came over."



My mom and I sat there and watched him eat a turkey sandwich, and watching him eat one made me hungry for the first time in three days, so I ate a few bites of one too. He sat with me and talked; and kept me occupied. He distracted me when I needed a distraction. On the day of the funeral, I was so overwhelmed and moved by the various people that showed their faces there, and the things people did to show they loved us. Sarah and Julio making gourmet dishes from their restaurant to serve up to guests after the services; all the many people who agreed to speak and write eulogies about Don. My family, who loved Don like a son, grieving with me, and my brother rubbing my back in support as I sobbed looking at my future in that casket. My old college friend Nicole showing up at a funeral, the very same week of her own wedding. The irony of that was not lost on me, and I was touched by her presence. So many old college friends that I hadnt been in touch with for awhile, or not at all. A comedy Facebook friend of mine whom I had only met once before, Mindi, showed up and told me she was there to acknowledge our love, because it was obvious that it was a special one. So nice. Friends from the comedy community stopping by to pay their respects. Feeling the connection, the brotherhood that comes with being the wife of an EMT. So many acquaintences, people that worked with Don only a few times, the super of our apartment building and his wife, unexpected people. The Air Force presenting me with that American flag on behalf of The President of the United States; "we thank you for your service." The honor and the pride of it all. It was beautiful, and I felt like I was a part of something special.



The love and the comfort and the people continued to come days after that service, weeks even. Friends took me to lunch over and over. People dont know what else to do, so they take you to lunch. I had 67 lunches in a two week period. And then , slowly, the lunches diminished. The people went away. The responses to my Facebook status updates werent as many. And that Air Force thing? Sure, it was beautiful, and they really did love Don, but that was a standard military service. They do it for all their men. When you try and receive some kind of survivors benefits because your husband served his country and died so young, they are suddenly nowhere to be found. Suddenly the President doesnt care quite so much about Don's time in the service; because apparrently it wasnt enough time to qualify for any sort of help. The honor, the pride, the flag ... its all part of the show. Just like people and their patriotism after 9-11. Unless you personally lost someone on that day or were personally affected, you begin to recover from it. You go back to the way you were before. Maybe on a day like today, you acknowledge it, because you are supposed to. Because its an "anniversary" and thats what you do. But in the end, when it comes down to it, what have you really changed?



And the thing is, I knew in my heart that would happen. I knew it and I felt it. because it happened on 9-11. All that patriotism and love, it was just temporary. It was real for some people, of course, but with others, it disappeared when the tragedy was no longer in their face. Days after this happened, I remember telling my friend Jessica that I wasnt afraid of the right now, because I am surrounded by friends. I couldnt knock people off with a stick at that time. I was afraid of what would happen 2 months, 4 months, 6 months, even a year down the road. I knew even then, that I would need my friends more than ever, months from now. Jessica assured me that well after everyone else has stopped calling and stopped checking on me, "we will be here for you, for the long haul." And she has been. A lot of my friends have been; and a lot of support has continued to come from unexpected places. However; some people have fallen by the wayside, and that doenst really surprise me. Its disappointing, but it doesnt surprise me. Not everyone will step up to the plate when its time. Some dont know what to do, so they do nothing. Its just human nature. It didnt happen to them, so they eventually move on.



Its the 9-11 Effect. When the wound is fresh, ,and the fear and pain are immediate, the people will come. It is only now, almost two months later, that I am starting to figure out who my real friends will turn out to be; and who will simply fold up their American flag and throw it away.

Famous for Doing Nothing - The Crap We Glorify in America

Kate Gosselin. Octo-Mom. The Real Housewives of Whatever Random-Ass State. Paris Hilton. Kim Kardashian. Snooki. Heidi Montag. Nicole Richie. And on and on and on and on ...

What do these names have in common? They are all famous for doing absolutely nothing. I call them "Pointless Celebrities." They are literally pointless. And famous. And thats just one category of the famous for no reason. In addition to being famous for doing absolutely nothing (Paris Hilton), there is also the following:

1. Famous for making a sex-tape of yourself
2. Famous for being a complete moron or idiot
3. Famous for having a lot of kids that you can't afford, OR for generally living an irresponsible life and being rewarded for it with some retarded reality-show
4. Famous for being an addict(and then getting PAID to go on a TV show and go to "rehab" in front of the entire country)



And this list is just the tip of the iceberg. There are hundreds more of these types of leeches who appear all over my television, on magazine covers, in newspapers, online, and just about everywhere else you turn in life; there they are again. They mock me with their millions of dollars and their overdone plastic surgeries and their tiny "dogpurses" that they call pets and their umpteenth stint at "rehab". These people are famous, and they don't deserve to be. They have done nothing to warrant such fame and exposure, and they live their lives inside of a bubble. A bubble created by America.

Why do I care? I care because I'm sick and tired of it. I care because I am disgusted and angered by the amount of attention that people like this are getting; and by the fast-pace at which people like this are outnumbering people like me. I care because I am annoyed and pissed off that people continue to support and watch this kind of garbage. Because for every new piece of crap like "Jersey Shore", a great and underrated show like "Men of a Certain Age" will be taken off the air because nobody is watching it. For every pointless Kim Kardashian who makes a sex-tape and gets famous for it, another female continues to struggle, work really hard, and feel bad about herself for NO REASON. And for every show like "16 and Pregnant",(just to name one of many shows that exist under the guise of being "helpful" but really are exploitation and glorification of something that should not be used as entertainment) another kid is sitting at home realizing they don't need to go to college to be somebody. And hey, it's okay if you get pregnant and you're only in junior high. This girl on MTV pulled through, and man is she cool. Everything will be fine. All these kids need to do is take a look at the thousands of idiots on TV in front of them. Why bother educating yourself or working for a living, when you can just do something moronic and get rewarded for it? Why work your ass off for years on end, only to see somebody who has done NOTHING go on to be successful? Why be a responsible, commited adult; when you can act like a complete asshole, get in fights, get drunk off your ass, and get your own TV show? It doesn't exactly inspire a thirst for work ethic, now does it? Actually, it takes the old saying about "working hard to get what you want" and laughs in it's ancient face.

I don't know what makes me more angry; the fact that this crap is taking over the airwaves and society; or the fact that we are allowing it to take over. Yes, you can blame the Networks and producers for creating it and putting it on TV - but the fact remains that it wouldn't BE there or STAY there if so many people didn't watch it. Personally, I refuse to support any of these people or their projects. I just won't do it. And when I go onto Facebook on a Wednesday night and literally EVERY other status update is commenting on the "Jersey Shore" premiere, I get upset. It upsets me that THIS is the crap people like to see on television. Really? Why? It baffles me why you would want to watch these pointless douchebags beating each other up, drinking their heads off, and generally acting like morons. And then people say they only watch it to "make fun of it - I'm laughing at them." Right. And they are laughing at all of US while they sit home counting their millions and buying that third summer home. Gee, you really told THEM now, didn't you? It's sickening.

