Okay, so I will start out by admitting that I have always had a HUGE crush on Harry Connick Jr. Ever since he did the soundtrack for one of my favorite movies ever, "When Harry Met Sally" back in my high school days, he has been the cutest, most talented, funniest, dorkiest, cutest (I know, I already said that) man alive. Oh, and his voice ...its like buttah. Plus it doesnt hurt that he plays piano AND has amazing comic timing. So when I heard that he would be the guest mentor on this weeks episode, I immediately got excited. I also had high expectations for what he would do, and he did not disappoint.
Not only did Connick mentor the contestants by giving them sound advice and great musical suggestions, he also composed and arranged ALL of the songs to fit each Idol singers personality, and then played piano as backup in the live show along with several members of his big band. The results were incredible. Musically, this was one of my favorite episodes of Idol ever. It was such a blast watching Connick work and seeing his passion up there on the stage. He also managed to make me like the performances of almost every contestant - despite the fact that I dont like every contestant. Best of all, Connick actually made a dent with his mentoring abilities. Unlike past mentors such as Miley Cyrus and Alicia Keys, who both pretty much said the same thing over and over again to every single person; ("you need to really FEEL the song"), Harry seemed to actually know that Lee needs different direction than Mike; and so on and so on..........
Let us begin. Seacrest once again comes down the stairs to that dramatic Idol theme song. And despite all my many prayers for him to please fall down that staircase, it still hasnt happened. This week, when he got to the bottom of those steps, he looked at Harry, who then announced Ryan's line "THIS .....is AMERICAN IDOL!" You could tell that Seacrest died a little bit inside.
Then - dramatic music - and then, Seacrest came down the stairs again, for a second time. What the f**k? What did he do, run back up to the top just so he could walk down AGAIN and this time have ALL eyes on him and only him? Such a camera whore.
At this point, we were introduced to the judges, and to the buttoned-down shirt of Simon, whose hairy chest was prominantly featured. Also featured were the songs of Frank Sinatra, and sitting in the audience was Sinatra's two creepy-esque odd-looking daughters, who unexplainably presented Simon with one of Frank's initialed handkerchiefs. Great. The snot-rag of a dead legend. Just what he's always wanted Im sure.
Then came the performances--
THE CHILD: Fly Me to The Moon.
The Child was once again up first, so that he could still make it to bed nice and early while his mommy reads him a bedtime story. You know, the mommy he creepily sang about last week with a romantic tune. Everything on this kid is gigantic. His ears are huge. His fingers. His eyebrows. Even the microphone looks like one of those big toy microphones that you give to kids or that you hold while singing kareoke. He looked bizarre in his suit/vest combo. Once again, he appeared as some tiny kid who was playing dress up on a pretend show and singing a pretend song with lyrics that he knows nothing about and has never experienced. He sounded really okay ... good actually ... but I just cannot get over his childlike appearance and demeanor. With each lyric he sang, and everytime he crooned "anotherwords, I love you...." I justkept picturing him saying those words to his mommy as she tucked him into bed at night and turned on his Snoopy nightlight. But hey, what do I know? The judges seem to enjoy him, and the stupid little girls seem to LOVE the kid. At this point, my FEAR is that he will be in the (gasp) Final Two. Let's just not talk about it and pretend it's not happening.
CASEY: Blue Skies.
Oh Casey. Dear, sweet Casey. Cute Casey in your adorable purple shirt and your newish beardlike-beard growing in. I am so sorry to report that I truly think youll be going home tonight. You just looked so very awkward up there, like someone threw you onto the stage and demanded that you sing Sinatra or die. "SING IT KID! OR I MURDER YOUR FAMILY!" I actually felt kind of bad for him when the judges all told him how badly he sucked it one by one. I hate to see him go, but Its happening, I know it. Poor Casey. I still think youre cute, but after Harry Connick, youre nothing to me now. NOTHING!!!!!
Awkward Seacrest Moment: In between acts, the "out to prove that I know everyone in Hollywood" Seacrest introduced Anthony Hopkins, who was sitting in the audience. Hopkins looked like he wanted to eat his face off, Hanibal Lector style. I wish he would have.
CRYSTAL: Summer Wind.
The judges werent overly excited about this performance, but I strongly disagree. I think Crystal's version of this song was gorgeous, and most of all, passionate and emotional. It was obvious the song meant something to her, and she delivered it with such interesting and beautiful phrasing. She also looked like she stepped right out of that era, which I find amazing. The woman can sing anything you throw at her. I loved it.
MIKE: The Way You Look Tonight.
Simply put, I love his voice. Its so pure and soft and powerful and bluesy and soulful, all at once.
I thougth he was truly in his element here, and looked like he totally belonged up there. And Harrys arrangement was fantastic. Im still hoping and praying for my dream Crystal/Mike Finale.
"What the F**k" Moment: Who the hell was that random guy RUNNING away and out of stageview when they came back from commercial? Its like something sinister was going on during break, and then he quickly ran off so noone would notice.
LEE: That's Life.
Well, just when I was all set to hate him again, he goes and gives a pretty kickass performance. I cant make up my mind about this dude. One week he sounds like a cheese grater is stuck in his throat, and the next he is damn good. He doesnt have my favorite kind of voice, I think thats what it comes down to. So sometimes he sounds like crap to me, and other times, when the songs right, he sounds good on it. In this episode, with this great arrangement, he sounded good. Really good. But I still felt like he was stoned and drunk - I felt like I was at a wedding and some drunk weird guy got up and grabbed the mic and started randomly singing. Yet, somehow, it worked.
So, to sum up: Seacrest still sucks. Simon is hairy. Kara still looks like a Muppet. Ellen is an elf. Randy is pointless. Casey is going home. Nothing incredibly funny happened on this episode. The Child might win it all, and then I shall cry.
Your thoughts?
