AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW -The "Lets Lube Up and Have a Foursome With Lee" Episode

You heard me. This week is the TOP 3 Battle for the Finale, and within seconds of this episode's beginning, its obvious who the judges heavy favorite is. Do I even need to say it? Lee Dwyze. But more on that later. First, there are other pressing things to discuss, like Seacrest's gay entrance.

Down the stairs he tumbled; until his orange, tan-in-a-bottle skin smeared all along each step of the stage .... Oh, wait. That was a dream I had. The reality was more like this:

Seacrest: (as he walked down each step overdramatically, and stood next to each contestant, announcing their hometown and state) "Elliston, Ohio. Mount Prospect, Illinois. Cool, Texas ...and, Douchebag, Seacrest! This is the fight for me to get even more attention where its not deserved ...and THIS ........................................ is AMERICAN IDOL!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So after Ryan made it down the steps successfully (DAMN YOU, SEACREST!), he went on to introduce the judges: Randy "I wear retarded ugly diamond shaped sweaters to distract you from the fact that I'm not relevant" Jackson, Ellen "I look like a little boy in this striped blue shirt and lameass collar, and my orange foundation is caked on my face and is about to fall off on HD TV" DeGenerous, Kara "noone knew who the F*k I was until I was on this show" DiGuardi, and Simon "I'm the only Judge with any sort of purpose and whose opinion matters, so I'm leaving the show" Cowell.

Next, the Final 3 Contestants were brought out, at which point Seacrest asked the audience who their favorite was, and massive screams of LEE!!!! WE LOVE YOU LEEE!!!! LEEEE!!!! OMG LEE!!! PUT YOUR PENIS IN MY VAGINA LEE!!!! came from the audience. Gee, I wonder who the favorite is.

Casey, Crystal, and Lee got to sing two songs each; one chosen by them, and one chosen FOR them by the judges. They do this every year on Idol with the top three, and each time they do it, you can always tell who the judges want to win the title of American Idol by the song choices they make for each contestant. You can also usually tell how badly the contestants want or dont want the same title, based on their song selections. If you are in the Top 3 of American Idol and you STILL dont know how to pick a damn song that makes you stand out, is somehow relevant, and markets you as a future star ...well...youre kind of a moron. Which brings me to Casey, who is up first:



ROUND ONE / CONTESTANT'S CHOICE:


CASEY JAMES: "Okay, Its Alright With Me" by Eric Hutchison.

Okay, youre going home because you just picked the lamest, most boring, unforgettable, pointless, generic song on the planet to sing. This song did absolutely nothing, NOTHING, for Casey's talent or voice. I mean, really Casey? Seriously? THIS is what you are going with to show yourself for perhaps the final time ever? This is the TOP THREE!!! This is to get into the FINAL! And you go with a song that sounds exactly like about 1,000 other songs on earth, and that I have heard in a dentist office while half-numbed on novicaine? I just have nothing to say here, because it was such a nothing song. But as usual, your hair was flowing and beautiful, like a horses mane. Or a unicorn. And thats Alright With Me.




CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: "Come To My Window" by Melissa Ethridge.

Okay, sure, maybe this song was a tad bit "obvious" of a choice for her, and she can probably sing it in her sleep. And maybe she should have gone with something a bit more risky or unpredicted. That being said - I loved hearing Crystal rock out some Melissa, this is what she LOVES to sing, the harmonica was great, loved her vocals and rhythms, and she played it up well. On a scale of 1 to 10, it was about a 6.5. But in comparison to Casey's borefest, it was an eleven.



LEE DYWZE: "Simple Man" by Leonard Skynard.