Even more sickening than the people who are famous for acting like idiots, are the ones who are famous for having a billion kids. Kate Gosselin. Octo-Mom. The Duggards. These people make me ill. With Kate Gosselin, first of all, who CARES about you and your stupid kids? I don't. Couldn't care less. It bores me to death. But more importantly, stop acting like a victim with the poor me crap all the time. "Waaah, there's cameras in my face, leave me alone" - then five minutes later creating a SECOND reality show because your "kids" would be heartbroken without the cameras. Yeah. Okay. I think YOU would be heartbroken to no longer be getting undeserved attention. As far as The Octo-mom, this woman just needs to go away and stop having goddamn kids. She is literally famous because she has a lot of kids and doesn't seem stable in ANY way, shape or form to support or properly care for them. So what does America do? We glorify that. We give her a reality show, we put her on Dr. Phil and GIVE HER FREE SHIT. "It's for the children" - people say. Bullshit. Dr. Phil is in this for the ratings, and he LOVES it when the latest dumbass with no responsibility for their own actions comes along so he can get the first interview. None of this is for those children. It's all selfish. If that woman had a brain in her head, she wouldn't HAVE children that she can't afford to take care of. She would actually THINK before having all these kids. Guess what? I am 39 yrs. old, married, and struggling financially. Would I like to have children? Yes, I would. Will we have them? Probably not. Maybe not ever. You know why? Because we cannot afford kids. We barely make enough money to support ourselves, and to me, bringing a child into that environment purposely is irresponsible and selfish. I just don't feel comfortable doing it. It's called SACRIFICING and living a RESPONSIBLE LIFE. You have to make choices, and usually, you just can't have everything you want simply because you want it. I realize these things ahead of time, and make my choices accordingly. Where the hell's MY reality show?

Paris Hilton is another one. Here is a girl who literally does nothing. What does she do? She goes to parties and poses. She is a "socialite." That's pretty much it. She is famous because she exists, because of her name. Did she earn ANY part of that fame? No. And not only that, but then she gets to play off of that fame with MORE fame, just because she feels like it. Perfume lines, reality shows, whatever she wants. Great. I wish I could say "Gee I'm bored, I think I'll start my own fingernail polish line." That might be fun.

Then we have all the addicts. These are the has-beens who have lost their fame long ago, and are trying to get it back by appearing on these shows such as "Celebrity Rehab." They go on TV and supposedly get clean, go through rehab. And by the way, they are getting PAID money to appear on these shows. Quite a bit of money. Here's my problem with this: if someone offered to pay ME $20k to lose 80pounds, you better believe I could drop that weight fast. But I would only put it back on again. These people are not doing this for the right reasons. They are doing it for more fame, exposure, and money. They are not ready. And this is my issue with this homeless man Ted Williams. While I think it's wonderful that he seems to be getting the help he needs NOW, the fact remains that this man is not READY nor deserving of fame. Why do you think he was homeless in the first place? Because of drugs. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic. He was also a radio DJ. He already HAD his chance, and he blew it back then. Now - the right person comes along at the right second, puts him on youtube, and the man is suddenly an "inspirational story." I have nothing against thig guy, but I don't really find this story all that inspirational. In fact, I knew from the minute I saw his Don Cheadle mixed with Robert Downey Jr. in "Tropic Thunder" mug that his fame wouldn't last, and that he wasn't REALLY off the drugs or alcohol. This is a man who has NINE kids, an addiction, and a LOT of unresolved issues in his life. Yes, he has a perfect radio voice. But it takes more than that. What about all of us who aren't drug addicts? Where do we fit in?

I often joke that I will never make it in this business because I don't have a tragic, heartbreaking story. I wasn't molested at age 5. My parents loved me and I had an amazingly happy childhood. I have good memories and great friends. My husband is incredible. I don't do drugs, I don't smoke. Hell, I barely even drink. My greatest vice is too many cupcakes, and I've been working HARD to make it in this business since I moved to NY to attend college as a Theatre Major all those years ago. But that's a boring story. You're not going to see any sort of "Behind The Music" about THAT. Sometimes I think that instead of spending all my time working 3 part-time jobs, auditioning, and doing endless comedy club gigs for zero money; I should just STOP putting in so much effort. Reverse my goals. I'm not THAT far from 300pounds - why not just make THAT my goal? Maybe if Im MORE obese and more lazy, then people will start offering me reality shows. Maybe I should become a drug-addict, or an alcoholic. Really, I should stop concerning myself with feeding my future children and just HAVE EM ANYWAY! Hell, America will feed them for me. I need to have at LEAST a dozen or so to get noticed, so I had better start soon.

Am I angry and bitter? Sure. I should be. Let me tell you why. I am 39 yrs. old, and being a performer has been my dream since I was a little kid. Everything I have done in my life so far has been to work toward that dream. There have been a lot of things I have sacrificed to live this way; and every single day is a struggle. There have been too many days and months of living off Ramen Noodles; or turning down time at comedy clubs because I can't come up with the $2.50 bus money to get myself into the city. I work 3 part-time jobs on average. Sometimes more. My husband works as an EMT, and cannot get a second part-time job to save his life, because most companies are ageists and automatically hire the younger kids. We rent an apartment that is way too small, in the most expensive city on earth. We have a car that is 13 years old and runs on hope. Our idea of a vacation is going to my parents house for two days, because it doesn't cost us much. I do all of these things and live this way because there is still a tiny part of me that will never die, that truly believes that I will succeed oneday. There is a part of me that KNOWS I am talented, and that I am funny, and that I have something unique and different to offer the world. So we struggle with money, and we struggle to just BE what we want to be and do what we want to do with our lives. And here's the thing: we ALREADY have to deal with people who "make it" simply because they were born into famous families, and people who make it solely because of their model Hollywood looks. NOW you throw THIS crap on top of all of that, and it's no wonder I don't commit immediate murder whenever I come home from a long, uninspired day and see "The Situation" on my tv.

We glorify all of the wrong things in this country. We focus on all of the wrong people. We put all of the morons and idiots front and center on our TV screens and in our magazines. Our idea of what makes a "celebrity" is really sad sometimes. I don't understand why people like this sort of stuff. Why anyone wants to watch a bunch of rich, fake women gossip and act like adult children on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta", or see who wants to be "friends" with Paris Hilton on "Paris Hilton's BFF" is beyond me. I will never understand this. And I am sorry if you think I am a bitch for not finding Ted Williams story inspirational. I have worked too damn hard to find something like that a "feel good story." You know what would be a feel-good story? A 39 yr. old woman who is a comedian and actor and has worked hard her entire LIFE to get somewhere with it, writes a blog about how all the wrong people are famous for no reason - and the right person reads it and SHE FINALLY GETS HER BIG BREAK!!! She gets a featured role on SNL, then "30 Rock", then her very own show where she can do all her characters and stand-up and all of the other things that have been sitting inside her head for years. She finally gets the fame that she DESERVES. And she DOESN'T end up on drugs or go to rehab because of it - she actually appreciates the fame and lives a wonderful life and uses the money to help her family and to rent her and her husband a decent place to live with central-air. THAT IS A FUCKING FEEL-GOOD STORY, DAMMIT!

