BACHELORETTE REVIEW: "Iceland is the Perfect Place to Fall In Love!" Episode

Hey kids, did you know that Iceland is THE perfect place to fall in love? No? Well neither did I. But then Ali informed me that it was, on this weeks episode of The Bachelorette. Its funny though, because I thought that New York City was the perfect place to fall in love. Thats what Ali said last week when the gang traveled to NYC together. Or wait ... maybe Istanbul, Turkey is the perfect place to fall in love! Yes, that must be it. Because that is where these fools will end up next week in their quest for love- turned- failed tabloid relationship. The lesson? Wherever you are at that particular time and moment, THAT is the perfect place to fall in love.

By the way, speaking of tabloid-failed relationships, Jake and Vienna broke off their engagement. For anyone not following, Jake is last seasons Bachelor, and Vienna is the white-trash redneck that he chose to spend his life with. Well .. life ... or about 4months. If those two crazy kids cant make it work, well then what chance do the rest of us have? Sniff sniff. So, yet another failed relationship from this ridiculous show. This makes The Bachelor 0 for however many seasons they have been on,while The Bachelorette has I believe 2 successful relationships thus far. Something tells me that Ali will be joining the failed column. But Im getting ahead of myself ...

So we begin with the plane landing in Iceland, which I must say, looks like an absolutely beautiful place. Too bad it was filled with douchebags from The Bachelorette for a few days. Ali walked the streets in an igloo looking hat and weird outfit, exclaiming that Iceland is "amaaazing!" and "I never thought Id come to Iceland to find love." Well of course you didnt, you dumbass. Who does? Who thinks "Gee, I think Ill go to Iceland and find love today!" But when a free trip is shoved in front of your face as part of the silly romance show you agreed to be on, well then little lady... looks like youre goin to Iceland!

Douchebag Harrison also gets to make the trip, because apparently this guys life is aiding Bachelors and Bachelorettes to "find love" on national TV. This is why Chris Harrison is such a douche to me. I mean honestly - who has a life goal of being the host of The Bachelor/Bachelorette series for years and years and years, and takes it THAT seriously? You can tell this dude aint kidding around with this gig. This is his life. His most important (subtext of important is of course pointless) moment on the show is each week, during the Rose Ceremony, when there is only one rose left. This is his big time to shine. This is when he gets to come out, stop the entire show, and say overdramatically "Ali ... you have one rose left. When youre ready ...." THATS HIS PURPOSE! As if its necessary for him to even say that at all? I think the audience and Ali and the men can all figure out that there is one rose left, without him telling us. But you can tell he looks forward to that moment in the spotlight. Its HIS time and noones gonna take it away!

Back to Iceland. Harrison tells the guys they have one hour to write original love poems to Ali and then present them to her. GAG! The winner, chosen by Ali, would go on a one-on-one date with her.

So, the men began performing for Ali. And Shakespeare they were not. Hell, they werent even Shell Silverstein or Dr. Seuss. Some of these poems were simply horrific. At about 6minutes into the show, Chris N. FINALLY freakin said something, and it was so boring and forgettable that I cant tell you what it was. WOW that guy is a snooze. And this was part of his poem:

"We need to go out, heat up Iceland
......and head out."

This was followed by awkward silence. Perhaps he should go back to never speaking.

Most of the other poems were pretty lame, Kermit the Frogs was of course a bit creepy and had the phrase "my heart, my heart" all over it, and Frank and Kurk both went over to Ali and delivered their poems more intimately, which she liked. Franks was the best one, but Ali chose Kurk because they havent had a one-on-one date yet. Really though, she chose him because she loves sucking face with him and wanted to do more of it. Lets be real. I mean cmon ... he said she had "root-beer eyes" in his poem. Really? Root beer eyes? Sit down and try again.

KIRK AND ALI DATE:

This date was just weird. The two lovebirds first went to a swetershop and tried on sweaters. Let me repeat that for you. They went to a sweatershop. And tried on sweaters. (crickets) Riveting, eh? Oh but it gets worse. For some stupid reason, these giggling morons thought it would be cute and adorable to buy the EXACT same outfit, silly hat and all, and wear it out of the store. So they continued to walk around Iceland looking like retarded Doublemint Twins.

So Tweedly Dee and Tweedly Dumber then went to a Lobster House for a romantic dinner. Ali kept telling the camera that she wanted Kirk to "open up" to her, and Kirk kept telling the camera that tonight he was going to reveal his big past history to Ali, and hope that she still wants to be with him anyway. So he started to tell Ali all of his hopes and dreams, his life goals, and everything in nauseating detail about his life ... all leading up to this big, huge SECRET about him that he needed to get out to her. Now, there are a lot of things I can think of that one might have as a secret that would affect future relationships and therefore be hard to talk about. Big secrets; such as: Hey Ali, Im gay. Thought you should know. Or; I used to be a woman. Now Im not. Or maybe: FYI Ali ... Ive got 3 kids at home. Theyre not mine. I kidnapped them. To me, those might be secrets that would change the course of any relationship. With that in mind, would you like to hear what Kirks big secret was? Would you? You wont believe it. I mean, if I asked you to take 5 guesses on what the secret is, you would never in a milion years guess this. Because its THAT random. Okay. Here we go ....

Kirks Secret: A few years ago, he got really sick and the culprit was aesbestos i.e. MOLD poisoning. His secret was about Mold. Not cancer, not AIDS, not even clinical depression ... MOLD!!!??!!!??!!!! Are you freakin KIDDING ME??? Ummm, sorry about your mold poisoning, but HOW DOES THIS AFFECT ANYTHING in ANY WAY? He told her this big bad mold secret like he was telling her that he is a child molestor. He got sick from some mold in the walls of his house. Okay. Wow that sucks dude. Can we move on now? The BEST line of the entire date was when he was wrapping up his riveting tale of mold illness, he actually told Ali: "It doesnt define me." Like it was a rape. Mold does NOT define me!!! Im seriously still laughing over how stupid this was. Mold. In the end, his mold story won him a rose from Ali.

GROUP DATE:

The group date was pretty uneventful and involved lots of horse riding and then exploring into a cave of some sort. Ty used his cowboy skills to be the helpful guy of the day; while Frank sulked in the corner because he couldnt have Ali all to himself. Later that night, Ali takes the guys to Blue Lagoon Lake, which is supposedly a magical place, and she kisses Chris L. and spends more time with Ty. Ty gets the group date rose, making him safe for another week.


2 on 1 DATE with KASEY, JUSTIN, ALI:

Yes folks, chance (or the producers) put the two people in the house who hate each other most, on a 2 on 1 date with Ali, where one of them gets a rose and the other one goes home. Kasey continued to tell the camera that he was giong to guard and protect Alis heart , and that he needed to find the right time to tell her about his stupid tattoo. Justin, meanwhile, continued to give his pompous and smug looks to everyone and brag about how he isnt planning on being sent home today. Justin then has his crutches removed and gets a leg brace instead. The three then head onto ...you guessed it... a private plane ...where they fly over and then watch an erupting volcano. Later, Ali spent time talking alone with each guy. With Justin, he tried to comfort her and make her feel better about all that she is going through in making these difficult decisions each week. He came across as phony to me. Ali seemed to buy it though. With Kasey the Frog, ali said to camera that all he needed to do was "be normal." Well THATS a ringing endorsement. Guess what? He wasnt normal. They sat on ice and drank hot chocolate while he talked about his hurting heart and his guarding and protecting her and blah blah blah...then he whipped it out! No, not THAT. The tattoo. He explained that this is who he is and he wanted to prove how dedicated he was to her. SHe looked freaked out and said nothing. Minutes later, Ali walked along the icy snow with the two men, and chose to keep Justin and send poor Kasey home with his dumb tattoo. They literally looked down on him as their plane took off and he stood there in the snow alone.

COCKTAIL PARTY:

Frank takes Ali's advice to be more assertive and he steals her away at the party. They kiss and hug and get all cutesy with each other. Craig R. then takes Ali aside and shows her his love by premiering HIS tattoo, which is a penned in cheesy drawing of a cupid with a bow through it. He was mocking Kasey and it was pretty funny. Lastly, Chris N. also took Ali aside for some one on one time, where he proved once again that he is in fact the most uninteresting person on the planet. Heres a taste of their conversation:

Ali: So tell me something about you...
Chris: Ummm ... I like mexican food.
Ali: Uh huh.
Chris: Umm, people are like 'oh my god youre so funny' ... (silence)
Ali: hmmm....

SO AWKWARD.

