AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW - The "Mentor Who Mentors" Episode

Okay, so I will start out by admitting that I have always had a HUGE crush on Harry Connick Jr. Ever since he did the soundtrack for one of my favorite movies ever, "When Harry Met Sally" back in my high school days, he has been the cutest, most talented, funniest, dorkiest, cutest (I know, I already said that) man alive. Oh, and his voice ...its like buttah. Plus it doesnt hurt that he plays piano AND has amazing comic timing. So when I heard that he would be the guest mentor on this weeks episode, I immediately got excited. I also had high expectations for what he would do, and he did not disappoint.

Not only did Connick mentor the contestants by giving them sound advice and great musical suggestions, he also composed and arranged ALL of the songs to fit each Idol singers personality, and then played piano as backup in the live show along with several members of his big band. The results were incredible. Musically, this was one of my favorite episodes of Idol ever. It was such a blast watching Connick work and seeing his passion up there on the stage. He also managed to make me like the performances of almost every contestant - despite the fact that I dont like every contestant. Best of all, Connick actually made a dent with his mentoring abilities. Unlike past mentors such as Miley Cyrus and Alicia Keys, who both pretty much said the same thing over and over again to every single person; ("you need to really FEEL the song"), Harry seemed to actually know that Lee needs different direction than Mike; and so on and so on..........

Let us begin. Seacrest once again comes down the stairs to that dramatic Idol theme song. And despite all my many prayers for him to please fall down that staircase, it still hasnt happened. This week, when he got to the bottom of those steps, he looked at Harry, who then announced Ryan's line "THIS .....is AMERICAN IDOL!" You could tell that Seacrest died a little bit inside.

Then - dramatic music - and then, Seacrest came down the stairs again, for a second time. What the f**k? What did he do, run back up to the top just so he could walk down AGAIN and this time have ALL eyes on him and only him? Such a camera whore.

At this point, we were introduced to the judges, and to the buttoned-down shirt of Simon, whose hairy chest was prominantly featured. Also featured were the songs of Frank Sinatra, and sitting in the audience was Sinatra's two creepy-esque odd-looking daughters, who unexplainably presented Simon with one of Frank's initialed handkerchiefs. Great. The snot-rag of a dead legend. Just what he's always wanted Im sure.

Then came the performances--


THE CHILD: Fly Me to The Moon.

The Child was once again up first, so that he could still make it to bed nice and early while his mommy reads him a bedtime story. You know, the mommy he creepily sang about last week with a romantic tune. Everything on this kid is gigantic. His ears are huge. His fingers. His eyebrows. Even the microphone looks like one of those big toy microphones that you give to kids or that you hold while singing kareoke. He looked bizarre in his suit/vest combo. Once again, he appeared as some tiny kid who was playing dress up on a pretend show and singing a pretend song with lyrics that he knows nothing about and has never experienced. He sounded really okay ... good actually ... but I just cannot get over his childlike appearance and demeanor. With each lyric he sang, and everytime he crooned "anotherwords, I love you...." I justkept picturing him saying those words to his mommy as she tucked him into bed at night and turned on his Snoopy nightlight. But hey, what do I know? The judges seem to enjoy him, and the stupid little girls seem to LOVE the kid. At this point, my FEAR is that he will be in the (gasp) Final Two. Let's just not talk about it and pretend it's not happening.


CASEY: Blue Skies.

Oh Casey. Dear, sweet Casey. Cute Casey in your adorable purple shirt and your newish beardlike-beard growing in. I am so sorry to report that I truly think youll be going home tonight. You just looked so very awkward up there, like someone threw you onto the stage and demanded that you sing Sinatra or die. "SING IT KID! OR I MURDER YOUR FAMILY!" I actually felt kind of bad for him when the judges all told him how badly he sucked it one by one. I hate to see him go, but Its happening, I know it. Poor Casey. I still think youre cute, but after Harry Connick, youre nothing to me now. NOTHING!!!!!


Awkward Seacrest Moment: In between acts, the "out to prove that I know everyone in Hollywood" Seacrest introduced Anthony Hopkins, who was sitting in the audience. Hopkins looked like he wanted to eat his face off, Hanibal Lector style. I wish he would have.


CRYSTAL: Summer Wind.

The judges werent overly excited about this performance, but I strongly disagree. I think Crystal's version of this song was gorgeous, and most of all, passionate and emotional. It was obvious the song meant something to her, and she delivered it with such interesting and beautiful phrasing. She also looked like she stepped right out of that era, which I find amazing. The woman can sing anything you throw at her. I loved it.



