You heard me. This week is the TOP 3 Battle for the Finale, and within seconds of this episode's beginning, its obvious who the judges heavy favorite is. Do I even need to say it? Lee Dwyze. But more on that later. First, there are other pressing things to discuss, like Seacrest's gay entrance.
Down the stairs he tumbled; until his orange, tan-in-a-bottle skin smeared all along each step of the stage .... Oh, wait. That was a dream I had. The reality was more like this:
Seacrest: (as he walked down each step overdramatically, and stood next to each contestant, announcing their hometown and state) "Elliston, Ohio. Mount Prospect, Illinois. Cool, Texas ...and, Douchebag, Seacrest! This is the fight for me to get even more attention where its not deserved ...and THIS ........................................ is AMERICAN IDOL!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So after Ryan made it down the steps successfully (DAMN YOU, SEACREST!), he went on to introduce the judges: Randy "I wear retarded ugly diamond shaped sweaters to distract you from the fact that I'm not relevant" Jackson, Ellen "I look like a little boy in this striped blue shirt and lameass collar, and my orange foundation is caked on my face and is about to fall off on HD TV" DeGenerous, Kara "noone knew who the F*k I was until I was on this show" DiGuardi, and Simon "I'm the only Judge with any sort of purpose and whose opinion matters, so I'm leaving the show" Cowell.
Next, the Final 3 Contestants were brought out, at which point Seacrest asked the audience who their favorite was, and massive screams of LEE!!!! WE LOVE YOU LEEE!!!! LEEEE!!!! OMG LEE!!! PUT YOUR PENIS IN MY VAGINA LEE!!!! came from the audience. Gee, I wonder who the favorite is.
Casey, Crystal, and Lee got to sing two songs each; one chosen by them, and one chosen FOR them by the judges. They do this every year on Idol with the top three, and each time they do it, you can always tell who the judges want to win the title of American Idol by the song choices they make for each contestant. You can also usually tell how badly the contestants want or dont want the same title, based on their song selections. If you are in the Top 3 of American Idol and you STILL dont know how to pick a damn song that makes you stand out, is somehow relevant, and markets you as a future star ...well...youre kind of a moron. Which brings me to Casey, who is up first:
ROUND ONE / CONTESTANT'S CHOICE:
CASEY JAMES: "Okay, Its Alright With Me" by Eric Hutchison.
Okay, youre going home because you just picked the lamest, most boring, unforgettable, pointless, generic song on the planet to sing. This song did absolutely nothing, NOTHING, for Casey's talent or voice. I mean, really Casey? Seriously? THIS is what you are going with to show yourself for perhaps the final time ever? This is the TOP THREE!!! This is to get into the FINAL! And you go with a song that sounds exactly like about 1,000 other songs on earth, and that I have heard in a dentist office while half-numbed on novicaine? I just have nothing to say here, because it was such a nothing song. But as usual, your hair was flowing and beautiful, like a horses mane. Or a unicorn. And thats Alright With Me.
CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: "Come To My Window" by Melissa Ethridge.
Okay, sure, maybe this song was a tad bit "obvious" of a choice for her, and she can probably sing it in her sleep. And maybe she should have gone with something a bit more risky or unpredicted. That being said - I loved hearing Crystal rock out some Melissa, this is what she LOVES to sing, the harmonica was great, loved her vocals and rhythms, and she played it up well. On a scale of 1 to 10, it was about a 6.5. But in comparison to Casey's borefest, it was an eleven.
LEE DYWZE: "Simple Man" by Leonard Skynard.
First off, if ever there was a song title that perfectly described the person singing the song, it is this. A simple man he is. And a stoned one too. As far as the song choice and performance, A Simple Man was .... well.... simple. I still say he has pitch issues; and that although he is definately talented, he is nowhere NEAR the level of talent as Crystal; who is a multi-faceted woman who can sing any genre, style, or song and do it with killer vocals in addition to playing piano, guitar, harmonica and who knows what else .... But really, lets be honest here. Does it even matter? Between everyone screaming his name in every episode, him never being in the bottom two, and the judges obvious favoritism toward him; he is CLEARLY going to be the winner here. Lee could get on the stage and FART an entire song, and the judges would all proclaim how brilliant it was. This song, for example, was a good solid choice. But "Brilliant" Randy? Really? No. Not brilliant. "You crushed the other contestants!" Really? Im sorry, but thats just not true. Casey crushed himself, and Crystal has never been crushed by Lee. Its just not the case. Lee's performance and song choice was good. A tiny bit above average. That is all.
Lee's Inner Monologue As the Judges Spoke: "Duuuuuuude.... Im sooooo stoned right now ....but Im totally gonna WIN this thing dude..... they looove me dude... Im so stoked dude! Dude...."
ROUND TWO/ JUDGE'S CHOICE:
CASEY JAMES: Kara and Randy chose "Daughters" by John Meyer.
Sigh. Okay. This is a perfectly lovely and sweet song. Its very pretty. But risky? No. Memorable? No. Will it make him stand out? No. Am I answering all my own questions like Kara does? Yes. It is SO OBVIOUS by this song choice who the judges want voted off the show, and let me give you a hint: his hair glistens in the stagelights and his name rhymes with LACEY. Here's another hint: its not Crystal or Lee. The judges JUST spent five minutes grilling Casey about how generic and forgettable his last song choice was, and then they go and give him a song thats GENERIC AND FORGETFUL! More importantly, when Casey sang this song, he sounded exactly like John Meyer. It was like American Idol got Meyer to come and perform on the Idol stage without paying a cent! Casey stripped himself completely away from that song, and did a very good impression of Meyers distinctive voice. The guitar was sweet. The hair was perfection. But bye bye Casey - Im sorry to say - you are NOT the Biggest Loser - oh sorry - wrong manipulative reality show. Ahem. You are not the American Idol. Lets take a sad look back at all your memorable moments on the show while we make you sing the very song that got you kicked off.
Kelley's Song Choice for Casey:
"Rockin Horse" by The Allman Brothers. Or "Im In You" by Peter Frampton. Actually, this was my husbands choice from day one for Casey, and I totally agree. He has a very Frampton vibe. My husband said, and I quote:"If Casey got up there with that hair and that guitar and started singing Frampton's "Im In You", every girl watching would be all wet." My response: Ewwww. But he's right.
CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Ellen chose "Maybe Im Amazed" by Paul McCartney.
The absolute perfect choice for Crystal. Its not something youd ever expect her to sing or choose on her own, its definately risky in the sense that she was challenged vocally AND didnt use an instrument, and it was a big contrast to her first song performance. And wow, did this song ever show off her vocal range even more than before. Excellent choice by Ellen. One of my favorite Crystal performances. I actually watched her sing it 3x in a row, because after the first time, I wanted to hear it again, but louder. Then while I was playing it the second time, my husband walked in and said "She sounds incredible, you gotta rewind that and let me hear it." So yeah. Maybe Im Amazed at how freakin talented this girl is. See? See what I did there? See how I took the title of the song and then made a silly pun about Crystal? I suck.
Kelley's Song Choice for Crystal: Well, I LOVED Ellen's choice, so Id probably still go with that, but some other ones my husband and I came up with that we would LOVE to hear her sing include: "Black Velvet" by Alanna Myles, "Piano in the Dark" by Brenda Russell, "Change of Heart" by Cyndi Lauper, and "Jazz Man" by Carole King.
LEE DYWZE: Simon chose "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen.
Oh, where do I even begin with this one. There are soooo many things to address here. Let's start with the fact that this song has been sung on Idol probably, oh, 754 times. Yeah, lets go with that. Maybe even 46 times this season alone. But Simon proclaimed that we had never heard it the way that Lee was giong to sing it. Okay. Whatever.