But that will never sell to the networks.

Jesus Christ. Somebody please hire me already.

The End.


www.kelleylynncomedy.com

All I Wanted to Do Was Take a WALK!!! ... and other Weight-Loss Frustrations

It all started about a week ago when I suddenly realized that this year, in September, I will be 40 yrs. old. Actually, that's not true. It ALL started about my sophomore year in college, which is when "being fat" started to become an issue for me. At first, it was the "freshman 15"; except mine was more like the "freshman 30". After college, and over the next decade or so, I slowly and surely gained somewhere around 100 pounds. Then lost 70. Then gained 30. Lost 25. Gained 10. It was like a really bad, neverending card-game. And now here we are, in 2011, approaching my 40th birthday in September. And the idea of celebrating 40 while looking like the white version of "Precious" (based on the novel PUSH by Sapphire) scares the living shit out of me, if I'm being completely honest. And really, why the hell write any of this down if it's not completely honest, right? Right. Yes, I'm talking to myself. Shut up.

So because of all of this, somewhere around the beginning of January, a lightbulb went off in my head. (Not literally. That would hurt and I would probably die if there was an actual lightbulb inside my head. Don't be an idiot.) Oprah would call it an "A-Ha! Moment." But hey - that's why she has her own network and I have a rented apartment in Jersey. But I digress. My "A-Ha! Moment" happened, ironically, while watching a music video by the 1980's band A-Ha! No, it didn't really. But can you imagine? I'm not sure what you'd call that. An "A-ha Squared?" Who fuckin cares.

What I began to realize and fully understand during this "A-ha" moment, is that I am FAT. Yes, of course I already knew I was fat. I have known for years. Decades even. But this was different. Now, in this moment, I could FEEL all the terrible ways that my bad health was affecting my life. I started to actually feel that I could be, in fact, shortening my own life by being so careless about my health. Perhaps the idea of approaching 40 is what made me think this way; or perhaps I just had enough of my own annoying self getting in my own way. Whatever the case, I truly realized that I have NO OTHER CHOICE but to make some serious changes starting right now.

I came up with a plan of action and decided to post about it on Facebook in order to give myself some accountability. Well Holy Shit! You would think that I was OPRAH herself for all the many replies I recieved on that post. If all these same people that responded to my fat status message would only watch all my comedy videos and come to my shows - Hell, I'd be famous by now. If a known alcoholic posted: "Hey guys, Im considering giving up drinking, what do you all think?" and then received 67 responses of encouragement, ideas, suggestions; your first thought about that person would be "Damn, that guy's an alcoholic!", right? So, my Facebook status update 100% backed up my A-Ha moment realization of: "Holy Crap! All these people are coming out of the woodwork and replying! I must be REALLY FAT!"

My plan of action went into effect immediately. Everyone keeps telling me to take it slowly; dont do too much at once. But I suddenly feel like it is a huge emergency to get this going right this instant. So, to put it in basic terms, this is what my intentions are, at least to start:

1. Cut out all soda (Im a Diet Coke addict) and most sugar for two weeks just to get it out of my system and help the cravings go away; then slowly allow myself a very limited amount of soda after that - like once a week.

2. Portion control. (this is a big issue because I definately eat too much right now)

3. Switch from white to brown (whole grain/wheat breads, brown rice, wheat pasta,etc)

4. Get off my ass and MOVE. To start, Im alternating between a pool/swim routine at the gym that involves water weights, jogging, walking, etc ... and 2-3 mile walks here in my neighborhood. Some days Ill do both, but the goal is to always do one of these things.

On Monday; Day One of this awful new "no Joy" lifestyle; my husband and I went out for dinner with a gift-card we had. For the first time in probably FOREVER, I did not order soda at a restaurant. I got water. And no appetizer. We both ordered off the "Under 500 calorie" Menu. Mine was grilled shrimp with brown rice, almonds, and "mixed veggies." We both got the mixed veggies, which was a giant wad of disgusting broccoli. The only person who loathes broccoli more than I do is my husband, who only ordered that meal to help support me in my new eating habits. Sweet, but it won't last. The look on his face when glaring down a plate of broccoli told me that. I did not get dessert. I stared at the dessert menu for a good 10 minutes at least - longing for a piece of warm chocolate-chip pie. It is now Friday, and I still want that pie. Monday I discovered that going out to eat is BORING AS HELL when you can't eat whatever you want. How and why do people take part in this activity if they are eating broccoli and salad with the dressing on the side? It just is not enjoyable. All of the joy was taken away from the dining experience. When I go out to eat, I like to ... you know ... EAT!!! I can stay home and drink water. I would literally rather stay home if I have to restrict myself that much. Screw that. In the future, I will go out to eat way less often, and enjoy myself when I do.

Preparing for my first ever "exercise walk" was another story altogether. Jesus Christ, you would think I was prepping for a walk on the moon with all of the planning this stupid walk entailed. It started on Tuesday, when I attempted to go out and purchase items that I needed for my walk. I needed to buy new headphones for the iPod that have a special attachment thingy for my ears, because every pair my husband has immediately falls OUT of my ears 2 seconds after being put in. Apparently the inside of my ears are the only petite part of my entire body. My ear insides are so small, that they do not fit most iPod headphones. They pop out. Over and over again. This is incredibly annoying because stores do not have dressing rooms where you can go in and "try on" pairs of earphones to make sure they fit your ears. So you just have to guess. I have taken back several pairs in the past, and my husband now thinks Im some small-eared freak.

I also needed to buy new walking sneakers, which I could not find. Well, I couldnt find any in my budget, which is pretty much ZERO dollars. All the sneakers I saw were way above zero dollars, so I said to myself "Ah, I'll just stick with the sneakers I have now." Riiiiiight.

I had to buy sweatpants, or gym pants, to go walking in. This was another nightmare. Now, one would think that you would be safe buying XL and XXL stretchy workout type pants without trying them on right? (no fitting rooms in sporting goods store.) WRONG. I bought two pairs. I get home and neither of them fit. Not only do they not fit, but they dont even go over my giant ass. That is when you REALLY start to get depressed. When the workout pants you buy in order to get in shape because you are so fat - don't FIT you - because you are so fat. If Alannis Morissette were here right now, she would point out the irony in a song.