Showing posts with label nyc comedians. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nyc comedians. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW- The "Not Inspirational at All" Episode
Oh, where oh where to begin? Let us begin at the end of the road for two contestants. Last week, we lost Katie Boring Stevens (yawn), and The Loaf of Bread finally reached his expiration date as well. So what could be worse than losing two - TWO - Idol hopefuls? How about the possibility of losing three? Oh, didnt you hear? Didnt you hear the "story" that was plastered all over the internet, the news, the freakin NY Post for Christ Sakes, and about 35 other places it shouldnt have been? Didnt you hear about how Crystal Bowersox was planning on quitting --yes, QUITTING, the show --that is, until hero Ryan Seacrest "talked her down" and into remaining a contestant? In what was one of the most obvious, phony, transparent publicity stunts ever thrown together, Ryan "I Need Attention!" Seacrest hammered it into everyones brain that Crystal was seconds away from walking off the show, until he talked her into staying. Sure you did Seacrest. Just like you were the REAL hero in the Anne Frank story who never got any credit; or the never-before seen Captain Seacrest - Sully's copilot who advised him it would be best to land in the Hudson. Now that I think about it; was it not you, Seacrest, who also put the bomp in the bompabompabomp? And hey, didnt you cure polio all those years ago? You know, a little band called "The Beatles" would have never happened had it not been for the talk they had with a then-infant Seacrest, who told them "ga ga ga ba ba BAAAA!!!", which of course, means, "write an album called Abby Road." We get it Ryan. You are a hero. If and when Crystal makes it bigtime, YOU are the one to thank. Wow, Im getting tears in my eyes just typing this .... sniff sniff.
Now for the actual story. Bowersox was feeling a tad emotional after last weeks show and missing her son. Thats IT. Apparently she said to Ryan something along the lines of "I really miss my son." Then later, she was quoted as saying, "I never had any intention of leaving the show. I was just having a moment, thats ALL. THen suddenly it was all over the media that I wanted to leave. I dont know where they got that from." Hmmm, gee, I wonder who leaked THAT Story. I have a guess, and his initials are R.S. (and he's a douchebag.)
But enough about THAT. Now onto the episode ....
We start with Ryan and those damn stairs. Then he lines up the remaining 7 contestants and talks in a dramatic fashion while weaving in and out behind their heads. Seacrest then informs us that this will be "Songs of Inspiration" Week and that their mentor will be Alicia Keys. Ah, songs of inspiration ... so, kind of like that annoying, grating "Lets hear it for New Yaaaaahhhhhhhkkkk....the city lights will inSPIRE you....." Inspring in that way? Oh good. I cannot wait to be inspired. Pass the Excedrin.
CASEY: Dont Stop by Fleetwood Mac. Except I really wish he would stop, because this was not his week. First of all, he looks like he was attacked with a can of fake spray-tan in the face. Secondly, the best part of that performance was the guitar licks, and there werent nearly enough of them. And third, he needs to start wearing his hair down again. I need to see the flowing locks of Casey in order to feel joy in my life. Seriously though, I like this guy. Hes talented. I just always find myself wishing that he would keep doing everything that he's doing, but multiply it by about 100.
Dumbass Ellen Comment: "We have to be stricter, because someone is going to go home each and every week now..." Right. Just like they have every single week up until now. Thats kind of how it works Ellen. Someone always goes home. Pay attention.
LEE: The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel. His hair looked like he had a mini-baseball mound atop his head. Other than that though, this was a kick-ass performance by him. Perfect song choice for his style and voice, and it was the first time Ive heard him sing where I would actually buy the single. In fact, I just might download it off itunes tonight. Excellent job.
Stupid Lee Comment: During the mentor video, Lee said of Alicia's advice: "She made a really great point which was to remember what the song is about so I'm gonna do that." Really Lee? THAT'S a great point? It's sort of obvious, isn't it? You really can't figure that one out on your own? Lee is not the sharpest tool in the box.
TURBAN: Does it really matter what he sang? He is the Nilla Wafer of performers. It had so little effect on me that I actually have no comment. Let's move on.
Seacrest Lame Joke: "You're always so cool Tim. You're Gaspacho. Youre a cold soup."
(Sound of crickets. Noone laughs.)
THE CHILD: Seacrest introduced the Child by saying "he's been singing this song since he was 5 years old..." Oh, so , since last month then? The Child chose to sing R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly," which makes total sense, since R.Kelly peed on a child about Aaron's age and then videotaped it. Very inspirational indeed. I'll be honest; I laughed through this entire performance. The whole thing struck me as funny. First I kept picturing R. Kelly peeing all over The Child as he sang. Then I started listening to the lyrics the Child was warbling,and they struck me as funny. "I used to think that I could not go on..." You USED to think? You're 7. When did you used to think anything? What exactly have you been through? Well, other than R. Kelly pissing on you of course. Then came this line "..and life was just another awful song." Oh, you mean kind of like THIS awful song? I feel ya dog. Let's just stop singing right now, shall we Child? Hate to break it to ya, but No, you cannot fly. You cannot touch the sky. In fact, you probably cant even reach the top shelf to get that cookie you really really want up there.
SIOBHAN: Sigh. That might be my new name for her. Just "Sigh." Because everytime she comes on lately, I just let out a big sort of sigh ... Im kind of tired of her. Just everything about her is a little bit annoying and off-putting and a little bit scary even. Her eyebrows scare me. Her EYES freak me out. Her TEETH freak me out. And that 80's shiny lipgloss. And seriously --what the HELL was she wearing??? In her hair, on her shoulder, on her wrist, on her legs ... EVERYWHERE. Good Lord! I get that she has her own unique style, but she is starting to resemble some sort of tree where bird's nest. Cant you just throw ona nice black dress sometimes and make your hair not look .... like THAT? And She gives these intense looks like shes looking right through your soul. And the way she talks is really starting to get on my nerves, with the bizarre pauses in the strangest places, like right in the middle of the sentence, over and over again. "I ....... ..... didn't.......want.....to.........let who the song was..........by to ...to....to.....dictate how I ........how I .........how I sung................the song....and,and,and........" OH JESUS CHRIST SPIT IT OUT!!!
Yeah, Im just way over her. Talented girl, just not for me.
JUST MIKE: I didnt like this song at all, so I sort of zoned out. It wasnt bad, and it wasnt good. It was just sort of there. Like bread. Like a loaf of bread. Oh wait, he's gone.
BOWERSOX: People Get Ready. Brilliant accapella. I am starting to feel like a broken record with how much I love her, but I cannot help it. I LOVE HER!!!! She is insanely good, and this was absolutely one of my favorite performances by her. AND it was one of the ONLY songs of the night that was ACTUALLY inspirational. Most of those songs were not inspirational at all. These people do not know how to follow the rules. But Bowersox's song was a great ending, in an otherwise mediocre show.
Best of the Night: BOWERSOX AND LEE.
Special BONUS BLOG this week on the IDOL GIVES BACK show. Stay tuned....