MIKE: The Way You Look Tonight.

Simply put, I love his voice. Its so pure and soft and powerful and bluesy and soulful, all at once.
I thougth he was truly in his element here, and looked like he totally belonged up there. And Harrys arrangement was fantastic. Im still hoping and praying for my dream Crystal/Mike Finale.


"What the F**k" Moment: Who the hell was that random guy RUNNING away and out of stageview when they came back from commercial? Its like something sinister was going on during break, and then he quickly ran off so noone would notice.


LEE: That's Life.

Well, just when I was all set to hate him again, he goes and gives a pretty kickass performance. I cant make up my mind about this dude. One week he sounds like a cheese grater is stuck in his throat, and the next he is damn good. He doesnt have my favorite kind of voice, I think thats what it comes down to. So sometimes he sounds like crap to me, and other times, when the songs right, he sounds good on it. In this episode, with this great arrangement, he sounded good. Really good. But I still felt like he was stoned and drunk - I felt like I was at a wedding and some drunk weird guy got up and grabbed the mic and started randomly singing. Yet, somehow, it worked.


So, to sum up: Seacrest still sucks. Simon is hairy. Kara still looks like a Muppet. Ellen is an elf. Randy is pointless. Casey is going home. Nothing incredibly funny happened on this episode. The Child might win it all, and then I shall cry.

Your thoughts?

AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW -The "Crash this TWAIN into a Truck because this is the blandest Episode Ever" Episode

Holy Shania! I would have written this review sooner, but I just woke up from my nap. Normally I have all kinds of trouble sleeping, but this episode of Idol was so bland and uninteresting (just like Shania Twain), that I had no problem at all.

Seacrest opened the show by giving the six remaining contestants cutesy introductions: "A salesman -- a glassblower --- an absentee father ---- a painter --- a joker --- a smoker --- a lover--- a fighter --- and me; an Asshole. I'm Ryan Seacrest, and THIS ---- is American Idol!!!!"

Then he introduced us to the judges, and that frightening thing around Kara's neck.

And then he announced that the Idol hopefuls would be mentored by Shania Twain (yawn), AND that they would be singing her songs. (really?) I will admit Im not a country fan, so Im probably biast, but I do like some country. Real country. Old-school country, like Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton, Johny Cash, etc etc. I am not a fan of most modern country. But even more, I am soooooo not a fan of Shania Twain. In fact, I will go so far as to say I hate her music. I find it boring, shallow, meaningless, and lacking of all soul. Basically, shes a cute girl who makes sexy videos and nothing more. Her songs are terrible. So to hear that the Idols would be singing her songs only made me incredibly frustRATED (as Simon says.) I just kept thinking "Oh wow, Im going to hate everyone tonight." And honestly, I wasnt too far off. Sitting through this episode was a bit like watching one hour of different people getting up onstage and scraping their nails on a chalkboard, and then having someone go "Okay, so which one did you like best?" Well, they ALL were terribly uncomfortable and BAD because its nails on a chalkboard. But, if youre going to demand I give you an answer as to who was best at that, well then I guess Ill go with Crystal, Casey and Mike. So lets begin .....



LEE: Youre Still the One. The judges liked this for some reason. I, on the other hand, thought he sounded like a dump truck driving down a dirt road and constantly shifting gears; using a stick shift. It sounded to me like he was singing 5 different songs and kept changing keys. Very weird, not pleasant, and a little bit ear-piercing. I did not enjoy this performance at ALL. And when Randy said its one of the greatest written songs of all time, I sort of wanted to puke. No. Its an overplayed mess of a cheesy song that about 4 million people have used as their wedding song. Actually, the only time I hear this song is at a cheesy wedding, or at the dentist office. This is dentist office music. Yuck.

MIKE: It Only Hurts When I Breathe. Okay. I thought he did a lovely job with this song, but again, didnt like the song. At all. Sitting through this episode was painful, but Mikes performance was one of the least offensive ones in a night full of crap. And then Simon called it "wet." Okay Simon. Sure.

CASEY: Don't. As in, don't ever leave my tv screen you sexy man. He wore his hair down tonight which I quite enjoy. His hair really DOES glisten in the stagelights, Im not joking. Look at it next time. His performance was nice as well, but again, the song sucked.