Lastly, I bought a pedometer to start tracking my steps when I walk. Stupid Dr. Oz who is apparently the God of all things Health, says you should try to walk 10,000 steps per day. That seems like quite a jump from my usual 46 steps per day, but I'm game. Let's see if this asshat knows what he's talking about. So I find the pedometer that LOOKS the least complicated on the shelf. It's $30. I get it home and cannot figure the damn thing out. My husband tries to figure it out, and together, we are like two 90 yr. olds looking at a foreign object for the first time. It made absolutely no sense. Input this, subtract that. Divide by 7. Add 5. Give your weight, then take 12 steps and multiply by 4. Spin in a circle. Really? I just want you to COUNT MY GODDAMN STEPS!!! Why is this so hard? I just want to WALK. I am going for a WALK. Walking should never, ever be this complicated. It literally takes us over 90 minutes to finally figure out all the options on the pedometer, and how to activate it and get it to work. I'm freakin exhausted and I haven't left the apartment yet.

Next; I put on the pair of old stretchpants I have, which are that annoying material where if you move a centimeter, cat hair attaches itself to them. So I spent a half hour brushing off cathair with a lintbrush. Then I realized the stupid pants have no pockets. I have an iPod, my cellphone, keys to the apartment, and a water bottle to carry. Where the hell am I gonna put all this stuff? My husband finds a wrist thingy that attaches your iPod to your wrist, so I ended up putting my phone inside that as well and looking like a hospital patient with all these things coming out of my right arm. I held the water, and made my husband buzz me into the building, so no keys. I looked at my husband and asked, "Am I ACTUALLY ready? Am I really leaving now?" He said: "I'm over this whole exercising thing you're doing. It's too exhausting for me."

Off I went. The good news is that the backdrop on our NJ street which sits on the Hudson River, is the New York City skyline. It is gorgeous, and the perfect motivation while walking. The bad news is that someone must have played a cruel joke on my iPod, because there was all this terrible music on there that I would never in a million years listen to, never mind PAY FOR. Taylor Swift, Boys to Men, Rick Astley? Seriously??? This must be a joke. Someone hijacked my iPod and played a joke, right? I still dont know how those songs got there, but I changed the music and ended up walking just under 3 miles. (2.9) I was soooo tired when I got home, I collapsed onto the couch and couldn't move for half hour. When I finally took my sneakers off, I noticed the gigantic blister on my left pinky toe. I NEED NEW SNEAKERS!!! But that walk was the start of something good. It was the first time in awhile that I didnt let a TINY thing stop me from exercising. In the past, I would have said many times "this is too annoying, its too cold, my pants dont fit" and used any of those reasons to NOT go walking. This time, It feels like an emergency, so I NEED to get it done.

I do not have a certain number of pounds I want to lose in mind as my goal. I do not have a pants size in mind, although right now just getting out of the XL category sounds like a dream. My goal is to celebrate my 40th birthday, and be really genuinely HAPPY at where I am in my life. My goal is to stay alive.

BACHELORETTE REVIEW: "Frank's Choice" Episode

Okay, so technically, this review is about a week late. But honestly; does anyone really care at this point? I know I don't. And Im pretty sure you dont either. We all knew I'd get around to writing the review sooner or later, and since last night's "episode" was that stupid "The Men Tell All" crap where all the rejected guys come back and sit around whining like girls about why they didnt get picked; I still have plenty of time to write this up before the big finale on Monday.

So here's the rundown of what happened on last week's mess:

The show opened up with a montage of the three remaining men; Chris, Roberto, and Frank; all gazing out train windows or staring into the ocean as they each said the same exact thing with slightly different wording ... "I am falling for Ali. I am in love with Ali. I have to open up to Ali this week before its too late. I must tell her how I feel." Roberto expressed in his montage that hes "never felt this way so quickly before!" Well, no shit Sherlock! How many times have you been on a reality show where you are placed into overly-romantic situations and locations ALONE with a gorgeous woman over and over again? Of course youre going to fall for her FAST, you dipshit. Chris then says that he is "in love with Ali," and all I can think about is how badly his poor Cape Cod fragile heart is going to shatter into pieces like a shell on that beachhouse he lives in. And then, of course, there's Frank. Frank also says he is falling for Ali, then ends his evil montage with "but as I fall for Ali, Im also falling back in love with my ex-grlfriend, Nicole. I must go to Chicago and see Nicole to find out if my feelings are real."

Sigh. So let me get this straight. This asshat breaks up with his girlfriend Nicole, then proceeds to go on a REALITY SHOW to FIND A WIFE?!, right after breaking off a serious relationship, goes on the show, stays on the show until he is one of THREE men remaining, and THEN decides that, oh, by the way, Im kind of still in love with my EX? WHAAA????? And here I thought that him living with his mommy and daddy and having NO JOB was bad. This is a whole new level of ASS. Frank is now the King of Douchebaggery.

So now the Bachelorette suddently becomes "Frank's Choice" (kind of like "Sophie's Choice", but of course, waaay more dramatic and important) as we follow dumb, craphead Frank to Chicago to go talk to the love of his life Nicole. And wouldn't ya know it, when Frank comes a'knockin on Nicole's HOTEL ROOM door that "The Bachelorette" had her laid up in waitin for him, by miracle of all miracles... SHE IS HOME AND AVAILABLE TO CHAT!!! Imagine that. And while youre at it, also imagine that Nicole just happened to wear a BRIGHT YELLOW shirt while lying around in that hotel room. Ali's favorite color that she wears DAILY. Coincidence? Or "Bachelorette" producers prodding? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

Frank begins to explain to Nicole how he is feeling, and it makes absolutely zero sense. There are words coming out of his mouth, but it's as if they are all scrambled or he doesn't speak english properly. He says, "So um, I uh, um, I have spend the past long while on this journey ..." The past LONG WHILE? Try 6 weeks or whatever the hell it is. And I dont think the phrase "the past long while" even exists, idiot. Maybe get out of your moms house and go to college or something. Get an education.

So Frank continues to ramble on for what seems like an eternity about NOTHING; and Nicole listens. Apparently she is comprehending what this dolt is saying to her, but Im not. Seriously, could he take ANY LONGER to make his freakin point??? The audience watching this show doesnt know this chick Nicole, we are not invested in her NOR do we give a shit about your stupid past relationship. Is it really necessary to show us their entire conversation in this much boring detail? WHO CARES? The show must think we care,since this scene went on FOREVER. Finally ... FINALLY!!!! ... Nicole said to Frank "You need to come home to me" and my husband, who was sitting at the computer doing something, literally starting cracking up laughing and exclaimed, "What the hell is this shit?" Exactly.

Frank then tells Nicole that he needs to go back to Ali and tell her that he's leaving the show to come back to Nicole; who, of course, he BROKE UP WITH, before he even met Ali. So why the hell did they breakup in the first place? What the hell is wrong with this guy? Then... THEN!!!... he actually says to Nicole that going back to talk with Ali "is going to take a lot of courage and strength, so Im going to need to know that you are here supporting me." EEWWWW!!!! Are you for real, loser? Courage and strength to go dump a woman on national TV that is now in love with your dumb ass? COURAGE AND STRENGTH to be a completely spineless non-man of epic proportions? I think the only people who should be allowed to use the term courage and strength should be soldiers, firefighters, cops, life-saving doctors, paramedics, and survivors of true tragedies or hardships. NOT A GODDAMN SPINELESS WEASEL ON A FREAKIN REALITY SHOW!!!! Grrrr. Can you tell I officially HATE Frank now? He is maddening.