Now lets talk about my title for this blog. The judges basically sat there throughout this entire hour and stuffed their heads up Lee's stoned ass, and that treatment was made perfectly clear with this last performance. Once again, it was a good, solid performance. A GOOD performance. Maybe slightly better than good, perhaps somewhere between good and kind of great. But thats as far as Ill go, and Im really being generous here. It did not give me chills like Crystals song did. I watched it. It was pleasant, nice, then it was over. And then I heard the thunderous, boisterious applause and the standing ovations and the massive overreaction from EVERYONE and just thought to myself, "Huh? Did I just miss something here? Did this guy just get up there and cure cancer? Did he give his kidney to an audience member, or his heart to Simon? Whats going on here?" So I rewound and watched it again, because I beleive in giving people second chances and not judging too soon. The second time I watched it, I had the same reaction that it was a good to maybe great performance, but I also starting noticing all of the MANY MANY MANY manipulative ways in which the judges and the show tried to shove Lee down our collective throats, practically SCREAMING at us to VOTE HIM INTO THE FINAL and make him win this show!!!! So in case you didnt get the message America, here is how American Idol commanded you to vote for Lee and told us he should be the winner:
1. They gave him the LAST spot on the show, the final performer, the one that everbody is supposed to remember when they vote.
2. They chose a song titled HALLELUJAH for him to sing, which is a beautiful but non risky song thats been sung several thousand times before on the show, and also a song that they KNOW middle America will eat up and vote for.
3. They gave him the "choir" performance. You know, the emotional, open the curtain cuz here comes the Choir!!! song performance that automatically adds depth vocally , visually, and emotionally to any song. It basically screams THIS IS THE SONG WE WANT YOU TO REMEMBER TONIGHT!!! , even if its not the best one. Honestly, they should have just put Lee up on a cross and proclaimed him as Jesus, because it seemed like thats what they were going for here.
4. SIMON chose his song. Everyone knows Simon is the most important judge on the show, and he usually gets to choose the song for HIS favorite contestant, or the one that they all want to make sure gets to the final two and hopefully wins. Lee is Simon's baby. He has claimed him.
5. They keep mentioning over and over that Lee was just a simple guy workin in a Paint Shop, etc. They are trying so hard to create this whole image of the workin man, simple guy, All American dude, etc. Seriously, we get it. Enough already.
6. The fact that they ALL jumped all over themselves to compliment him up and down on BOTH songs, and none of them disagreed at all. Really? They all thought he was the clear winner tonight? And none of you have any sort of different opinion on this? Hmmm, interesting.
7. All of the many "this is your night, this is your moment" type comments. Why is it HIS night? Isnt it all of their nights? And before Lee even sang the damn song, Simon was pushing it on the audience as his MOMENT on the show. Yes, his pre-determined moment complete with choir and a baffling amount of screaming applause.
Here are some of the judges comments after Lees final performances:
Randy: "Your biggest moment!!!"
Ellen: "Stunning!!!"
Kara: "You owned the entire night!!!!"
Simon: "Youre a great person! This is your night and your moment!"
Youre a great person? Whats that supposed to mean? Are Casey and Crystal child molestors now? Its getting a bit out of control. So, judges ....... please lube up and get that foursome going with Lee. Thats right. Just gently insert your heads directly into his ass. Brilliant. No, no, Seacrest ...you are not invited to this orgy. Youre just the host. So stand there and give your arrogant commentary.
My husbands Song Choice for Lee: (I didnt have one because I was too stunned at all the hoopla surrounding him that I coudlnt think of anything) "Photographs and Memories" by Jim Croce.
Meanwhile, at THE CHILDS house:
Mommy: Cmon child, its almost 9pm, time for beddy-bye!
Child: Nooooo mom!!! I wanna stay up and watch the rest of Idollllll!!!!
Mommy: Child, you know its way past your bedtime. Go on now and get into your feety pajamas and mommy will read you a story.
Child: Okay mommy. Youre the best mommy EVER!
Kelley's Song Choices for THE CHILD: One,Two,Buckle My Shoe
Hush Little Baby
Im a Little Teapot
Theres a Hole in My Bucket
On Top of Spaghetti
In conclusion: Congratulations Lee Dywze, Youre the Next AMERICAN IDOL!
And hey, thats okay with me I guess, because Crystal will probably be even MORE of a hit if she doesnt win the show but is the runner-up.
The real question is this: whatever am I going to mock and write about once this show is over? I feel empty inside.
Showing posts with label American Idol reviews. Show all posts
Showing posts with label American Idol reviews. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW - The "Mentor Who Mentors" Episode
Okay, so I will start out by admitting that I have always had a HUGE crush on Harry Connick Jr. Ever since he did the soundtrack for one of my favorite movies ever, "When Harry Met Sally" back in my high school days, he has been the cutest, most talented, funniest, dorkiest, cutest (I know, I already said that) man alive. Oh, and his voice ...its like buttah. Plus it doesnt hurt that he plays piano AND has amazing comic timing. So when I heard that he would be the guest mentor on this weeks episode, I immediately got excited. I also had high expectations for what he would do, and he did not disappoint.
Not only did Connick mentor the contestants by giving them sound advice and great musical suggestions, he also composed and arranged ALL of the songs to fit each Idol singers personality, and then played piano as backup in the live show along with several members of his big band. The results were incredible. Musically, this was one of my favorite episodes of Idol ever. It was such a blast watching Connick work and seeing his passion up there on the stage. He also managed to make me like the performances of almost every contestant - despite the fact that I dont like every contestant. Best of all, Connick actually made a dent with his mentoring abilities. Unlike past mentors such as Miley Cyrus and Alicia Keys, who both pretty much said the same thing over and over again to every single person; ("you need to really FEEL the song"), Harry seemed to actually know that Lee needs different direction than Mike; and so on and so on..........
Let us begin. Seacrest once again comes down the stairs to that dramatic Idol theme song. And despite all my many prayers for him to please fall down that staircase, it still hasnt happened. This week, when he got to the bottom of those steps, he looked at Harry, who then announced Ryan's line "THIS .....is AMERICAN IDOL!" You could tell that Seacrest died a little bit inside.
Then - dramatic music - and then, Seacrest came down the stairs again, for a second time. What the f**k? What did he do, run back up to the top just so he could walk down AGAIN and this time have ALL eyes on him and only him? Such a camera whore.
At this point, we were introduced to the judges, and to the buttoned-down shirt of Simon, whose hairy chest was prominantly featured. Also featured were the songs of Frank Sinatra, and sitting in the audience was Sinatra's two creepy-esque odd-looking daughters, who unexplainably presented Simon with one of Frank's initialed handkerchiefs. Great. The snot-rag of a dead legend. Just what he's always wanted Im sure.
Then came the performances--
THE CHILD: Fly Me to The Moon.
The Child was once again up first, so that he could still make it to bed nice and early while his mommy reads him a bedtime story. You know, the mommy he creepily sang about last week with a romantic tune. Everything on this kid is gigantic. His ears are huge. His fingers. His eyebrows. Even the microphone looks like one of those big toy microphones that you give to kids or that you hold while singing kareoke. He looked bizarre in his suit/vest combo. Once again, he appeared as some tiny kid who was playing dress up on a pretend show and singing a pretend song with lyrics that he knows nothing about and has never experienced. He sounded really okay ... good actually ... but I just cannot get over his childlike appearance and demeanor. With each lyric he sang, and everytime he crooned "anotherwords, I love you...." I justkept picturing him saying those words to his mommy as she tucked him into bed at night and turned on his Snoopy nightlight. But hey, what do I know? The judges seem to enjoy him, and the stupid little girls seem to LOVE the kid. At this point, my FEAR is that he will be in the (gasp) Final Two. Let's just not talk about it and pretend it's not happening.
CASEY: Blue Skies.
