So, long time no type. Seems like two weeks since I last wrote up one of my mocking-toned Bachelorette reviews. Well, thats because it HAS been two weeks. I completely skipped last weeks episode and never wrote the review. Why? Because I was extremely busy all of last week gaining some very minor fame when Ashton Kutcher retweeted a video of mine and suddenly it had 14,000 views; then my parents were in town for a comedy show I did last Saturday. I didnt even get around to watching this boring show until a couple days ago. And then I had to watch THIS weeks on top of last weeks. So please - pity me. Feel bad for me. Thats a lot of Bachelorette watching. So, what Ive decided to do is combine last weeks episode with this weeks; along with the stupid Jake and Vienna "interview" they showed last week; and talk about all of it in one big ole clusterf**k review. It will be very messy ... just like Ali's hair.
So let us begin with last weeks episode, which I will try and cut a bit short in my level of detail. And might I say that the show itself cut everything short last week too, in order to get right to the Jake and Vienna stuff. It was like they were saying "Look, we know this Ali chick is boring and nothings happening right now, so lets just skip right on through all the bullshit and go right to the rose ceremony." There was no talking to Chris Harrison last week, no cocktail party, no nothin. There was, however, a LOT of people overusing the phrase "fairytale." Everything was a goddamn fairytale last week. This dinner is like a fairytale. This soup is like a fairytale. This dump Im taking is such a fairytale. This castle is a fairytale. Ali actually said "Im realizing that life is not a fairytale, but love is." YOU DOPE! THATS the message you are getting from being on this show? Wow, you are really in for a severe heartbreaking.
The fairytale took place in Portugal last week; where the men all stayed together in yet another giant suite that looked exactly the same as all the other giant suites in every single other country so far. Ali came out to greet the men; and in this particular episode, every outfit she wore was horrendous. Now Im no fashion queen, but cmon. This is the best you can do, with an entire staff of production crew to help you get dressed and choose outfits? She had this ridiculous green tank top on with bright red pants. Basically, she looked like a Christmas ornament. Very tacky.
There were about a gazillion dates on last weeks episode. Lets get through them as quickly as possible.
DATE ONE: Ty / Frank / Ali
The ole two on one awkward date that began with yet another helicopter ride.
Ali was acting strange the whole time, as she started to realize how REAL this all REALLY is. Sigh.
Frank tells Ali a huge secret. That he lives with his parents and has no job. She doesnt seem to mind. In fact, she has absolutely no reaction at all to this. So I guess she is totally fine with a directionless zero whos in his 30s and living with mommy and DOESNT WORK. Whatever. But then on the other end of the spectrum, youve got Ty, who likes his women barefoot and in the kitchen. He tries to backpeddle a bit by reassuring Ali that he would be "tickled pink" if she were to go out and work. I seriously almost gagged. So I guess its either A. support Frank while he sits home and finds himself or B. bake cookies while Ty goes out on the workfront in 1954. Great options. Since no roses were given out on the dates last week, both men got to stay and wait until the rose ceremony to see if they were REALLY staying.
DATE TWO: Kirk and Ali
Kurk and Ali went to a fairytale palace castle-like place, where she spent much of her time stressing and worrying about this entire process and bumming Kurk out. Kurk brought up his damn past with MOLD yet again and opened up about how he feels he is deserving of love, despite being attacked by mold. Then an old women sang to them in Portugese as they danced in the moonlight. Like a fairytale.
DATE THREE: Chris and Ali
Can I just say right now that despite the fact this show is completely ridiculous and I dont CARE who she ends up with because its all BS anyway and will result in a breakup a month later ... despite all of that; I really really like Chris. A lot. He seems incredibly normal, funny, and hes from my home state of Massachusetts and has that Mass sarcastic humor that I love. I just have no idea why someone that seemingly normal would go on a show like this to begin with, so he must have SOME issues, but he seems great and I would totally choose him right now and just end the show.
But since that wont happen, Chris and Ali rode mopeds and Ali took control of the bike and the relationship to move it forward. Chris gave Ali a special bracelet that his sisters also wear; something to do with his dead mom; I didnt really grasp what he was saying, but it was a nice gift.
And thats it folks. Rose Ceremony. Ali sent Ty home and he was really upset in the limo ride leaving. Apparently he thought Ali and him would be together forever. Nope. Guess not. Too bad for you.
If this review feels rushed, thats EXACTLY how the episode felt, because the last 40minutes or so were spent on the EXCLUSIVE interview with Jake and Vienna. So lets talk about that for a bit ....
JAKE VS. VIENNA INTERVIEW:
I would just like to say that if one more media show asks if we are on Team Jake or Team Vienna, I might throw my TV out my 3 story window. Im on Team Who Gives a Shit because they are both immature, whiney, annoying fame whores. Seriously. This was one of the most ridiculously CHILDISH conversations I have ever heard between two people on or off television. The fact that these two idiots are adults is somewhat astounding.
Chris Harrison began by saying how SORRY he was that "we are all meeting up like this. I wish it was under happier circumstances." NO YOU DONT you douchebag. This is EXACTLY what you and ABC wanted. This exclusive interview where Jake and Vienna can barely look at one another, and where they yell at each other on tv, and your ratings go through the roof. Stop being so phony.
So basically what we have here is a white trash drama queen from Tackyville Florida vs. a Domineering Condescending, phony smiled No Emotion Women Abuser Robot; disguised as the All American Boy. Jake is an ass. Pure and simple. The way he was talking to her, the tone he was using during this interview; it was like he was talking to a puppy or a small child. I actually felt badly for her for a few seconds. Until she started yapping. Vienna is unbelievably annoying. SHe is an emotional basketcase, and he has no emotion. He cuts her off, yells, loses his temper often, and on two different occcasions screamed at her STOP INTERUPTING ME and theone that really made me cringe; "Babe ... BE QUIET when I am talking." That statement just about made me throw up right there. What a douche. There was one point when they ACTUALLY were arguing and saying "you broke up with me " "no you broke up with me" etc. It was embarassing. The trainwreck of an interview ended when Jake blew up for the last time and Vienna broke down in overdramatic tears, weeping and "fleeing the interview." (Fargo)
Talk about 40 minutes of pointless television.
THIS WEEKS EPISODE:
This week, Ali went to each guys hometown to meet the families of the men who she is going to break up with or leave in the dust or not propose to or propose to and not mean it. So, here we go:
TAMPA FLORIDA: First up was Roberto's family in Tampa. Roberto put on his baseball uniform and he and Ali played baseball on the field he used to play on, then they went to meet his family. He has a strict Navy dad, a mom that looks way too young for his dad, and a lot of other very ethnic people in a house where Ali seemed incredibly misplaced and out of touch. They seemed to all get along okay, but it wasnt very natural.