Fast-forward back to Ali, who is in TAHITI this week, and exclaims with happy music in the background that "Tahiti is the PERFECT place to fall in love!" And yes, she really said that. Again.

Ali spends time with the three remaining men on the island of TAHITI. Here is what happened during her one-on-one days with each:


ROBERTO AND ALI:

Ali giggled at the thought of how Roberto would look "so hot here in Tahiti." Gag once again.
Please just bone him already. Everyone knows you want to. I dont think you will marry him but would you please just sleep with him already so we can stop hearing about how hot you think he is? Roberto and Ali go on yet ANOTHER helicopter ride ... Yawn! ... to a heart-shaped island. Yes, I really did just say heart-shaped island, and yes, they really went there. They swam in the beautiful water, kissed a lot, giggled a lot, and then had the typical nighttime romantic outdoor dinner, complete with the "Chris Harrison PERMISSION TO F**K Room Key". What is the Permission to F**k Room Key, you ask? Well, "Bachelorette" virgins and newbies, each season, when the Bachelor/Bachelorette is down to just 3 men or women, the host of the show Chris Harrison writes up these cheesy cards and makes the dates read them aloud. They basically say something like "I hope you are enjoying your date in Tahiti. IF you should choose to forgo your seperate rooms for the night, take this Room Key and share the Suite together. Please use this time to f**k Ali's brains out. Toodles! - Chris Harrison." Then the couple decides if they would like to sleep seperately or together that night ...and they almost ALWAYS choose to stay together. Then the cameras take us into the shared Suite just to see how romantic it is ...rose pedals on the bed, hot tub, etc etc ...and thats it. Cameras leave and lights go out, and we are all assuming of course, that at the very least, there was some heavy fooling around happening. So basically; the Bachelorette has the opportunity to sleep with three men in 3 nights, and really whore it up! Good times. So Roberto and Ali of course go off to the Suite together ...and thats all we see.


CHRIS AND ALI:

Cape Cod Chris and Ali go off on a gorgeous boat ride together for their date, and they both use the word LIKE , like, every, like, five , like, seconds. Its pretty annoying. They also kiss a lot, laugh a lot, and seem to have a really nice connection. Which of course means she will tear his heart apart and he will end up commiting suicide. Chris and Ali then have their dinner ona private island, where he tells her he can see them together forever, and also tells her "I love you so much." The happier he got, the more my heart sank for him. I would bet thousands of dollars that she doesnt choose him. I know how this show works, and she wont choose him. Because that would make sense, and this show never makes sense.

THeir date also ended with Chris reading the "Chris Harrison Please F*k in the Fancy Suite" Room Key card; where he and Ali took off to and the cameras did not ....



FRANK AND ALI:

Frank first talks to Chris Harrison about his decision to leave the show and go back with Nicole. Harrison acts like a disappointed father talking to his loser son that he never loved. You can tell Harrison wants to throw this guy into the nearest body of water. Frank seems to be looking for Harrisons approval or something. And STILL, he is making no sense with his words. "I feel that Im in love with Nicole. I hope Im right." You FEEL youre in love with Nicole? Dont you KNOW? You HOPE youre right? Its not a freakin math test you moron ... its your feelings on who you want to BE with! WHAT. AN. IDIOT.

Ali runs to Frank and tells him how excited she is to go sailing with him. Frank tells HER that they need to talk, and he right away sits her down and lets her know whats going on with him. Sort of. In his retarded way. She asks him WHY didnt he say anything before now? He has no response. She is crying and very upset. ITs obvious she was in love with him more than the other two men. She just keeps crying. She tells him "I gave up EVERYTHING to be here!" and he says "I gave upeverything to be here too." At that point, I wanted to kill him myself. What an asshole thing to say to someone you are DUMPING. He is a tool. So, after a long discussion that once again made little sense, Frank left and Ali collapsed in the sand, crying. Daddy Harrison comes to comfort her, and the two share a passionate kiss and then go to the Chris Harrison F**k Suite to do it all night long.

Nah. Im kidding. But dont you wish that were true?

Thats it. Chris and Roberto remain. I heard a rumor that she chooses neither of them. I can believe that, with the way this show works. Whatever happens, I hope that stupid Nicole dumps stupid Frank and he ends up back in his mommys basement with no job, no girlfriend, and no life.

THE END

BACHELORETTE REVIEW: Abuser-Jake VS. White-Trash Vienna, and a Boring-Ass Episode

So, long time no type. Seems like two weeks since I last wrote up one of my mocking-toned Bachelorette reviews. Well, thats because it HAS been two weeks. I completely skipped last weeks episode and never wrote the review. Why? Because I was extremely busy all of last week gaining some very minor fame when Ashton Kutcher retweeted a video of mine and suddenly it had 14,000 views; then my parents were in town for a comedy show I did last Saturday. I didnt even get around to watching this boring show until a couple days ago. And then I had to watch THIS weeks on top of last weeks. So please - pity me. Feel bad for me. Thats a lot of Bachelorette watching. So, what Ive decided to do is combine last weeks episode with this weeks; along with the stupid Jake and Vienna "interview" they showed last week; and talk about all of it in one big ole clusterf**k review. It will be very messy ... just like Ali's hair.

So let us begin with last weeks episode, which I will try and cut a bit short in my level of detail. And might I say that the show itself cut everything short last week too, in order to get right to the Jake and Vienna stuff. It was like they were saying "Look, we know this Ali chick is boring and nothings happening right now, so lets just skip right on through all the bullshit and go right to the rose ceremony." There was no talking to Chris Harrison last week, no cocktail party, no nothin. There was, however, a LOT of people overusing the phrase "fairytale." Everything was a goddamn fairytale last week. This dinner is like a fairytale. This soup is like a fairytale. This dump Im taking is such a fairytale. This castle is a fairytale. Ali actually said "Im realizing that life is not a fairytale, but love is." YOU DOPE! THATS the message you are getting from being on this show? Wow, you are really in for a severe heartbreaking.

The fairytale took place in Portugal last week; where the men all stayed together in yet another giant suite that looked exactly the same as all the other giant suites in every single other country so far. Ali came out to greet the men; and in this particular episode, every outfit she wore was horrendous. Now Im no fashion queen, but cmon. This is the best you can do, with an entire staff of production crew to help you get dressed and choose outfits? She had this ridiculous green tank top on with bright red pants. Basically, she looked like a Christmas ornament. Very tacky.

There were about a gazillion dates on last weeks episode. Lets get through them as quickly as possible.