Oh Casey. Dear, sweet Casey. Cute Casey in your adorable purple shirt and your newish beardlike-beard growing in. I am so sorry to report that I truly think youll be going home tonight. You just looked so very awkward up there, like someone threw you onto the stage and demanded that you sing Sinatra or die. "SING IT KID! OR I MURDER YOUR FAMILY!" I actually felt kind of bad for him when the judges all told him how badly he sucked it one by one. I hate to see him go, but Its happening, I know it. Poor Casey. I still think youre cute, but after Harry Connick, youre nothing to me now. NOTHING!!!!!
Awkward Seacrest Moment: In between acts, the "out to prove that I know everyone in Hollywood" Seacrest introduced Anthony Hopkins, who was sitting in the audience. Hopkins looked like he wanted to eat his face off, Hanibal Lector style. I wish he would have.
CRYSTAL: Summer Wind.
The judges werent overly excited about this performance, but I strongly disagree. I think Crystal's version of this song was gorgeous, and most of all, passionate and emotional. It was obvious the song meant something to her, and she delivered it with such interesting and beautiful phrasing. She also looked like she stepped right out of that era, which I find amazing. The woman can sing anything you throw at her. I loved it.
MIKE: The Way You Look Tonight.
Simply put, I love his voice. Its so pure and soft and powerful and bluesy and soulful, all at once.
I thougth he was truly in his element here, and looked like he totally belonged up there. And Harrys arrangement was fantastic. Im still hoping and praying for my dream Crystal/Mike Finale.
"What the F**k" Moment: Who the hell was that random guy RUNNING away and out of stageview when they came back from commercial? Its like something sinister was going on during break, and then he quickly ran off so noone would notice.
LEE: That's Life.
Well, just when I was all set to hate him again, he goes and gives a pretty kickass performance. I cant make up my mind about this dude. One week he sounds like a cheese grater is stuck in his throat, and the next he is damn good. He doesnt have my favorite kind of voice, I think thats what it comes down to. So sometimes he sounds like crap to me, and other times, when the songs right, he sounds good on it. In this episode, with this great arrangement, he sounded good. Really good. But I still felt like he was stoned and drunk - I felt like I was at a wedding and some drunk weird guy got up and grabbed the mic and started randomly singing. Yet, somehow, it worked.
So, to sum up: Seacrest still sucks. Simon is hairy. Kara still looks like a Muppet. Ellen is an elf. Randy is pointless. Casey is going home. Nothing incredibly funny happened on this episode. The Child might win it all, and then I shall cry.
Your thoughts?
Not only did Connick mentor the contestants by giving them sound advice and great musical suggestions, he also composed and arranged ALL of the songs to fit each Idol singers personality, and then played piano as backup in the live show along with several members of his big band. The results were incredible. Musically, this was one of my favorite episodes of Idol ever. It was such a blast watching Connick work and seeing his passion up there on the stage. He also managed to make me like the performances of almost every contestant - despite the fact that I dont like every contestant. Best of all, Connick actually made a dent with his mentoring abilities. Unlike past mentors such as Miley Cyrus and Alicia Keys, who both pretty much said the same thing over and over again to every single person; ("you need to really FEEL the song"), Harry seemed to actually know that Lee needs different direction than Mike; and so on and so on..........
Let us begin. Seacrest once again comes down the stairs to that dramatic Idol theme song. And despite all my many prayers for him to please fall down that staircase, it still hasnt happened. This week, when he got to the bottom of those steps, he looked at Harry, who then announced Ryan's line "THIS .....is AMERICAN IDOL!" You could tell that Seacrest died a little bit inside.
Then - dramatic music - and then, Seacrest came down the stairs again, for a second time. What the f**k? What did he do, run back up to the top just so he could walk down AGAIN and this time have ALL eyes on him and only him? Such a camera whore.
At this point, we were introduced to the judges, and to the buttoned-down shirt of Simon, whose hairy chest was prominantly featured. Also featured were the songs of Frank Sinatra, and sitting in the audience was Sinatra's two creepy-esque odd-looking daughters, who unexplainably presented Simon with one of Frank's initialed handkerchiefs. Great. The snot-rag of a dead legend. Just what he's always wanted Im sure.
Then came the performances--
THE CHILD: Fly Me to The Moon.
The Child was once again up first, so that he could still make it to bed nice and early while his mommy reads him a bedtime story. You know, the mommy he creepily sang about last week with a romantic tune. Everything on this kid is gigantic. His ears are huge. His fingers. His eyebrows. Even the microphone looks like one of those big toy microphones that you give to kids or that you hold while singing kareoke. He looked bizarre in his suit/vest combo. Once again, he appeared as some tiny kid who was playing dress up on a pretend show and singing a pretend song with lyrics that he knows nothing about and has never experienced. He sounded really okay ... good actually ... but I just cannot get over his childlike appearance and demeanor. With each lyric he sang, and everytime he crooned "anotherwords, I love you...." I justkept picturing him saying those words to his mommy as she tucked him into bed at night and turned on his Snoopy nightlight. But hey, what do I know? The judges seem to enjoy him, and the stupid little girls seem to LOVE the kid. At this point, my FEAR is that he will be in the (gasp) Final Two. Let's just not talk about it and pretend it's not happening.
CASEY: Blue Skies.
Oh Casey. Dear, sweet Casey. Cute Casey in your adorable purple shirt and your newish beardlike-beard growing in. I am so sorry to report that I truly think youll be going home tonight. You just looked so very awkward up there, like someone threw you onto the stage and demanded that you sing Sinatra or die. "SING IT KID! OR I MURDER YOUR FAMILY!" I actually felt kind of bad for him when the judges all told him how badly he sucked it one by one. I hate to see him go, but Its happening, I know it. Poor Casey. I still think youre cute, but after Harry Connick, youre nothing to me now. NOTHING!!!!!
Awkward Seacrest Moment: In between acts, the "out to prove that I know everyone in Hollywood" Seacrest introduced Anthony Hopkins, who was sitting in the audience. Hopkins looked like he wanted to eat his face off, Hanibal Lector style. I wish he would have.
CRYSTAL: Summer Wind.
The judges werent overly excited about this performance, but I strongly disagree. I think Crystal's version of this song was gorgeous, and most of all, passionate and emotional. It was obvious the song meant something to her, and she delivered it with such interesting and beautiful phrasing. She also looked like she stepped right out of that era, which I find amazing. The woman can sing anything you throw at her. I loved it.
MIKE: The Way You Look Tonight.
Simply put, I love his voice. Its so pure and soft and powerful and bluesy and soulful, all at once.
I thougth he was truly in his element here, and looked like he totally belonged up there. And Harrys arrangement was fantastic. Im still hoping and praying for my dream Crystal/Mike Finale.
"What the F**k" Moment: Who the hell was that random guy RUNNING away and out of stageview when they came back from commercial? Its like something sinister was going on during break, and then he quickly ran off so noone would notice.
LEE: That's Life.
Well, just when I was all set to hate him again, he goes and gives a pretty kickass performance. I cant make up my mind about this dude. One week he sounds like a cheese grater is stuck in his throat, and the next he is damn good. He doesnt have my favorite kind of voice, I think thats what it comes down to. So sometimes he sounds like crap to me, and other times, when the songs right, he sounds good on it. In this episode, with this great arrangement, he sounded good. Really good. But I still felt like he was stoned and drunk - I felt like I was at a wedding and some drunk weird guy got up and grabbed the mic and started randomly singing. Yet, somehow, it worked.
So, to sum up: Seacrest still sucks. Simon is hairy. Kara still looks like a Muppet. Ellen is an elf. Randy is pointless. Casey is going home. Nothing incredibly funny happened on this episode. The Child might win it all, and then I shall cry.
Your thoughts?