CAPE COD MASS / CHRIS: I am biast. I love Cape Cod and I love Chris. Gorgeous place. Chris was waiting with his dog on some rocks by the beach for Ali, and they walked along the beach and hung out before going home to meet the family. The house was a shrine to Chris mom who died of cancer last year, and it seemed a bit sad but also filled with love and warmth. His father is probably oneof the nicest men alive it seems, and he almost got me teary eyed when he was talking about how he met his wife and recalling stories about her. Chris's family seemed very protective over him, but very very nice and welcoming. Ali seemed to fit in there very well. She is a moron if she doesnt choose him, but since this show is filled with nothing BUT morons, Im 100% sure she will not choose him.
CHICAGO ILLINOIS / FRANK: When Frank and Ali met up in the streets of Chicago, she literally ran into his arms and went YAYYY!!!! Like, she actually said "Yay!" like a little girl. Clearly, Frank is the one that Ali wants most, and the one that she is falling for. Her eyes light up and sparkle whenever she is with him, and she does more giggling with him than anyone else. So, of course, he will be the one to crush her heart next week when he tells her whatever hes going to tell her;whatever they have been building up to this whole season. There is a LOT of sobbing happening in next weeks preivews, so my guess is that Frank either has an A. girlfriend B. fiance or C. wife at home. Why the HELL he would wait til NOW to tell her this is beyond me, but I guess we will find out. Does anyone on this show NOT have a secret girlfriend???
Anyway, Frank starts acting all weirdlike and whiney and scared, and they both talk about how scared they are of each other and of being happy together, etc. She meets the family, and Franks mom is very sweet, very normal, nice. I seriously cannot remember the rest so it must have been incredibly boring. I believe that she got along VERY well with Franks family, and that she fit in nicely.
GREENBAY WISCONSIN / KURK: I cant recall what they did before meeting Kurks family, so lets just skip ahead to the family meetup. Kurks dad is a total nerd who collects animal heads in his basement. Creepster! He actually said to Ali "Wanna see my basement?" like a child molestor. Kurks stepmom had THE most annoying accent Ive ever heard in my entire life. Kurks parents are divorced, so Ali then had to go and meet Kurks real mom and grandmother. His mom was quite bizarre. Weird looking with braces and messed up hair. She told Ali the story of how Kurk was "when he was sick" (the godamn mold again) and how strong he was, etc. Ali and the mom shared a moment. Kurk tells his family he is falling for Ali, and then Ali sends him packing at the rose ceremony.
So we now have Frank, Chris, Roberto. And next week ... Frank screws everything up.
THE END.
Showing posts with label Bachelorette reviews. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bachelorette reviews. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
BACHELORETTE REVIEW: "Someone Isnt Here for the Right Reasons" Episode
If you haven't been keeping up with this riveting series or my reviews of it, then you might wonder what the definition of the term "non-drama drama" is. Well, Id be happy to share. Its a term I made up for something that is supposed to be dramatic, but isnt dramatic at all; OR; something that really could be dramatic, but that is made into a much bigger deal than it needs to be on this show. This particular Ali season has been FILLED with non-dramatic dramatic moments; which often results in a big ole giant snoozefest. When producers try to create drama where there is none, or a semi-dramatic storyline develops but involves an EXTREMELY boring person; then you get a lot of zzzzzzzzzz ... oh, Im sorry. Did I fall asleep just now? I didnt mean to. This weeks episode was SO FREAKIN BORING that I think I developed narcolepcy while watching it.
We, the viewers, have already been treated to lots of non-dramatic drama in the Ali season. Here are some examples:
1. The huuuuge deal the producers made about Kasey being "creepy." Playing weird horror music everytime he was onscreen, making the tattoo thing a MUCH bigger deal than it really was, etc. In the end, he was just a very weird dude with a voice like a frog. Dork? Yes. A bit strange? Absolutely! But creepy? I dont think so.
2. Kurt's retarded MOLD story. This was perhaps THE most boring, pointless, doesnt matter story ever. And they built it up like it was this huge secret that would change their relationship forever; made it sound like he was "hiding something" from Ali. No. The dude got some mold poisoning awhile back and got very ill from it. Thats it. Who the hell cares?
3. The Weatherman and all of his weirdness and emotional baggage. They made it seem as if he was very unstable and clingy with Ali. Yes, the guy was extremely odd. And yes, he made weather references all the damn time and I wanted to kill him for that. But they spent way too much time focusing on this loser for no real reason.
And this week; the non-drama drama starts up pretty much right away after the wacky guys and gal land in Istanbul, Turkey. Ali exclaims: "I didnt realize that 13 million people lived here!" No, of course you didnt. Until the producers handed you that card which told you that 13 million people live there. Ali then went on and on about how happy she is right now, and how NOTHING could possibly go wrong at this point! And then .... you guessed it ... it goes wrong. Cue dramatic music.
Douchebag Harrison shows up at Ali's Suite with some bad news. Because thats Harrison's job; besides saying: "Ali, you have one rose left .... take a minute ....when youre ready...." Thats his FAVORITE job that gives him a reason to wake up in the morning; but he REALLY gets off when there is some huge drama going on that he gets to report to the Bachelorette. Cuz then he gets some true screen time. When the producers told him that Justin had a girlfriend and that he gets to break the news to Ali, he probably went off to his Bachelorette room and jerked off because he was so excited by this. So anyway, Harrison knocks on Ali's door and tells her the bad news that someone "isnt here for the right reasons." Then, just to drag this out as much as possible, he tells Ali that he is going to call Jesse, who was on last seasons Bachelor with Jake, and let Ali talk to Jesse on the phone. (What the hell Jesse has to do with ANYTHING is beyond me) So he calls Jesse: and Im not kidding; her phone must have rang 11 times before she finally picked it up. CMON! Like she wasnt sitting right there waiting for this call that she KNEW was coming? Such bullshit.
Ali and Jesse get on the phone, and Jesse tells Ali that "someone is not there for the right reasons, and that someone is Justin. He has a girlfriend." Ali asks Jesse how she knows this, and Jesse says "because Im sitting right here with her!" (more dramatic music) Ladies and gentlemen ... nondrama drama. So the stupid girlfriend now gets on the phone and immediately starts crying her head off. Her and Ali have a really boring conversation about how Justin planned on using the show to promote his wrestling career, and making it to the "top 3". Gee, where have we heard this before? Ummm, can you say WES? That was LAST seasons guy who "wasnt there for the right reasons", and was there to promote his shitty music career. At least HE had a hilariously horrific cheesy personality that was fun to mock. Justin is about as exciting as that Mold that almost murdered Kurk. But we will get to that soon. Back to the boring phonecall. Dumb girlfriend sobs some more and tells Ali that her and Justin have been together for over 2 years; and that one day, out of the blue, he says he is going to go on The Bachelorette to promote his career, but that he loves HER and not to worry, etc. She says she went along with it because she loved him. Im sorry, but thats where you lose me. You WENT ALONG WITH IT? Really? Well lady, you are officially an idiot. Ali gets off the phone with the boring girlfriend, and Chris Harrison acts all "father-figure, I care about you as a person" with Ali; telling her how very sorry he is and asking what she wants to do. Ali decides to go downstairs right now and confront Justin.