DATE ONE: Ty / Frank / Ali

The ole two on one awkward date that began with yet another helicopter ride.
Ali was acting strange the whole time, as she started to realize how REAL this all REALLY is. Sigh.
Frank tells Ali a huge secret. That he lives with his parents and has no job. She doesnt seem to mind. In fact, she has absolutely no reaction at all to this. So I guess she is totally fine with a directionless zero whos in his 30s and living with mommy and DOESNT WORK. Whatever. But then on the other end of the spectrum, youve got Ty, who likes his women barefoot and in the kitchen. He tries to backpeddle a bit by reassuring Ali that he would be "tickled pink" if she were to go out and work. I seriously almost gagged. So I guess its either A. support Frank while he sits home and finds himself or B. bake cookies while Ty goes out on the workfront in 1954. Great options. Since no roses were given out on the dates last week, both men got to stay and wait until the rose ceremony to see if they were REALLY staying.



DATE TWO: Kirk and Ali

Kurk and Ali went to a fairytale palace castle-like place, where she spent much of her time stressing and worrying about this entire process and bumming Kurk out. Kurk brought up his damn past with MOLD yet again and opened up about how he feels he is deserving of love, despite being attacked by mold. Then an old women sang to them in Portugese as they danced in the moonlight. Like a fairytale.


DATE THREE: Chris and Ali

Can I just say right now that despite the fact this show is completely ridiculous and I dont CARE who she ends up with because its all BS anyway and will result in a breakup a month later ... despite all of that; I really really like Chris. A lot. He seems incredibly normal, funny, and hes from my home state of Massachusetts and has that Mass sarcastic humor that I love. I just have no idea why someone that seemingly normal would go on a show like this to begin with, so he must have SOME issues, but he seems great and I would totally choose him right now and just end the show.

But since that wont happen, Chris and Ali rode mopeds and Ali took control of the bike and the relationship to move it forward. Chris gave Ali a special bracelet that his sisters also wear; something to do with his dead mom; I didnt really grasp what he was saying, but it was a nice gift.

And thats it folks. Rose Ceremony. Ali sent Ty home and he was really upset in the limo ride leaving. Apparently he thought Ali and him would be together forever. Nope. Guess not. Too bad for you.

If this review feels rushed, thats EXACTLY how the episode felt, because the last 40minutes or so were spent on the EXCLUSIVE interview with Jake and Vienna. So lets talk about that for a bit ....


JAKE VS. VIENNA INTERVIEW:

I would just like to say that if one more media show asks if we are on Team Jake or Team Vienna, I might throw my TV out my 3 story window. Im on Team Who Gives a Shit because they are both immature, whiney, annoying fame whores. Seriously. This was one of the most ridiculously CHILDISH conversations I have ever heard between two people on or off television. The fact that these two idiots are adults is somewhat astounding.

Chris Harrison began by saying how SORRY he was that "we are all meeting up like this. I wish it was under happier circumstances." NO YOU DONT you douchebag. This is EXACTLY what you and ABC wanted. This exclusive interview where Jake and Vienna can barely look at one another, and where they yell at each other on tv, and your ratings go through the roof. Stop being so phony.

So basically what we have here is a white trash drama queen from Tackyville Florida vs. a Domineering Condescending, phony smiled No Emotion Women Abuser Robot; disguised as the All American Boy. Jake is an ass. Pure and simple. The way he was talking to her, the tone he was using during this interview; it was like he was talking to a puppy or a small child. I actually felt badly for her for a few seconds. Until she started yapping. Vienna is unbelievably annoying. SHe is an emotional basketcase, and he has no emotion. He cuts her off, yells, loses his temper often, and on two different occcasions screamed at her STOP INTERUPTING ME and theone that really made me cringe; "Babe ... BE QUIET when I am talking." That statement just about made me throw up right there. What a douche. There was one point when they ACTUALLY were arguing and saying "you broke up with me " "no you broke up with me" etc. It was embarassing. The trainwreck of an interview ended when Jake blew up for the last time and Vienna broke down in overdramatic tears, weeping and "fleeing the interview." (Fargo)

Talk about 40 minutes of pointless television.



THIS WEEKS EPISODE:

This week, Ali went to each guys hometown to meet the families of the men who she is going to break up with or leave in the dust or not propose to or propose to and not mean it. So, here we go:

TAMPA FLORIDA: First up was Roberto's family in Tampa. Roberto put on his baseball uniform and he and Ali played baseball on the field he used to play on, then they went to meet his family. He has a strict Navy dad, a mom that looks way too young for his dad, and a lot of other very ethnic people in a house where Ali seemed incredibly misplaced and out of touch. They seemed to all get along okay, but it wasnt very natural.

CAPE COD MASS / CHRIS: I am biast. I love Cape Cod and I love Chris. Gorgeous place. Chris was waiting with his dog on some rocks by the beach for Ali, and they walked along the beach and hung out before going home to meet the family. The house was a shrine to Chris mom who died of cancer last year, and it seemed a bit sad but also filled with love and warmth. His father is probably oneof the nicest men alive it seems, and he almost got me teary eyed when he was talking about how he met his wife and recalling stories about her. Chris's family seemed very protective over him, but very very nice and welcoming. Ali seemed to fit in there very well. She is a moron if she doesnt choose him, but since this show is filled with nothing BUT morons, Im 100% sure she will not choose him.


CHICAGO ILLINOIS / FRANK: When Frank and Ali met up in the streets of Chicago, she literally ran into his arms and went YAYYY!!!! Like, she actually said "Yay!" like a little girl. Clearly, Frank is the one that Ali wants most, and the one that she is falling for. Her eyes light up and sparkle whenever she is with him, and she does more giggling with him than anyone else. So, of course, he will be the one to crush her heart next week when he tells her whatever hes going to tell her;whatever they have been building up to this whole season. There is a LOT of sobbing happening in next weeks preivews, so my guess is that Frank either has an A. girlfriend B. fiance or C. wife at home. Why the HELL he would wait til NOW to tell her this is beyond me, but I guess we will find out. Does anyone on this show NOT have a secret girlfriend???

Anyway, Frank starts acting all weirdlike and whiney and scared, and they both talk about how scared they are of each other and of being happy together, etc. She meets the family, and Franks mom is very sweet, very normal, nice. I seriously cannot remember the rest so it must have been incredibly boring. I believe that she got along VERY well with Franks family, and that she fit in nicely.


GREENBAY WISCONSIN / KURK: I cant recall what they did before meeting Kurks family, so lets just skip ahead to the family meetup. Kurks dad is a total nerd who collects animal heads in his basement. Creepster! He actually said to Ali "Wanna see my basement?" like a child molestor. Kurks stepmom had THE most annoying accent Ive ever heard in my entire life. Kurks parents are divorced, so Ali then had to go and meet Kurks real mom and grandmother. His mom was quite bizarre. Weird looking with braces and messed up hair. She told Ali the story of how Kurk was "when he was sick" (the godamn mold again) and how strong he was, etc. Ali and the mom shared a moment. Kurk tells his family he is falling for Ali, and then Ali sends him packing at the rose ceremony.