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison takes Ali aside and talks with her, host to Bachelorette.
He suddenly turns into a therapist as he calls Ali out on being "afraid to fall in love." Ali says she is scared that she will fall for someone and they wont love her back. Harrison gives a phony "I care about you as a person" look, and they start to make out with each other. Nah. They dont. But thatd be hilarious.


ROSE CEREMONY:

Ali sends home just one guy, and that is Chris N. Yup, Mr. Snoozefest goes home. And he looked as if someone shot his entire family when he found out it was him leaving. He actually said "Im actually really surprised" Really? Are ya? You have the personality of plywood, dude. Get in the sad limo and go home.

Those of you who arent watching the show and only reading my blog, I highly suggest watching next weeks episode, as it looks like a good one, filled with overdramatics and lots of sobbing and yelling. It seems that SOMEONE "isnt here for the right reasons" and has a girlfriend at home. (Gee how original. Didnt we have this issue last season?) My guess is that its Justin. He just seems really full of himself and not that into Ali, so I can see it being him. Whatever it is, it should be a fun trainwreck next week.

Next stop on the train of Failed Romance? TURKEY! (which is the perfect place to fall in love)

BACHELORETTE REVIEW "I Want to Guard and Protect Your Heart" Episode

So, apparently the producers of "The Bachelorette" have completely lost their goddamned minds, because this was by far the weirdest, most bizarre episode yet. Not only was there a ton of "non-drama drama" as I like to call it (thats when they TRY to make us think that something really dramatic or exciting is happening by playing strange music in the background or showing things in shadows, when in fact, nothing at all is actually happening.), but there was a whole buttload of bad singing going on during this episode. I mean seriously, what was with all the singing? There were men serenading Ali (badly), a group date on broadway at THE LION KING, and guitars were breaking out left and right with some of the worst written songs Ive ever heard in my entire life. Welcome to The Bachelorette: The Musical. You will not get your moneys worth.

So, as always, we begin with douchebag host Chris Harrison (Im still convinced he is a direct relative of douchebag host Ryan Seacrest) gathering all the "men" into the living room of Testosterone Castle for a very exciting announcement. Are you ready? The men will be leaving Testosterone Castle FOREVER! From now on, they will be traveling around the WORLD to fall in love with Ali. Yup. These losers are going on a world tour to fight over this dumb girl. I wonder if they will sell t-shirts and have a tour-bus. After all, they are such wonderful singers ... (Gag)

So, no more Testosterone Castle. These men will have to lie around shirtless pounding beers in fancy hotels and condos across the world. Nothing like a bunch of grown-ass horny men all living together, right? Its sort of like being in prison, and everyone knows what happens in prison ...


The first stop on this Tour of Ali is, of course, NYC. Because let's be even more cliche, shall we? Ali is seen walking the city streets dressed in all black and a bright yellow knit hat. She holds her deli coffee in both hands (just like she holds the roses, as if its a large bouquet that needs two hands) and tells us how she cant WAIT to fall in love in NYC, and how AMAZING this will be. At this point, Ali is swept off by some random team at IN STYLE magazine, for a complete makeover. Well, if your definition of a makeover is a couple of new outfits to borrow for dates, then sure. She looked exactly the same after the makeover, and her stupid hair was still all over the place and unbrushed. She is lucky that she is naturally pretty, because she is a mess. During her supposed makeover, she tells the stylist all about her "boys" and how great they are. First of all, STOP referring to them as BOYS. Its annoying. And second, some of the things that come out of this girls mouth are just ... well ... retarded. Like this:

ALI: (to stylist) "Frank is the funniest guy Ive EVER met in my ENTIRE life!"

Ummm, really? Okay, at best, Frank is mildly amusing. He is funny in a dorky sort of way. But the funniest person youve ever met? Ever? Funnier than anyone else you know in your whole life? Wow. Remind me to never attend a family gathering at Ali's house. Must be a room full of unfunny, monotone, boring asswipes sitting around drinking hot tea. No wonder Ali giggles at EVERYTHING. Shes desperate for a laugh.


KASEY THE FROG / ALI ONE ON ONE DATE:

Kasey got the first one on one date with Ali. The best way to describe their date would be awkward. No - uncomfortable. No chemistry. Forced. Horrific unexplainable conversation. Nervous giggling. And Kasey sounds like he has snot in his nose everytime he speaks. I cant handle it. He needs to spend about a week and a half in a room alone, just blowing his nose until that shits all gone. Disgusting.

This awful date started out with, you guessed it, a helicopter!!! WOW! I cant believe it, can you? Hey, did you know that Ali is afraid of flying? And hey, lets have a helicopter or private jet OVER AND OVER AGAIN for multiple dates, and continue to act like its NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!

Kasey tells both the camera and Ali directly SEVERAL times that he wants to "guard and protect" her heart. It sounds like hes reading from a script, which she TELLS him, and he doesnt understand. He just continues to use terms like "fantasy girl", "wife" "waiting for my special moment" and his favorite; "I want to guard and protect your heart." Each time Kasey says these things, he is met with silence and awkwardness. You would think he would back off. But no. His reaction is to randomly start singing to her out of nowhere. They are sitting in the grass and he suddenly starts serenading Ali and staring at her intently. The last line of his awful song is:

"I hope in my hindsight, I will see and find a rose."

Yeah. Move over James Taylor. We got ourselves a songwriter here.
My favorite part was right after his song ended -- there was a moment of confused silence -- and then he said, "Yeah. Thats pretty intense stuff." No, no, no, no, no, you ASS! That was not intense. It was just BAD. And awkward. And baffling. And you are really, really weird.

After Kaseys mini-musical, the two head over to the Natural Museum of History, where they run around in the dark with flashlights and pretend to act all frightened of the fake dinosaurs. It is at this point that we are supposed to find Kasey creepy, since he "scares" Ali by hiding in a hallway. I find him creepy simply because hes a goddamn weirdo. The date ended by Kasey singing to her AGAIN, followed by more silence. Ali did not give Kasey the rose, but then she told him she wanted him to stick around and not go home. Since when does no rose = you get to stay? What the hell is that? Way to completely change the rules of the game there Ali. If you want him to stay, then give him the stupid rose, whats the difference? Honestly, when she started telling him he didnt gt the rose, he looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown, so I think she sensed that and told him to stay so he wouldnt off himself.



LION KING GROUPDATE:

This weeks orgy... I mean... group date... was with Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kurt, Jonathan (Weatherman), Frank, and Ty. Oh, and I guess you can come along too Ali. Even though youre sick as a dog and are coughing and sneezing all over everybody. Great, good times. Thats fun when youre making out with 10 different guys per night. Nice job of passing on some real germs to every single guy there. Now, if you didnt think all these men hanging out together with one woman was gay enough; its about to get much gayer; because this weeks group date went to Broadway's THE LION KING. Ali told the camera about 400 times how broadway is her very favorite thing on earth, and how its amazing and wonderful and she loves it very much. At this point, we find out that the men are going to audition to be IN The Lion King with Ali, and only one of them will win this amazing prize. Roberto won, and the other men warbled their way through "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" Ali swooned at Robertos cock ... and the two went on to rehearse their very weird little dance number as all the men were forced to watch. The Weatherman started getting all upset again because he cant sing, and said to the camera "The forecast was for sunny skies, then out of the blue, clouds came in and crapped all over me." Really? REALLY? Does everything have to be a weather reference with this ass? We get it, youre a weatherman. Talk like a human being.


After the Lion King mess, Ali brings the men to a bar, because really, these people need to drink more alcohol. Everyone tries pulling Ali aside to get some alone time with her, and most of them fail. Weatherman tries to interupt a conversation and gets told to come back later, Frank and Ali share a nice kiss in the rain under an umbrella (as she hacks and coughs into his mouth IN THE RAIN!!!), and then Ali ends the evening by not giving out a rose to anyone, and telling the men "Kurt is going to walk me up to my room." Translation: Kurt and I are going to go and have nasty, germy, snot-infested intimate time.




CHRIS L. AND ALI / ONE ON ONE DATE:

Chris L. gets the second one on one date, but Ali is still sick, so she tells him to please come to her suite to hang out instead of going out in NYC together. He brings her soup and flowers, and they talk on the couch about his dead mother. Ya know, for a guy who doesnt like to talk about his dead mother, he sure does talk about his dead mother a lot. Wow. This time he told a sappy story about his mom telling him to look for her in rainbows, and now he sees rainbows everywhere he turns. Perhaps you need to lay off the crackpipe there, Chris. I think Ive seen maybe three rainbows EVER. Theres no way everytime you wake up youre seeing a damn rainbow. I dont buy it.