What followed was the most boring confrontation EVER on network television. I couldnt believe my eyes and ears while watching this stupid, infantile, lameass, no purpose, go nowhere scene between Ali and Justin. TERRIBLE! It was very difficult to stay awake, to be honest with you. Because not only was it boring, but it went on and on and on and on.... If any of you saw it, you surely know what Im talking about.
First of all, for the total douchebag that Justin is, Ali didnt really seem to care all that much one way or the other about him. When she was told about Justins intentions by Chris, she kind of just sat there going "mmhmm" over and over. There were no tears, no sadness, not much anger or emotion at all. She just said she wanted him gone. Understandable. But Its hard to believe that she had developed ANY sort of feelings for this guy at all. If she did, it did not show one bit.
Ali goes down to the room where all the men are; and Harrison follows her like a wounded puppy. He tells the men "Men - Ali has something to say." Wow thanks! Its a good thing you told them that, because otherwise noone would have figured that out when she started moving her lips to talk. What would we do without you Harrison? Ali asks the men if this has been hard on them, then she says "Well Justin it must be especially hard on YOU since your girlfriend is at home waiting for you!" (this moment was supposed to be dramatic but it wasnt.) Justin says nothing. Ali continues to probe and say the word girlfriend about 4 more times. Justin hops off on his crutches (which he got rid of last week so why are they back on again?) and again says nothing. Ali tells him to stay and talk like a MAN!!! He hops away. Ali says that she is "pissed." She tells us this four times. Into the camera. To Chris Harrison. To Justin. To the men. I guess she is pissed. Or she wants us to think she is pissed. Either way - more nondrama-drama.
Ali goes after Justin after he exits whatever building they are all in. All the girly-gossipy-men watch through the window as the drama unfolds. They say shocking things about Justin like:
"Hes nothing but a JERK!" (ooooohhh! Watch your language there buddy! This is a family show!)
"I hope he has to swim in those crutches!" (Ummm, okay. Good one!)
"We are in Turkey, and He is a Turkey!" (this isnt the exact quote, but I swear someone actually said that. Im not making it up.)
So Hopalong Justin hops over fences, through bushes, over endless fields of grass ... there seems to be an obstacle course outside wherever he goes, and Ali is following him half-yelling things like: "Cmon Justin! Is this how you want to be perceived? Talk to me like a man Justin! Are you really just going to walk away?" He keeps walking away. Finally, after what seems like hours of watching him limp and hop along and getting nowhere, Justin comes back and sits on a random bench with Ali. This was pretty much their dialogue:
Justin: So, Im sure you like, wanna chop off my head right now and everything ....
Ali: your girlfriend ....
Justin: Well....she like.....like my best friend and ummm....going into this and ....wth 100% of my heart and I did that but then I .... well this is the thing ... like...like about what? I dont...ummm...I didnt...no no...Im not sure."
Ali: She was sobbing on the phone! Are you saying she lied to me? That your girlfriend is a liar?
Justin" Ummm no no ...Im not... the thing is ... I dont.... we are best friends...and ....
Ali: she said that you two have been planning this from the beginning, and that it was to get famous only, and that the whole time you have been calilng her and leaving messages etc.
Justin: No no I didnt, well... I mean... no , It wasnt to get famous and no messages, I ....Im sorry....
He literally MADE NO SENSE. It was like she was talking to someone from another country who doesnt speak english, except that conversation would have made more sense than this one. And as Justin hopped away for the final time, all the many phone messages he left for his girlfriend played out for the TV audience to hear. That was pretty funny.
So we move on from stupid Justin. After all, we do have DATES to go on this week with Ali.
Ty gets the one on one date, and all the other men bitch and moan about it like women.
TY AND ALI's DATE:
The date basically included a lot of giggling, relaxing, saying the word AWESOME every two seconds, massaging one another, kissing while sitting in a turkish bath together, and more porn-like massage. Later on; the two lovebirds have a romantic dinner by the water; where Ali interrogates Ty about his first marriage and finds out that hes a true country boy at heart. Not always a good thing. Sure, he opens doors for you and is a gentleman; BUT; he also told her that a huge reason his first marriage ended was because he couldnt deal with his wife being in the work force. Then he actually said "Im startin to realize now that women can work! they are CEOs and Presidents of companies!" Ummm, YEAH JACKASS! Who are you, Ralph Kramden? Is this 1947? You REALLY didnt know that women WORK? Way to stay relevant in society dude. But hey, he kisses great, so stupid Ali gave him the rose and he stays.
GROUP DATE:
The group date was Kurk, Roberto, Craig, and Chris. Ali tells them that they are going to be embracing Turkish tradition and fighting for one-on-one time with her. Guess how? No, really. Just guess. TURKISH OLIVE OIL WRESTLING. This involves Ali smothering the shirtless men in olive oil, and then pairing them up with professional olive oil wrestlers; because apparently this is a big deal sport in Turkey; and making them roll around covered in olive oil half nude with other giant, half nude dudes who look like they are wearing Depends. The winner gets a date that night with Ali. Yeah. So: THIS IS THE GAYEST THING EVER ON THIS SHOW!!! And thats saying a lot, since every week they make these men do something incredibly GAY to "prove their love and devotion" to Ali. Nothin really shows your love for a woman like rolling around naked covered in olive oil with another ...... man. Most ridiculous thing ever. So they pair up and do the gay porn ... I mean ... wrestling thing .... and everyone pretty much lost against their PRO better half. Except Craig, who has had NO one on one dates with Ali and was determined to wrestle his little gay ass off to get one. So he is declared the winner. But then ... THEN ... they make the men go up against each OTHER in yet another round of gayness. So what the hell was the purpose of the pro-wrestlers then? MAKES NO SENSE. So Roberto and Craig pair up, and Craig fights hard and somehow wins. And that, my friends, is the entire group date. Can you imagine if you are one of these four men and THATS your group date with Ali? Having her watch as you bump uglies with some half naked dude, and then you go home? I would be PISSED. Much like Ali was when she found out Justin has a girlfriend. Uh huh.
CRAIG AND ALIS DATE:
They go on a boatride, then watch fireworks while eating desserts and champagne.
They hug awkwardly and have ZERO chemistry. He is under the impression that he is interesting and that he will keep seeing Ali. I think I fell asleep after that, and so did Ali.
FRANK AND ALIS DATE:
Frank gets the official second one on one date with Ali. All the guys are mad as hell and not gonna take it, because Frank already HAD a one on one date way back in the beginning. Well WAAAHHHH!! Get the hell over it you big babies. She likes him, so hes getting another one. Sit home and knit some sweaters and watch The Gilmore Girls in your Turkish Suite; or whatever the hell you gayboys do together while not out with Ali.