Monday, May 3, 2010
AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW -The "Crash this TWAIN into a Truck because this is the blandest Episode Ever" Episode
Holy Shania! I would have written this review sooner, but I just woke up from my nap. Normally I have all kinds of trouble sleeping, but this episode of Idol was so bland and uninteresting (just like Shania Twain), that I had no problem at all.
Seacrest opened the show by giving the six remaining contestants cutesy introductions: "A salesman -- a glassblower --- an absentee father ---- a painter --- a joker --- a smoker --- a lover--- a fighter --- and me; an Asshole. I'm Ryan Seacrest, and THIS ---- is American Idol!!!!"
Then he introduced us to the judges, and that frightening thing around Kara's neck.
And then he announced that the Idol hopefuls would be mentored by Shania Twain (yawn), AND that they would be singing her songs. (really?) I will admit Im not a country fan, so Im probably biast, but I do like some country. Real country. Old-school country, like Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton, Johny Cash, etc etc. I am not a fan of most modern country. But even more, I am soooooo not a fan of Shania Twain. In fact, I will go so far as to say I hate her music. I find it boring, shallow, meaningless, and lacking of all soul. Basically, shes a cute girl who makes sexy videos and nothing more. Her songs are terrible. So to hear that the Idols would be singing her songs only made me incredibly frustRATED (as Simon says.) I just kept thinking "Oh wow, Im going to hate everyone tonight." And honestly, I wasnt too far off. Sitting through this episode was a bit like watching one hour of different people getting up onstage and scraping their nails on a chalkboard, and then having someone go "Okay, so which one did you like best?" Well, they ALL were terribly uncomfortable and BAD because its nails on a chalkboard. But, if youre going to demand I give you an answer as to who was best at that, well then I guess Ill go with Crystal, Casey and Mike. So lets begin .....
LEE: Youre Still the One. The judges liked this for some reason. I, on the other hand, thought he sounded like a dump truck driving down a dirt road and constantly shifting gears; using a stick shift. It sounded to me like he was singing 5 different songs and kept changing keys. Very weird, not pleasant, and a little bit ear-piercing. I did not enjoy this performance at ALL. And when Randy said its one of the greatest written songs of all time, I sort of wanted to puke. No. Its an overplayed mess of a cheesy song that about 4 million people have used as their wedding song. Actually, the only time I hear this song is at a cheesy wedding, or at the dentist office. This is dentist office music. Yuck.
MIKE: It Only Hurts When I Breathe. Okay. I thought he did a lovely job with this song, but again, didnt like the song. At all. Sitting through this episode was painful, but Mikes performance was one of the least offensive ones in a night full of crap. And then Simon called it "wet." Okay Simon. Sure.
CASEY: Don't. As in, don't ever leave my tv screen you sexy man. He wore his hair down tonight which I quite enjoy. His hair really DOES glisten in the stagelights, Im not joking. Look at it next time. His performance was nice as well, but again, the song sucked.
CRYSTAL: Noone Needs to Know. I liked the jam feel of her performance, and it was really the only one that felt "country" to me. I liked that she chose a song with a bit of a bluesy, happy feel.
Kara's "answering her own Question" moment: Kara always does this. She asks and then answers her own questions. She did it with Crystal and she does it all the time. "Did I like it? Yes I did. Was it your best performance? No." See a shrink lady.
THE CHILD: You Got A Way. For some unknown reason, the judges went absolutely apeshit over this performance, as if it were the most wondrous thing they have ever heard in their lives. Ummm, he was offkey and sounded horrible and shaky. And once again ---that song is waaay too serious for an 8 year old. The way you hold me, love me, etc etc .... and then the topper. He says "I was singing about my mom." Well, let me just say on behalf of all humans everywhere .... Eeeewwww!!! Your MOM? Are you kidding me? That song is clearly a love song, he had to take OUT the phrase "making love to you" so he could make it about his MOM. They all went on and on about how "sincere" he was. Ummm, yeah, of course he was sincere. He was singing to his MOMMY!!! He is a freakin child singing to his mommy. Somebody please get this kid off the stage immediately. Im starting to get really worried that hes going to be around in the final four. Or two. Or ONE. Really. Its a concern.
SIOBAN: Any Man of Mine. They went mental over her as well, and I dont get why. Once again, I found her screaming note at the end to be forced and phony, and not at all coming from a real place. It felt like it didnt fit with the song. And the whole thing felt so kareoke to me. The weird outfit from 1984, the kneesocks, the white, and her whacked out hair again. And those nutty eyes of hers. I swear she murders people at night. She cuts them with her sharp teeth and then stares at them with those creepy big eyes and screams long-winded notes into their ears until they beg to be killed.
Thats sort of how I felt tonight through this entire episode. I just wanted it to end already. Make it stop. Please.
Seacrest opened the show by giving the six remaining contestants cutesy introductions: "A salesman -- a glassblower --- an absentee father ---- a painter --- a joker --- a smoker --- a lover--- a fighter --- and me; an Asshole. I'm Ryan Seacrest, and THIS ---- is American Idol!!!!"
Then he introduced us to the judges, and that frightening thing around Kara's neck.
And then he announced that the Idol hopefuls would be mentored by Shania Twain (yawn), AND that they would be singing her songs. (really?) I will admit Im not a country fan, so Im probably biast, but I do like some country. Real country. Old-school country, like Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton, Johny Cash, etc etc. I am not a fan of most modern country. But even more, I am soooooo not a fan of Shania Twain. In fact, I will go so far as to say I hate her music. I find it boring, shallow, meaningless, and lacking of all soul. Basically, shes a cute girl who makes sexy videos and nothing more. Her songs are terrible. So to hear that the Idols would be singing her songs only made me incredibly frustRATED (as Simon says.) I just kept thinking "Oh wow, Im going to hate everyone tonight." And honestly, I wasnt too far off. Sitting through this episode was a bit like watching one hour of different people getting up onstage and scraping their nails on a chalkboard, and then having someone go "Okay, so which one did you like best?" Well, they ALL were terribly uncomfortable and BAD because its nails on a chalkboard. But, if youre going to demand I give you an answer as to who was best at that, well then I guess Ill go with Crystal, Casey and Mike. So lets begin .....
LEE: Youre Still the One. The judges liked this for some reason. I, on the other hand, thought he sounded like a dump truck driving down a dirt road and constantly shifting gears; using a stick shift. It sounded to me like he was singing 5 different songs and kept changing keys. Very weird, not pleasant, and a little bit ear-piercing. I did not enjoy this performance at ALL. And when Randy said its one of the greatest written songs of all time, I sort of wanted to puke. No. Its an overplayed mess of a cheesy song that about 4 million people have used as their wedding song. Actually, the only time I hear this song is at a cheesy wedding, or at the dentist office. This is dentist office music. Yuck.
MIKE: It Only Hurts When I Breathe. Okay. I thought he did a lovely job with this song, but again, didnt like the song. At all. Sitting through this episode was painful, but Mikes performance was one of the least offensive ones in a night full of crap. And then Simon called it "wet." Okay Simon. Sure.
CASEY: Don't. As in, don't ever leave my tv screen you sexy man. He wore his hair down tonight which I quite enjoy. His hair really DOES glisten in the stagelights, Im not joking. Look at it next time. His performance was nice as well, but again, the song sucked.
CRYSTAL: Noone Needs to Know. I liked the jam feel of her performance, and it was really the only one that felt "country" to me. I liked that she chose a song with a bit of a bluesy, happy feel.
Kara's "answering her own Question" moment: Kara always does this. She asks and then answers her own questions. She did it with Crystal and she does it all the time. "Did I like it? Yes I did. Was it your best performance? No." See a shrink lady.