Now for the actual story. Bowersox was feeling a tad emotional after last weeks show and missing her son. Thats IT. Apparently she said to Ryan something along the lines of "I really miss my son." Then later, she was quoted as saying, "I never had any intention of leaving the show. I was just having a moment, thats ALL. THen suddenly it was all over the media that I wanted to leave. I dont know where they got that from." Hmmm, gee, I wonder who leaked THAT Story. I have a guess, and his initials are R.S. (and he's a douchebag.)
But enough about THAT. Now onto the episode ....
We start with Ryan and those damn stairs. Then he lines up the remaining 7 contestants and talks in a dramatic fashion while weaving in and out behind their heads. Seacrest then informs us that this will be "Songs of Inspiration" Week and that their mentor will be Alicia Keys. Ah, songs of inspiration ... so, kind of like that annoying, grating "Lets hear it for New Yaaaaahhhhhhhkkkk....the city lights will inSPIRE you....." Inspring in that way? Oh good. I cannot wait to be inspired. Pass the Excedrin.
CASEY: Dont Stop by Fleetwood Mac. Except I really wish he would stop, because this was not his week. First of all, he looks like he was attacked with a can of fake spray-tan in the face. Secondly, the best part of that performance was the guitar licks, and there werent nearly enough of them. And third, he needs to start wearing his hair down again. I need to see the flowing locks of Casey in order to feel joy in my life. Seriously though, I like this guy. Hes talented. I just always find myself wishing that he would keep doing everything that he's doing, but multiply it by about 100.
Dumbass Ellen Comment: "We have to be stricter, because someone is going to go home each and every week now..." Right. Just like they have every single week up until now. Thats kind of how it works Ellen. Someone always goes home. Pay attention.
LEE: The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel. His hair looked like he had a mini-baseball mound atop his head. Other than that though, this was a kick-ass performance by him. Perfect song choice for his style and voice, and it was the first time Ive heard him sing where I would actually buy the single. In fact, I just might download it off itunes tonight. Excellent job.
Stupid Lee Comment: During the mentor video, Lee said of Alicia's advice: "She made a really great point which was to remember what the song is about so I'm gonna do that." Really Lee? THAT'S a great point? It's sort of obvious, isn't it? You really can't figure that one out on your own? Lee is not the sharpest tool in the box.
TURBAN: Does it really matter what he sang? He is the Nilla Wafer of performers. It had so little effect on me that I actually have no comment. Let's move on.
Seacrest Lame Joke: "You're always so cool Tim. You're Gaspacho. Youre a cold soup."
(Sound of crickets. Noone laughs.)
THE CHILD: Seacrest introduced the Child by saying "he's been singing this song since he was 5 years old..." Oh, so , since last month then? The Child chose to sing R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly," which makes total sense, since R.Kelly peed on a child about Aaron's age and then videotaped it. Very inspirational indeed. I'll be honest; I laughed through this entire performance. The whole thing struck me as funny. First I kept picturing R. Kelly peeing all over The Child as he sang. Then I started listening to the lyrics the Child was warbling,and they struck me as funny. "I used to think that I could not go on..." You USED to think? You're 7. When did you used to think anything? What exactly have you been through? Well, other than R. Kelly pissing on you of course. Then came this line "..and life was just another awful song." Oh, you mean kind of like THIS awful song? I feel ya dog. Let's just stop singing right now, shall we Child? Hate to break it to ya, but No, you cannot fly. You cannot touch the sky. In fact, you probably cant even reach the top shelf to get that cookie you really really want up there.
SIOBHAN: Sigh. That might be my new name for her. Just "Sigh." Because everytime she comes on lately, I just let out a big sort of sigh ... Im kind of tired of her. Just everything about her is a little bit annoying and off-putting and a little bit scary even. Her eyebrows scare me. Her EYES freak me out. Her TEETH freak me out. And that 80's shiny lipgloss. And seriously --what the HELL was she wearing??? In her hair, on her shoulder, on her wrist, on her legs ... EVERYWHERE. Good Lord! I get that she has her own unique style, but she is starting to resemble some sort of tree where bird's nest. Cant you just throw ona nice black dress sometimes and make your hair not look .... like THAT? And She gives these intense looks like shes looking right through your soul. And the way she talks is really starting to get on my nerves, with the bizarre pauses in the strangest places, like right in the middle of the sentence, over and over again. "I ....... ..... didn't.......want.....to.........let who the song was..........by to ...to....to.....dictate how I ........how I .........how I sung................the song....and,and,and........" OH JESUS CHRIST SPIT IT OUT!!!
Yeah, Im just way over her. Talented girl, just not for me.
JUST MIKE: I didnt like this song at all, so I sort of zoned out. It wasnt bad, and it wasnt good. It was just sort of there. Like bread. Like a loaf of bread. Oh wait, he's gone.
BOWERSOX: People Get Ready. Brilliant accapella. I am starting to feel like a broken record with how much I love her, but I cannot help it. I LOVE HER!!!! She is insanely good, and this was absolutely one of my favorite performances by her. AND it was one of the ONLY songs of the night that was ACTUALLY inspirational. Most of those songs were not inspirational at all. These people do not know how to follow the rules. But Bowersox's song was a great ending, in an otherwise mediocre show.
Best of the Night: BOWERSOX AND LEE.
Special BONUS BLOG this week on the IDOL GIVES BACK show. Stay tuned....
Saturday, April 17, 2010
American Idol Review - The "Elvis Sits up from Grave to scream 'WTF?' " Episode
Well IDOL lovers; it is time yet again for another write-up of tonight's happenings. Here we go ....
Bring on the dead!!! What better way to top Lennon/McCartney Week, than to continue to stomp on the memories of legends, who cannot fight back? Thats right folks; tonight was Elvis Presley night. And who better to mentor on behalf of The King than .... last year's non-winner Adam Lambert??? Yes. I know that whenever I think of Elvis, I immediately think ADAM LAMBERT!!! Don't you? Doesn't everyone??? What the hell does Adam Lambert have to do with Elvis? Oh well. At least it wasn't Miley Cyrus again. Let's move on.
Tonight's episode begins once again with an overdramatic Seacrest coming down a set of stairs, while surrounded by what seems to be a beam or HALO of light from above. He descended downward the stairway from Heaven, where he then met with his minions here on earth ...the contestants. At this point, Seacrest inexplicably started high-fiving some random girl in the audience, while simultaneously and embarassingly shouting at her "Wasup? Wasup? Wasupppp?" At this point, we are about 3 minutes into the show and I am already highly annoyed and out for Seacrest blood. And then it got weird. He proceeded to go into the crowd, and introduce Lambert, whom he then sat next to in a way-too-close manner. The two exchanged pleasantries about Lambert's album, how he enjoyed mentoring, and most importantly, whose tongue was more talented. I think Seacrest had a boner.