First off, if ever there was a song title that perfectly described the person singing the song, it is this. A simple man he is. And a stoned one too. As far as the song choice and performance, A Simple Man was .... well.... simple. I still say he has pitch issues; and that although he is definately talented, he is nowhere NEAR the level of talent as Crystal; who is a multi-faceted woman who can sing any genre, style, or song and do it with killer vocals in addition to playing piano, guitar, harmonica and who knows what else .... But really, lets be honest here. Does it even matter? Between everyone screaming his name in every episode, him never being in the bottom two, and the judges obvious favoritism toward him; he is CLEARLY going to be the winner here. Lee could get on the stage and FART an entire song, and the judges would all proclaim how brilliant it was. This song, for example, was a good solid choice. But "Brilliant" Randy? Really? No. Not brilliant. "You crushed the other contestants!" Really? Im sorry, but thats just not true. Casey crushed himself, and Crystal has never been crushed by Lee. Its just not the case. Lee's performance and song choice was good. A tiny bit above average. That is all.

Lee's Inner Monologue As the Judges Spoke: "Duuuuuuude.... Im sooooo stoned right now ....but Im totally gonna WIN this thing dude..... they looove me dude... Im so stoked dude! Dude...."






ROUND TWO/ JUDGE'S CHOICE:

CASEY JAMES: Kara and Randy chose "Daughters" by John Meyer.

Sigh. Okay. This is a perfectly lovely and sweet song. Its very pretty. But risky? No. Memorable? No. Will it make him stand out? No. Am I answering all my own questions like Kara does? Yes. It is SO OBVIOUS by this song choice who the judges want voted off the show, and let me give you a hint: his hair glistens in the stagelights and his name rhymes with LACEY. Here's another hint: its not Crystal or Lee. The judges JUST spent five minutes grilling Casey about how generic and forgettable his last song choice was, and then they go and give him a song thats GENERIC AND FORGETFUL! More importantly, when Casey sang this song, he sounded exactly like John Meyer. It was like American Idol got Meyer to come and perform on the Idol stage without paying a cent! Casey stripped himself completely away from that song, and did a very good impression of Meyers distinctive voice. The guitar was sweet. The hair was perfection. But bye bye Casey - Im sorry to say - you are NOT the Biggest Loser - oh sorry - wrong manipulative reality show. Ahem. You are not the American Idol. Lets take a sad look back at all your memorable moments on the show while we make you sing the very song that got you kicked off.

Kelley's Song Choice for Casey:
"Rockin Horse" by The Allman Brothers. Or "Im In You" by Peter Frampton. Actually, this was my husbands choice from day one for Casey, and I totally agree. He has a very Frampton vibe. My husband said, and I quote:"If Casey got up there with that hair and that guitar and started singing Frampton's "Im In You", every girl watching would be all wet." My response: Ewwww. But he's right.




CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Ellen chose "Maybe Im Amazed" by Paul McCartney.

The absolute perfect choice for Crystal. Its not something youd ever expect her to sing or choose on her own, its definately risky in the sense that she was challenged vocally AND didnt use an instrument, and it was a big contrast to her first song performance. And wow, did this song ever show off her vocal range even more than before. Excellent choice by Ellen. One of my favorite Crystal performances. I actually watched her sing it 3x in a row, because after the first time, I wanted to hear it again, but louder. Then while I was playing it the second time, my husband walked in and said "She sounds incredible, you gotta rewind that and let me hear it." So yeah. Maybe Im Amazed at how freakin talented this girl is. See? See what I did there? See how I took the title of the song and then made a silly pun about Crystal? I suck.

Kelley's Song Choice for Crystal: Well, I LOVED Ellen's choice, so Id probably still go with that, but some other ones my husband and I came up with that we would LOVE to hear her sing include: "Black Velvet" by Alanna Myles, "Piano in the Dark" by Brenda Russell, "Change of Heart" by Cyndi Lauper, and "Jazz Man" by Carole King.



LEE DYWZE: Simon chose "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen.

Oh, where do I even begin with this one. There are soooo many things to address here. Let's start with the fact that this song has been sung on Idol probably, oh, 754 times. Yeah, lets go with that. Maybe even 46 times this season alone. But Simon proclaimed that we had never heard it the way that Lee was giong to sing it. Okay. Whatever.