After talking about Chris's dead mom awhile, Ali allows Chris to call his dad so that his dad can wish him a Happy Birthday. Well gee, isnt that nice? You get one phone call Chris. Im telling you -its just like prison. So Chris and his dad have a conversation that lasts about 7 seconds, and then Ali decides that she is all of a sudden feeling much better. I guess that soup was filled with rainbows and magic powers. So they head on out to a club called 235th Club; where they gorge on lobster and other seafood. The two then head up to the rooftop where Joshua Radin (I know... who?) sings to them (more singing) as they open mouth kiss in a really off-putting fashion. Chris gets a rose and gets to stay. As opposed to Kasey, who DIDNT get a rose, and gets to stay. Yeah, that makes sense.


At this point in the episode, all of the non-drama drama begins. Basically, it involves Kasey sneaking out and getting a tattoo of a Shield that will ... you guessed it ... "guard and protect" Ali's heart forever. When all the gossipy-old ladies ... I mean, men ... wonder about where he went off to and why he has a bandage on his wrist... he makes up some idiotic story about how he got a mild burn and had to go to the hospital. Well, savvy Justin isnt buying it, and knows a lie when he hears one. He confronts Kasey and tells him that hes not here "for the right reasons." This, coming from the guy who snuck off to Alis house LAST week hopping on his left foot, then, in another camera shot, hopping on his right foot. Speculation is that Justin is not really injured, or hes faking, or exageratting, or something. Anyway, it is all a bunch of incredibly boring drama thats just not even worth discussing. Kasey got a dumb tattoo. He lied to the guys and didnt tell Ali about the Tattoo either. He just wants to guard and protect her heart.


COCKTAIL PARTY:

This is where the lameass men get one last chance to talk to Ali before the Rose Ceremony. At this particular party; more weirdness occured. First; Weatherman decides to randomly pull out a guitar and also serenade Ali like Kasey did earlier. This resulted in the same awkwardness that Kasey experienced. Weatherman made yet another weather-related pun into the camera, and looked like he might cry again. I dont remember anything else that happened at the cocktail party, because Im tired and these people bore me.


ROSE CEREMONY:

Everytime they show the men during the rose ceremony, there are always one or two guys in that bunch who I SWEAR I have NEVER seen before. I think theres one dude named Chris N. or some shit, and so far, hes like an extra on the show. WHats his purpose? Theres a few others like that too. They havent had ANY dates with Ali yet, but they are still there. They never show them on camera. The whole thing is so strange.

Ali holds her dumb roses with two hands, and asks the men over and over, "Will you accept this rose?" They each have an incredibly cheesy response; and Kasey reminds Ali that he will guard and protect her heart. Im really happy he said that, because I wasnt sure. He really needs to repeat that a few more times in order for me to truly grasp it. Freak.

Jesse and Weatherman went home. Jesse seemed like a perfectly nice guy. Lord knows why the hell she would send him home over Kasey, but whatever. As for Weatherman; the forecast looks lonely.

BACHELORETTE - The "My 3yr old cat Died This week, so Who Cares about These Idiots?" Review

Our cat Ginger died on Tuesday night. She threw a blood clot, her little legs went out, and we rushed her to the ER. Two hours later she was gone. Born with a bad heart, went into heart failure. She was only 3 yrs old. What does this have to do with The Bachelorette? Well, nothing really ... and everything. Life isnt fair. Ginger only got 3years and she was the sweetest little thing Ive ever known. So when I finally got around to watching my DVRed episode of The Bachelorette tonight, I found myself getting pretty angry at these morons, at the producers, at Ali, at everyone for their dumb behavior and for the mere existence of this mess of a show! This is quite possibly the stupidest show on television, and yet something about it makes me want to follow these asshats along on their phony journey, just to see the massive trainwreck that will eventually occur. Sure, its probably a pre-meditated trainwreck and yes, most likely 94% of every "moment" that happens on this show is forced, manipulated, or just a downright lie; but its kind of fun knowing that ahead of time. So this week I had a choice: dont write the blog at all, or write an incredibly angry, bitter blog about this retarded show. So I went with the former. Let the anger begin. Youve been warned.

The stupidity begins once again with Douchebag host Chris Harrison meeting with the men in the main room or whatever its called. And again, all the men look like shit in this meetup. Do they wake these losers up at 6am for these stupid information meetings or what? They always look like they JUST rolled out of bed in the midst of a hurricane. Holy crap put a comb through your hair, brush your teeth at least. I think Ole Googly Eyes (Frank) slept in his glasses, facedown, because they were all desheviled and crooked looking. Anyway, D-bag Harrison gave the men the first "datecard", which tells them who gets the one-on-one with Ali. Well big surprise ...... Roberto got it. I say big surprise because you can pretty much feel Ali's extreme wetness through the tv screen everytime she sees Roberto. Its like the woman has never been touched before (Like A Virgin.... touched for the very first time....) Relax Ali.

ROBERTO AND ALI'S DATE:

Roberto and the others are all standing outside Testosterone Castle -shirtless, for absolutely no reason - when Ali pulls up and giggles incessantly. Listen Ali; I started out liking you; but its not going to last long if I have to hear your damn giggle too many more times. Every goddamn thing on earth is not funny. Stop with the giggling. You know whats not funny? Being a kitty cat who is only THREE and randomly dying. Thats not funny. So shut the hell up already with the laughing. Ali hugs Roberto and he asks her if she drove - she points to the sky and squeels "We arent going by road, we are goin by SKY!" or some dumb shit, and all the shirtless guys with beers make chorus sounds of jealousy which sounds like this: "Dudddeee!!! Oh MAN!!! Plane! Thats a helicopter man! Oooohhhh... Damn... Wow!" etc etc.

So Ali and Roberto take off for their date in a helicopter, where we are reminded ONCE AGAIN that Ali is "terrified!!!!!!!!" of flying. Shes so damn terrified that this is I think the third time now since Jakes Bachelor season, that shes been up in a freakin plane. We get it. You dont like to fly. So why the hell are you setting up dates in the goddamn sky, you idiot? And if you say some crap about how good it is to conquer your fears, Im throwing you out of the plane myself. Ali uses the helicopter ride to grab onto Roberto for dear life. She tells the camera that he is "so manly and protective and could be the one for me!" Yeah, the one for your vagina maybe. Since thats all you seem to be thinking with. How many times now has she informed us how handsome and cute and sexy Roberto is? The answer is a LOT of times. And in Mondays episode, she repeated it more times. She also touched the bottom of all her dresses over and over, played with her own hair, giggled, and did about 25 other annoying things in this episode.

So, the helicopter lands on top of a building, and you guessed it - this is one of those "lets have a crazy highrisk adventure together so we can have forced chemistry during a death-defying stunt " moments. Ali and Roberto are going to have dinner, on top of the building next door. To get there, they have to walk a tightrope type deal ,or some sort of crazyass circus act wire ... when they do this, they share a dumb kiss and Ali giggles while kissing. Later on, they eat dinner and then cuddle and laugh some more. The date is a success of course, and Ali gives Roberto and his penis the Rose; making him safe for another week.

Meanwhile at Testosterone Castle, the men are still all shirtless, holding beers, and making burgers on the grill. They argue and gossip like old ladies about whats happening on the date right now, whether or not Roberto will get the rose, whose turn is it to buy tampons for the house this week. Ladies, ladies... please.

GROUP DATE With Ali:

Every week there are usually two one-on-one dates, and one group date with Ali. The group dates are like one big ole orgy; where everyone is literally fighting for Alis attention, and where Ali looks like a total whore for going on a date with about 8 men at once. Good times. This group date took place in the middle of an ugly street, where Ali led the curious men (and by curious, I mean borderline gay - cmon! they spend 85% of their time locked in a mansion with loads of other men; half nude and drinking alcohol. I think theres more gay action going on on this show than anything else if you ask me.) to a deserted stage. And there .... on that stage.... can you handle the suspense??? ... was ... BARENAKED LADIES!!!!

(Crickets.)

Yes. I know. I shared the same excitment level. BNL break into a song and Ali dances along and goes "Wooohooooo!!! " and generally looks like an idiot. The men all stand there and some of them dance too. Then Ali announces a "huuuuge surprise" (she always has a huuuge surprise for the guys) that her and ALL THE MEN are going to be IN the BNL video!!! Again .... crickets.