Frank and Ali meet up and have great chemistry right from the first second. Its clear that she likes him a lot. Which of course means that their relationship will end in heartache. But for now, they walk around the streets of Turkey; haggling for items in the market, trying on ridiculous outfits and buying a carpet after being forced by a pushy salesdude. Then Ali takes Frank to dinner in a "magical" place. He pours his heart out to her, and she stares at him in silence before saying that her feelings for him "scare her." She is afraid of having them not returned, and afraid to fall for him. They kiss and kiss and she says he has the potential to break her heart. Its almost as if she KNOWS that something terribly awful will happen next week between her and Frank, according to the preview scenes. He tells her something that changes everything, and there is LOTS of crying and tears from both of them. Gee. I wonder if he was also attacked by MOLD. Or maybe he had a headcold once. Or the flu. That would be devestating.
Holy Christ are we done here yet? I TOLD you this episode was boring. Ali sits down with Chris Douchebag Harrison and tells him that she doesnt need to have a Cocktail Party tonight because she already knows who she wants to send home, and she doesnt feel its fair to that person to put them through a party where they might think they are staying. Well thank GOD for small miracles, at least THIS part of the show wasnt dragged out. After she tells Harrison the news, she looks out the window longingly.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Yawn. Ali gave roses to everyone, until the two left standing were Kurk and Craig. Harrison said his line: "Ali, this is the final rose ... whenever youre ready .... " Then Ali stood with the rose in her hand for about 4.6 hours looking dramatically and then ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh Im sorry, did I fall asleep AGAIN? Wow. I apoligize. She sent Craig home. Huge surprise. Not.
Craig looked like death warmed over as he left Turkey confused and forlorn. I always love the moment when whoever is being sent home finds out; and then Douchebag Harrison says "Im sorry Craig ... take a moment... say your goodbyes." Its SO PHONY. As if Harrison gives a crap about these men and who goes home or not. Anyway, Craig seemed brokenhearted and shocked that he was going home; and I needed to be revived after falling asleep yet again. Next weeks episode, in two days, is in Portugal. PLEASE let there be some ACTUAL drama and let it be more exciting than this borefest was.
Seacrest Out! Oh sorry. Wrong show.
We, the viewers, have already been treated to lots of non-dramatic drama in the Ali season. Here are some examples:
1. The huuuuge deal the producers made about Kasey being "creepy." Playing weird horror music everytime he was onscreen, making the tattoo thing a MUCH bigger deal than it really was, etc. In the end, he was just a very weird dude with a voice like a frog. Dork? Yes. A bit strange? Absolutely! But creepy? I dont think so.
2. Kurt's retarded MOLD story. This was perhaps THE most boring, pointless, doesnt matter story ever. And they built it up like it was this huge secret that would change their relationship forever; made it sound like he was "hiding something" from Ali. No. The dude got some mold poisoning awhile back and got very ill from it. Thats it. Who the hell cares?
3. The Weatherman and all of his weirdness and emotional baggage. They made it seem as if he was very unstable and clingy with Ali. Yes, the guy was extremely odd. And yes, he made weather references all the damn time and I wanted to kill him for that. But they spent way too much time focusing on this loser for no real reason.
And this week; the non-drama drama starts up pretty much right away after the wacky guys and gal land in Istanbul, Turkey. Ali exclaims: "I didnt realize that 13 million people lived here!" No, of course you didnt. Until the producers handed you that card which told you that 13 million people live there. Ali then went on and on about how happy she is right now, and how NOTHING could possibly go wrong at this point! And then .... you guessed it ... it goes wrong. Cue dramatic music.
Douchebag Harrison shows up at Ali's Suite with some bad news. Because thats Harrison's job; besides saying: "Ali, you have one rose left .... take a minute ....when youre ready...." Thats his FAVORITE job that gives him a reason to wake up in the morning; but he REALLY gets off when there is some huge drama going on that he gets to report to the Bachelorette. Cuz then he gets some true screen time. When the producers told him that Justin had a girlfriend and that he gets to break the news to Ali, he probably went off to his Bachelorette room and jerked off because he was so excited by this. So anyway, Harrison knocks on Ali's door and tells her the bad news that someone "isnt here for the right reasons." Then, just to drag this out as much as possible, he tells Ali that he is going to call Jesse, who was on last seasons Bachelor with Jake, and let Ali talk to Jesse on the phone. (What the hell Jesse has to do with ANYTHING is beyond me) So he calls Jesse: and Im not kidding; her phone must have rang 11 times before she finally picked it up. CMON! Like she wasnt sitting right there waiting for this call that she KNEW was coming? Such bullshit.
Ali and Jesse get on the phone, and Jesse tells Ali that "someone is not there for the right reasons, and that someone is Justin. He has a girlfriend." Ali asks Jesse how she knows this, and Jesse says "because Im sitting right here with her!" (more dramatic music) Ladies and gentlemen ... nondrama drama. So the stupid girlfriend now gets on the phone and immediately starts crying her head off. Her and Ali have a really boring conversation about how Justin planned on using the show to promote his wrestling career, and making it to the "top 3". Gee, where have we heard this before? Ummm, can you say WES? That was LAST seasons guy who "wasnt there for the right reasons", and was there to promote his shitty music career. At least HE had a hilariously horrific cheesy personality that was fun to mock. Justin is about as exciting as that Mold that almost murdered Kurk. But we will get to that soon. Back to the boring phonecall. Dumb girlfriend sobs some more and tells Ali that her and Justin have been together for over 2 years; and that one day, out of the blue, he says he is going to go on The Bachelorette to promote his career, but that he loves HER and not to worry, etc. She says she went along with it because she loved him. Im sorry, but thats where you lose me. You WENT ALONG WITH IT? Really? Well lady, you are officially an idiot. Ali gets off the phone with the boring girlfriend, and Chris Harrison acts all "father-figure, I care about you as a person" with Ali; telling her how very sorry he is and asking what she wants to do. Ali decides to go downstairs right now and confront Justin.
What followed was the most boring confrontation EVER on network television. I couldnt believe my eyes and ears while watching this stupid, infantile, lameass, no purpose, go nowhere scene between Ali and Justin. TERRIBLE! It was very difficult to stay awake, to be honest with you. Because not only was it boring, but it went on and on and on and on.... If any of you saw it, you surely know what Im talking about.
First of all, for the total douchebag that Justin is, Ali didnt really seem to care all that much one way or the other about him. When she was told about Justins intentions by Chris, she kind of just sat there going "mmhmm" over and over. There were no tears, no sadness, not much anger or emotion at all. She just said she wanted him gone. Understandable. But Its hard to believe that she had developed ANY sort of feelings for this guy at all. If she did, it did not show one bit.
Ali goes down to the room where all the men are; and Harrison follows her like a wounded puppy. He tells the men "Men - Ali has something to say." Wow thanks! Its a good thing you told them that, because otherwise noone would have figured that out when she started moving her lips to talk. What would we do without you Harrison? Ali asks the men if this has been hard on them, then she says "Well Justin it must be especially hard on YOU since your girlfriend is at home waiting for you!" (this moment was supposed to be dramatic but it wasnt.) Justin says nothing. Ali continues to probe and say the word girlfriend about 4 more times. Justin hops off on his crutches (which he got rid of last week so why are they back on again?) and again says nothing. Ali tells him to stay and talk like a MAN!!! He hops away. Ali says that she is "pissed." She tells us this four times. Into the camera. To Chris Harrison. To Justin. To the men. I guess she is pissed. Or she wants us to think she is pissed. Either way - more nondrama-drama.