THE CHILD: You Got A Way. For some unknown reason, the judges went absolutely apeshit over this performance, as if it were the most wondrous thing they have ever heard in their lives. Ummm, he was offkey and sounded horrible and shaky. And once again ---that song is waaay too serious for an 8 year old. The way you hold me, love me, etc etc .... and then the topper. He says "I was singing about my mom." Well, let me just say on behalf of all humans everywhere .... Eeeewwww!!! Your MOM? Are you kidding me? That song is clearly a love song, he had to take OUT the phrase "making love to you" so he could make it about his MOM. They all went on and on about how "sincere" he was. Ummm, yeah, of course he was sincere. He was singing to his MOMMY!!! He is a freakin child singing to his mommy. Somebody please get this kid off the stage immediately. Im starting to get really worried that hes going to be around in the final four. Or two. Or ONE. Really. Its a concern.
SIOBAN: Any Man of Mine. They went mental over her as well, and I dont get why. Once again, I found her screaming note at the end to be forced and phony, and not at all coming from a real place. It felt like it didnt fit with the song. And the whole thing felt so kareoke to me. The weird outfit from 1984, the kneesocks, the white, and her whacked out hair again. And those nutty eyes of hers. I swear she murders people at night. She cuts them with her sharp teeth and then stares at them with those creepy big eyes and screams long-winded notes into their ears until they beg to be killed.
Thats sort of how I felt tonight through this entire episode. I just wanted it to end already. Make it stop. Please.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
American Idol Review - The "Paul McCartney Still Wont come on our Show" Episode
This week, the Idol contestants took on "Lennon/McCartney" songs. Again. I say that because this is about the 4th time, at least, in Idol history that they have done Lennon/McCartney or Beatles songs. Normally, the contestants sing "songs of Barry Manilow", for example, and lo and behold, Manilow shows up as that week's mentor for the kiddies. That is the protocol, and Idol has had some pretty legendary and/or big name mentors come on the show in the past; including Billy Joel, Elton John, Dolly Parton, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Neil Diamond, Smokey Robinson, Burt Bacharach, Stevie Wonder ...hell, even Quention Terantino was a mentor one week; which was just ... well... odd. But back to the point. Which is this. Every single time the Idol contestants take on Beatles songs, McCartney is nowhere to be found on the show. Lennon is dead, so he gets a free pass for not showing up. Same with George Harrison. Ringo and Paul, however, have yet to grace the Idol stage; yet the show continues to honor McCartney time and time again by covering (or in most cases, butchering) his songs. Last nights show was an improvement in the right direction, however, when they showed a short McCartney video where he wished the kiddies good luck on their performances. Hey, its a start. I guess Paul is very busy getting robbed by one-legged models and dead-too-early used-to-be-black white guys. What he SHOULD have said in that video was something along the lines of "HA! Im Paul f'ing McCartney goddamit! I dont have the time or interest to come on your gay little candy-ass talent show!" I have heard, however, that Yoko Ono is available, but Idol is not interested. (I have no facts to back that statement up, but Im just assuming its true.)
Okay. So we begin this weeks episode with Seacrest standing in the control room, and he actually says the following statement:
Seacrest: "Here I am inside the central nervous system of the show."
Really? The central nervous system??? What is this, NASA? No. Its not. So relax Ryan ... calm yourself down... take it down a notch. Its going to be okay. Every second of your time on the show doesnt HAVE to be overdramatic, or you trying to make the moment much more important than it really is. Sigh.
Okay, so then, after that happened, the judges were introduced and entered as if they were a gang coming at us, like in Michael Jacksons BEAT IT video. This was followed by stupid Seacrest walking dramatically down the giant staircase. Just once, ONCE!!!!, can Seacrest please fall down that staircase? Thats really all I ask for my personal entertainment. I dont think its too big of a dream.
Let the butchering of Beatles-music begin. (Surprisingly, it actually wasn't too bad.)
AARON KELLY: aka "The Child." The child went first tonight so that he could have his warm glass of milk and get to bed early, before his curfew. And of course, he HAD to perform one of my alltime favorite Beatles songs, The Long and Winding Road. And it was, at best, mediocre. What a bore this kid is, honestly. Even more annoying, he got the lyrics wrong twice. One time he sang "many times ago" as a lyric. Many times ago?? That doesnt even make sense idiot. I think you need some sleep. Go lie down for awhile in your Star Wars bunk bed and maybe you wont get voted off tonight. Ick.
KATIE BORING STEVENS: Thats actually her middle name. Boring. First of all, she looked like a giant bottle of Pepto-Bismol in that pink dress. Secondly, the fact that she has a very nice sounding voice and sings well really doesnt matter much, because there are about 400,000 people out there exactly like her, with the exact same pleasant sounding voice and yawn-like performances. So yes, she sang Let It Be very nicely .... but its kind of meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
Seacrest STUPID COMMENT to Katie: "Wow you have really grown physically since last week." Ummm, what? Is he eying the contestants puberty now? Creepy.
LOAF OF BREAD: sang Cant Buy Me Love and put his sillyass twist on it. It was pretty good, and definately corny. Im on the verge of sort of liking him, but I dont feel ready to commit. Hes okay. But really, ENOUGH with the "singing behind the judges" thing. Cant they get those judges a table that swivels so they dont have to watch the singers ass or watch on a tiny tv screen on their table? Thats lame.
MIKE LYNCH: I refuse to call him Big Mike,so its just Mike. I know the judges loved this performance and version of the song, but Eleanor Rigby is one of my favorite Beatles songs ever, and what I love about it is that its already so quirky and brilliantly written musically. So I didnt like all the changes Mike made to the songs arrangement. He sounded great, like he always does, and I really ama fan of his, just not this performance.
BOWERSOX: She rocked out on Come Together, and I absolutely loved the "dijidu" guy, Ernie. He was so cool and that instrument was so cool and different. Not Crystals best performance, but still excellent and I just love her soul that she adds to every single song. Ill say what I always say about her. She is just on a different level.
TIM URBAN: Christ. This kid gives a mediocre at best performance where he doesnt wobble and sing offkey, and they are all going mental like it was the greatest thing ever. It was just okay. Nothing spectacular, but it annoys me because it will ensure that he stays yet ANOTHER week undeserved, simply because he went from sucking to just barely not sucking. And hey Tim -- go ahead and turn your hair into a Beatles-do or wear an old suit or dress like Sgt. Pepper for all I care -- you still wont be the Beatles. Keep on smiling you freak. I hope youre smiling all the way home, but I know that wont happen.
CASEY: For me, this was the performance of the night. I would download his version of Jealous Guy, I would buy that cd, and I would physically comfort him in the middle of the night when he's going through something traumatic. Seriously though: really good emotional passion and awesome vocals. And by that, I mean his hair glistens in the stagelights and his eyes twinkle. Him, the acoustic guitar, and that beautiful cello was simply gorgeous. Best of the night.
SIOBHAN: Across the Universe. While I appreciate the fact that this girl is TOTALLY herself week after week and has the strangest outfits of anyone Ive ever seen outside of the 1980s, I really didnt GET her choice of outfit for this beautiful song. She looked like the stork that Bjork brought in, sitting on this stool singing this lovely melody. It was just so bizarre. Vocally though, she was excellent and I enjoyed her performance and emotion behind it. Was nice to see that other side to her.
LEE: Okay. I feel like this performance needs its own seperate blog, and that blog would be titled "The Bigest Clusterf**k performance of all time on Idol." Why the judges liked this I will never understand. I think they were being fed crack cocaine through a straw during commercials and therefore, their focus was messed with, or something. Because, quite frankly, this performance SUUUUUCCKKKED. No joke.
Hey Jude has never sounded that bad before. The first verse was horrifyingly offkey, pitch, and sounded as if someone was pulling at his scrotum and he was screaming out in pain. The whole song sounded way too high for his range, and he was all over the place with the vocals and notes. Now lets talk about the songs meaning, because Lee stripped it of any and made the song lose all of its soul. Honestly, it sounded like it was from a show called "Beatles Go Grunge." And then, just when you thought it couldnt get any more embarassing, out came ......... a bagpiper????