Then, after flirting like the gayboy he is with Adam Lambert, Seacrest sat next to his weird Mommy in the audience and had her introduce one of the acts. Not sure what the point of this was, other than to melt the audiences heartstrings, like "Awwww, Seacrest has a mom!!!!!" It didnt work. At all. Now I STILL hate you, and I kinda hate your mom for birthing you.
There were more awkward Seacrest moments, but for now, let's get right to the performances:
1. BOWERSOX: I am just calling her Bowersox from now on. Deal with it. Sox chose the song "Saved" which is one of Elvis's lesser known gospel-bluesy numbers. I love her just for choosing this song that noone even knows, and I love her ten times more for killin it on the electric guitar, and twenty times more than that for her kick-ass rockin voice. Again. Bowersox is just plain awesome, and like every week, I found myself cranking up the volume while she sang. And really, it kind of went downhill from there. Or at the very least, it flatlined .......
Next up; Ryan asked "What happens when Andrew rocks Elvis?" The answer to that is nothing. Nothing at all happens, except for another mediocre unmemorable performance ...
2. LOAF OF BREAD: (Andrew Garcia) Sang "Hounddog." Well, he "crooned" it with a 1940s style microphone and a very strange rendition that was sooooo slow and almost sounded like he was talking. "Youuuuuuuu aint. nothin. butttt. a . hounddddd. doggggggggg." Every syllable was somehow five syllables and every word was stretched out into eternity. This song seemed like eternity. Not fun. The loaf of bread is starting to get on my nerves now. Oh, and Simon was right, so STOP booing everytime the man speaks.
DUMB SEACREST COMMENT: After the Loaf performed, Seacrest asked this brilliant question to Simon:"Now why is it that you and Ellen see things differently?" Ummmm, gee, I dunno ... it's called A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION, you idiot!!!! Is he really shocked that all the judges dont agree? He always acts shocked and has to ask them to analyze everything so he can get even more ego-air-time.
3. TIM URBAN: Sigh. Seacrest introduced Tim by referring to him as "TURBAN." I honestly wanted to stab him through my television set somehow. This was the last straw. Really Ryan? Turban? Stop trying to create some cool, hip nickname for Tim by meshing his first and last name together. He isn't J-Lo or Brangelina. He is just TIM. He is not even close to cool enough to be worthy of a nickname. And even if he was, Turban certainly would not be the top choice.
So, Turban sang "Cant Help Falling In Love With You", and the way he pronounced the words "falling" like "faahhhhhllling" and "surely" like "shirley" really got on my nerves. Other than that, I really really really really really really really really really wanted to make fun of this performance, but in the end, it wasnt half bad. Now, Im not going to go and get all orgasmic about it like the judges do everytime this kid does the simplest thing ... but it was pretty good.
KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "That was very authentic, and also very real." Authentic and real mean the same damn thing, you moron.
4. LEE: I keep forgetting his last name, and who gives a shit. He did one of my favorite Elvis tunes "A Little Less Conversation". Great song, great choice for him, and really strong vocals. I thought he did a nice job with this, but wow, this kid ALWAYS looks stoned out of his mind. Just an observation.
Kara, however, thought his voice was "FIRE." That's her latest thing now. Everything is "fire" with her.
5. THE CHILD: (Aaron Kelly) In the rehearsal clips, The Child looked like he was about 6 yrs old standing next to Adam. Hilarious. I really really really really really wanted to make fun of this song too, so I will. "Blue Suede Shoes", sung by a 6year old. Interesting. Nothing he does can be taken seriously. I just keep picturing him eating cookies and drinking a tall glass of milk.
KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "You seemed younger tonight." Younger???? YOUNGER???? Is she on crack? Younger than what? HE's FIVE!!! How freakin young do you want him to be??? Freak.
6. SIOBHAN: I dont know if thats how you spell her damn name. Don't care. Its a stupid spelling of a stupid name. Im growing tired of her, and her hair is disturbing. She performed "Suspicious Minds" - another fave of mine - and although parts of it were nice - thats the problem. It was all a bit too nice for me. That song is dirty and bluesy and rockin. She sang it all a bit to controlled and cover band-ish. Also, it felt like she was singing three different songs/styles. It was all over the place.
WEIRD SEACREST COMMENT: When talking about the upcoming special IDOL GIVES BACK, Seacrest said that the host for the West Coast airing of that show would be Brian Dunkelman, then he took it back as a joke. Hmmmm, thats sort of mean-spirited dont you think? Poor Dunkelman is sitting at home broke as all hell, no ties to Idol left for him, and you cant even throw him a bone? You gotta mock him on national tv? Very odd.
7. MIKE LYNCH: "In The Ghetto." Okay, hold the phone. THIS is THE Elvis song .... I thought Mike's version was really relevant, heartbreaking, and hit on all the right notes. Im so glad they saved him, and I still think the top 2 should be him and Crystal. His voice ..... its like buttah.
8. KATIE BORING STEVENS: She did some sort of bluesy Elvis tune, which was a great song, but she somehow turned it vanilla again. She is trying, and I give her that. Her voice is very strong, pleasant, pretty ... all good things. I just wouldnt buy her album, and she does nothing for me on an excitment level. I always feel like Im watching the talent portion of a Beauty Pagent with her.
9. CASEY: Bluesy. Sexy. Hot! Mysterious. Gorgeous.
Oh, and the song wasn't half bad either. (rimshot)
He is so damn cute.
I think the Loaf of Bread should go home, but once again, Im perfectly happy to get rid of Tim, The Child, or the Bore Stevens too. Any of them leave, Im not complainin.
Bring on the dead!!! What better way to top Lennon/McCartney Week, than to continue to stomp on the memories of legends, who cannot fight back? Thats right folks; tonight was Elvis Presley night. And who better to mentor on behalf of The King than .... last year's non-winner Adam Lambert??? Yes. I know that whenever I think of Elvis, I immediately think ADAM LAMBERT!!! Don't you? Doesn't everyone??? What the hell does Adam Lambert have to do with Elvis? Oh well. At least it wasn't Miley Cyrus again. Let's move on.