Ali goes after Justin after he exits whatever building they are all in. All the girly-gossipy-men watch through the window as the drama unfolds. They say shocking things about Justin like:
"Hes nothing but a JERK!" (ooooohhh! Watch your language there buddy! This is a family show!)
"I hope he has to swim in those crutches!" (Ummm, okay. Good one!)
"We are in Turkey, and He is a Turkey!" (this isnt the exact quote, but I swear someone actually said that. Im not making it up.)
So Hopalong Justin hops over fences, through bushes, over endless fields of grass ... there seems to be an obstacle course outside wherever he goes, and Ali is following him half-yelling things like: "Cmon Justin! Is this how you want to be perceived? Talk to me like a man Justin! Are you really just going to walk away?" He keeps walking away. Finally, after what seems like hours of watching him limp and hop along and getting nowhere, Justin comes back and sits on a random bench with Ali. This was pretty much their dialogue:
Justin: So, Im sure you like, wanna chop off my head right now and everything ....
Ali: your girlfriend ....
Justin: Well....she like.....like my best friend and ummm....going into this and ....wth 100% of my heart and I did that but then I .... well this is the thing ... like...like about what? I dont...ummm...I didnt...no no...Im not sure."
Ali: She was sobbing on the phone! Are you saying she lied to me? That your girlfriend is a liar?
Justin" Ummm no no ...Im not... the thing is ... I dont.... we are best friends...and ....
Ali: she said that you two have been planning this from the beginning, and that it was to get famous only, and that the whole time you have been calilng her and leaving messages etc.
Justin: No no I didnt, well... I mean... no , It wasnt to get famous and no messages, I ....Im sorry....
He literally MADE NO SENSE. It was like she was talking to someone from another country who doesnt speak english, except that conversation would have made more sense than this one. And as Justin hopped away for the final time, all the many phone messages he left for his girlfriend played out for the TV audience to hear. That was pretty funny.
So we move on from stupid Justin. After all, we do have DATES to go on this week with Ali.
Ty gets the one on one date, and all the other men bitch and moan about it like women.
TY AND ALI's DATE:
The date basically included a lot of giggling, relaxing, saying the word AWESOME every two seconds, massaging one another, kissing while sitting in a turkish bath together, and more porn-like massage. Later on; the two lovebirds have a romantic dinner by the water; where Ali interrogates Ty about his first marriage and finds out that hes a true country boy at heart. Not always a good thing. Sure, he opens doors for you and is a gentleman; BUT; he also told her that a huge reason his first marriage ended was because he couldnt deal with his wife being in the work force. Then he actually said "Im startin to realize now that women can work! they are CEOs and Presidents of companies!" Ummm, YEAH JACKASS! Who are you, Ralph Kramden? Is this 1947? You REALLY didnt know that women WORK? Way to stay relevant in society dude. But hey, he kisses great, so stupid Ali gave him the rose and he stays.
GROUP DATE:
The group date was Kurk, Roberto, Craig, and Chris. Ali tells them that they are going to be embracing Turkish tradition and fighting for one-on-one time with her. Guess how? No, really. Just guess. TURKISH OLIVE OIL WRESTLING. This involves Ali smothering the shirtless men in olive oil, and then pairing them up with professional olive oil wrestlers; because apparently this is a big deal sport in Turkey; and making them roll around covered in olive oil half nude with other giant, half nude dudes who look like they are wearing Depends. The winner gets a date that night with Ali. Yeah. So: THIS IS THE GAYEST THING EVER ON THIS SHOW!!! And thats saying a lot, since every week they make these men do something incredibly GAY to "prove their love and devotion" to Ali. Nothin really shows your love for a woman like rolling around naked covered in olive oil with another ...... man. Most ridiculous thing ever. So they pair up and do the gay porn ... I mean ... wrestling thing .... and everyone pretty much lost against their PRO better half. Except Craig, who has had NO one on one dates with Ali and was determined to wrestle his little gay ass off to get one. So he is declared the winner. But then ... THEN ... they make the men go up against each OTHER in yet another round of gayness. So what the hell was the purpose of the pro-wrestlers then? MAKES NO SENSE. So Roberto and Craig pair up, and Craig fights hard and somehow wins. And that, my friends, is the entire group date. Can you imagine if you are one of these four men and THATS your group date with Ali? Having her watch as you bump uglies with some half naked dude, and then you go home? I would be PISSED. Much like Ali was when she found out Justin has a girlfriend. Uh huh.
CRAIG AND ALIS DATE:
They go on a boatride, then watch fireworks while eating desserts and champagne.
They hug awkwardly and have ZERO chemistry. He is under the impression that he is interesting and that he will keep seeing Ali. I think I fell asleep after that, and so did Ali.
FRANK AND ALIS DATE:
Frank gets the official second one on one date with Ali. All the guys are mad as hell and not gonna take it, because Frank already HAD a one on one date way back in the beginning. Well WAAAHHHH!! Get the hell over it you big babies. She likes him, so hes getting another one. Sit home and knit some sweaters and watch The Gilmore Girls in your Turkish Suite; or whatever the hell you gayboys do together while not out with Ali.
Frank and Ali meet up and have great chemistry right from the first second. Its clear that she likes him a lot. Which of course means that their relationship will end in heartache. But for now, they walk around the streets of Turkey; haggling for items in the market, trying on ridiculous outfits and buying a carpet after being forced by a pushy salesdude. Then Ali takes Frank to dinner in a "magical" place. He pours his heart out to her, and she stares at him in silence before saying that her feelings for him "scare her." She is afraid of having them not returned, and afraid to fall for him. They kiss and kiss and she says he has the potential to break her heart. Its almost as if she KNOWS that something terribly awful will happen next week between her and Frank, according to the preview scenes. He tells her something that changes everything, and there is LOTS of crying and tears from both of them. Gee. I wonder if he was also attacked by MOLD. Or maybe he had a headcold once. Or the flu. That would be devestating.
Holy Christ are we done here yet? I TOLD you this episode was boring. Ali sits down with Chris Douchebag Harrison and tells him that she doesnt need to have a Cocktail Party tonight because she already knows who she wants to send home, and she doesnt feel its fair to that person to put them through a party where they might think they are staying. Well thank GOD for small miracles, at least THIS part of the show wasnt dragged out. After she tells Harrison the news, she looks out the window longingly.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Yawn. Ali gave roses to everyone, until the two left standing were Kurk and Craig. Harrison said his line: "Ali, this is the final rose ... whenever youre ready .... " Then Ali stood with the rose in her hand for about 4.6 hours looking dramatically and then ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh Im sorry, did I fall asleep AGAIN? Wow. I apoligize. She sent Craig home. Huge surprise. Not.