CRYSTAL: Noone Needs to Know. I liked the jam feel of her performance, and it was really the only one that felt "country" to me. I liked that she chose a song with a bit of a bluesy, happy feel.

Kara's "answering her own Question" moment: Kara always does this. She asks and then answers her own questions. She did it with Crystal and she does it all the time. "Did I like it? Yes I did. Was it your best performance? No." See a shrink lady.


THE CHILD: You Got A Way. For some unknown reason, the judges went absolutely apeshit over this performance, as if it were the most wondrous thing they have ever heard in their lives. Ummm, he was offkey and sounded horrible and shaky. And once again ---that song is waaay too serious for an 8 year old. The way you hold me, love me, etc etc .... and then the topper. He says "I was singing about my mom." Well, let me just say on behalf of all humans everywhere .... Eeeewwww!!! Your MOM? Are you kidding me? That song is clearly a love song, he had to take OUT the phrase "making love to you" so he could make it about his MOM. They all went on and on about how "sincere" he was. Ummm, yeah, of course he was sincere. He was singing to his MOMMY!!! He is a freakin child singing to his mommy. Somebody please get this kid off the stage immediately. Im starting to get really worried that hes going to be around in the final four. Or two. Or ONE. Really. Its a concern.


SIOBAN: Any Man of Mine. They went mental over her as well, and I dont get why. Once again, I found her screaming note at the end to be forced and phony, and not at all coming from a real place. It felt like it didnt fit with the song. And the whole thing felt so kareoke to me. The weird outfit from 1984, the kneesocks, the white, and her whacked out hair again. And those nutty eyes of hers. I swear she murders people at night. She cuts them with her sharp teeth and then stares at them with those creepy big eyes and screams long-winded notes into their ears until they beg to be killed.

Thats sort of how I felt tonight through this entire episode. I just wanted it to end already. Make it stop. Please.

American Idol Review - The "Elvis Sits up from Grave to scream 'WTF?' " Episode

Well IDOL lovers; it is time yet again for another write-up of tonight's happenings. Here we go ....

Bring on the dead!!! What better way to top Lennon/McCartney Week, than to continue to stomp on the memories of legends, who cannot fight back? Thats right folks; tonight was Elvis Presley night. And who better to mentor on behalf of The King than .... last year's non-winner Adam Lambert??? Yes. I know that whenever I think of Elvis, I immediately think ADAM LAMBERT!!! Don't you? Doesn't everyone??? What the hell does Adam Lambert have to do with Elvis? Oh well. At least it wasn't Miley Cyrus again. Let's move on.

Tonight's episode begins once again with an overdramatic Seacrest coming down a set of stairs, while surrounded by what seems to be a beam or HALO of light from above. He descended downward the stairway from Heaven, where he then met with his minions here on earth ...the contestants. At this point, Seacrest inexplicably started high-fiving some random girl in the audience, while simultaneously and embarassingly shouting at her "Wasup? Wasup? Wasupppp?" At this point, we are about 3 minutes into the show and I am already highly annoyed and out for Seacrest blood. And then it got weird. He proceeded to go into the crowd, and introduce Lambert, whom he then sat next to in a way-too-close manner. The two exchanged pleasantries about Lambert's album, how he enjoyed mentoring, and most importantly, whose tongue was more talented. I think Seacrest had a boner.

Then, after flirting like the gayboy he is with Adam Lambert, Seacrest sat next to his weird Mommy in the audience and had her introduce one of the acts. Not sure what the point of this was, other than to melt the audiences heartstrings, like "Awwww, Seacrest has a mom!!!!!" It didnt work. At all. Now I STILL hate you, and I kinda hate your mom for birthing you.

There were more awkward Seacrest moments, but for now, let's get right to the performances:

1. BOWERSOX: I am just calling her Bowersox from now on. Deal with it. Sox chose the song "Saved" which is one of Elvis's lesser known gospel-bluesy numbers. I love her just for choosing this song that noone even knows, and I love her ten times more for killin it on the electric guitar, and twenty times more than that for her kick-ass rockin voice. Again. Bowersox is just plain awesome, and like every week, I found myself cranking up the volume while she sang. And really, it kind of went downhill from there. Or at the very least, it flatlined .......



Next up; Ryan asked "What happens when Andrew rocks Elvis?" The answer to that is nothing. Nothing at all happens, except for another mediocre unmemorable performance ...