So, apparently this video is a porn, because all they did was makeout, kiss, give massages, get into hot tubs, beds, yadda yadda yadda. And Ali had NO problem with this whatsoever. This girl is really whoring it up and enjoying herself. Each dork guy was handed a short scene that he would do with Ali, and then they started filming them one by one. A few highlights from the video shoot:

--Weird Weatherman notices in his scene with Ali that there is a kiss, so he starts sweating like a closeted-homosexual who has never kissed a girl before, and he goes over and awkwardly whispers to Ali that if she feels awkward doing the kissing scene, they dont have to do it. Ali, being not the brightest bulb in the box, doesnt catch on that the dude is super nervous and about to faint, and just says in her bubbly voice "Awww! No its fine! Lets do it! Yay!" or something. Weatherman pours beads of sweat, and in the background all the men are mocking him and laughing at him. They do the scene and he hugs Ali instead of kissing her. He gets mocked some more by the men. His reaction to this is to START CRYING!!!! Yes, Weatherman sheds actual tears because hes being made fun of and told not to play in the Reindeer Games. WHAT A LOSER! You know whatll make you really cry? Watching your 3yr old innocent cat get put to sleep because she cant breathe, because her heart is so large that its sitting on top of her tiny lungs and crushing them! THATLL MAKE YOU CRY, you goddamn pussy! MAN UP!!! holy shit, what are you, 12?
Okay, Im calm. So, Ali hugs him like hes a small child, and they begin the scene again, but this time Ali takes control and she plants a nice lipkiss on the dork. He looks at her the same way Marcia Brady looked at Davey Jones on the episode of the Brady Bunch where he kissed her cheek and she said "Ill never wash this cheek again!" I mean seriously, is this Weatherman guy for real? Is he really this inexperienced, shy, and dorky? And if so, where is he a Waetherman and arent they all going to completely make fun of him when he finally goes back to work? Is he going to start bawling in the newsroom too? Hes making a damn fool of himself on this show so far. 14year olds have more confidence and aura than he does. Asshat.

--The other scene that was interesting on the total other end of the spectrum was the one between Ali and Kirk. Their scene in the video consisted of her wearing a sexy nightie, and then him getting into bed shirtless, and they just randomly start making out. Well, the director yelled CUT, and those two pornstars just kept going, and going, and going, and going ... You have all these other men there WATCHING, and you just decide to publically roll around in bed together for what seemed like an eternity? ICK. Very classy. They were pawing at each other like rabbits, and it just didnt end. I mean really guys, Get a room and go screw already. Now youre just being rude.

There were lots of other men on this groupdate as well, but I couldnt remember most of their names if you paid me. Well, okay, maybe if you paid me, but it would still be difficult. Especially since this show always likes to have a cast of douches who all share the same damn name. Theres always two Chris's, two Mikes, two Curtis's ...and then when The Bachelorette talks about them to the camera she says "When Chris L. kisses me it is amazing, I am falling for Chris L." which sounds incredibly silly to say youre falling for someone, and then refer to them by saying the first initial of their last name. SILLY.

So anyway, Ali and the boys continue the date with a "wrap party" after shooting the video. During this, Weatherman takes her aside and creepily awkwardly says "So ummm.... Wanna go and share our first REAL kiss together?" She just looks at him and says nothing. Fail.

Seconds later, she is headed into the pool with Kirk, and once again they are making out. The old ladies --oh sorry --- MEN - dont like this, so they all cannonball the pool and join the two lovers. Then Ali and her manwhores all watch the porn Barenaked Ladies Video that they apparently just made hours ago. Thats some high quality stuff right there. Im sure a top notch guy edited that thing.

(I just have to interupt myself here to say that Im SO BORED by all this non-drama drama. NONE of this means ANYTHING, and yet its all presented like end of the world type stuff. You know whats end of the world stuff? When your precious kitty is lost and confused and walking around the house searching for her now dead sister because she cant figure out why shes gone suddenly. THATS drama! But on this show, apparently the next thing that happens is the most dramatic thing ever....)

Sigh. Okay. So now the real drama. Justin; the Entertainment Wrestler on crutches for anyone following along; decides that his bum leg is giving him a bum deal on time with Ali, so he sneaks out of Testosterone Castle and WALKS a good 3 miles or so to Alis house. On his crutches. When he gets there, she is so touched by this, that she spends time with him talking, looking through photo albums that he brought over, and cuddling. And giggling of course. Always with the giggling. Eventually, Ali drives Justin back to the house, and then a bit later, her and Hunter have a one-on-one date. During his one-on-one date, they have the most awkward "sitting in the pool" chemistry ever captured on this series. Its hilarious. He kisses her shoulder and you just start cringing because its so lame and forced. There is NO attraction there. Ali is soooo uninterested.So, she does not give Hunter the rose and sends him home.

This somehow turns into "Hunter didnt get enough time on his one-on-one with Ali, thats why he went home!"and "did Justin really walk over there to Alis house? Thats a betrayal of us! He is so two-faced! How dare he do such a thing?" Yes, Justin is kind of a tool. He was gloating about his time with Ali, sort of shoving it in their faces in an indirect and obnoxious way. BUT, Hunter went home because him and Ali had the chemistry of a brick wall. Thats IT. And seriously, if ONE more person on this series says "I dont think hes here for the right reasons" about ANY of the people there, Im going to scream. Every single season on this show, there is always someone who everyone in the house wonders if they are there "for the right reasons." Cant we AT LEAST get a NEW kind of villian? This "right reasons" crap is getting very old. So they all hate Justin, they confront him outside like little girls, call him twofaced, and make it clear that they are not his friends. Kermit the Frog Guy says some things that I cant understand, and closet gay dude John C. says some other things I cant comprehend, and everyone else joins in to say We hate you Justin, you suck. Justin is then shown in silouhette sitting outside crying. What kind of men are these? Youre crying? Over that? Gimme a break please.

A couple other small highlights during the cocktail party:

Ali and Chris L. from Cape Cod get some alone time when she pulls him aside for a bit. He uses this time to tell her that he took 2nd place in a "flip cup tournament" to which she responds "I LOVE flip cup!" He then tells the camera that Ali "totally gets me." Right. Flip cup partners for life. Deep stuff. I do like him though, he seems pretty normal.

Steve set up a lame picnic using a blanket, two votive candles, and a bottle of champagne that took him about eight months to open. After puting on his all important Chapstick, he surprised Ali with his dumb litlte makeshift picnic. I think it lasted about 5minutes, and 4 minutes of that was him trying to open the bottle. They also had no chemistry.

Harrison announces its now time for the Rose Ceremony, and Ali comes out in what looks like a freakin High School Semi Formal dress. What the hell are you wearing woman? (or was that at the cocktail party? I seriously cant remember, as if it matters.) Also, the way that Ali holds the roses drives me nuts. Is anyone else noticing this? She holds them at the very bottom wth two hands, like it takes two hands to hold a freakin rose. I have no idea why this bothers me. Also, she STILL hasnt combed her hair.

The overdramatic rose ceremony took place, and Ali decided to hold onto the Weatherman, as well as Kirk and many others. And of course, she kept Justin, and thanked him for "showing that you would do anything for this rose." BARF!

So, closeted gay dude John C. and dorky picnic guy Steve went home.

I seriously cant type one more second about this motherf**ng show right now. My cat died and I just dont care about Ali and her man posse right now. Or ever really.

But Ill be back. Sigh.

Im Going to Start Exercising so I NEVER Have to Watch a "Sex And the City" movie Again!!!

The other day; I was at my gym; doing my regular swimming routine in the pool. This routine consists of many different exercises in the water; using weights, the ladder steps, and my own body. It also involves jogging, walking, and some light swimming. I was in the middle of one of my swimming laps, when suddenly, out of the corner of my eye; I noticed an older man (probably in his 60s) who was in a wheelchair. He pulled his chair over to the edge of the pool, somehow plopped himself out of the chair and into the water; and very quickly began to swim circles around me. The man who was IN A WHEELCHAIR who has to pull his own dead leg-weight while he swims, was lapping me. And it wasnt even close. He was kicking my very fat ass. This got me to thinking ....

