AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW -The "Has Simon EVER seen a Movie?" Episode

Well, it's Movie Week, folks. So of course we begin the show with Seacrest walking through the final four, as we are forced to stare at giant movie screen versions of each of their creepy faces. This left me screaming out loud in my seat, and vowing to never see Michael Lynch or Lee Dwyze in a motion picture. They both have frighteningly large noggins that should never appear on a large screen.

Seacrest then said his repetitively annoying catch phrase of "THIS .............is American Idol!", but they attempted to choreograph the final 4 all turning their heads at the same time after the word THIS. It was supposed to be for dramatic effect, but since they apparently couldnt handle the simple act of turning their heads at the exact same time, it was instead an epic fail.

Then, just in case you still dont know who Ryan Seacrest is, he reminded you by saying "My name's Ryan Seacrest." Is it? Because I didnt know that. So thanks for explaining to me who you are again. God forbid we go five seconds without Seacrest plugging himself and his enormous ego. Its ALL about you, Ryan. Don't ever forget that.

The judges were introduced, and for some odd reason, Ellen was dressed in layers and a large scarf as if braving for a blizzard. Kara, on the other hand, had false eyelashes and massive amounts of glitter on her eyelids. Im pretty sure she was sent over in a Delorian from 1986. Simon wore his usual garb, and Randy is still pointless, and made no impact on anyone.

This Weeks Theme: Songs from The Movies. And as Saecrest pointed out, who better to help out for this category than Jamie Foxx? Well, honestly, I can probably think of a LOT of people I would have chosen over him, but that's a whole other story. I will just say that Jamie Foxx annoys me. He comes across as pompous to me, always has. Many times, Ive heard him refer to himself in first person, like "Mr. Foxx likes that!" or something equally as weird. The man's never done anything to me and I dont know him personally, but he rubs me the wrong way. Mr. Foxx gets on my nerves.

Nevertheless, he was the mentor, and he brought t-shirts for the final four to help motivate them. One said CONTESTANT and the other said ARTIST. The idea was you had to earn your Artist title, even though he pretty much gave it to everyone anyway. I think he should have had more options to choose from, such as: STONED OUT OF MY MIND, I HAVE AN ENORMOUS HEAD, AMERICAN IDOL TOOK MOST OF THE YELLOW OUT OF MY TEETH, and MY HAIR GLISTENS IN THE MOONLIGHT. For a fun home-game, you can guess which t-shirt belongs to which player.

And now, onto the performances:

THE CHILD: Oh wait ... there IS no child!!! HA HA HA!!! Imagine my giddiness when it was announced that The Child would be sent packing last week, even though for the first time in his 7 year life, he DIDNT suck on his song performance. But it didnt matter! He still went home! Bye bye child! Enjoy your time home with mommy. I hope youre allowed to stay up late and watch your cute little friends. Aww.. the only negative here is that I can no longer mock him, and mocking him is such fun. I will need to find a way to continue this hobby of The Child Mocking, even though he is Idol-no-more....

LEE DWYZE: Kiss From A Rose / From the Motion Picture "Batman Forever"

Eh. Where to start? Ill go back to what I always say about this kid. He looks high. And bored. Yes, he looks bored by his own self while singing. He looks like he is going to fall asleep at any minute, and like he wont make it to the next note without falling over of exhaustion. I dont know what it is about this guy, but he just always seems about 5 steps behind of whatever is happening on EARTH. Also, much like Danny Gokey of last year, this dude is off-key and has major pitch issues a LOT, and yet noone cares or hears it. I dont get it. He sounded way off to me. I like what he is about, what hes going for, but he never seems to succeed at it in my eyes. I know everybody loves him and he will probably end up in the top 2, but I personally dont get too excited over him. As far as the song choice, I like this song, and I LOVE Seal's voice and version of it. So that made it hard to judge too, because noone will ever sound as beautiful as Seal does on this song. Lee was average at best, didnt do much with it, and it was pretty forgetful overall.

Lee's DUH Comment: "I came across this song and uh...I said uh...I enjoy singing it and so...Im gonna sing it." Wow really? That is very deep Lee. Thank you for sharing that part of your soul with us.



MICHAEL LYNCH: I Will Be There / From the Motion Picture "Free Willy"

Free Willy? Really? Thats your choice out of all the songs in the universe from all the wonderful, Oscar winning, amazing films out there, and you choose Free Willy? Okay then. It took me half the song to get over the fact that he chose this dumb song about a stupid whale from a dumbass silly movie, but once I did, I listened and Mike had some good vocals goin on. Nothing spectacular of course, but way better than Snoozeboy Pothead.

Simon's "Im Completely Out of Touch" Comment #1: "I have no idea what FREE WILLY is. Is it about a whale? Or a willy?"