Craig looked like death warmed over as he left Turkey confused and forlorn. I always love the moment when whoever is being sent home finds out; and then Douchebag Harrison says "Im sorry Craig ... take a moment... say your goodbyes." Its SO PHONY. As if Harrison gives a crap about these men and who goes home or not. Anyway, Craig seemed brokenhearted and shocked that he was going home; and I needed to be revived after falling asleep yet again. Next weeks episode, in two days, is in Portugal. PLEASE let there be some ACTUAL drama and let it be more exciting than this borefest was.
Seacrest Out! Oh sorry. Wrong show.
BACHELORETTE REVIEW "I Want to Guard and Protect Your Heart" Episode
So, apparently the producers of "The Bachelorette" have completely lost their goddamned minds, because this was by far the weirdest, most bizarre episode yet. Not only was there a ton of "non-drama drama" as I like to call it (thats when they TRY to make us think that something really dramatic or exciting is happening by playing strange music in the background or showing things in shadows, when in fact, nothing at all is actually happening.), but there was a whole buttload of bad singing going on during this episode. I mean seriously, what was with all the singing? There were men serenading Ali (badly), a group date on broadway at THE LION KING, and guitars were breaking out left and right with some of the worst written songs Ive ever heard in my entire life. Welcome to The Bachelorette: The Musical. You will not get your moneys worth.
So, as always, we begin with douchebag host Chris Harrison (Im still convinced he is a direct relative of douchebag host Ryan Seacrest) gathering all the "men" into the living room of Testosterone Castle for a very exciting announcement. Are you ready? The men will be leaving Testosterone Castle FOREVER! From now on, they will be traveling around the WORLD to fall in love with Ali. Yup. These losers are going on a world tour to fight over this dumb girl. I wonder if they will sell t-shirts and have a tour-bus. After all, they are such wonderful singers ... (Gag)
So, no more Testosterone Castle. These men will have to lie around shirtless pounding beers in fancy hotels and condos across the world. Nothing like a bunch of grown-ass horny men all living together, right? Its sort of like being in prison, and everyone knows what happens in prison ...
The first stop on this Tour of Ali is, of course, NYC. Because let's be even more cliche, shall we? Ali is seen walking the city streets dressed in all black and a bright yellow knit hat. She holds her deli coffee in both hands (just like she holds the roses, as if its a large bouquet that needs two hands) and tells us how she cant WAIT to fall in love in NYC, and how AMAZING this will be. At this point, Ali is swept off by some random team at IN STYLE magazine, for a complete makeover. Well, if your definition of a makeover is a couple of new outfits to borrow for dates, then sure. She looked exactly the same after the makeover, and her stupid hair was still all over the place and unbrushed. She is lucky that she is naturally pretty, because she is a mess. During her supposed makeover, she tells the stylist all about her "boys" and how great they are. First of all, STOP referring to them as BOYS. Its annoying. And second, some of the things that come out of this girls mouth are just ... well ... retarded. Like this:
ALI: (to stylist) "Frank is the funniest guy Ive EVER met in my ENTIRE life!"
Ummm, really? Okay, at best, Frank is mildly amusing. He is funny in a dorky sort of way. But the funniest person youve ever met? Ever? Funnier than anyone else you know in your whole life? Wow. Remind me to never attend a family gathering at Ali's house. Must be a room full of unfunny, monotone, boring asswipes sitting around drinking hot tea. No wonder Ali giggles at EVERYTHING. Shes desperate for a laugh.
KASEY THE FROG / ALI ONE ON ONE DATE:
Kasey got the first one on one date with Ali. The best way to describe their date would be awkward. No - uncomfortable. No chemistry. Forced. Horrific unexplainable conversation. Nervous giggling. And Kasey sounds like he has snot in his nose everytime he speaks. I cant handle it. He needs to spend about a week and a half in a room alone, just blowing his nose until that shits all gone. Disgusting.
This awful date started out with, you guessed it, a helicopter!!! WOW! I cant believe it, can you? Hey, did you know that Ali is afraid of flying? And hey, lets have a helicopter or private jet OVER AND OVER AGAIN for multiple dates, and continue to act like its NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!
Kasey tells both the camera and Ali directly SEVERAL times that he wants to "guard and protect" her heart. It sounds like hes reading from a script, which she TELLS him, and he doesnt understand. He just continues to use terms like "fantasy girl", "wife" "waiting for my special moment" and his favorite; "I want to guard and protect your heart." Each time Kasey says these things, he is met with silence and awkwardness. You would think he would back off. But no. His reaction is to randomly start singing to her out of nowhere. They are sitting in the grass and he suddenly starts serenading Ali and staring at her intently. The last line of his awful song is:
"I hope in my hindsight, I will see and find a rose."
Yeah. Move over James Taylor. We got ourselves a songwriter here.
My favorite part was right after his song ended -- there was a moment of confused silence -- and then he said, "Yeah. Thats pretty intense stuff." No, no, no, no, no, you ASS! That was not intense. It was just BAD. And awkward. And baffling. And you are really, really weird.
After Kaseys mini-musical, the two head over to the Natural Museum of History, where they run around in the dark with flashlights and pretend to act all frightened of the fake dinosaurs. It is at this point that we are supposed to find Kasey creepy, since he "scares" Ali by hiding in a hallway. I find him creepy simply because hes a goddamn weirdo. The date ended by Kasey singing to her AGAIN, followed by more silence. Ali did not give Kasey the rose, but then she told him she wanted him to stick around and not go home. Since when does no rose = you get to stay? What the hell is that? Way to completely change the rules of the game there Ali. If you want him to stay, then give him the stupid rose, whats the difference? Honestly, when she started telling him he didnt gt the rose, he looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown, so I think she sensed that and told him to stay so he wouldnt off himself.
LION KING GROUPDATE:
This weeks orgy... I mean... group date... was with Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kurt, Jonathan (Weatherman), Frank, and Ty. Oh, and I guess you can come along too Ali. Even though youre sick as a dog and are coughing and sneezing all over everybody. Great, good times. Thats fun when youre making out with 10 different guys per night. Nice job of passing on some real germs to every single guy there. Now, if you didnt think all these men hanging out together with one woman was gay enough; its about to get much gayer; because this weeks group date went to Broadway's THE LION KING. Ali told the camera about 400 times how broadway is her very favorite thing on earth, and how its amazing and wonderful and she loves it very much. At this point, we find out that the men are going to audition to be IN The Lion King with Ali, and only one of them will win this amazing prize. Roberto won, and the other men warbled their way through "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" Ali swooned at Robertos cock ... and the two went on to rehearse their very weird little dance number as all the men were forced to watch. The Weatherman started getting all upset again because he cant sing, and said to the camera "The forecast was for sunny skies, then out of the blue, clouds came in and crapped all over me." Really? REALLY? Does everything have to be a weather reference with this ass? We get it, youre a weatherman. Talk like a human being.