You would think that something like that would be an inspirational moment for me; that it would help to motivate me; right? A normal person would see that moment as a turning point and say "Wow if that guy can find the motivation, than I have no excuse!" But I am not normal. I started thinking about all the many, many excuses I come up with in my head to NOT go to the gym. I realized it is quite the impressive list of excuses. These are NOT embellished, and I HAVE used every single one of these reasons, at least in my brain, as a reason to NOT go to the gym. I dont always share them out loud because they are embarassing reasons. In no particular order; here are some of the many reasons I tell myself I cant possibly go to the gym today:



1. It's too hot outside, I dont feel like getting in the car in the heat,etc.

2. It's too cold outside, I dont feel like getting in the car in the cold, etc.

3. It's raining. Im not going out in the rain. I might die.

4. It's snowing. Again, I could die.

5. It's too nice outside. Who wants to be inside of a gym when its this nice out?

6. Theres not enough gas in the car to get there. Guess I cant go.

7. My bathing suit is still wet from last time I went.

8. There arent any clean towels. Looks like Im staying home.

9. It's a weekend day. It's going to be SO PACKED! Screw it.

10. I cant remember my locker combination.

11. I JUST went to the gym five days ago! Who am I, Jillian Michaels?

12. Its already 5pm. By the time I eat dinner, change into gym clothes, get the gym bag all packed, yadda yadda yadda ...itll be August. They close at 10pm, I have NO TIME!!!

13. I cant find my gym pants.

14. My gym pants have cat hair on them.

15. Where are my sneakers? Oh Ill never locate them in this mansion of an apartment. Forget it. Not going.

16. (to my husband) Well you need the car in 4 hours right? Ill never make it back in time.

17. I think the pool is closed today. (I have actually said this one out loud and it was a total lie. Once in awhile its true, but usually its a lie.)

18. Where the hell are those gym pants?

19. Oh, well, so and so called and I got to talking, and now I lost track of time and cant go. Oops.

20. Im already comfortable and IN for the night.


Yeah. As you can see, a simple change in the wind will cause my motivatation for exercise to disappear. There have been a thousand things that SHOULD HAVE motivated me to work out and get on track. But they dont. Something happens inside my brain and it instead becomes more important that I order french fries and chicken cutlet sandwich before the takeout place closes, or that I make sure there is soda in the house because I cant just drink water all night long. Its an addiction. I honestly THINK about food, about what Im going to eat, and I get happy and excited for it. Oprah would tell you that its NOT about the food, that its something deeper. That Im missing love in my life or something. But I dont think so. I think its about the food. I think that I love the way really good food tastes, and that, much like an alcoholic or a smoker, its very difficult for me to stop those cravings. Bottom line is that I just would MUCH rather have a steak and mashed potatoes than a boring salad and yogurt. And whenever there is a get together with friends or some sort of event where we are all gathering at a pub or bar, I dont CARE about the drinking. No. Im thinking "I hope they have potato skins there." And thats the truth. For some reason, its just way more acceptable to be someone who goes out and gets trashed on alcohol for fun; than to be someone who has trouble controlling what they eat. I dont think thats very fair, but thats another topic for another day.

I have struggled with my weight most of my life. As a kid and teenager, I didnt really have weight issues, and was at a pretty normal weight. I was also really active and involved in a lot of physical stuff back then. Now, Im involved in a lot of standing in place activities. I teach acting and comedy - I walk around a bit, or I sit and watch my students act. I am a standup comedian. I stand in place, and tell jokes. Doesnt exactly involve a lot of exercise. I do walk a lot, in NYC. I love to walk. But, I love to eat more than I love to walk. So theres that.

For the past few years, Ive been part of an online Message Board Community where we hold our own version of the Biggest Loser contests. Its a lot of fun and it actually does help to motivate you, because you dont want to let your teammates down, or not do something you said you would do. Recently, I lost a significant amount of weight, maybe around 25-30 pounds, and then managed to somehow regain most of it back again over a few months time. I wont get into all the many reasons why this happened; because they are just more excuses; but lets just say it involves my personal trainer quitting, a strange rash developing on my body that kept me from using the pool for awhile, and a lot of laziness over a short period of time. I could kill myself right now, Im so angry that I worked so hard and then screwed it all up again. Im pissed off. BUT, I have to let that go and just start over, because if I dont, I will never succeed. If I constantly hate myself for failing, than soon my Size 18 will become a Size 20 and then a 22, 24, 26, and then Size Precious (based on the novel PUSH by Sapphire.) And hey, theres nothing wrong with being Precious (based on the novel PUSH by Sapphire) if youre truly HAPPY being Precious (based on the novel PUSH by Sapphire.) She seems to be happy being that size, so good for her. I am not happy. I feel unhealthy. I feel old. I feel unattractive. I dont feel like myself. I mock myself because thats who I am, and I will always do that. Im a comedian, so I make fun of being fat. But I dont WANT to be the comic who talks about being fat. I just want to be the comic who is funny. I have to figure out how to get better at being disciplined. Lately Ive started going back to the gym again, and trying NOT to make stupid excuses not to go. Ive also started taking walks at night on my street. Im eating better; really trying to buy at least %40 organic (its so damn expensive so I do what I can) and focus on more salads and fresh vegetables. Im trying, and thats all I can do.

Recently, one of the women on the Message Boards gave me a challenge in order to help motivate me. She said that if I didnt reach my goal weight and points for the last round of Biggest Loser, that as my punishment, I would have to go to the movies, watch Sex and the City 2, and write up a review on it. This woman knows how much I loathe that show and the movies; and so she figured this would be perfect motivation for me. Well, I failed to meet my goals, so now I am forced to go watch this horrific movie and write up a review. That review will be my next blog, as I will probably see this trainwreck of a film sometime tomorrow morning. So you know what THAT means ..... I guess I wont have time to go to the gym.

Share your weight struggles with me! Id love to hear them.

THE BACHELORETTE Review "Everything Is Amaaazing!"

Holy Crap. There's 2 hours of my life I will never get back.

Talk about painful. I think I had a root canal once that was more pleasurable than watching this ridiculous trainwreck of a show. Yet, we begin ...

For those of you who have followed my AMERICAN IDOL reviews, I thank you, and I hope you will continue to read my reviews of The Bachelorette. If you are new to my reviews - Welcome - please sit back and enjoy your stay. There is a lot of bullshit to cover here.

Since we are starting with episode two of Season 6 of The Bachelorette, let me catch everyone up on the show with a little bit of history. The Bachelor / Bachelorette is a horrific, dumbass, lets all beleive in fairytales that are pre-scripted and manipulated by producers TV reality show; where one man or woman tries to find his or her true love i.e. husband / wife from a group of 25 pre-chosen borderline insane desperate morons. The 25 morons are all forced to live in a mansion together as they fight for time with the one Bachelor/Bachelorette. In the meantime, the "contestants" do not watch any TV, see no movies, read no newspapers, and are only alloted phonecalls to immediate family with permission from the producers. So, in essence, they are completely cut off from the outside world. You know - REALITY. At the same time, they do nothing but lay by the pool half naked, travel to tropical islands to go on "dates", and drink massive amounts of alcohol all day long and all night, over and over and over again. This creates a lot of unnecessary drama, fist fights, crying, backstabbing, and of course ... sexual frustration acted out in hottubs and "fantasy suites" on camera. Once these idiots get off the show and into the real world, most of the relationships usually end up falling apart in due time. There have been a few successful relationships from this shows franchise, and even one lasting marriage with children ... but generally, its become a joke how soon after the "proposal" the couple breaks it off.

Now heres what you need to know about our Bachelorette: Ali Fedotowky. Ali is from Massachusetts, likes baseball, fishing, and shes kind of a tomboy. She has issues with brushing her hair; as in; she rarely ever DOES; and sometimes she wears awful hair extensions or throws her hair up in the worst, most unkept ponytail imagineable. Ali wears yellow. All the f'ing time. She loves yellow and tells the audience this ... all the f'ing time. Sometimes she looks like Big Bird in her yellow outfits. Ali giggles a lot - at absolutely nothing. Once you start to notice this, it will drive you slowly insane. She laughs CONSTANTLY, at everything and at nothing. I guess its a nervous thing, but its incredibly annoying. Ali thinks that everything and everyone is absolutely "amazing." This is her response to everything. "Oh My god thats amazing," "Youre amazing " "Wow this view is amazing." Shes not the only one though. The men all seem to love this word too. "She looks amazing!" "I just think youre amazing!" Im going to start playing a drinking game where everytime someone uses the word amazing, I take a sip of my coffee. Yes, coffee. Seriously, I cant keep up with these lushes. Just WATCHING how much they drink makes me want to go to an AA meeting.

One last thing about Ali; she became the Bachelorette because on last seasons The Bachelor, she was falling for Jake and him for her; when suddenly she had to make a heartwrenching decision between Jake and her JOB. (which, ironically, was working for FACEBOOK!) She chose her job, and after telling Jake and then sitting in a long hallway bawling her eyes out about it, promptly left the show. America of course fell in love with her, and the show announced her as the new Bachelorette. She announced on the first episode that she will not let work get in the way of love ever again, so she quit her job for the show. GREAT. Thats intelligent. Unemployed chicks are a real turn-on.