Tonight's episode begins once again with an overdramatic Seacrest coming down a set of stairs, while surrounded by what seems to be a beam or HALO of light from above. He descended downward the stairway from Heaven, where he then met with his minions here on earth ...the contestants. At this point, Seacrest inexplicably started high-fiving some random girl in the audience, while simultaneously and embarassingly shouting at her "Wasup? Wasup? Wasupppp?" At this point, we are about 3 minutes into the show and I am already highly annoyed and out for Seacrest blood. And then it got weird. He proceeded to go into the crowd, and introduce Lambert, whom he then sat next to in a way-too-close manner. The two exchanged pleasantries about Lambert's album, how he enjoyed mentoring, and most importantly, whose tongue was more talented. I think Seacrest had a boner.
Then, after flirting like the gayboy he is with Adam Lambert, Seacrest sat next to his weird Mommy in the audience and had her introduce one of the acts. Not sure what the point of this was, other than to melt the audiences heartstrings, like "Awwww, Seacrest has a mom!!!!!" It didnt work. At all. Now I STILL hate you, and I kinda hate your mom for birthing you.
There were more awkward Seacrest moments, but for now, let's get right to the performances:
1. BOWERSOX: I am just calling her Bowersox from now on. Deal with it. Sox chose the song "Saved" which is one of Elvis's lesser known gospel-bluesy numbers. I love her just for choosing this song that noone even knows, and I love her ten times more for killin it on the electric guitar, and twenty times more than that for her kick-ass rockin voice. Again. Bowersox is just plain awesome, and like every week, I found myself cranking up the volume while she sang. And really, it kind of went downhill from there. Or at the very least, it flatlined .......
Next up; Ryan asked "What happens when Andrew rocks Elvis?" The answer to that is nothing. Nothing at all happens, except for another mediocre unmemorable performance ...
2. LOAF OF BREAD: (Andrew Garcia) Sang "Hounddog." Well, he "crooned" it with a 1940s style microphone and a very strange rendition that was sooooo slow and almost sounded like he was talking. "Youuuuuuuu aint. nothin. butttt. a . hounddddd. doggggggggg." Every syllable was somehow five syllables and every word was stretched out into eternity. This song seemed like eternity. Not fun. The loaf of bread is starting to get on my nerves now. Oh, and Simon was right, so STOP booing everytime the man speaks.
DUMB SEACREST COMMENT: After the Loaf performed, Seacrest asked this brilliant question to Simon:"Now why is it that you and Ellen see things differently?" Ummmm, gee, I dunno ... it's called A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION, you idiot!!!! Is he really shocked that all the judges dont agree? He always acts shocked and has to ask them to analyze everything so he can get even more ego-air-time.
3. TIM URBAN: Sigh. Seacrest introduced Tim by referring to him as "TURBAN." I honestly wanted to stab him through my television set somehow. This was the last straw. Really Ryan? Turban? Stop trying to create some cool, hip nickname for Tim by meshing his first and last name together. He isn't J-Lo or Brangelina. He is just TIM. He is not even close to cool enough to be worthy of a nickname. And even if he was, Turban certainly would not be the top choice.
So, Turban sang "Cant Help Falling In Love With You", and the way he pronounced the words "falling" like "faahhhhhllling" and "surely" like "shirley" really got on my nerves. Other than that, I really really really really really really really really really wanted to make fun of this performance, but in the end, it wasnt half bad. Now, Im not going to go and get all orgasmic about it like the judges do everytime this kid does the simplest thing ... but it was pretty good.
KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "That was very authentic, and also very real." Authentic and real mean the same damn thing, you moron.
4. LEE: I keep forgetting his last name, and who gives a shit. He did one of my favorite Elvis tunes "A Little Less Conversation". Great song, great choice for him, and really strong vocals. I thought he did a nice job with this, but wow, this kid ALWAYS looks stoned out of his mind. Just an observation.
Kara, however, thought his voice was "FIRE." That's her latest thing now. Everything is "fire" with her.
5. THE CHILD: (Aaron Kelly) In the rehearsal clips, The Child looked like he was about 6 yrs old standing next to Adam. Hilarious. I really really really really really wanted to make fun of this song too, so I will. "Blue Suede Shoes", sung by a 6year old. Interesting. Nothing he does can be taken seriously. I just keep picturing him eating cookies and drinking a tall glass of milk.
KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "You seemed younger tonight." Younger???? YOUNGER???? Is she on crack? Younger than what? HE's FIVE!!! How freakin young do you want him to be??? Freak.
6. SIOBHAN: I dont know if thats how you spell her damn name. Don't care. Its a stupid spelling of a stupid name. Im growing tired of her, and her hair is disturbing. She performed "Suspicious Minds" - another fave of mine - and although parts of it were nice - thats the problem. It was all a bit too nice for me. That song is dirty and bluesy and rockin. She sang it all a bit to controlled and cover band-ish. Also, it felt like she was singing three different songs/styles. It was all over the place.
WEIRD SEACREST COMMENT: When talking about the upcoming special IDOL GIVES BACK, Seacrest said that the host for the West Coast airing of that show would be Brian Dunkelman, then he took it back as a joke. Hmmmm, thats sort of mean-spirited dont you think? Poor Dunkelman is sitting at home broke as all hell, no ties to Idol left for him, and you cant even throw him a bone? You gotta mock him on national tv? Very odd.
7. MIKE LYNCH: "In The Ghetto." Okay, hold the phone. THIS is THE Elvis song .... I thought Mike's version was really relevant, heartbreaking, and hit on all the right notes. Im so glad they saved him, and I still think the top 2 should be him and Crystal. His voice ..... its like buttah.
8. KATIE BORING STEVENS: She did some sort of bluesy Elvis tune, which was a great song, but she somehow turned it vanilla again. She is trying, and I give her that. Her voice is very strong, pleasant, pretty ... all good things. I just wouldnt buy her album, and she does nothing for me on an excitment level. I always feel like Im watching the talent portion of a Beauty Pagent with her.
9. CASEY: Bluesy. Sexy. Hot! Mysterious. Gorgeous.
Oh, and the song wasn't half bad either. (rimshot)
He is so damn cute.
I think the Loaf of Bread should go home, but once again, Im perfectly happy to get rid of Tim, The Child, or the Bore Stevens too. Any of them leave, Im not complainin.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Public Displays of FRUIT EATING
So, I promised you people that in blog number two, I would discuss the very important topic of people who eat fruit in public places. And so now I am here to deliver on that promise. Because I, Kelley Lynn Niemi, am a woman of my word. And when I say I will discuss fruit, BY GODFREY, I will discuss fruit! Just try and stop me!!! No, really. Try and stop me. I dare you. You will fail, and I will conquer.
