Okay, so technically, this review is about a week late. But honestly; does anyone really care at this point? I know I don't. And Im pretty sure you dont either. We all knew I'd get around to writing the review sooner or later, and since last night's "episode" was that stupid "The Men Tell All" crap where all the rejected guys come back and sit around whining like girls about why they didnt get picked; I still have plenty of time to write this up before the big finale on Monday.
So here's the rundown of what happened on last week's mess:
The show opened up with a montage of the three remaining men; Chris, Roberto, and Frank; all gazing out train windows or staring into the ocean as they each said the same exact thing with slightly different wording ... "I am falling for Ali. I am in love with Ali. I have to open up to Ali this week before its too late. I must tell her how I feel." Roberto expressed in his montage that hes "never felt this way so quickly before!" Well, no shit Sherlock! How many times have you been on a reality show where you are placed into overly-romantic situations and locations ALONE with a gorgeous woman over and over again? Of course youre going to fall for her FAST, you dipshit. Chris then says that he is "in love with Ali," and all I can think about is how badly his poor Cape Cod fragile heart is going to shatter into pieces like a shell on that beachhouse he lives in. And then, of course, there's Frank. Frank also says he is falling for Ali, then ends his evil montage with "but as I fall for Ali, Im also falling back in love with my ex-grlfriend, Nicole. I must go to Chicago and see Nicole to find out if my feelings are real."
Sigh. So let me get this straight. This asshat breaks up with his girlfriend Nicole, then proceeds to go on a REALITY SHOW to FIND A WIFE?!, right after breaking off a serious relationship, goes on the show, stays on the show until he is one of THREE men remaining, and THEN decides that, oh, by the way, Im kind of still in love with my EX? WHAAA????? And here I thought that him living with his mommy and daddy and having NO JOB was bad. This is a whole new level of ASS. Frank is now the King of Douchebaggery.
So now the Bachelorette suddently becomes "Frank's Choice" (kind of like "Sophie's Choice", but of course, waaay more dramatic and important) as we follow dumb, craphead Frank to Chicago to go talk to the love of his life Nicole. And wouldn't ya know it, when Frank comes a'knockin on Nicole's HOTEL ROOM door that "The Bachelorette" had her laid up in waitin for him, by miracle of all miracles... SHE IS HOME AND AVAILABLE TO CHAT!!! Imagine that. And while youre at it, also imagine that Nicole just happened to wear a BRIGHT YELLOW shirt while lying around in that hotel room. Ali's favorite color that she wears DAILY. Coincidence? Or "Bachelorette" producers prodding? YOU MAKE THE CALL!
Frank begins to explain to Nicole how he is feeling, and it makes absolutely zero sense. There are words coming out of his mouth, but it's as if they are all scrambled or he doesn't speak english properly. He says, "So um, I uh, um, I have spend the past long while on this journey ..." The past LONG WHILE? Try 6 weeks or whatever the hell it is. And I dont think the phrase "the past long while" even exists, idiot. Maybe get out of your moms house and go to college or something. Get an education.
So Frank continues to ramble on for what seems like an eternity about NOTHING; and Nicole listens. Apparently she is comprehending what this dolt is saying to her, but Im not. Seriously, could he take ANY LONGER to make his freakin point??? The audience watching this show doesnt know this chick Nicole, we are not invested in her NOR do we give a shit about your stupid past relationship. Is it really necessary to show us their entire conversation in this much boring detail? WHO CARES? The show must think we care,since this scene went on FOREVER. Finally ... FINALLY!!!! ... Nicole said to Frank "You need to come home to me" and my husband, who was sitting at the computer doing something, literally starting cracking up laughing and exclaimed, "What the hell is this shit?" Exactly.
Frank then tells Nicole that he needs to go back to Ali and tell her that he's leaving the show to come back to Nicole; who, of course, he BROKE UP WITH, before he even met Ali. So why the hell did they breakup in the first place? What the hell is wrong with this guy? Then... THEN!!!... he actually says to Nicole that going back to talk with Ali "is going to take a lot of courage and strength, so Im going to need to know that you are here supporting me." EEWWWW!!!! Are you for real, loser? Courage and strength to go dump a woman on national TV that is now in love with your dumb ass? COURAGE AND STRENGTH to be a completely spineless non-man of epic proportions? I think the only people who should be allowed to use the term courage and strength should be soldiers, firefighters, cops, life-saving doctors, paramedics, and survivors of true tragedies or hardships. NOT A GODDAMN SPINELESS WEASEL ON A FREAKIN REALITY SHOW!!!! Grrrr. Can you tell I officially HATE Frank now? He is maddening.
Fast-forward back to Ali, who is in TAHITI this week, and exclaims with happy music in the background that "Tahiti is the PERFECT place to fall in love!" And yes, she really said that. Again.
Ali spends time with the three remaining men on the island of TAHITI. Here is what happened during her one-on-one days with each:
ROBERTO AND ALI:
Ali giggled at the thought of how Roberto would look "so hot here in Tahiti." Gag once again.