And so here we are ....

This episode begins with douchebag Chris Harrison; who is a LOT like douchebag Ryan Seacrest by the way; summoning all the "men" into the general living area to drink orange juice and discuss the upcoming weeks dates with Ali. The men all look like utter shit during this meeting; like its 10am and they are already half cocked. Either that, or they never went to sleep.

The men are given a "datecard" that states the first one-on-one date with Ali will go to FRANK. After hearing this, the remaining men whine, drink some more beers, and head down to the gigantic pool to sit around shirtless for a few hours together.

ALI AND FRANKS DATE: Frank; or "Ole Googly Eyes" as I like to call him; and Ali, start heading out in an old convertible that apparently doesnt run very well, because minutes into their trip to Hollywood, the piece of crap dies right on the freeway. Yeah right. Like the show cant afford a car that isnt going to break down? Ali's reaction to the car dying is to giggle, while Franks reaction is ... well... nothing. He just sits there. Suddenly, they are holding hands and running from the car and down the highway to flag down a taxi. Uh - huh. This is another fantasy. I dont beleive for one second that those two wacky kids walked down the LA Freeways with thousands of cars whizzing by, without getting killed. Please. Im sure they were picked up by one of the shows limos and taken to a "cab" where they could then continue with their giggling date. Frank and Ali walked along Hollywood Blvd, and then sat underneath the Hollywood sign and giggled and kissed. Then they had a deep conversation about how BRAVE they both are for being unemployed and directionless. More giggling. The word "amazing" was used a lot. After sitting under the sign, the two crazy kids then sat on top of the car (which miraculously was fixed) where they giggled, kissed, and talked. Ali gave Frank the rose, which means he gets to stay another week and fall deeply in love with her, only so she can dump his ass after he proposes. SUCCESS!

Meanwhile, at Testosterone-Drunk-Castle; the men are chugging down beers and getting all over Justin because hes an entertainment wrestler. I dont see what the big deal is about that, who gives a crap? But as usual, this show chooses to specifically not show us certain things when it comes to WHY everyone in the house always hates one guy. This time it seems to be Justin they all despise, and I guess time will tell what the damn reason is.

Next: Ali the Whore went on a GROUP DATE with 12 guys. You heard me. TWELVE guys. Among those on the group date were Craig M, Chris N, Tyler V, Hunter, Steve ... and... oh who gives a shit? At this point, there are still 17 men hangin all over this girl, and they all look and act the same to me.

The group date consisted of going to Malibu and doing a photo shoot on the beach. Ali and her posse of manwhores seemed to walk about 2miles along the beach to reach their destination; and poor Justin; who is on crutches due to an injury; was trying really hard to keep up. Ali kept saying "How ya doin baack there Justin?" and then just leaving him behind like trash. What a bitch. Help the dude out. Or, heres a better idea: dont make the dude who is on CRUTCHES and cant walk , walk miles in the f'ing sand! Why not give him one of the one-on-one dates and take the guy to a movie and a nice dinner? Sigh. Ali then made a point of telling the guys that this photo shoot was "for a great cause;" but we never did find out what the great cause was. Just know its a really good cause. The men had to put on the most ridiculous looking bathing suits, speedos, and outfits Ive ever seen, and pose for what was perhaps the gayest photo shoot in the history of photo shoots. Not only were they dressed in these hideous speedos, but they were making comments to each other like "Dude, theres a lot of extra room in that speedo, dude!" Um, really? Are you here to find a wife or to look at some guys package on a beach? These idiotic photos were turned into some sort of SexyMan Calendar ... for a "good cause."

Holy Hell, are we done with this yet? I cannot believe how long this episode was, and also cannot believe that ALL the Bachelorette episodes are two hours. The nerve of these people!!! The only good news is that each week, there will be less and less annoying manwhores to write about. Whew! Im exhausted and feel like Ive lost a couple million brain cells watching this crap.

But I digress....

Let me summarize the next few things that happened, because they were kind of a snoozefest:

Some loser named TY strummed a guitar and sang a stupid song to Ali on the beach. She swooned, called him amazing. Then "The Weatherman" i.e. Jonathan, got a few minutes alone with Ali; and he used that time to say the following: "I look at you sometimes and Im like ....oooh....woooh...whoah!.... not even .... I mean ..... that just doesnt .....happen to me......." Right. Way to use your time dork.
Back at the Drunk Castle filled with Boys in mens bodies; Craig M. drank beer while putting on The Weathermans jacket and modeling it. This infuriated The Weatherman for some reason, who whined, "Thats my jacket, take off my jacket!!!" The Weatherman also made it a point to tell the camera and tv audience many many times that he "doesnt wanna fight" but that he "knows karate" but "really doesnt want to fight." Craig M. continued to rile him up by calling him "Weatherman." Seriously -- are these men for real? I mean --- REALLY???

Some boring ass named Jesse got the second one-on-one date with Ali, and again, the other men whined and complained, then went off to drink more alcohol and lie around shirtless.

JESSE AND ALI'S DATE: Ali takes Jesse on a private jet ride to Vegas. He is "stoked" and says so several times; she thinks he is "super good looking" and says so several times. Clearly their relationship is deep. When the jet lands, there is a Red Ferrari waiting for them. Oh good, another car that might breakdown. This one seems to run okay, and they take off in it to go and sit by a pool and eat oysters. Ali tells the tv audience again that Jesse is super hot and good looking. Later on, the two brainless twits have dinner in some sort of suite private restaurant with the best view of Vegas ever. At dinner, Ali tells brainless that he is a "solid guy" and gives him the rose. Wow a solid guy. Thats love. In return, brainless tells the studio audience how hes never put on a suit before (really?), and that this is the BEST date hes ever had. Is it? Because you look about as excited as a stonewall. Ali informs brainless that she feels "closer to him than ever before." Um, WHY? You talked about NOTHING!!! I havent seen dinner conversation that awkward since Hitler broke bread with the Steinways. Then, to end the magical evening, some musician named James Cullum, who apparently we are supposed to know or give a shit about, performed live for them as they danced in the moonlight. YAWN.

Then it was time for the weekly "Cocktail Hour" - which is basically just MORE drinking, and a chance for the Bachelorette to talk one on one with any guys she is still unsure about, or guys she didnt get a chance to spend time with on dates. During this time; Ali first spoke with Chris L. from Cape Cod. He seems pretty normal to me, and like a pretty decent guy. Next: Ali and Roberto played a game of catch and talked a bit of baseball, and then she told him yet again how SUPER GOOD LOOKING he is. Then she giggled. After that, Ali and Casey talked about something; except I had no clue what it was because I couldnt stop laughing at Caseys Kermit the Frog voice. WHAT THE F**K? Finally; Ali and Frank shared another kiss after missing one another, and the other boys got all jealous and perterbed.

Then this whole dumb thing happened that was extremly high-school and just STUPID; where The Weatherman told Ali in private that he didnt trust Craig M, and that Craig M is "dangerous." Then Ali talked with Craig herself, and asked him a bunch of questions that were apparently too difficult for him to reply to, because he just mumbled things that were supposed to be words but made no sense. Then Craig called a meeting in the Drunk Castle. He wanted to know who told Ali that he was dangerous. Noone budged, but all knew the Weatherman was the culprit. I dont know. To me, they are both losers. Craig is an a-hole, and Weatherman is just a big ole dork. They both suck.

FINALLY, it was time for the Rose Ceremony, where Ali had to choose 2 men to go home.

She chose Tyler V. (I already forgot who he is) and Craig the Ass.

I really hope this gets better. The emotional trainwreck possibilities are simply endless, but right now theres just too many damn annoying men to keep track of.

Your thoughts?

AMERICAN IDOL FINALE (Part 2) -Goodbye Simon, Hello Paint Salesman

So this is the end folks. The end of the Idol season, the end of Simon's Idol career, and the end of a local paint salesman ...selling paint. Now Lee Dwyze will instead be selling his mediocre albums, as your NEW AMERICAN IDOL!!! Thats right everyone. Lee won the show, and I dont know about you all, but I certainly was not surprised. America enjoys a good Nilla Wafer. Im going to repost a good friends status message from the day after the finale, because I thought it was brilliant and summed up the way that people seem to vote for their American Idol:

Marina K. - thinks AMERICAN IDOL should be re-named "PICK THE WHITE GUY WHO CAN SING GOOD AT YOUR COUSIN'S PIZZA HUT."