I love fruit. And I love public places. I just don't think they belong together. Why? Well, to put it simply, you look disgusting and gross when you are eating your piece of fruit in public. Trust me. You do. You look horrific. And you sound awful. And the whole thing just makes me feel sick to my stomache, to be honest. Let me break this down for you by going over the typical fruits I seem to witness other people eating in public places, and why it bothers me:
1. THE APPLE: Apples are delicious. They are probably my all-time favorite fruit. I love putting them in salads, cutting them into homemade chicken-salad, putting them in stuffing, and eating them just plain. However; when I eat an apple; I cut it up into thin slices and then pick up those slices and eat them. Why? Because even in the privacy of my own home where noone else can see me, I would disgust MYSELF if I were to pick up an apple and simply bite into it. So, dear stranger ... when you do this in a public place such as on a subway or train or in an office or wherever else; it makes me want to jump out a window. Or throw you out one. Actually, that would be easier. Why should I die because of your apple eating ways? Let's not get crazy.
Why is the public apple-eating so neauseating? Well; for one thing, it makes the most disgusting sound when you bring it up to your mouth and bite into it. And this doesn't happen only ONCE. No,no,no. This biting process happens over and over and over again, until the apple is gone. And each time I have to hear that crunch/bite sound, it comes along with your spit and your slobbering all over that apple. Trust me, it is not a pleasant thing to have to hear. And guess what? It is extremely LOUD each time you do this. I hate when someone eats an apple in a normally quiet place, like a library, and you just hear nothing but chomp, chomp, chomp, crunch, crunch, crunch. Gross. Secondly; it LOOKS nasty when you are chomping on this apple, with your stupid wet, spit-stained napkin underneath it; and with you twirling the apple into different positions, and turning your neck and head into all kinds of wacky angles so you can bite into it just right. It is such a turn-off to watch that nonsense. I just want to put you into a private room with no windows until you have finished your apple-eating sins, and washed yourself up. Then you may return to earth with the rest of civilization. But please, for the Love of God, throw away that core first, cuz that's my third complaint about the apple. That awful core that seems to end up in the bottom of your purse, or wrapped inside of a napkin somewhere. Do NOT make me look at that core with the remaining brown apple remnants. Get rid of that evidence. It is just not right.
2. THE BANANA: Let's not pretend to be mature here. I don't care what you say or how much you may accuse me of being ridiculous; but the fact is that when you peel and then eat a banana, it is very phallic. I am sorry, but it just looks like you are going down on some dude with a very yellow schlong. It just does. It does not matter if you are male or female. In fact, it is intensely funnier if you are male and peeling, then eating a banana. I giggle to myself when men eat bananas in public. I giggle harder when the man is very serious looking and perhaps wearing an expensive suit, tie, and removes the banana from a leather briefcase. Please don't try to look businesslike and important while putting your lips around a banana. You look silly, and I cannot take you seriously while you eat your banana. Perhaps we can discuss mergers and taxes and real estate AFTER you have finished your banana, because right now, Im much too busy laughing at you.
3. THE PEACH and/or PLUM: This is the fruit that grosses me out the most whenever I witness public eating of it. It contains so much juice and wetness and things that squirt when you eat it, that, really, it should only be consumed while at home with the doors locked and chained. Whenever someone bites into a peach or plum, their entire face and chin gets all glossy and yucky and sticky looking, and it is so unbelievably unappetizing to see. This is the female version of the banana. Eating a peach looks as if you are ... well... eating a peach. And really; who in life except for the one person you are most intimate with; EVER needs to see your face all covered in goop? Not ME, thank you very much. Not me. Eat your peaches at home people. I am begging you.
4. WATERMELON: This is probably the most universally accepted and eaten fruit in public. Picnics, BBQ's, pool parties ... watermelon is the perfect summer fruit. It is super delicious and I rarely can get enough of it. Good stuff. However; I cut up my watermelon into small slices or cubes, or I buy it that way at the store. Why? Because its absolutely disgusting to sit there and shove your entire FACE and person into a slice of watermelon that is shaped like a half-moon and that is covering your face in slop, seeds, and stickyness. YUCK!!! Whenever watermelon is served that way, I still take a knife and cut it into individual cubes and eat it like that. I'm not forcing my head into a semi-circle of syrupy-sweet headgear, only to come out looking like a 5 year old who can't eat without covering his or her face in food. What am I, an animal? No, dammit. Cut up that melon like a human with some manners. And get a fork while you're at it.
The above fruits mentioned are, by far, the most obvious in the list of Evil public fruit-eating. However; equally disgusting fruits include grapefruit, oranges, and mango. These fruits should also not be eaten in public places, especially by amateurs. Cutting into a grapefruit in front of others is not only intrusive, but can also be quite dangerous. Oranges involve MUCH too much effort and work and time to be a good public fruit, and mangos are just waaay too messy. Therefore, the only fruit I can see eating in public that would not be gross or nasty in any way, shape, or form, would be A. some sort of fruit salad or fruits that have already been cut up into cubes or small pieces and are inside tupperwear-like containers, or B. grapes. Grapes are small and fit beautifully into a ziploc baggie where you can then reach your hand into and eat them quietly and politely. Grapes aren't out to hurt or offend anyone. Grapes are your friend. Well, okay. They are not your friend. Let's not get carried away here. If you are actually friends with a grape, please seek help immediately.
Now that you all know which fruits to never again eat in public because they disgust Kelley, I hope that we can all be a happier, healthier nation. I appreciate your support in making this a brighter world for me to live in.
I love fruit. And I love public places. I just don't think they belong together. Why? Well, to put it simply, you look disgusting and gross when you are eating your piece of fruit in public. Trust me. You do. You look horrific. And you sound awful. And the whole thing just makes me feel sick to my stomache, to be honest. Let me break this down for you by going over the typical fruits I seem to witness other people eating in public places, and why it bothers me:
1. THE APPLE: Apples are delicious. They are probably my all-time favorite fruit. I love putting them in salads, cutting them into homemade chicken-salad, putting them in stuffing, and eating them just plain. However; when I eat an apple; I cut it up into thin slices and then pick up those slices and eat them. Why? Because even in the privacy of my own home where noone else can see me, I would disgust MYSELF if I were to pick up an apple and simply bite into it. So, dear stranger ... when you do this in a public place such as on a subway or train or in an office or wherever else; it makes me want to jump out a window. Or throw you out one. Actually, that would be easier. Why should I die because of your apple eating ways? Let's not get crazy.