Now lets talk about my title for this blog. The judges basically sat there throughout this entire hour and stuffed their heads up Lee's stoned ass, and that treatment was made perfectly clear with this last performance. Once again, it was a good, solid performance. A GOOD performance. Maybe slightly better than good, perhaps somewhere between good and kind of great. But thats as far as Ill go, and Im really being generous here. It did not give me chills like Crystals song did. I watched it. It was pleasant, nice, then it was over. And then I heard the thunderous, boisterious applause and the standing ovations and the massive overreaction from EVERYONE and just thought to myself, "Huh? Did I just miss something here? Did this guy just get up there and cure cancer? Did he give his kidney to an audience member, or his heart to Simon? Whats going on here?" So I rewound and watched it again, because I beleive in giving people second chances and not judging too soon. The second time I watched it, I had the same reaction that it was a good to maybe great performance, but I also starting noticing all of the MANY MANY MANY manipulative ways in which the judges and the show tried to shove Lee down our collective throats, practically SCREAMING at us to VOTE HIM INTO THE FINAL and make him win this show!!!! So in case you didnt get the message America, here is how American Idol commanded you to vote for Lee and told us he should be the winner:

1. They gave him the LAST spot on the show, the final performer, the one that everbody is supposed to remember when they vote.
2. They chose a song titled HALLELUJAH for him to sing, which is a beautiful but non risky song thats been sung several thousand times before on the show, and also a song that they KNOW middle America will eat up and vote for.
3. They gave him the "choir" performance. You know, the emotional, open the curtain cuz here comes the Choir!!! song performance that automatically adds depth vocally , visually, and emotionally to any song. It basically screams THIS IS THE SONG WE WANT YOU TO REMEMBER TONIGHT!!! , even if its not the best one. Honestly, they should have just put Lee up on a cross and proclaimed him as Jesus, because it seemed like thats what they were going for here.
4. SIMON chose his song. Everyone knows Simon is the most important judge on the show, and he usually gets to choose the song for HIS favorite contestant, or the one that they all want to make sure gets to the final two and hopefully wins. Lee is Simon's baby. He has claimed him.
5. They keep mentioning over and over that Lee was just a simple guy workin in a Paint Shop, etc. They are trying so hard to create this whole image of the workin man, simple guy, All American dude, etc. Seriously, we get it. Enough already.
6. The fact that they ALL jumped all over themselves to compliment him up and down on BOTH songs, and none of them disagreed at all. Really? They all thought he was the clear winner tonight? And none of you have any sort of different opinion on this? Hmmm, interesting.
7. All of the many "this is your night, this is your moment" type comments. Why is it HIS night? Isnt it all of their nights? And before Lee even sang the damn song, Simon was pushing it on the audience as his MOMENT on the show. Yes, his pre-determined moment complete with choir and a baffling amount of screaming applause.

Here are some of the judges comments after Lees final performances:

Randy: "Your biggest moment!!!"
Ellen: "Stunning!!!"
Kara: "You owned the entire night!!!!"
Simon: "Youre a great person! This is your night and your moment!"

Youre a great person? Whats that supposed to mean? Are Casey and Crystal child molestors now? Its getting a bit out of control. So, judges ....... please lube up and get that foursome going with Lee. Thats right. Just gently insert your heads directly into his ass. Brilliant. No, no, Seacrest ...you are not invited to this orgy. Youre just the host. So stand there and give your arrogant commentary.

My husbands Song Choice for Lee: (I didnt have one because I was too stunned at all the hoopla surrounding him that I coudlnt think of anything) "Photographs and Memories" by Jim Croce.


Meanwhile, at THE CHILDS house:

Mommy: Cmon child, its almost 9pm, time for beddy-bye!
Child: Nooooo mom!!! I wanna stay up and watch the rest of Idollllll!!!!
Mommy: Child, you know its way past your bedtime. Go on now and get into your feety pajamas and mommy will read you a story.
Child: Okay mommy. Youre the best mommy EVER!