So we now have Frank, Chris, Roberto. And next week ... Frank screws everything up.

THE END.

BACHELORETTE REVIEW: "Someone Isnt Here for the Right Reasons" Episode

If you haven't been keeping up with this riveting series or my reviews of it, then you might wonder what the definition of the term "non-drama drama" is. Well, Id be happy to share. Its a term I made up for something that is supposed to be dramatic, but isnt dramatic at all; OR; something that really could be dramatic, but that is made into a much bigger deal than it needs to be on this show. This particular Ali season has been FILLED with non-dramatic dramatic moments; which often results in a big ole giant snoozefest. When producers try to create drama where there is none, or a semi-dramatic storyline develops but involves an EXTREMELY boring person; then you get a lot of zzzzzzzzzz ... oh, Im sorry. Did I fall asleep just now? I didnt mean to. This weeks episode was SO FREAKIN BORING that I think I developed narcolepcy while watching it.

We, the viewers, have already been treated to lots of non-dramatic drama in the Ali season. Here are some examples:

1. The huuuuge deal the producers made about Kasey being "creepy." Playing weird horror music everytime he was onscreen, making the tattoo thing a MUCH bigger deal than it really was, etc. In the end, he was just a very weird dude with a voice like a frog. Dork? Yes. A bit strange? Absolutely! But creepy? I dont think so.

2. Kurt's retarded MOLD story. This was perhaps THE most boring, pointless, doesnt matter story ever. And they built it up like it was this huge secret that would change their relationship forever; made it sound like he was "hiding something" from Ali. No. The dude got some mold poisoning awhile back and got very ill from it. Thats it. Who the hell cares?

3. The Weatherman and all of his weirdness and emotional baggage. They made it seem as if he was very unstable and clingy with Ali. Yes, the guy was extremely odd. And yes, he made weather references all the damn time and I wanted to kill him for that. But they spent way too much time focusing on this loser for no real reason.

And this week; the non-drama drama starts up pretty much right away after the wacky guys and gal land in Istanbul, Turkey. Ali exclaims: "I didnt realize that 13 million people lived here!" No, of course you didnt. Until the producers handed you that card which told you that 13 million people live there. Ali then went on and on about how happy she is right now, and how NOTHING could possibly go wrong at this point! And then .... you guessed it ... it goes wrong. Cue dramatic music.

Douchebag Harrison shows up at Ali's Suite with some bad news. Because thats Harrison's job; besides saying: "Ali, you have one rose left .... take a minute ....when youre ready...." Thats his FAVORITE job that gives him a reason to wake up in the morning; but he REALLY gets off when there is some huge drama going on that he gets to report to the Bachelorette. Cuz then he gets some true screen time. When the producers told him that Justin had a girlfriend and that he gets to break the news to Ali, he probably went off to his Bachelorette room and jerked off because he was so excited by this. So anyway, Harrison knocks on Ali's door and tells her the bad news that someone "isnt here for the right reasons." Then, just to drag this out as much as possible, he tells Ali that he is going to call Jesse, who was on last seasons Bachelor with Jake, and let Ali talk to Jesse on the phone. (What the hell Jesse has to do with ANYTHING is beyond me) So he calls Jesse: and Im not kidding; her phone must have rang 11 times before she finally picked it up. CMON! Like she wasnt sitting right there waiting for this call that she KNEW was coming? Such bullshit.

Ali and Jesse get on the phone, and Jesse tells Ali that "someone is not there for the right reasons, and that someone is Justin. He has a girlfriend." Ali asks Jesse how she knows this, and Jesse says "because Im sitting right here with her!" (more dramatic music) Ladies and gentlemen ... nondrama drama. So the stupid girlfriend now gets on the phone and immediately starts crying her head off. Her and Ali have a really boring conversation about how Justin planned on using the show to promote his wrestling career, and making it to the "top 3". Gee, where have we heard this before? Ummm, can you say WES? That was LAST seasons guy who "wasnt there for the right reasons", and was there to promote his shitty music career. At least HE had a hilariously horrific cheesy personality that was fun to mock. Justin is about as exciting as that Mold that almost murdered Kurk. But we will get to that soon. Back to the boring phonecall. Dumb girlfriend sobs some more and tells Ali that her and Justin have been together for over 2 years; and that one day, out of the blue, he says he is going to go on The Bachelorette to promote his career, but that he loves HER and not to worry, etc. She says she went along with it because she loved him. Im sorry, but thats where you lose me. You WENT ALONG WITH IT? Really? Well lady, you are officially an idiot. Ali gets off the phone with the boring girlfriend, and Chris Harrison acts all "father-figure, I care about you as a person" with Ali; telling her how very sorry he is and asking what she wants to do. Ali decides to go downstairs right now and confront Justin.

What followed was the most boring confrontation EVER on network television. I couldnt believe my eyes and ears while watching this stupid, infantile, lameass, no purpose, go nowhere scene between Ali and Justin. TERRIBLE! It was very difficult to stay awake, to be honest with you. Because not only was it boring, but it went on and on and on and on.... If any of you saw it, you surely know what Im talking about.

First of all, for the total douchebag that Justin is, Ali didnt really seem to care all that much one way or the other about him. When she was told about Justins intentions by Chris, she kind of just sat there going "mmhmm" over and over. There were no tears, no sadness, not much anger or emotion at all. She just said she wanted him gone. Understandable. But Its hard to believe that she had developed ANY sort of feelings for this guy at all. If she did, it did not show one bit.

Ali goes down to the room where all the men are; and Harrison follows her like a wounded puppy. He tells the men "Men - Ali has something to say." Wow thanks! Its a good thing you told them that, because otherwise noone would have figured that out when she started moving her lips to talk. What would we do without you Harrison? Ali asks the men if this has been hard on them, then she says "Well Justin it must be especially hard on YOU since your girlfriend is at home waiting for you!" (this moment was supposed to be dramatic but it wasnt.) Justin says nothing. Ali continues to probe and say the word girlfriend about 4 more times. Justin hops off on his crutches (which he got rid of last week so why are they back on again?) and again says nothing. Ali tells him to stay and talk like a MAN!!! He hops away. Ali says that she is "pissed." She tells us this four times. Into the camera. To Chris Harrison. To Justin. To the men. I guess she is pissed. Or she wants us to think she is pissed. Either way - more nondrama-drama.

Ali goes after Justin after he exits whatever building they are all in. All the girly-gossipy-men watch through the window as the drama unfolds. They say shocking things about Justin like:

"Hes nothing but a JERK!" (ooooohhh! Watch your language there buddy! This is a family show!)

"I hope he has to swim in those crutches!" (Ummm, okay. Good one!)

"We are in Turkey, and He is a Turkey!" (this isnt the exact quote, but I swear someone actually said that. Im not making it up.)