Why is the public apple-eating so neauseating? Well; for one thing, it makes the most disgusting sound when you bring it up to your mouth and bite into it. And this doesn't happen only ONCE. No,no,no. This biting process happens over and over and over again, until the apple is gone. And each time I have to hear that crunch/bite sound, it comes along with your spit and your slobbering all over that apple. Trust me, it is not a pleasant thing to have to hear. And guess what? It is extremely LOUD each time you do this. I hate when someone eats an apple in a normally quiet place, like a library, and you just hear nothing but chomp, chomp, chomp, crunch, crunch, crunch. Gross. Secondly; it LOOKS nasty when you are chomping on this apple, with your stupid wet, spit-stained napkin underneath it; and with you twirling the apple into different positions, and turning your neck and head into all kinds of wacky angles so you can bite into it just right. It is such a turn-off to watch that nonsense. I just want to put you into a private room with no windows until you have finished your apple-eating sins, and washed yourself up. Then you may return to earth with the rest of civilization. But please, for the Love of God, throw away that core first, cuz that's my third complaint about the apple. That awful core that seems to end up in the bottom of your purse, or wrapped inside of a napkin somewhere. Do NOT make me look at that core with the remaining brown apple remnants. Get rid of that evidence. It is just not right.
2. THE BANANA: Let's not pretend to be mature here. I don't care what you say or how much you may accuse me of being ridiculous; but the fact is that when you peel and then eat a banana, it is very phallic. I am sorry, but it just looks like you are going down on some dude with a very yellow schlong. It just does. It does not matter if you are male or female. In fact, it is intensely funnier if you are male and peeling, then eating a banana. I giggle to myself when men eat bananas in public. I giggle harder when the man is very serious looking and perhaps wearing an expensive suit, tie, and removes the banana from a leather briefcase. Please don't try to look businesslike and important while putting your lips around a banana. You look silly, and I cannot take you seriously while you eat your banana. Perhaps we can discuss mergers and taxes and real estate AFTER you have finished your banana, because right now, Im much too busy laughing at you.
3. THE PEACH and/or PLUM: This is the fruit that grosses me out the most whenever I witness public eating of it. It contains so much juice and wetness and things that squirt when you eat it, that, really, it should only be consumed while at home with the doors locked and chained. Whenever someone bites into a peach or plum, their entire face and chin gets all glossy and yucky and sticky looking, and it is so unbelievably unappetizing to see. This is the female version of the banana. Eating a peach looks as if you are ... well... eating a peach. And really; who in life except for the one person you are most intimate with; EVER needs to see your face all covered in goop? Not ME, thank you very much. Not me. Eat your peaches at home people. I am begging you.
4. WATERMELON: This is probably the most universally accepted and eaten fruit in public. Picnics, BBQ's, pool parties ... watermelon is the perfect summer fruit. It is super delicious and I rarely can get enough of it. Good stuff. However; I cut up my watermelon into small slices or cubes, or I buy it that way at the store. Why? Because its absolutely disgusting to sit there and shove your entire FACE and person into a slice of watermelon that is shaped like a half-moon and that is covering your face in slop, seeds, and stickyness. YUCK!!! Whenever watermelon is served that way, I still take a knife and cut it into individual cubes and eat it like that. I'm not forcing my head into a semi-circle of syrupy-sweet headgear, only to come out looking like a 5 year old who can't eat without covering his or her face in food. What am I, an animal? No, dammit. Cut up that melon like a human with some manners. And get a fork while you're at it.
The above fruits mentioned are, by far, the most obvious in the list of Evil public fruit-eating. However; equally disgusting fruits include grapefruit, oranges, and mango. These fruits should also not be eaten in public places, especially by amateurs. Cutting into a grapefruit in front of others is not only intrusive, but can also be quite dangerous. Oranges involve MUCH too much effort and work and time to be a good public fruit, and mangos are just waaay too messy. Therefore, the only fruit I can see eating in public that would not be gross or nasty in any way, shape, or form, would be A. some sort of fruit salad or fruits that have already been cut up into cubes or small pieces and are inside tupperwear-like containers, or B. grapes. Grapes are small and fit beautifully into a ziploc baggie where you can then reach your hand into and eat them quietly and politely. Grapes aren't out to hurt or offend anyone. Grapes are your friend. Well, okay. They are not your friend. Let's not get carried away here. If you are actually friends with a grape, please seek help immediately.
Now that you all know which fruits to never again eat in public because they disgust Kelley, I hope that we can all be a happier, healthier nation. I appreciate your support in making this a brighter world for me to live in.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
LOOK AT ME! I'M IMPORTANT!!!
Well, here we are folks. What you have all been waiting for. If, in fact, the word "all" actually means "noone." Because let's be honest. Noone has actually been waiting for this. My blog page. Noone.
I often wonder what the purpose of all this really IS. This thing we call blogging.
Why do we all suddenly think that we are brilliant authors today? Just because we have computers? Think about it. If you own an easel; you are not a brilliant artist. Got a balance beam? HEY; YOU'RE A GYMNAST!!! That seems to be the way of thinking. Do you know how many blogs I have read that were just a whole lot of boring, not-well put together words, coming out of the mouth of a not-so intelligent or even interesting person? Quite a few. Chances are, if youre not all that intriguing in person; your stupid blog won't be any different. But that's okay. That is what the internet is for. So the average dumbass can think of him or herself as Shakespeare. Just for a few minutes.
Think about it. Why do we sit around writing to ourselves anyway? Noone is watching or reading what we have to say. Well okay, maybe a FEW people look at it. But only because you tell them to, ask them to, BEG them to. "Read my blog... please read my blog... Hey, check out my blog!" Its all a bit self-congratulatory, dont you think? And not only that; but blogpages, facebook, and even twitter have all become places to fiercely and pointlessly argue with one another about nothing and everything. So many times, I have put up a status message that was clearly supposed to be light-hearted and mocking; and hours later my seemingly innocent joke has turned into 47 people having a facebook brawl about the best way to use energy-saving lightbulbs. (Okay, that was just a hypothetical example. I would never write a status message about something as boring as lightbulbs. However; if I DID; it would somehow turn into an argument.)