Yes, an odd man in a kilt marched down the stairs playing THE MOST ANNOYING SOUNDING INSTRUMENT ON THE PLANET, the bagpipes. During Hey Jude. On American Idol. Why? Nobody knows. And then the combination of Lee's screaching voice combined with the loud bagpipe sound, and it all went to hell from there. Okay, deeper into hell. The only phrase I was left with when this was finally over was What.the.F**k??!!!!!??!!
I have no idea who is going home. Based on that travesty of a performance, I think Lee should. However; based on my overall hatred of the performers, Id like to see The Child or Davy Jones Smiley-Face go home. But I never get what I want on this show. If I did, Seacrest would truly be OUT, and replaced by an ironing board, or anything else with more relevance than Seacrest.
David Archuletta performs tonight on the results show. Yeah. I think Ill be busy scratching out my pupils.
Okay. So we begin this weeks episode with Seacrest standing in the control room, and he actually says the following statement:
Seacrest: "Here I am inside the central nervous system of the show."
Really? The central nervous system??? What is this, NASA? No. Its not. So relax Ryan ... calm yourself down... take it down a notch. Its going to be okay. Every second of your time on the show doesnt HAVE to be overdramatic, or you trying to make the moment much more important than it really is. Sigh.
Okay, so then, after that happened, the judges were introduced and entered as if they were a gang coming at us, like in Michael Jacksons BEAT IT video. This was followed by stupid Seacrest walking dramatically down the giant staircase. Just once, ONCE!!!!, can Seacrest please fall down that staircase? Thats really all I ask for my personal entertainment. I dont think its too big of a dream.
Let the butchering of Beatles-music begin. (Surprisingly, it actually wasn't too bad.)
AARON KELLY: aka "The Child." The child went first tonight so that he could have his warm glass of milk and get to bed early, before his curfew. And of course, he HAD to perform one of my alltime favorite Beatles songs, The Long and Winding Road. And it was, at best, mediocre. What a bore this kid is, honestly. Even more annoying, he got the lyrics wrong twice. One time he sang "many times ago" as a lyric. Many times ago?? That doesnt even make sense idiot. I think you need some sleep. Go lie down for awhile in your Star Wars bunk bed and maybe you wont get voted off tonight. Ick.
KATIE BORING STEVENS: Thats actually her middle name. Boring. First of all, she looked like a giant bottle of Pepto-Bismol in that pink dress. Secondly, the fact that she has a very nice sounding voice and sings well really doesnt matter much, because there are about 400,000 people out there exactly like her, with the exact same pleasant sounding voice and yawn-like performances. So yes, she sang Let It Be very nicely .... but its kind of meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
Seacrest STUPID COMMENT to Katie: "Wow you have really grown physically since last week." Ummm, what? Is he eying the contestants puberty now? Creepy.
LOAF OF BREAD: sang Cant Buy Me Love and put his sillyass twist on it. It was pretty good, and definately corny. Im on the verge of sort of liking him, but I dont feel ready to commit. Hes okay. But really, ENOUGH with the "singing behind the judges" thing. Cant they get those judges a table that swivels so they dont have to watch the singers ass or watch on a tiny tv screen on their table? Thats lame.
MIKE LYNCH: I refuse to call him Big Mike,so its just Mike. I know the judges loved this performance and version of the song, but Eleanor Rigby is one of my favorite Beatles songs ever, and what I love about it is that its already so quirky and brilliantly written musically. So I didnt like all the changes Mike made to the songs arrangement. He sounded great, like he always does, and I really ama fan of his, just not this performance.
BOWERSOX: She rocked out on Come Together, and I absolutely loved the "dijidu" guy, Ernie. He was so cool and that instrument was so cool and different. Not Crystals best performance, but still excellent and I just love her soul that she adds to every single song. Ill say what I always say about her. She is just on a different level.
TIM URBAN: Christ. This kid gives a mediocre at best performance where he doesnt wobble and sing offkey, and they are all going mental like it was the greatest thing ever. It was just okay. Nothing spectacular, but it annoys me because it will ensure that he stays yet ANOTHER week undeserved, simply because he went from sucking to just barely not sucking. And hey Tim -- go ahead and turn your hair into a Beatles-do or wear an old suit or dress like Sgt. Pepper for all I care -- you still wont be the Beatles. Keep on smiling you freak. I hope youre smiling all the way home, but I know that wont happen.
CASEY: For me, this was the performance of the night. I would download his version of Jealous Guy, I would buy that cd, and I would physically comfort him in the middle of the night when he's going through something traumatic. Seriously though: really good emotional passion and awesome vocals. And by that, I mean his hair glistens in the stagelights and his eyes twinkle. Him, the acoustic guitar, and that beautiful cello was simply gorgeous. Best of the night.
SIOBHAN: Across the Universe. While I appreciate the fact that this girl is TOTALLY herself week after week and has the strangest outfits of anyone Ive ever seen outside of the 1980s, I really didnt GET her choice of outfit for this beautiful song. She looked like the stork that Bjork brought in, sitting on this stool singing this lovely melody. It was just so bizarre. Vocally though, she was excellent and I enjoyed her performance and emotion behind it. Was nice to see that other side to her.
LEE: Okay. I feel like this performance needs its own seperate blog, and that blog would be titled "The Bigest Clusterf**k performance of all time on Idol." Why the judges liked this I will never understand. I think they were being fed crack cocaine through a straw during commercials and therefore, their focus was messed with, or something. Because, quite frankly, this performance SUUUUUCCKKKED. No joke.
Hey Jude has never sounded that bad before. The first verse was horrifyingly offkey, pitch, and sounded as if someone was pulling at his scrotum and he was screaming out in pain. The whole song sounded way too high for his range, and he was all over the place with the vocals and notes. Now lets talk about the songs meaning, because Lee stripped it of any and made the song lose all of its soul. Honestly, it sounded like it was from a show called "Beatles Go Grunge." And then, just when you thought it couldnt get any more embarassing, out came ......... a bagpiper????
Yes, an odd man in a kilt marched down the stairs playing THE MOST ANNOYING SOUNDING INSTRUMENT ON THE PLANET, the bagpipes. During Hey Jude. On American Idol. Why? Nobody knows. And then the combination of Lee's screaching voice combined with the loud bagpipe sound, and it all went to hell from there. Okay, deeper into hell. The only phrase I was left with when this was finally over was What.the.F**k??!!!!!??!!
I have no idea who is going home. Based on that travesty of a performance, I think Lee should. However; based on my overall hatred of the performers, Id like to see The Child or Davy Jones Smiley-Face go home. But I never get what I want on this show. If I did, Seacrest would truly be OUT, and replaced by an ironing board, or anything else with more relevance than Seacrest.
David Archuletta performs tonight on the results show. Yeah. I think Ill be busy scratching out my pupils.
American Idol Review - The "Sucky Miley Cyrus Episode"
So Im going to start writing fun reviews of the IDOL episodes on here. Why? Because Its enjoyable to mock all the bad on the show, and also great to take ANY opportunity to slam Ryan Seacrest more publically than I already have. My hatred for him knows no bounds.
But lets be honest. The real reason I love watching this show is for the raw talent that comes along every once in awhile and surprises you. This year, for me, its Crystal Bowersox. I know this because of the most simple thing: EVERYTIME she starts her performance, my husband and I CRANK our tv volume. Yes, she seems to exude stank feet and B.O. and other classic hippy qualities right through the tv screen, but thats part of her charm. She knows exactly who she is, and shes amazingly talented.