After the Lion King mess, Ali brings the men to a bar, because really, these people need to drink more alcohol. Everyone tries pulling Ali aside to get some alone time with her, and most of them fail. Weatherman tries to interupt a conversation and gets told to come back later, Frank and Ali share a nice kiss in the rain under an umbrella (as she hacks and coughs into his mouth IN THE RAIN!!!), and then Ali ends the evening by not giving out a rose to anyone, and telling the men "Kurt is going to walk me up to my room." Translation: Kurt and I are going to go and have nasty, germy, snot-infested intimate time.
CHRIS L. AND ALI / ONE ON ONE DATE:
Chris L. gets the second one on one date, but Ali is still sick, so she tells him to please come to her suite to hang out instead of going out in NYC together. He brings her soup and flowers, and they talk on the couch about his dead mother. Ya know, for a guy who doesnt like to talk about his dead mother, he sure does talk about his dead mother a lot. Wow. This time he told a sappy story about his mom telling him to look for her in rainbows, and now he sees rainbows everywhere he turns. Perhaps you need to lay off the crackpipe there, Chris. I think Ive seen maybe three rainbows EVER. Theres no way everytime you wake up youre seeing a damn rainbow. I dont buy it.
After talking about Chris's dead mom awhile, Ali allows Chris to call his dad so that his dad can wish him a Happy Birthday. Well gee, isnt that nice? You get one phone call Chris. Im telling you -its just like prison. So Chris and his dad have a conversation that lasts about 7 seconds, and then Ali decides that she is all of a sudden feeling much better. I guess that soup was filled with rainbows and magic powers. So they head on out to a club called 235th Club; where they gorge on lobster and other seafood. The two then head up to the rooftop where Joshua Radin (I know... who?) sings to them (more singing) as they open mouth kiss in a really off-putting fashion. Chris gets a rose and gets to stay. As opposed to Kasey, who DIDNT get a rose, and gets to stay. Yeah, that makes sense.
At this point in the episode, all of the non-drama drama begins. Basically, it involves Kasey sneaking out and getting a tattoo of a Shield that will ... you guessed it ... "guard and protect" Ali's heart forever. When all the gossipy-old ladies ... I mean, men ... wonder about where he went off to and why he has a bandage on his wrist... he makes up some idiotic story about how he got a mild burn and had to go to the hospital. Well, savvy Justin isnt buying it, and knows a lie when he hears one. He confronts Kasey and tells him that hes not here "for the right reasons." This, coming from the guy who snuck off to Alis house LAST week hopping on his left foot, then, in another camera shot, hopping on his right foot. Speculation is that Justin is not really injured, or hes faking, or exageratting, or something. Anyway, it is all a bunch of incredibly boring drama thats just not even worth discussing. Kasey got a dumb tattoo. He lied to the guys and didnt tell Ali about the Tattoo either. He just wants to guard and protect her heart.
COCKTAIL PARTY:
This is where the lameass men get one last chance to talk to Ali before the Rose Ceremony. At this particular party; more weirdness occured. First; Weatherman decides to randomly pull out a guitar and also serenade Ali like Kasey did earlier. This resulted in the same awkwardness that Kasey experienced. Weatherman made yet another weather-related pun into the camera, and looked like he might cry again. I dont remember anything else that happened at the cocktail party, because Im tired and these people bore me.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Everytime they show the men during the rose ceremony, there are always one or two guys in that bunch who I SWEAR I have NEVER seen before. I think theres one dude named Chris N. or some shit, and so far, hes like an extra on the show. WHats his purpose? Theres a few others like that too. They havent had ANY dates with Ali yet, but they are still there. They never show them on camera. The whole thing is so strange.
Ali holds her dumb roses with two hands, and asks the men over and over, "Will you accept this rose?" They each have an incredibly cheesy response; and Kasey reminds Ali that he will guard and protect her heart. Im really happy he said that, because I wasnt sure. He really needs to repeat that a few more times in order for me to truly grasp it. Freak.
Jesse and Weatherman went home. Jesse seemed like a perfectly nice guy. Lord knows why the hell she would send him home over Kasey, but whatever. As for Weatherman; the forecast looks lonely.
So, as always, we begin with douchebag host Chris Harrison (Im still convinced he is a direct relative of douchebag host Ryan Seacrest) gathering all the "men" into the living room of Testosterone Castle for a very exciting announcement. Are you ready? The men will be leaving Testosterone Castle FOREVER! From now on, they will be traveling around the WORLD to fall in love with Ali. Yup. These losers are going on a world tour to fight over this dumb girl. I wonder if they will sell t-shirts and have a tour-bus. After all, they are such wonderful singers ... (Gag)
So, no more Testosterone Castle. These men will have to lie around shirtless pounding beers in fancy hotels and condos across the world. Nothing like a bunch of grown-ass horny men all living together, right? Its sort of like being in prison, and everyone knows what happens in prison ...
The first stop on this Tour of Ali is, of course, NYC. Because let's be even more cliche, shall we? Ali is seen walking the city streets dressed in all black and a bright yellow knit hat. She holds her deli coffee in both hands (just like she holds the roses, as if its a large bouquet that needs two hands) and tells us how she cant WAIT to fall in love in NYC, and how AMAZING this will be. At this point, Ali is swept off by some random team at IN STYLE magazine, for a complete makeover. Well, if your definition of a makeover is a couple of new outfits to borrow for dates, then sure. She looked exactly the same after the makeover, and her stupid hair was still all over the place and unbrushed. She is lucky that she is naturally pretty, because she is a mess. During her supposed makeover, she tells the stylist all about her "boys" and how great they are. First of all, STOP referring to them as BOYS. Its annoying. And second, some of the things that come out of this girls mouth are just ... well ... retarded. Like this:
ALI: (to stylist) "Frank is the funniest guy Ive EVER met in my ENTIRE life!"
Ummm, really? Okay, at best, Frank is mildly amusing. He is funny in a dorky sort of way. But the funniest person youve ever met? Ever? Funnier than anyone else you know in your whole life? Wow. Remind me to never attend a family gathering at Ali's house. Must be a room full of unfunny, monotone, boring asswipes sitting around drinking hot tea. No wonder Ali giggles at EVERYTHING. Shes desperate for a laugh.
KASEY THE FROG / ALI ONE ON ONE DATE:
Kasey got the first one on one date with Ali. The best way to describe their date would be awkward. No - uncomfortable. No chemistry. Forced. Horrific unexplainable conversation. Nervous giggling. And Kasey sounds like he has snot in his nose everytime he speaks. I cant handle it. He needs to spend about a week and a half in a room alone, just blowing his nose until that shits all gone. Disgusting.
This awful date started out with, you guessed it, a helicopter!!! WOW! I cant believe it, can you? Hey, did you know that Ali is afraid of flying? And hey, lets have a helicopter or private jet OVER AND OVER AGAIN for multiple dates, and continue to act like its NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!