2. LOAF OF BREAD: (Andrew Garcia) Sang "Hounddog." Well, he "crooned" it with a 1940s style microphone and a very strange rendition that was sooooo slow and almost sounded like he was talking. "Youuuuuuuu aint. nothin. butttt. a . hounddddd. doggggggggg." Every syllable was somehow five syllables and every word was stretched out into eternity. This song seemed like eternity. Not fun. The loaf of bread is starting to get on my nerves now. Oh, and Simon was right, so STOP booing everytime the man speaks.

DUMB SEACREST COMMENT: After the Loaf performed, Seacrest asked this brilliant question to Simon:"Now why is it that you and Ellen see things differently?" Ummmm, gee, I dunno ... it's called A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION, you idiot!!!! Is he really shocked that all the judges dont agree? He always acts shocked and has to ask them to analyze everything so he can get even more ego-air-time.


3. TIM URBAN: Sigh. Seacrest introduced Tim by referring to him as "TURBAN." I honestly wanted to stab him through my television set somehow. This was the last straw. Really Ryan? Turban? Stop trying to create some cool, hip nickname for Tim by meshing his first and last name together. He isn't J-Lo or Brangelina. He is just TIM. He is not even close to cool enough to be worthy of a nickname. And even if he was, Turban certainly would not be the top choice.

So, Turban sang "Cant Help Falling In Love With You", and the way he pronounced the words "falling" like "faahhhhhllling" and "surely" like "shirley" really got on my nerves. Other than that, I really really really really really really really really really wanted to make fun of this performance, but in the end, it wasnt half bad. Now, Im not going to go and get all orgasmic about it like the judges do everytime this kid does the simplest thing ... but it was pretty good.

KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "That was very authentic, and also very real." Authentic and real mean the same damn thing, you moron.

4. LEE: I keep forgetting his last name, and who gives a shit. He did one of my favorite Elvis tunes "A Little Less Conversation". Great song, great choice for him, and really strong vocals. I thought he did a nice job with this, but wow, this kid ALWAYS looks stoned out of his mind. Just an observation.

Kara, however, thought his voice was "FIRE." That's her latest thing now. Everything is "fire" with her.



5. THE CHILD: (Aaron Kelly) In the rehearsal clips, The Child looked like he was about 6 yrs old standing next to Adam. Hilarious. I really really really really really wanted to make fun of this song too, so I will. "Blue Suede Shoes", sung by a 6year old. Interesting. Nothing he does can be taken seriously. I just keep picturing him eating cookies and drinking a tall glass of milk.

KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "You seemed younger tonight." Younger???? YOUNGER???? Is she on crack? Younger than what? HE's FIVE!!! How freakin young do you want him to be??? Freak.


6. SIOBHAN: I dont know if thats how you spell her damn name. Don't care. Its a stupid spelling of a stupid name. Im growing tired of her, and her hair is disturbing. She performed "Suspicious Minds" - another fave of mine - and although parts of it were nice - thats the problem. It was all a bit too nice for me. That song is dirty and bluesy and rockin. She sang it all a bit to controlled and cover band-ish. Also, it felt like she was singing three different songs/styles. It was all over the place.


WEIRD SEACREST COMMENT: When talking about the upcoming special IDOL GIVES BACK, Seacrest said that the host for the West Coast airing of that show would be Brian Dunkelman, then he took it back as a joke. Hmmmm, thats sort of mean-spirited dont you think? Poor Dunkelman is sitting at home broke as all hell, no ties to Idol left for him, and you cant even throw him a bone? You gotta mock him on national tv? Very odd.

7. MIKE LYNCH: "In The Ghetto." Okay, hold the phone. THIS is THE Elvis song .... I thought Mike's version was really relevant, heartbreaking, and hit on all the right notes. Im so glad they saved him, and I still think the top 2 should be him and Crystal. His voice ..... its like buttah.


8. KATIE BORING STEVENS: She did some sort of bluesy Elvis tune, which was a great song, but she somehow turned it vanilla again. She is trying, and I give her that. Her voice is very strong, pleasant, pretty ... all good things. I just wouldnt buy her album, and she does nothing for me on an excitment level. I always feel like Im watching the talent portion of a Beauty Pagent with her.


9. CASEY: Bluesy. Sexy. Hot! Mysterious. Gorgeous.
Oh, and the song wasn't half bad either. (rimshot)
He is so damn cute.


I think the Loaf of Bread should go home, but once again, Im perfectly happy to get rid of Tim, The Child, or the Bore Stevens too. Any of them leave, Im not complainin.