So we begin. Last night the episode started by scaring the living crap out of me. All the contestants were lined up on the stage as if they were being held hostage, and then a GIGANTIC MOVIE SCREEN SEACREST HEAD appeared behind them, barking out his usual drivel that always ends with the annoying "THISSS................ Is American Idol!!!!!" (followed by that annoying music that my husband imitates frighteningly well.)
Just when I thought things couldnt possibly get any worse than a Max Headrum-like Seacrest across my tv screen in HD, they did. Because at that moment, Seacrest announced that the "guest mentor" tonight would be Miley Cyrus. The words kept piercing my soul like O.J.s knife ...guest. mentor. Miley. MENTOR!!!??!!! I know its for ratings and for young dumb pre-teen kids, but cmon now, have they finally lost their minds? In what way is Miley Cyrus a MENTOR? What the hell is she going to teach these people? She is HANNAH MONTANA for Christ Sakes. And never mind her singing voice's mediocrity, have you heard the girl SPEAK? She has one of the most irritating voices Ive ever heard. I really wanted to throw myself out my 3rd story apartment window everytime she came on, but Im too fat to fit through the screen. So instead, I watched ....
The tension between Simon and Seacrest is getting worse. And yes, I do think its real, because I can FEEL Simons contempt and anger toward Ryan. I feel it because I have that same anger. One of my favorite moments last night was when Ryan got a bit too close and Simon shooed him away like a pet dog:"Stay. Stay. Now sit. Good boy." So condescendingly funny. And speaking of Simon, anyone else noticing that anytime there is a camera shot of him, KARA is also in it like a tiny little insect in the corner? She is a big ole horndog this season. First she practically mentally rapes contestant Casey James during auditons and the first couple episodes ever, and now she is all over Simon every night, draping her whole body around his every chance she gets. Her FACE is right next to his all the time, and their chairs get closer and closer with each camera shot. It looks like Randy and Ellen are seated in a different stratosphere altogether. I dont know what it is about Kara, but I dont like her. Wait, I do know what it is. Shes annoying, and she resembles a cross-eyed Muppet.
Now, onto the mostly awful performances and "mentoring" Miley:
1. LEE DEWYZE: Sang The Letter. Through most of his performance, he looked like he was going into cardiac arrest or moments from a stroke with all the flailing about and such, but I did think it was a pretty good choice of song for him and I have to say I liked the version musically. His voice sounded good and it wasnt awful. But Im not pickin up the phone for that. Well, I dont pick up the phone for any of em honestly, but lets just say hypothetically that I DID vote, I wouldnt vote for him.
2. PAIGE MILES: Or, as I like to call her, "Ole Bug Eyes." Seriously, Im at the point now where I just automatically fast -forward her on my DVR (does anyone really watch this show live??? If you do, youre nuts to sit through commercials and endless boring Seacrest after-performance ego-banter) So, I fast forwarded her like usual, until I heard all the hilarious comments from the judges about how AWFUL she was. So of course I had to go back and hear for myself. Let me just say the combination of the horrific Phil Collins song "Against All Odds" and her singing it in about 19 different keys, each one being off-pitch, was mind-boggling. For the love of pitch, send this chick home already.
3. TIM URBAN: This kids mere floppy hairdo existance pisses me off. I dont even know why really. I think he was put here to annoy me. Anyway, he sang Queens Crazy Little Thing Called Love. My husband and I kept singing it with him with new lyrics "this thing...called votes...it keeps me here... I suck...cant sing... but girls...they keep me here...crazy that Im on this show..." All the slip sliding on the stage and the hand-grabs with the dummies in the audience, what was that about? Ick. So cheesy cheesy cheesy. I felt like I was watching Davy Jones performing at Marcia Bradys prom. Yuck.
4. AARON KELLY: Okay, remember when I said that Tim Urbans mere existance pissed me off? Yeah, well, strike that. The fact that Aaron Kelly lives pisses me off more. When Ellen said "what are you in the 3rd grade?" that was very funny. He looks like he is eleven, and grins stupidly ALL THE TIME. And Im sorry, but watching a child sing Aerosmiths Dont Wanna Miss A Thing is just extremely silly. I CANNOT take it seriously. And by the way, what the F was he wearing with the collars and sleeves from 1974? I have no idea why they liked this performance. It was retarded.
5. CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Turn up the volume, Crystal is singin Janis. There really are no words for how good this performance was and how incredibly naturally gifted this girl is. Just listen to her. Shes magnetic and just, well, awesome.
6. MICHAEL LYNCH: I think hes a close second to Crystal. I would LOVE to see a Crystal/Michael finale. His voice ... like buttah.
7. ANDREW GARCIA: First of all, he still looks like a giant walking loaf of bread to me. And secondly, can we PLEASE stop talking about his goddamn version of Paula Abduls "Straight Up?" Seriously, they bring it up on EVERY episode. Enough. Yes, it was very creative, it was his moment, but its been over for almost a month now and he hasnt done anything else worth talking about since then. The reality is that he is a good, talented performer who got lost in the Top 12 and isnt standing out anymore. Lets all move on. Oh,and while rehearsing with his MENTOR Miley, he kept forgetting the words to Heard It Through the Grapevine. Really? Im sorry, but thats just sad. These kids are always forgetting lyrics to songs that have the simplest lyrics on earth. Gee, Im surprised that the genius Miley Cyrus couldnt help him with that problem. Or any problem. She was pointless.
8. KATIE STEVENS: Eh. Im tired of them telling her to be younger. What do they want her to do, show up in a diaper and sing Daddys Little Girl? In any case, Im really bored with her. She DOES come across like a Beauty Pagent Contestant and although she has a really nice voice, its really unoriginal and I cant see ever buying her albums. She sang Fergie's ....eh...does it really even matter? Yawn.
9. CASEY JAMES: Ill give this one about a B+. I really like him, and not just because hes beyond cute in the same way Brad Pitt was beyond cute in "Thelma and Louise" all those years ago, but because his voice is really good. And because he is really very cute. And good. And by that I mean cute.
10. DIDI BENAMI: Hmmm. I go back and forth with her. I think her voice is so unique and sometimes fantastic. Then other times, like on this song, it just sounds all over the place. I hope she stays though because she has a lot of talent and is waay less annoying than some of these other twerps.
11. SIOBHAN MAGNUS: Sigh. Okay. I know everyones making a huge deal about how great she is, and how unique and different, and she is. Really. But, as Kara says "heres the thing..." The first time she did that scream/piercingly high note at the end of a song, it was very impressive and organic. It felt like it belonged in the song, and it sounded incredible. The second time she did it, it felt forced and pushed, and like "where the hell did THAT come from?" It was unnecessary. The third time she did that note, last night, it made me want to punch her in the face repeatedly until her silly, too large glasses fall off her weirdly shaped head. Seriously. Its enough already with the high note. We get it. You can sing Mariah-style at the drop of a hat. Its just not that impressive or appealing when you do it in EVERY SONG. Aside form that, I thought her performance of Superstition was actually quite good. I love her voice and she is wonderful at giving the audience something different each time. Sometimes the whole quirkyness thing feels a little bit pushed to me though.
And there you have it. How was Miley Cyrus as a mentor? She sucked. I cant name one thing she said to those people that had any value whatsoever. She basically gave them lots of generic advice like "Yeah you sound great, just believe in yourself more and youll be golden!" or "Wow youre really good. Just go out there and dont suck as much as me and youll be great!" Okay, that was actually good advice.
Who is going home? Well, hopefully itll be between Ole Bug Eyes Paige and Tweedle Dork and Tweedle Dorkier (Tim and Aaron.) Or the loaf of bread. Its hard to say.
But lets be honest. The real reason I love watching this show is for the raw talent that comes along every once in awhile and surprises you. This year, for me, its Crystal Bowersox. I know this because of the most simple thing: EVERYTIME she starts her performance, my husband and I CRANK our tv volume. Yes, she seems to exude stank feet and B.O. and other classic hippy qualities right through the tv screen, but thats part of her charm. She knows exactly who she is, and shes amazingly talented.