And thats pretty much it right there, isnt it? Here we had a clear choice between an okay singer who sounds like about 900 other okay singers, and a girl who is unbelievably gifted as a musician and songwriter even. America went with the safe choice. Because he sells paint, and apparently that is an attractive "All American" quality for some reason. If it wasnt, the show wouldnt have mentioned it every 5 seconds of every episode. Because if I have to hear about what a NICE guy Lee is one more time, I might commit a senseless murder. Crystal is JUST AS NICE of a person as he is, and has shown that on many occasions during the shows run. And anyway, who cares? Its a singing contest, isnt it? Well no, its really not. Its a "who do we want to have a beer with the most" contest. Just like the Presidential Elections. This is our country folks. This is just how we vote. Sometimes its the right choice, sometimes not. Most times we get it wrong. In this case, it doesnt really matter, as Crystals talent will be picked up by someone out there immediately. Her phone is probably already ringing off the hook ...

Before Lee won the title, however, a whole lot of other stuff happened in this 2-hour jam packed Finale. Most of it was fantastic; some of it strange; and even more of it just downright awkward.

Lets start where we always start - at the beginning:

The show began with a pretty kick-ass, although somewhat baffling, opening number of Alice Cooper's SCHOOLS OUT; featuring the Top 10 Idols with Alice Cooper himself. The gang was all dressed up in school uniforms, complete with creepy face makeup. The performance was great. The reason I call it baffling is because I find it odd that Idol would choose an Alice Cooper song as the opening number on a show that is mostly watched by young people. In fact, most of the performers on the shows Finale; although impressive big names; were of the "older pursuasion" shall we say. As in, most younger people who watch the show dont know who the hell Alice Cooper or Joe Cocker or Chicago or Hall and Oates or Michael McDonald ARE. So, either American Idol is not capable of getting big CURRENT names for the finale, (which I find hard to believe considering all the huge names they always seem to get) or they are purposely directing the show at the cougars, housewives, and the adult SECRET male audience. (you know you are out there and you know who you are. All you adult men out there who watch the show but claim its because your wife MAKES you, or you watch the show but forget to mention it to your coworkers the next morning. We know who you are. Give it up.)

American Idol loves to open their results shows with a cheesy, Brady Bunch variety show style group number; and the finale was no different. If you looked closely in the SCHOOLS OUT number though, you could see that The Child looked as if A. he didnt know the words to the song AT ALL and B. he was half asleep. He really did look tired. Schools NOT out for him, after all, and it WAS a school night.

Next up was last years "boring white guy" Idol winner; Kris Allen; with his new song entitled .... seriously, does anyone give a shit about this guys new album? I know I dont. Who cares what the songs called really. This performance would have been completely not worth mentioning, other than the fact that there was some sort of sound glitch when Kris started to sing; and you could clearly hear douchebag Seacrest in the background - talking. He didnt say anything of importance, as usual, but I was REALLY hoping he would have chosen that moment to scream out something horribly embarassing, like "I LOVE LITTLE BOYS!" But, no such luck. Instead, we just had to watch boring Kris sing. Zzzzz.....

Throughout the night, we were reminded that Simon Cowell was leaving the show with a series of tribute montages, and a few other surprises. The first of these montages was very cute and funny, and basically showed some of Simons best "insults" and comments to past contestants. I am a big ole sap for Simon myself; and my love for him is as strong as my hatred for Seacrest. So the montages and Simon moments during the Finale got me a little bit emotional. I really hate to see him go. To me, the end of Simon is the end of Idol. Thats not to say I wont continue watching the show. We will see. But the show will not be the same without him. It will absolutely lose something of huge significance. It doesnt exactly help the show that their "something of significance" will be moving onto his OWN show; fully produced and owned by him; and on the same FOX network, most likely in direct competition with Idol. This should be interesting. Or not.

Up next was a Bee-Gees medley duet by The Child and The Psychotic Evil Screamer (Siobhan). Surprisingly, they had pretty good harmony together. Once I stopped being creeped out by how The Child closes his eyes the entire time hes singing; or how Creepy Screamer Girl hisses her notes out while showing her long sharp fang teeth; I sort of enjoyed their little creepfest number. Then out came the Bee-Gees to join them, and the one dude looked like he had been living on bread and water as a hostage somewhere for the past 10 years. Holy Christ man, eat a sandwich or seven, would ya?

This became the pattern for the Finale. First, the Idol contestant of choice would come out to the stage and begin singing someones song ... and then, somewhere around the 2nd verse, that person would suddenly appear out of a puff of smoke and finish the song with them. It was kind of cool trying to guess who would come out from behind the curtain. I was having fun with it. In todays world of INSTANT technology and gratification, Idol usually does a pretty good job of keeping it secret as to who will be on the Finale. And they also usually get some pretty darn good acts. Theyre not foolin around.

So the next combo was Michael Lynch with Michael McDonald. Okay, so theyre not ALL winners. The pair sang the hit TAKIN IT TO THE STREETS. Now, you know you are getting old and perhaps losing your once unique singing sound when the Idol contestant singing with you kind of kicks your ass vocally. Michael LYNCH was better than Michael MCDONALD on this one. McDonald still had his stuff - but it sounded like his stuff had been trampled on by a herd of very mean elephants. Oh, and also - he looked like a human Papa Smurf.

Then came the lame comedy routine; and by that; I mean Dane Cook. Now personally; Ive never been a fan of Dane Cook; so when he kind of bombed live on the American Idol finale; I must admit I smiled inside. Okay, I smiled outside too. It wasnt ALL his fault though. He started out doing a pretty lame song / guitar number all about Simon, and the mean things Simon has said to some of the less talented hopefuls during early auditions. Then, they made the mistake of bringing those freaks onto the stage with Cook. At this point, it all went haywire and one of the freaks grabbed the microphone and started yelling all kinds of crap about how HE would take over for Simon when hes gone, and how this is all Bullshit, yadda yadda yadda. American Idol quickly and in the most non-subtle way possible, CUT away from Cook in the middle of his song and went to commercial. They should have let that play out and let the freak make a fool of himself, I think. Hell, Dane Cook is a comic, and he should have been able to handle that loser. Just another heckler in his eyes. Cook later commented on his twitter page that he was upset to be cut off during his song like that. I dont blame him really. What was Idol thinking bringing those freaks up there onstage? They are FREAKS!!! The whole reason they auditioned for the show in the first place was to get ATTENTION and be on tv. They are attention-tv-whores. Didnt you think they would pull something like that? So really, thats what you get for allowing people like that up on your stage during a live show. Havent you learned anything from the streakers at the Oscars? Dumbasses.

After that trainwreck was finally over, two really great performances happened back to back. First up were the Top 5 girls who sang Christina Aguilera's BEAUTIFUL; ending with Christina herself; who then did another solo number alone. She looked like a human lampshade, but her voice sounded incredible.

The Top 5 men performed some Hall and Oates; and then Hall and Oates did what seemed like a mini-concert of some of their biggest hits. I found it hilarious that while Hall was up on a higher stage platform, pointless and insignificant Oates was standing lower and looked like a small boy singing with his daddy.

Next came one of my favorite moments of the evening; Crystal Bowersox singing Alanis Morisettes IRONIC; followed by a duet between the two of YOU OUGHTTA KNOW (lyrics severely edited on that one.) It was a joy watching these two huge talents perform together, and you could see the admiration Crystal has for Alanis in her eyes while doing so. It was fantastic.

Another highly memorable moment was when Casey James started to sing Poisons EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN (and he sang it VERY well. Why couldnt he sing this well during the actual competition?) and then ... no way ... it cant be ... its not possible .... yup, it is... here comes Brett Michaels to join him!!! Brett Michaels! The man who was pretty much on his death bed just a week before. The man who had a brain hemorhage and suffers diabetes. I will admit it - I like this guy. How you CANT like him is beyond me. He just seems so damn nice. And although he doesnt work in a paintstore like Lee, he just seems like the most laid back, fun person to hang with. That was a cool duet. They sounded great.

Lee Dwyze singing with Chicago, on the other hand, was a bit awkward. First of all, its not even really Chicago anymore, its half of Chicago and some random dude. Secondly, Chicago was famous for their harmonies. Where was the harmony? There wasnt any. Lee sounded okay, but strained and a bit OFF as per usual; but the whole thing just seemed a tad unbalanced and "pitchy dude." It was one of those performances that I WISH was better than it actually was. But still ...its Chicago, and thats cool.