LEE - CRYSTAL DUET: Falling / from Motion Picture "Once"

I can honestly say I never in a million years thought that I would want to hear or see these two people singing together. I figured it would be a trainwreck. But you know what? This was probably my favorite performance of the night, along with the second duet. Their voices somehow unexpectedly meshed, and I love the song, and it just sounded really good. I would download that. As far as the whole face to face guitar playing thing, that was a bit strange. Kind of artsy and cool, but also a bit stalkerish. I hope Crystal brushed her yellow teeth and that Lee had some breath mints after his gallon of pot. And now that we are on the subject of TOO CLOSE SINGING , what was up with Jamie Foxx getting in all the mens faces and making them sing to him and SEDUCE him? That was bizarre, and probably just some sort of excuse for Mr. Foxx to get his rocks off. Weirdo.


CASEY JAMES: Mrs. Robinson / from the Motion Picture "The Graduate"

Loved the mandolin. Liked the song choice for him. Hey, at least it was a classic movie and not Free Willy. He sounded good on the song and I think he did add some Casey elements to the performance, changed up the rhythms a bit, and made it his own. And most importantly, his hair was back down and flowing. Hair up=bad. Hair down = good. As far as the Kara jokes and their whole flirtation thing, Im getting a bit tired of it. Its no longer funny, its a tad creepy, and you can tell Kara LOVES being the center of attention. She is really annoying.

Simons "Im Out of Touch" Comment #2:"I wont even ask what this movie is about."




CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Im Alright / from the Motion Picture "Caddyshack"

I love that Crystal chose to do the theme song from Caddyshack. Why? Because its silly, fun, and not something anyone would expect her to choose. And she kicked ass on it. This performance actually reminded me a bit of Melissa Ethridge, she really rocked loose and her vocals were awesome here. This was my fave of the solo performances by far, but I didnt think any of the solo songs were as good as the two duets, which were both fantastic.



MIKE - CASEY Duet: Have You Ever Loved A Woman / Motion Picture "Don Juan Demarco"

I thought this song was sexy, beautiful, and that their voices meshed really well on the choruses. Caseys guitar sounded great, and the harmonies were lovely. I would also download this song. Loved this performance, an unexpected surprise.


Ellens Funny Comment: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I have loved a woman." That made me giggle.

So, to sum up: The Child drinks warm milk and gets tucked in by mommy, Ellen is apparently freezing, Kara likes young boys, Mr. Foxx likes himself and also enjoys young boys staring into his eyes as they sing love songs, Seacrest is a douche and ...wait... is Randy still on the show?

I have absolutely NO idea who is going home. Your thoughts?

American Idol Review - The "Elvis Sits up from Grave to scream 'WTF?' " Episode

Well IDOL lovers; it is time yet again for another write-up of tonight's happenings. Here we go ....

Bring on the dead!!! What better way to top Lennon/McCartney Week, than to continue to stomp on the memories of legends, who cannot fight back? Thats right folks; tonight was Elvis Presley night. And who better to mentor on behalf of The King than .... last year's non-winner Adam Lambert??? Yes. I know that whenever I think of Elvis, I immediately think ADAM LAMBERT!!! Don't you? Doesn't everyone??? What the hell does Adam Lambert have to do with Elvis? Oh well. At least it wasn't Miley Cyrus again. Let's move on.

Tonight's episode begins once again with an overdramatic Seacrest coming down a set of stairs, while surrounded by what seems to be a beam or HALO of light from above. He descended downward the stairway from Heaven, where he then met with his minions here on earth ...the contestants. At this point, Seacrest inexplicably started high-fiving some random girl in the audience, while simultaneously and embarassingly shouting at her "Wasup? Wasup? Wasupppp?" At this point, we are about 3 minutes into the show and I am already highly annoyed and out for Seacrest blood. And then it got weird. He proceeded to go into the crowd, and introduce Lambert, whom he then sat next to in a way-too-close manner. The two exchanged pleasantries about Lambert's album, how he enjoyed mentoring, and most importantly, whose tongue was more talented. I think Seacrest had a boner.

Then, after flirting like the gayboy he is with Adam Lambert, Seacrest sat next to his weird Mommy in the audience and had her introduce one of the acts. Not sure what the point of this was, other than to melt the audiences heartstrings, like "Awwww, Seacrest has a mom!!!!!" It didnt work. At all. Now I STILL hate you, and I kinda hate your mom for birthing you.

There were more awkward Seacrest moments, but for now, let's get right to the performances:

1. BOWERSOX: I am just calling her Bowersox from now on. Deal with it. Sox chose the song "Saved" which is one of Elvis's lesser known gospel-bluesy numbers. I love her just for choosing this song that noone even knows, and I love her ten times more for killin it on the electric guitar, and twenty times more than that for her kick-ass rockin voice. Again. Bowersox is just plain awesome, and like every week, I found myself cranking up the volume while she sang. And really, it kind of went downhill from there. Or at the very least, it flatlined .......