So we begin. Last night the episode started by scaring the living crap out of me. All the contestants were lined up on the stage as if they were being held hostage, and then a GIGANTIC MOVIE SCREEN SEACREST HEAD appeared behind them, barking out his usual drivel that always ends with the annoying "THISSS................ Is American Idol!!!!!" (followed by that annoying music that my husband imitates frighteningly well.)
Just when I thought things couldnt possibly get any worse than a Max Headrum-like Seacrest across my tv screen in HD, they did. Because at that moment, Seacrest announced that the "guest mentor" tonight would be Miley Cyrus. The words kept piercing my soul like O.J.s knife ...guest. mentor. Miley. MENTOR!!!??!!! I know its for ratings and for young dumb pre-teen kids, but cmon now, have they finally lost their minds? In what way is Miley Cyrus a MENTOR? What the hell is she going to teach these people? She is HANNAH MONTANA for Christ Sakes. And never mind her singing voice's mediocrity, have you heard the girl SPEAK? She has one of the most irritating voices Ive ever heard. I really wanted to throw myself out my 3rd story apartment window everytime she came on, but Im too fat to fit through the screen. So instead, I watched ....
The tension between Simon and Seacrest is getting worse. And yes, I do think its real, because I can FEEL Simons contempt and anger toward Ryan. I feel it because I have that same anger. One of my favorite moments last night was when Ryan got a bit too close and Simon shooed him away like a pet dog:"Stay. Stay. Now sit. Good boy." So condescendingly funny. And speaking of Simon, anyone else noticing that anytime there is a camera shot of him, KARA is also in it like a tiny little insect in the corner? She is a big ole horndog this season. First she practically mentally rapes contestant Casey James during auditons and the first couple episodes ever, and now she is all over Simon every night, draping her whole body around his every chance she gets. Her FACE is right next to his all the time, and their chairs get closer and closer with each camera shot. It looks like Randy and Ellen are seated in a different stratosphere altogether. I dont know what it is about Kara, but I dont like her. Wait, I do know what it is. Shes annoying, and she resembles a cross-eyed Muppet.
Now, onto the mostly awful performances and "mentoring" Miley:
1. LEE DEWYZE: Sang The Letter. Through most of his performance, he looked like he was going into cardiac arrest or moments from a stroke with all the flailing about and such, but I did think it was a pretty good choice of song for him and I have to say I liked the version musically. His voice sounded good and it wasnt awful. But Im not pickin up the phone for that. Well, I dont pick up the phone for any of em honestly, but lets just say hypothetically that I DID vote, I wouldnt vote for him.
2. PAIGE MILES: Or, as I like to call her, "Ole Bug Eyes." Seriously, Im at the point now where I just automatically fast -forward her on my DVR (does anyone really watch this show live??? If you do, youre nuts to sit through commercials and endless boring Seacrest after-performance ego-banter) So, I fast forwarded her like usual, until I heard all the hilarious comments from the judges about how AWFUL she was. So of course I had to go back and hear for myself. Let me just say the combination of the horrific Phil Collins song "Against All Odds" and her singing it in about 19 different keys, each one being off-pitch, was mind-boggling. For the love of pitch, send this chick home already.
3. TIM URBAN: This kids mere floppy hairdo existance pisses me off. I dont even know why really. I think he was put here to annoy me. Anyway, he sang Queens Crazy Little Thing Called Love. My husband and I kept singing it with him with new lyrics "this thing...called votes...it keeps me here... I suck...cant sing... but girls...they keep me here...crazy that Im on this show..." All the slip sliding on the stage and the hand-grabs with the dummies in the audience, what was that about? Ick. So cheesy cheesy cheesy. I felt like I was watching Davy Jones performing at Marcia Bradys prom. Yuck.
4. AARON KELLY: Okay, remember when I said that Tim Urbans mere existance pissed me off? Yeah, well, strike that. The fact that Aaron Kelly lives pisses me off more. When Ellen said "what are you in the 3rd grade?" that was very funny. He looks like he is eleven, and grins stupidly ALL THE TIME. And Im sorry, but watching a child sing Aerosmiths Dont Wanna Miss A Thing is just extremely silly. I CANNOT take it seriously. And by the way, what the F was he wearing with the collars and sleeves from 1974? I have no idea why they liked this performance. It was retarded.
5. CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Turn up the volume, Crystal is singin Janis. There really are no words for how good this performance was and how incredibly naturally gifted this girl is. Just listen to her. Shes magnetic and just, well, awesome.
6. MICHAEL LYNCH: I think hes a close second to Crystal. I would LOVE to see a Crystal/Michael finale. His voice ... like buttah.
7. ANDREW GARCIA: First of all, he still looks like a giant walking loaf of bread to me. And secondly, can we PLEASE stop talking about his goddamn version of Paula Abduls "Straight Up?" Seriously, they bring it up on EVERY episode. Enough. Yes, it was very creative, it was his moment, but its been over for almost a month now and he hasnt done anything else worth talking about since then. The reality is that he is a good, talented performer who got lost in the Top 12 and isnt standing out anymore. Lets all move on. Oh,and while rehearsing with his MENTOR Miley, he kept forgetting the words to Heard It Through the Grapevine. Really? Im sorry, but thats just sad. These kids are always forgetting lyrics to songs that have the simplest lyrics on earth. Gee, Im surprised that the genius Miley Cyrus couldnt help him with that problem. Or any problem. She was pointless.
8. KATIE STEVENS: Eh. Im tired of them telling her to be younger. What do they want her to do, show up in a diaper and sing Daddys Little Girl? In any case, Im really bored with her. She DOES come across like a Beauty Pagent Contestant and although she has a really nice voice, its really unoriginal and I cant see ever buying her albums. She sang Fergie's ....eh...does it really even matter? Yawn.
9. CASEY JAMES: Ill give this one about a B+. I really like him, and not just because hes beyond cute in the same way Brad Pitt was beyond cute in "Thelma and Louise" all those years ago, but because his voice is really good. And because he is really very cute. And good. And by that I mean cute.
10. DIDI BENAMI: Hmmm. I go back and forth with her. I think her voice is so unique and sometimes fantastic. Then other times, like on this song, it just sounds all over the place. I hope she stays though because she has a lot of talent and is waay less annoying than some of these other twerps.
11. SIOBHAN MAGNUS: Sigh. Okay. I know everyones making a huge deal about how great she is, and how unique and different, and she is. Really. But, as Kara says "heres the thing..." The first time she did that scream/piercingly high note at the end of a song, it was very impressive and organic. It felt like it belonged in the song, and it sounded incredible. The second time she did it, it felt forced and pushed, and like "where the hell did THAT come from?" It was unnecessary. The third time she did that note, last night, it made me want to punch her in the face repeatedly until her silly, too large glasses fall off her weirdly shaped head. Seriously. Its enough already with the high note. We get it. You can sing Mariah-style at the drop of a hat. Its just not that impressive or appealing when you do it in EVERY SONG. Aside form that, I thought her performance of Superstition was actually quite good. I love her voice and she is wonderful at giving the audience something different each time. Sometimes the whole quirkyness thing feels a little bit pushed to me though.
And there you have it. How was Miley Cyrus as a mentor? She sucked. I cant name one thing she said to those people that had any value whatsoever. She basically gave them lots of generic advice like "Yeah you sound great, just believe in yourself more and youll be golden!" or "Wow youre really good. Just go out there and dont suck as much as me and youll be great!" Okay, that was actually good advice.
Who is going home? Well, hopefully itll be between Ole Bug Eyes Paige and Tweedle Dork and Tweedle Dorkier (Tim and Aaron.) Or the loaf of bread. Its hard to say.
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