So Hopalong Justin hops over fences, through bushes, over endless fields of grass ... there seems to be an obstacle course outside wherever he goes, and Ali is following him half-yelling things like: "Cmon Justin! Is this how you want to be perceived? Talk to me like a man Justin! Are you really just going to walk away?" He keeps walking away. Finally, after what seems like hours of watching him limp and hop along and getting nowhere, Justin comes back and sits on a random bench with Ali. This was pretty much their dialogue:

Justin: So, Im sure you like, wanna chop off my head right now and everything ....
Ali: your girlfriend ....
Justin: Well....she like.....like my best friend and ummm....going into this and ....wth 100% of my heart and I did that but then I .... well this is the thing ... like...like about what? I dont...ummm...I didnt...no no...Im not sure."
Ali: She was sobbing on the phone! Are you saying she lied to me? That your girlfriend is a liar?
Justin" Ummm no no ...Im not... the thing is ... I dont.... we are best friends...and ....
Ali: she said that you two have been planning this from the beginning, and that it was to get famous only, and that the whole time you have been calilng her and leaving messages etc.
Justin: No no I didnt, well... I mean... no , It wasnt to get famous and no messages, I ....Im sorry....

He literally MADE NO SENSE. It was like she was talking to someone from another country who doesnt speak english, except that conversation would have made more sense than this one. And as Justin hopped away for the final time, all the many phone messages he left for his girlfriend played out for the TV audience to hear. That was pretty funny.

So we move on from stupid Justin. After all, we do have DATES to go on this week with Ali.
Ty gets the one on one date, and all the other men bitch and moan about it like women.



TY AND ALI's DATE:

The date basically included a lot of giggling, relaxing, saying the word AWESOME every two seconds, massaging one another, kissing while sitting in a turkish bath together, and more porn-like massage. Later on; the two lovebirds have a romantic dinner by the water; where Ali interrogates Ty about his first marriage and finds out that hes a true country boy at heart. Not always a good thing. Sure, he opens doors for you and is a gentleman; BUT; he also told her that a huge reason his first marriage ended was because he couldnt deal with his wife being in the work force. Then he actually said "Im startin to realize now that women can work! they are CEOs and Presidents of companies!" Ummm, YEAH JACKASS! Who are you, Ralph Kramden? Is this 1947? You REALLY didnt know that women WORK? Way to stay relevant in society dude. But hey, he kisses great, so stupid Ali gave him the rose and he stays.



GROUP DATE:

The group date was Kurk, Roberto, Craig, and Chris. Ali tells them that they are going to be embracing Turkish tradition and fighting for one-on-one time with her. Guess how? No, really. Just guess. TURKISH OLIVE OIL WRESTLING. This involves Ali smothering the shirtless men in olive oil, and then pairing them up with professional olive oil wrestlers; because apparently this is a big deal sport in Turkey; and making them roll around covered in olive oil half nude with other giant, half nude dudes who look like they are wearing Depends. The winner gets a date that night with Ali. Yeah. So: THIS IS THE GAYEST THING EVER ON THIS SHOW!!! And thats saying a lot, since every week they make these men do something incredibly GAY to "prove their love and devotion" to Ali. Nothin really shows your love for a woman like rolling around naked covered in olive oil with another ...... man. Most ridiculous thing ever. So they pair up and do the gay porn ... I mean ... wrestling thing .... and everyone pretty much lost against their PRO better half. Except Craig, who has had NO one on one dates with Ali and was determined to wrestle his little gay ass off to get one. So he is declared the winner. But then ... THEN ... they make the men go up against each OTHER in yet another round of gayness. So what the hell was the purpose of the pro-wrestlers then? MAKES NO SENSE. So Roberto and Craig pair up, and Craig fights hard and somehow wins. And that, my friends, is the entire group date. Can you imagine if you are one of these four men and THATS your group date with Ali? Having her watch as you bump uglies with some half naked dude, and then you go home? I would be PISSED. Much like Ali was when she found out Justin has a girlfriend. Uh huh.



CRAIG AND ALIS DATE:

They go on a boatride, then watch fireworks while eating desserts and champagne.
They hug awkwardly and have ZERO chemistry. He is under the impression that he is interesting and that he will keep seeing Ali. I think I fell asleep after that, and so did Ali.



FRANK AND ALIS DATE:

Frank gets the official second one on one date with Ali. All the guys are mad as hell and not gonna take it, because Frank already HAD a one on one date way back in the beginning. Well WAAAHHHH!! Get the hell over it you big babies. She likes him, so hes getting another one. Sit home and knit some sweaters and watch The Gilmore Girls in your Turkish Suite; or whatever the hell you gayboys do together while not out with Ali.

Frank and Ali meet up and have great chemistry right from the first second. Its clear that she likes him a lot. Which of course means that their relationship will end in heartache. But for now, they walk around the streets of Turkey; haggling for items in the market, trying on ridiculous outfits and buying a carpet after being forced by a pushy salesdude. Then Ali takes Frank to dinner in a "magical" place. He pours his heart out to her, and she stares at him in silence before saying that her feelings for him "scare her." She is afraid of having them not returned, and afraid to fall for him. They kiss and kiss and she says he has the potential to break her heart. Its almost as if she KNOWS that something terribly awful will happen next week between her and Frank, according to the preview scenes. He tells her something that changes everything, and there is LOTS of crying and tears from both of them. Gee. I wonder if he was also attacked by MOLD. Or maybe he had a headcold once. Or the flu. That would be devestating.



Holy Christ are we done here yet? I TOLD you this episode was boring. Ali sits down with Chris Douchebag Harrison and tells him that she doesnt need to have a Cocktail Party tonight because she already knows who she wants to send home, and she doesnt feel its fair to that person to put them through a party where they might think they are staying. Well thank GOD for small miracles, at least THIS part of the show wasnt dragged out. After she tells Harrison the news, she looks out the window longingly.

ROSE CEREMONY:

Yawn. Ali gave roses to everyone, until the two left standing were Kurk and Craig. Harrison said his line: "Ali, this is the final rose ... whenever youre ready .... " Then Ali stood with the rose in her hand for about 4.6 hours looking dramatically and then ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh Im sorry, did I fall asleep AGAIN? Wow. I apoligize. She sent Craig home. Huge surprise. Not.

Craig looked like death warmed over as he left Turkey confused and forlorn. I always love the moment when whoever is being sent home finds out; and then Douchebag Harrison says "Im sorry Craig ... take a moment... say your goodbyes." Its SO PHONY. As if Harrison gives a crap about these men and who goes home or not. Anyway, Craig seemed brokenhearted and shocked that he was going home; and I needed to be revived after falling asleep yet again. Next weeks episode, in two days, is in Portugal. PLEASE let there be some ACTUAL drama and let it be more exciting than this borefest was.

Seacrest Out! Oh sorry. Wrong show.