Next up; Ryan asked "What happens when Andrew rocks Elvis?" The answer to that is nothing. Nothing at all happens, except for another mediocre unmemorable performance ...

2. LOAF OF BREAD: (Andrew Garcia) Sang "Hounddog." Well, he "crooned" it with a 1940s style microphone and a very strange rendition that was sooooo slow and almost sounded like he was talking. "Youuuuuuuu aint. nothin. butttt. a . hounddddd. doggggggggg." Every syllable was somehow five syllables and every word was stretched out into eternity. This song seemed like eternity. Not fun. The loaf of bread is starting to get on my nerves now. Oh, and Simon was right, so STOP booing everytime the man speaks.

DUMB SEACREST COMMENT: After the Loaf performed, Seacrest asked this brilliant question to Simon:"Now why is it that you and Ellen see things differently?" Ummmm, gee, I dunno ... it's called A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION, you idiot!!!! Is he really shocked that all the judges dont agree? He always acts shocked and has to ask them to analyze everything so he can get even more ego-air-time.


3. TIM URBAN: Sigh. Seacrest introduced Tim by referring to him as "TURBAN." I honestly wanted to stab him through my television set somehow. This was the last straw. Really Ryan? Turban? Stop trying to create some cool, hip nickname for Tim by meshing his first and last name together. He isn't J-Lo or Brangelina. He is just TIM. He is not even close to cool enough to be worthy of a nickname. And even if he was, Turban certainly would not be the top choice.

So, Turban sang "Cant Help Falling In Love With You", and the way he pronounced the words "falling" like "faahhhhhllling" and "surely" like "shirley" really got on my nerves. Other than that, I really really really really really really really really really wanted to make fun of this performance, but in the end, it wasnt half bad. Now, Im not going to go and get all orgasmic about it like the judges do everytime this kid does the simplest thing ... but it was pretty good.

KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "That was very authentic, and also very real." Authentic and real mean the same damn thing, you moron.

4. LEE: I keep forgetting his last name, and who gives a shit. He did one of my favorite Elvis tunes "A Little Less Conversation". Great song, great choice for him, and really strong vocals. I thought he did a nice job with this, but wow, this kid ALWAYS looks stoned out of his mind. Just an observation.

Kara, however, thought his voice was "FIRE." That's her latest thing now. Everything is "fire" with her.



5. THE CHILD: (Aaron Kelly) In the rehearsal clips, The Child looked like he was about 6 yrs old standing next to Adam. Hilarious. I really really really really really wanted to make fun of this song too, so I will. "Blue Suede Shoes", sung by a 6year old. Interesting. Nothing he does can be taken seriously. I just keep picturing him eating cookies and drinking a tall glass of milk.

KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "You seemed younger tonight." Younger???? YOUNGER???? Is she on crack? Younger than what? HE's FIVE!!! How freakin young do you want him to be??? Freak.


6. SIOBHAN: I dont know if thats how you spell her damn name. Don't care. Its a stupid spelling of a stupid name. Im growing tired of her, and her hair is disturbing. She performed "Suspicious Minds" - another fave of mine - and although parts of it were nice - thats the problem. It was all a bit too nice for me. That song is dirty and bluesy and rockin. She sang it all a bit to controlled and cover band-ish. Also, it felt like she was singing three different songs/styles. It was all over the place.


WEIRD SEACREST COMMENT: When talking about the upcoming special IDOL GIVES BACK, Seacrest said that the host for the West Coast airing of that show would be Brian Dunkelman, then he took it back as a joke. Hmmmm, thats sort of mean-spirited dont you think? Poor Dunkelman is sitting at home broke as all hell, no ties to Idol left for him, and you cant even throw him a bone? You gotta mock him on national tv? Very odd.

7. MIKE LYNCH: "In The Ghetto." Okay, hold the phone. THIS is THE Elvis song .... I thought Mike's version was really relevant, heartbreaking, and hit on all the right notes. Im so glad they saved him, and I still think the top 2 should be him and Crystal. His voice ..... its like buttah.


8. KATIE BORING STEVENS: She did some sort of bluesy Elvis tune, which was a great song, but she somehow turned it vanilla again. She is trying, and I give her that. Her voice is very strong, pleasant, pretty ... all good things. I just wouldnt buy her album, and she does nothing for me on an excitment level. I always feel like Im watching the talent portion of a Beauty Pagent with her.


9. CASEY: Bluesy. Sexy. Hot! Mysterious. Gorgeous.
Oh, and the song wasn't half bad either. (rimshot)
He is so damn cute.


I think the Loaf of Bread should go home, but once again, Im perfectly happy to get rid of Tim, The Child, or the Bore Stevens too. Any of them leave, Im not complainin.