Kelley's Song Choices for THE CHILD: One,Two,Buckle My Shoe
Hush Little Baby
Im a Little Teapot
Theres a Hole in My Bucket
On Top of Spaghetti

In conclusion: Congratulations Lee Dywze, Youre the Next AMERICAN IDOL!

And hey, thats okay with me I guess, because Crystal will probably be even MORE of a hit if she doesnt win the show but is the runner-up.

The real question is this: whatever am I going to mock and write about once this show is over? I feel empty inside.

American Idol Review - The "Paul McCartney Still Wont come on our Show" Episode

This week, the Idol contestants took on "Lennon/McCartney" songs. Again. I say that because this is about the 4th time, at least, in Idol history that they have done Lennon/McCartney or Beatles songs. Normally, the contestants sing "songs of Barry Manilow", for example, and lo and behold, Manilow shows up as that week's mentor for the kiddies. That is the protocol, and Idol has had some pretty legendary and/or big name mentors come on the show in the past; including Billy Joel, Elton John, Dolly Parton, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Neil Diamond, Smokey Robinson, Burt Bacharach, Stevie Wonder ...hell, even Quention Terantino was a mentor one week; which was just ... well... odd. But back to the point. Which is this. Every single time the Idol contestants take on Beatles songs, McCartney is nowhere to be found on the show. Lennon is dead, so he gets a free pass for not showing up. Same with George Harrison. Ringo and Paul, however, have yet to grace the Idol stage; yet the show continues to honor McCartney time and time again by covering (or in most cases, butchering) his songs. Last nights show was an improvement in the right direction, however, when they showed a short McCartney video where he wished the kiddies good luck on their performances. Hey, its a start. I guess Paul is very busy getting robbed by one-legged models and dead-too-early used-to-be-black white guys. What he SHOULD have said in that video was something along the lines of "HA! Im Paul f'ing McCartney goddamit! I dont have the time or interest to come on your gay little candy-ass talent show!" I have heard, however, that Yoko Ono is available, but Idol is not interested. (I have no facts to back that statement up, but Im just assuming its true.)

Okay. So we begin this weeks episode with Seacrest standing in the control room, and he actually says the following statement:

Seacrest: "Here I am inside the central nervous system of the show."

Really? The central nervous system??? What is this, NASA? No. Its not. So relax Ryan ... calm yourself down... take it down a notch. Its going to be okay. Every second of your time on the show doesnt HAVE to be overdramatic, or you trying to make the moment much more important than it really is. Sigh.
Okay, so then, after that happened, the judges were introduced and entered as if they were a gang coming at us, like in Michael Jacksons BEAT IT video. This was followed by stupid Seacrest walking dramatically down the giant staircase. Just once, ONCE!!!!, can Seacrest please fall down that staircase? Thats really all I ask for my personal entertainment. I dont think its too big of a dream.

Let the butchering of Beatles-music begin. (Surprisingly, it actually wasn't too bad.)


AARON KELLY: aka "The Child." The child went first tonight so that he could have his warm glass of milk and get to bed early, before his curfew. And of course, he HAD to perform one of my alltime favorite Beatles songs, The Long and Winding Road. And it was, at best, mediocre. What a bore this kid is, honestly. Even more annoying, he got the lyrics wrong twice. One time he sang "many times ago" as a lyric. Many times ago?? That doesnt even make sense idiot. I think you need some sleep. Go lie down for awhile in your Star Wars bunk bed and maybe you wont get voted off tonight. Ick.

KATIE BORING STEVENS: Thats actually her middle name. Boring. First of all, she looked like a giant bottle of Pepto-Bismol in that pink dress. Secondly, the fact that she has a very nice sounding voice and sings well really doesnt matter much, because there are about 400,000 people out there exactly like her, with the exact same pleasant sounding voice and yawn-like performances. So yes, she sang Let It Be very nicely .... but its kind of meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

Seacrest STUPID COMMENT to Katie: "Wow you have really grown physically since last week." Ummm, what? Is he eying the contestants puberty now? Creepy.