Kasey tells both the camera and Ali directly SEVERAL times that he wants to "guard and protect" her heart. It sounds like hes reading from a script, which she TELLS him, and he doesnt understand. He just continues to use terms like "fantasy girl", "wife" "waiting for my special moment" and his favorite; "I want to guard and protect your heart." Each time Kasey says these things, he is met with silence and awkwardness. You would think he would back off. But no. His reaction is to randomly start singing to her out of nowhere. They are sitting in the grass and he suddenly starts serenading Ali and staring at her intently. The last line of his awful song is:
"I hope in my hindsight, I will see and find a rose."
Yeah. Move over James Taylor. We got ourselves a songwriter here.
My favorite part was right after his song ended -- there was a moment of confused silence -- and then he said, "Yeah. Thats pretty intense stuff." No, no, no, no, no, you ASS! That was not intense. It was just BAD. And awkward. And baffling. And you are really, really weird.
After Kaseys mini-musical, the two head over to the Natural Museum of History, where they run around in the dark with flashlights and pretend to act all frightened of the fake dinosaurs. It is at this point that we are supposed to find Kasey creepy, since he "scares" Ali by hiding in a hallway. I find him creepy simply because hes a goddamn weirdo. The date ended by Kasey singing to her AGAIN, followed by more silence. Ali did not give Kasey the rose, but then she told him she wanted him to stick around and not go home. Since when does no rose = you get to stay? What the hell is that? Way to completely change the rules of the game there Ali. If you want him to stay, then give him the stupid rose, whats the difference? Honestly, when she started telling him he didnt gt the rose, he looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown, so I think she sensed that and told him to stay so he wouldnt off himself.
LION KING GROUPDATE:
This weeks orgy... I mean... group date... was with Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kurt, Jonathan (Weatherman), Frank, and Ty. Oh, and I guess you can come along too Ali. Even though youre sick as a dog and are coughing and sneezing all over everybody. Great, good times. Thats fun when youre making out with 10 different guys per night. Nice job of passing on some real germs to every single guy there. Now, if you didnt think all these men hanging out together with one woman was gay enough; its about to get much gayer; because this weeks group date went to Broadway's THE LION KING. Ali told the camera about 400 times how broadway is her very favorite thing on earth, and how its amazing and wonderful and she loves it very much. At this point, we find out that the men are going to audition to be IN The Lion King with Ali, and only one of them will win this amazing prize. Roberto won, and the other men warbled their way through "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" Ali swooned at Robertos cock ... and the two went on to rehearse their very weird little dance number as all the men were forced to watch. The Weatherman started getting all upset again because he cant sing, and said to the camera "The forecast was for sunny skies, then out of the blue, clouds came in and crapped all over me." Really? REALLY? Does everything have to be a weather reference with this ass? We get it, youre a weatherman. Talk like a human being.
After the Lion King mess, Ali brings the men to a bar, because really, these people need to drink more alcohol. Everyone tries pulling Ali aside to get some alone time with her, and most of them fail. Weatherman tries to interupt a conversation and gets told to come back later, Frank and Ali share a nice kiss in the rain under an umbrella (as she hacks and coughs into his mouth IN THE RAIN!!!), and then Ali ends the evening by not giving out a rose to anyone, and telling the men "Kurt is going to walk me up to my room." Translation: Kurt and I are going to go and have nasty, germy, snot-infested intimate time.
CHRIS L. AND ALI / ONE ON ONE DATE:
Chris L. gets the second one on one date, but Ali is still sick, so she tells him to please come to her suite to hang out instead of going out in NYC together. He brings her soup and flowers, and they talk on the couch about his dead mother. Ya know, for a guy who doesnt like to talk about his dead mother, he sure does talk about his dead mother a lot. Wow. This time he told a sappy story about his mom telling him to look for her in rainbows, and now he sees rainbows everywhere he turns. Perhaps you need to lay off the crackpipe there, Chris. I think Ive seen maybe three rainbows EVER. Theres no way everytime you wake up youre seeing a damn rainbow. I dont buy it.
After talking about Chris's dead mom awhile, Ali allows Chris to call his dad so that his dad can wish him a Happy Birthday. Well gee, isnt that nice? You get one phone call Chris. Im telling you -its just like prison. So Chris and his dad have a conversation that lasts about 7 seconds, and then Ali decides that she is all of a sudden feeling much better. I guess that soup was filled with rainbows and magic powers. So they head on out to a club called 235th Club; where they gorge on lobster and other seafood. The two then head up to the rooftop where Joshua Radin (I know... who?) sings to them (more singing) as they open mouth kiss in a really off-putting fashion. Chris gets a rose and gets to stay. As opposed to Kasey, who DIDNT get a rose, and gets to stay. Yeah, that makes sense.
At this point in the episode, all of the non-drama drama begins. Basically, it involves Kasey sneaking out and getting a tattoo of a Shield that will ... you guessed it ... "guard and protect" Ali's heart forever. When all the gossipy-old ladies ... I mean, men ... wonder about where he went off to and why he has a bandage on his wrist... he makes up some idiotic story about how he got a mild burn and had to go to the hospital. Well, savvy Justin isnt buying it, and knows a lie when he hears one. He confronts Kasey and tells him that hes not here "for the right reasons." This, coming from the guy who snuck off to Alis house LAST week hopping on his left foot, then, in another camera shot, hopping on his right foot. Speculation is that Justin is not really injured, or hes faking, or exageratting, or something. Anyway, it is all a bunch of incredibly boring drama thats just not even worth discussing. Kasey got a dumb tattoo. He lied to the guys and didnt tell Ali about the Tattoo either. He just wants to guard and protect her heart.
COCKTAIL PARTY:
This is where the lameass men get one last chance to talk to Ali before the Rose Ceremony. At this particular party; more weirdness occured. First; Weatherman decides to randomly pull out a guitar and also serenade Ali like Kasey did earlier. This resulted in the same awkwardness that Kasey experienced. Weatherman made yet another weather-related pun into the camera, and looked like he might cry again. I dont remember anything else that happened at the cocktail party, because Im tired and these people bore me.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Everytime they show the men during the rose ceremony, there are always one or two guys in that bunch who I SWEAR I have NEVER seen before. I think theres one dude named Chris N. or some shit, and so far, hes like an extra on the show. WHats his purpose? Theres a few others like that too. They havent had ANY dates with Ali yet, but they are still there. They never show them on camera. The whole thing is so strange.
Ali holds her dumb roses with two hands, and asks the men over and over, "Will you accept this rose?" They each have an incredibly cheesy response; and Kasey reminds Ali that he will guard and protect her heart. Im really happy he said that, because I wasnt sure. He really needs to repeat that a few more times in order for me to truly grasp it. Freak.
Jesse and Weatherman went home. Jesse seemed like a perfectly nice guy. Lord knows why the hell she would send him home over Kasey, but whatever. As for Weatherman; the forecast looks lonely.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