NOW WE COME TO THE "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU PEOPLE THINKING WITH THIS SH*T?" PORTION OF THE SHOW:

Part One of the Shit Show was a bizarre performance of the hilariously made famous "Pants on the Ground" song. Now, I did expect that they would bring this dude out and have him sing his song, because the song IS funny as hell and thats what Idol always does when something becomes big during auditions. And it started out amusing with Larry Platt, the originator of the song, simply singing it. Then it got weird. Suddenly it was a broadway show on crack with several "Pants on the Ground Dancers!!!" coming out with loose pants dancing in a circle around Platt as he sang a strange, sort of hip hop version of the tune. And THEN, that friggin HACK William Hung was dragged out to sing it with him. Why, I have no idea. What does he have to do with anything? He got his 15 seconds of fame during HIS season, when HE had HIS bad audition and then was carted out to sing badly all over again. Why is he back and why doe he keep coming back? Go away already. Youre not funny, and youre annoying. This whole thing felt like a bad acid trip.

And speaking of bad acid trips, lets talk about the return of Paula Abdul. Yes, this was Part Two of the Shit Show. Abdul made her "surprise" visit when the curtain opened and there she stood in a ridiculous looking bright pink Bjork-like dress. She looked like the dancer that sits atop of a jewelry box. Paula showed up to give her heartfelt goodbyes to Simon; in what can only be described as the psychotic rantings of an escaped lunatic who took 12 too many Vicotin. Apparently, Paula was under the impression that she was asked there as a stand-up comedian, because she couldnt stop telling horrible lame jokes. That was bad enough. Then, she just woudlnt shut up. She kept talking ...and talking... and talking .... she was yammering on and on about God knows what, and she sounded like she was in a drunken, pill induced haze. Basically, it was a typical Paula Abdul appearance.


Once the trainwreck named Paula finally shut up, the show really went all out in tributing Simon by bringing out every single past Idol Winner (only David Cook was missing due to a previous charity engagement), along with a LOT of past Idol contestants from every single season. They all gathered on the stage and sang to Simon "Look Whats Become of Us" or some cheesy title. I gotta say, this was sweet. I started thinking back to all the different seasons of this show, and all the winners and non-winners, and looking at Kelly Clarkson; the first American Idol Winner; and I started to remember how unique of a concept this show was when it first started, how exciting. It was really neat to see all those people that have a career now because of Simon Cowell - honoring him in that way together. He was very moved himself, and you could tell that when he was called onto the stage and gave a little farewell speech, thanking everyone and pointing out that the audience are the REAL judges of the show; therefore the show will go on and prosper. True, I suppose, but Simon is the soul of the show. Honeslty, all the other judges are just filter. People care what Simon says about them.


The show started to wrap up with a performance by Michael Jackson, who apparently came back from the dead for this wonderful opportunity. Oh ... Im sorry ... whats that? Youre saying that wasnt Michael Jackson, it was JANET Jackson? Oh , I see. Because I saw Michael Jackson up there. I saw a dude with no hair and MICHAEL JACKSONS VOICE!!! (creeeepy!), singing exactly like Michael Jackson, note for note. So, what I got out of this is that Janet Jackson has chosen to deal with her brothers death, by becoming him. Creepiest performance ever. Thank God she went on to sing NASTY, because in that song she sounded like herself and it was back to normal again. Well, normal for a Jackson. What a creepfest family they are. In all seriousness though, It was good to see her performing again. As her brother Michael.


The last performance of the night before announcing the new Idol, was of course between the two finalists, Lee and Crystal. They began singing A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS together, which really did kick some serious ass. The two of them sound awfully good together. Eventually, they were joined by Joe Cocker, who resembled a white Fred Sanford of "Sanford and Son"; and although he really had to push it out of himself, that voice was still there. Sort of. Honestly, I was afraid he might drop of heart failure right there onstage, his veins were popping out so much. Talk about a finale.

Well guys, thats the show. Oh ........ right ....... and Lee is your American Idol. Did I forget to mention that? I guess thats important to say in a blog about the finale, right? Yeah, so Lee won. Obviously. DUH. Like anyone thought he wouldnt. I mean cmon now, the man sells paint in a paintstore. Hes practically an American Hero! They should name a holiday after him for Christs Sakes.

I will admit to being happy for him though. In that moment, when that confetti is flying everywhere all over the stage and you cant see a thing, and everyones hugging and crying and whoever wins cant get a note out of their new song because they are too overly emotional --- its a happy moment. Thrilling, even. And I felt badly for him, because he looked like he might literally pass out, before the winner was even announced. So, good for him. Whatever. I predict a mediocre career for him, but I could be wrong. I guess we will find out soon.

So thats it guys. For now. Thats your season. Thank you to everyone who has read and commented on my Idol blogs. They have been fun to write, and Ill continue to write them, If I continue to watch the show, which, lets face it, I probably will.

In the meantime, Ill be starting a blog on The Bachelorette which is on Monday nights. If youd like me to tag you on it, let me know, I figure it should be a perfect show to mock and could make some hilarious blog entries. You can also read all my Idol blogs, plus other comedy blogs, at my blogpage which is appropriately titled: http://ihateseacrest.blogspot.com/

Id like to end this blog with my TOP TEN personal favorite Simon comments over the years. I found these by looking online and watching some old clips of episodes. They made me laugh all over again. So goodbye for now Simon. These are for you:

10. "You came across as a background singer for a background singer."


9. "I’m tempted to ask if you sang that the night before your wife left you."


8. "You have the personality of a handle.”


7. "If you had lived 2,000 years ago and sung like that, I think they would have stoned you."


6. “You take singing lessons? Do you have a lawyer? Get a lawyer and sue your teacher.”


5. “You sound like a cat in a vacuum cleaner. Dreadful.”


4. “It was almost like you were giving birth there at the end.”


3. (when contestant continues to sing ballod) "I DONT want to hear a ballod!" (contestant starts singing another slow song) "Holy hell! Ill tell you what ...buy a dictionary, and look up 'ballod.' It says 'slow.' "

2. "Lets come back to Planet Earth for a moment ...I think youve just invented a new form of torture."




and this is why I love and respect him so much, because I believe the same thing that he says here:

1. “I haven’t done anything particularly harsh. Harshness to me is giving somebody false hopes and not following through. That’s harsh. Telling some guy or girl who’s got zero talent that they have zero talent actually is a kindness.”



P.S. Was Randy even THERE during the finale? I challenge you to find ONE thing that he did or said.

PIE

Im not really going to talk about pie. I only said that to entice readers to click onto this. Because pie is very enticing, dont you think? Especially chocolate cream pie. Or maybe apple. Or banana cream. Or whatever the fuck kind of pie you happen to enjoy. Okay, so I AM talking about pie, but now im finished talking about pie.

Except let me just say that rhubarb pie is gross, and "mincemeat" pie is the nastiest thing I have ever heard of. Who the fuck grinds up meat and calls it pie? Thats not fucking pie, its sloppy joe with some whipped cream. And then they stick goddamn raisins all over that bullshit too. OOh I just thought of another one... peanut butter pie. Thats good stuff. Okay, enough about pie. Really. I will now stop discussing it. After all, the subjectline of "pie" was supposed to be a lie and not the truth. But because pie is so good that its evil, I cant seem to stop talking about it.

Key-Lime pie. Now thats one I dont understand. Whats KEY?? Is that a type of lime? Explain. Blueberry pie you should only eat in private because noone wants to look at your whole fuckin mouth turn blue and gooey, blue teeth, lips, the whole thing. Eww. its just gross. I dont need to see that. Really. Get it away from me. Apple pie is quite delicious, but it looks nasty whenever there are any leftovers on someones plate. Looks like someone got incredibly ill all over the table. Just a big brown mess. Yuck. One time I went to someones house for Christmas Eve, and they made a Jello pie. Now thats just white trash right there. Jello pie? Its sort of like the Jello MOLD, but its pie. Not only is it incredibly disgusting, but Jello shouldnt have pie crust wrapped around it, its just weird. It also shouldnt have floating banana slices all up inside of it, looking like they are trapped in there and cant get out. Looks like they are drowning in a pool of Jello and they just sit in there and suffocate until they die. Bananas should not float in Jello. They should be set free to be eaten in the Fruedian way that they were intended.

Now that youve read this, click on the little button or whatever in the right corner of the blogpage that says Subscribe to/follow this blog... because I highly doubt you want to miss other riveting creative tales dealing with things like pie.

Mmmmmm, Pie.