LOAF OF BREAD: sang Cant Buy Me Love and put his sillyass twist on it. It was pretty good, and definately corny. Im on the verge of sort of liking him, but I dont feel ready to commit. Hes okay. But really, ENOUGH with the "singing behind the judges" thing. Cant they get those judges a table that swivels so they dont have to watch the singers ass or watch on a tiny tv screen on their table? Thats lame.

MIKE LYNCH: I refuse to call him Big Mike,so its just Mike. I know the judges loved this performance and version of the song, but Eleanor Rigby is one of my favorite Beatles songs ever, and what I love about it is that its already so quirky and brilliantly written musically. So I didnt like all the changes Mike made to the songs arrangement. He sounded great, like he always does, and I really ama fan of his, just not this performance.

BOWERSOX: She rocked out on Come Together, and I absolutely loved the "dijidu" guy, Ernie. He was so cool and that instrument was so cool and different. Not Crystals best performance, but still excellent and I just love her soul that she adds to every single song. Ill say what I always say about her. She is just on a different level.

TIM URBAN: Christ. This kid gives a mediocre at best performance where he doesnt wobble and sing offkey, and they are all going mental like it was the greatest thing ever. It was just okay. Nothing spectacular, but it annoys me because it will ensure that he stays yet ANOTHER week undeserved, simply because he went from sucking to just barely not sucking. And hey Tim -- go ahead and turn your hair into a Beatles-do or wear an old suit or dress like Sgt. Pepper for all I care -- you still wont be the Beatles. Keep on smiling you freak. I hope youre smiling all the way home, but I know that wont happen.

CASEY: For me, this was the performance of the night. I would download his version of Jealous Guy, I would buy that cd, and I would physically comfort him in the middle of the night when he's going through something traumatic. Seriously though: really good emotional passion and awesome vocals. And by that, I mean his hair glistens in the stagelights and his eyes twinkle. Him, the acoustic guitar, and that beautiful cello was simply gorgeous. Best of the night.

SIOBHAN: Across the Universe. While I appreciate the fact that this girl is TOTALLY herself week after week and has the strangest outfits of anyone Ive ever seen outside of the 1980s, I really didnt GET her choice of outfit for this beautiful song. She looked like the stork that Bjork brought in, sitting on this stool singing this lovely melody. It was just so bizarre. Vocally though, she was excellent and I enjoyed her performance and emotion behind it. Was nice to see that other side to her.

LEE: Okay. I feel like this performance needs its own seperate blog, and that blog would be titled "The Bigest Clusterf**k performance of all time on Idol." Why the judges liked this I will never understand. I think they were being fed crack cocaine through a straw during commercials and therefore, their focus was messed with, or something. Because, quite frankly, this performance SUUUUUCCKKKED. No joke.

Hey Jude has never sounded that bad before. The first verse was horrifyingly offkey, pitch, and sounded as if someone was pulling at his scrotum and he was screaming out in pain. The whole song sounded way too high for his range, and he was all over the place with the vocals and notes. Now lets talk about the songs meaning, because Lee stripped it of any and made the song lose all of its soul. Honestly, it sounded like it was from a show called "Beatles Go Grunge." And then, just when you thought it couldnt get any more embarassing, out came ......... a bagpiper????

Yes, an odd man in a kilt marched down the stairs playing THE MOST ANNOYING SOUNDING INSTRUMENT ON THE PLANET, the bagpipes. During Hey Jude. On American Idol. Why? Nobody knows. And then the combination of Lee's screaching voice combined with the loud bagpipe sound, and it all went to hell from there. Okay, deeper into hell. The only phrase I was left with when this was finally over was What.the.F**k??!!!!!??!!

I have no idea who is going home. Based on that travesty of a performance, I think Lee should. However; based on my overall hatred of the performers, Id like to see The Child or Davy Jones Smiley-Face go home. But I never get what I want on this show. If I did, Seacrest would truly be OUT, and replaced by an ironing board, or anything else with more relevance than Seacrest.

David Archuletta performs tonight on the results show. Yeah. I think Ill be busy scratching out my pupils.