Here's the thing. Everyone's got a cause. Everyone thinks that their cause is the most important cause there is on earth. And everyone now has 85 different ways to promote their various causes. I have no issue with people and their causes. It is actually quite lovely to believe in something strongly and try to inspire others to share your beliefs. It is inspiring if it is coming from a real place. When someone believes fiercely about, say, animal rights and tries to educate others about it using blogs and other internet superpowers, that is one thing. BUT ... I have a hard time understanding people who, everytime you turn around, are yammering on about some new cause. In one week's time, they go from SAVE THE WHALES! to END NUCLEAR WAR! to DON'T SHOP AT WALMART,THEY MURDER THEIR EMPLOYEES! to PROTECT THE ENVIRONMENT USING CAT URINE! to SUPPORT MY LOWER BACK to LET'S STOMP OUT AIDS AND ACNE! to ... oh, you get the idea. The point is, they have too many causes!!! And when someone stands for everything, they truly stand for nothing at all. Which is kind of like making love out of nothing at all. Which is a really bad reference to a really terrible Air Supply song. Which is sad. Please support people who listen to Air Supply.
The point is this: ("Seriously? You STILL haven't gotten to the point?", says the imaginary sarcastic person in my head.) Everyone thinks they have something to say. "I'M SO IMPORTANT!!! READ WHAT I AM WRITING!!! IT WILL CHANGE LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT JUST BY READING MY VERY FONT!!!"
The truth is this: Some people are important and have things to say. Other people are morons. Or pointless. Or not very smart. Or boring. These people will continue to be these things. A blog page won't change any of that. It will just be an additional way for that person to annoy us with their very existence.
I do not pretend to be important or think that my blog page will do anything spectacular in the grand scheme of things. I also vow to not use this for anything super-serious. There is nothing wrong with that; but there is already enough of that out there. So you won't be getting that from me. I can tell you what my blog WILL do:
1. Make you laugh, or at least giggle. Or smile. If you don't do one of those three things at some point while reading this, then I'm sorry to report that you are indeed a humorless robot. Seek help.
2. Mock everything, big and small. That's what I do, folks. I mock.
3. Offend. Or not offend. I say this because EVERYTHING offends somebody. I could be discussing lightbulbs ("Again with the lightbulbs?", says imaginary person...) and some fool will come on here and comment about how when they were 7 years old, their babysitter molested them using a box of cereal and a lightbulb, and how DARE I bring that memory up for them??!!
So; with all of that in mind; you have just read my very first blog post. Do you now feel different somehow? Like a changed person? I don't blame you one bit.
For next time: I will discuss and explain the meaning behind the title of my blogsite. (Fat Funny Female.) I will also talk about people who eat fruit in public. It is a bizarre pet peeve of mine.
I know you are all looking forward to my next blog. BECAUSE I'M IMPORTANT!!!
I often wonder what the purpose of all this really IS. This thing we call blogging.
Why do we all suddenly think that we are brilliant authors today? Just because we have computers? Think about it. If you own an easel; you are not a brilliant artist. Got a balance beam? HEY; YOU'RE A GYMNAST!!! That seems to be the way of thinking. Do you know how many blogs I have read that were just a whole lot of boring, not-well put together words, coming out of the mouth of a not-so intelligent or even interesting person? Quite a few. Chances are, if youre not all that intriguing in person; your stupid blog won't be any different. But that's okay. That is what the internet is for. So the average dumbass can think of him or herself as Shakespeare. Just for a few minutes.
Think about it. Why do we sit around writing to ourselves anyway? Noone is watching or reading what we have to say. Well okay, maybe a FEW people look at it. But only because you tell them to, ask them to, BEG them to. "Read my blog... please read my blog... Hey, check out my blog!" Its all a bit self-congratulatory, dont you think? And not only that; but blogpages, facebook, and even twitter have all become places to fiercely and pointlessly argue with one another about nothing and everything. So many times, I have put up a status message that was clearly supposed to be light-hearted and mocking; and hours later my seemingly innocent joke has turned into 47 people having a facebook brawl about the best way to use energy-saving lightbulbs. (Okay, that was just a hypothetical example. I would never write a status message about something as boring as lightbulbs. However; if I DID; it would somehow turn into an argument.)
Here's the thing. Everyone's got a cause. Everyone thinks that their cause is the most important cause there is on earth. And everyone now has 85 different ways to promote their various causes. I have no issue with people and their causes. It is actually quite lovely to believe in something strongly and try to inspire others to share your beliefs. It is inspiring if it is coming from a real place. When someone believes fiercely about, say, animal rights and tries to educate others about it using blogs and other internet superpowers, that is one thing. BUT ... I have a hard time understanding people who, everytime you turn around, are yammering on about some new cause. In one week's time, they go from SAVE THE WHALES! to END NUCLEAR WAR! to DON'T SHOP AT WALMART,THEY MURDER THEIR EMPLOYEES! to PROTECT THE ENVIRONMENT USING CAT URINE! to SUPPORT MY LOWER BACK to LET'S STOMP OUT AIDS AND ACNE! to ... oh, you get the idea. The point is, they have too many causes!!! And when someone stands for everything, they truly stand for nothing at all. Which is kind of like making love out of nothing at all. Which is a really bad reference to a really terrible Air Supply song. Which is sad. Please support people who listen to Air Supply.
The point is this: ("Seriously? You STILL haven't gotten to the point?", says the imaginary sarcastic person in my head.) Everyone thinks they have something to say. "I'M SO IMPORTANT!!! READ WHAT I AM WRITING!!! IT WILL CHANGE LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT JUST BY READING MY VERY FONT!!!"
The truth is this: Some people are important and have things to say. Other people are morons. Or pointless. Or not very smart. Or boring. These people will continue to be these things. A blog page won't change any of that. It will just be an additional way for that person to annoy us with their very existence.
I do not pretend to be important or think that my blog page will do anything spectacular in the grand scheme of things. I also vow to not use this for anything super-serious. There is nothing wrong with that; but there is already enough of that out there. So you won't be getting that from me. I can tell you what my blog WILL do:
1. Make you laugh, or at least giggle. Or smile. If you don't do one of those three things at some point while reading this, then I'm sorry to report that you are indeed a humorless robot. Seek help.
2. Mock everything, big and small. That's what I do, folks. I mock.
3. Offend. Or not offend. I say this because EVERYTHING offends somebody. I could be discussing lightbulbs ("Again with the lightbulbs?", says imaginary person...) and some fool will come on here and comment about how when they were 7 years old, their babysitter molested them using a box of cereal and a lightbulb, and how DARE I bring that memory up for them??!!
So; with all of that in mind; you have just read my very first blog post. Do you now feel different somehow? Like a changed person? I don't blame you one bit.
For next time: I will discuss and explain the meaning behind the title of my blogsite. (Fat Funny Female.) I will also talk about people who eat fruit in public. It is a bizarre pet peeve of mine.
I know you are all looking forward to my next blog. BECAUSE I'M IMPORTANT!!!
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