Wednesday, May 19, 2010

AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW -The "Has Simon EVER seen a Movie?" Episode

Well, it's Movie Week, folks. So of course we begin the show with Seacrest walking through the final four, as we are forced to stare at giant movie screen versions of each of their creepy faces. This left me screaming out loud in my seat, and vowing to never see Michael Lynch or Lee Dwyze in a motion picture. They both have frighteningly large noggins that should never appear on a large screen.

Seacrest then said his repetitively annoying catch phrase of "THIS American Idol!", but they attempted to choreograph the final 4 all turning their heads at the same time after the word THIS. It was supposed to be for dramatic effect, but since they apparently couldnt handle the simple act of turning their heads at the exact same time, it was instead an epic fail.

Then, just in case you still dont know who Ryan Seacrest is, he reminded you by saying "My name's Ryan Seacrest." Is it? Because I didnt know that. So thanks for explaining to me who you are again. God forbid we go five seconds without Seacrest plugging himself and his enormous ego. Its ALL about you, Ryan. Don't ever forget that.

The judges were introduced, and for some odd reason, Ellen was dressed in layers and a large scarf as if braving for a blizzard. Kara, on the other hand, had false eyelashes and massive amounts of glitter on her eyelids. Im pretty sure she was sent over in a Delorian from 1986. Simon wore his usual garb, and Randy is still pointless, and made no impact on anyone.

This Weeks Theme: Songs from The Movies. And as Saecrest pointed out, who better to help out for this category than Jamie Foxx? Well, honestly, I can probably think of a LOT of people I would have chosen over him, but that's a whole other story. I will just say that Jamie Foxx annoys me. He comes across as pompous to me, always has. Many times, Ive heard him refer to himself in first person, like "Mr. Foxx likes that!" or something equally as weird. The man's never done anything to me and I dont know him personally, but he rubs me the wrong way. Mr. Foxx gets on my nerves.

Nevertheless, he was the mentor, and he brought t-shirts for the final four to help motivate them. One said CONTESTANT and the other said ARTIST. The idea was you had to earn your Artist title, even though he pretty much gave it to everyone anyway. I think he should have had more options to choose from, such as: STONED OUT OF MY MIND, I HAVE AN ENORMOUS HEAD, AMERICAN IDOL TOOK MOST OF THE YELLOW OUT OF MY TEETH, and MY HAIR GLISTENS IN THE MOONLIGHT. For a fun home-game, you can guess which t-shirt belongs to which player.

And now, onto the performances:

THE CHILD: Oh wait ... there IS no child!!! HA HA HA!!! Imagine my giddiness when it was announced that The Child would be sent packing last week, even though for the first time in his 7 year life, he DIDNT suck on his song performance. But it didnt matter! He still went home! Bye bye child! Enjoy your time home with mommy. I hope youre allowed to stay up late and watch your cute little friends. Aww.. the only negative here is that I can no longer mock him, and mocking him is such fun. I will need to find a way to continue this hobby of The Child Mocking, even though he is Idol-no-more....

LEE DWYZE: Kiss From A Rose / From the Motion Picture "Batman Forever"

Eh. Where to start? Ill go back to what I always say about this kid. He looks high. And bored. Yes, he looks bored by his own self while singing. He looks like he is going to fall asleep at any minute, and like he wont make it to the next note without falling over of exhaustion. I dont know what it is about this guy, but he just always seems about 5 steps behind of whatever is happening on EARTH. Also, much like Danny Gokey of last year, this dude is off-key and has major pitch issues a LOT, and yet noone cares or hears it. I dont get it. He sounded way off to me. I like what he is about, what hes going for, but he never seems to succeed at it in my eyes. I know everybody loves him and he will probably end up in the top 2, but I personally dont get too excited over him. As far as the song choice, I like this song, and I LOVE Seal's voice and version of it. So that made it hard to judge too, because noone will ever sound as beautiful as Seal does on this song. Lee was average at best, didnt do much with it, and it was pretty forgetful overall.

Lee's DUH Comment: "I came across this song and uh...I said uh...I enjoy singing it and so...Im gonna sing it." Wow really? That is very deep Lee. Thank you for sharing that part of your soul with us.

MICHAEL LYNCH: I Will Be There / From the Motion Picture "Free Willy"

Free Willy? Really? Thats your choice out of all the songs in the universe from all the wonderful, Oscar winning, amazing films out there, and you choose Free Willy? Okay then. It took me half the song to get over the fact that he chose this dumb song about a stupid whale from a dumbass silly movie, but once I did, I listened and Mike had some good vocals goin on. Nothing spectacular of course, but way better than Snoozeboy Pothead.

Simon's "Im Completely Out of Touch" Comment #1: "I have no idea what FREE WILLY is. Is it about a whale? Or a willy?"

LEE - CRYSTAL DUET: Falling / from Motion Picture "Once"

I can honestly say I never in a million years thought that I would want to hear or see these two people singing together. I figured it would be a trainwreck. But you know what? This was probably my favorite performance of the night, along with the second duet. Their voices somehow unexpectedly meshed, and I love the song, and it just sounded really good. I would download that. As far as the whole face to face guitar playing thing, that was a bit strange. Kind of artsy and cool, but also a bit stalkerish. I hope Crystal brushed her yellow teeth and that Lee had some breath mints after his gallon of pot. And now that we are on the subject of TOO CLOSE SINGING , what was up with Jamie Foxx getting in all the mens faces and making them sing to him and SEDUCE him? That was bizarre, and probably just some sort of excuse for Mr. Foxx to get his rocks off. Weirdo.

CASEY JAMES: Mrs. Robinson / from the Motion Picture "The Graduate"

Loved the mandolin. Liked the song choice for him. Hey, at least it was a classic movie and not Free Willy. He sounded good on the song and I think he did add some Casey elements to the performance, changed up the rhythms a bit, and made it his own. And most importantly, his hair was back down and flowing. Hair up=bad. Hair down = good. As far as the Kara jokes and their whole flirtation thing, Im getting a bit tired of it. Its no longer funny, its a tad creepy, and you can tell Kara LOVES being the center of attention. She is really annoying.

Simons "Im Out of Touch" Comment #2:"I wont even ask what this movie is about."

CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Im Alright / from the Motion Picture "Caddyshack"

I love that Crystal chose to do the theme song from Caddyshack. Why? Because its silly, fun, and not something anyone would expect her to choose. And she kicked ass on it. This performance actually reminded me a bit of Melissa Ethridge, she really rocked loose and her vocals were awesome here. This was my fave of the solo performances by far, but I didnt think any of the solo songs were as good as the two duets, which were both fantastic.

MIKE - CASEY Duet: Have You Ever Loved A Woman / Motion Picture "Don Juan Demarco"

I thought this song was sexy, beautiful, and that their voices meshed really well on the choruses. Caseys guitar sounded great, and the harmonies were lovely. I would also download this song. Loved this performance, an unexpected surprise.

Ellens Funny Comment: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I have loved a woman." That made me giggle.

So, to sum up: The Child drinks warm milk and gets tucked in by mommy, Ellen is apparently freezing, Kara likes young boys, Mr. Foxx likes himself and also enjoys young boys staring into his eyes as they sing love songs, Seacrest is a douche and ...wait... is Randy still on the show?

I have absolutely NO idea who is going home. Your thoughts?

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