Please just bone him already. Everyone knows you want to. I dont think you will marry him but would you please just sleep with him already so we can stop hearing about how hot you think he is? Roberto and Ali go on yet ANOTHER helicopter ride ... Yawn! ... to a heart-shaped island. Yes, I really did just say heart-shaped island, and yes, they really went there. They swam in the beautiful water, kissed a lot, giggled a lot, and then had the typical nighttime romantic outdoor dinner, complete with the "Chris Harrison PERMISSION TO F**K Room Key". What is the Permission to F**k Room Key, you ask? Well, "Bachelorette" virgins and newbies, each season, when the Bachelor/Bachelorette is down to just 3 men or women, the host of the show Chris Harrison writes up these cheesy cards and makes the dates read them aloud. They basically say something like "I hope you are enjoying your date in Tahiti. IF you should choose to forgo your seperate rooms for the night, take this Room Key and share the Suite together. Please use this time to f**k Ali's brains out. Toodles! - Chris Harrison." Then the couple decides if they would like to sleep seperately or together that night ...and they almost ALWAYS choose to stay together. Then the cameras take us into the shared Suite just to see how romantic it is ...rose pedals on the bed, hot tub, etc etc ...and thats it. Cameras leave and lights go out, and we are all assuming of course, that at the very least, there was some heavy fooling around happening. So basically; the Bachelorette has the opportunity to sleep with three men in 3 nights, and really whore it up! Good times. So Roberto and Ali of course go off to the Suite together ...and thats all we see.
CHRIS AND ALI:
Cape Cod Chris and Ali go off on a gorgeous boat ride together for their date, and they both use the word LIKE , like, every, like, five , like, seconds. Its pretty annoying. They also kiss a lot, laugh a lot, and seem to have a really nice connection. Which of course means she will tear his heart apart and he will end up commiting suicide. Chris and Ali then have their dinner ona private island, where he tells her he can see them together forever, and also tells her "I love you so much." The happier he got, the more my heart sank for him. I would bet thousands of dollars that she doesnt choose him. I know how this show works, and she wont choose him. Because that would make sense, and this show never makes sense.
THeir date also ended with Chris reading the "Chris Harrison Please F*k in the Fancy Suite" Room Key card; where he and Ali took off to and the cameras did not ....
FRANK AND ALI:
Frank first talks to Chris Harrison about his decision to leave the show and go back with Nicole. Harrison acts like a disappointed father talking to his loser son that he never loved. You can tell Harrison wants to throw this guy into the nearest body of water. Frank seems to be looking for Harrisons approval or something. And STILL, he is making no sense with his words. "I feel that Im in love with Nicole. I hope Im right." You FEEL youre in love with Nicole? Dont you KNOW? You HOPE youre right? Its not a freakin math test you moron ... its your feelings on who you want to BE with! WHAT. AN. IDIOT.
Ali runs to Frank and tells him how excited she is to go sailing with him. Frank tells HER that they need to talk, and he right away sits her down and lets her know whats going on with him. Sort of. In his retarded way. She asks him WHY didnt he say anything before now? He has no response. She is crying and very upset. ITs obvious she was in love with him more than the other two men. She just keeps crying. She tells him "I gave up EVERYTHING to be here!" and he says "I gave upeverything to be here too." At that point, I wanted to kill him myself. What an asshole thing to say to someone you are DUMPING. He is a tool. So, after a long discussion that once again made little sense, Frank left and Ali collapsed in the sand, crying. Daddy Harrison comes to comfort her, and the two share a passionate kiss and then go to the Chris Harrison F**k Suite to do it all night long.
Nah. Im kidding. But dont you wish that were true?
Thats it. Chris and Roberto remain. I heard a rumor that she chooses neither of them. I can believe that, with the way this show works. Whatever happens, I hope that stupid Nicole dumps stupid Frank and he ends up back in his mommys basement with no job, no girlfriend, and no life.
THE END
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
BACHELORETTE REVIEW: Abuser-Jake VS. White-Trash Vienna, and a Boring-Ass Episode
So, long time no type. Seems like two weeks since I last wrote up one of my mocking-toned Bachelorette reviews. Well, thats because it HAS been two weeks. I completely skipped last weeks episode and never wrote the review. Why? Because I was extremely busy all of last week gaining some very minor fame when Ashton Kutcher retweeted a video of mine and suddenly it had 14,000 views; then my parents were in town for a comedy show I did last Saturday. I didnt even get around to watching this boring show until a couple days ago. And then I had to watch THIS weeks on top of last weeks. So please - pity me. Feel bad for me. Thats a lot of Bachelorette watching. So, what Ive decided to do is combine last weeks episode with this weeks; along with the stupid Jake and Vienna "interview" they showed last week; and talk about all of it in one big ole clusterf**k review. It will be very messy ... just like Ali's hair.
So let us begin with last weeks episode, which I will try and cut a bit short in my level of detail. And might I say that the show itself cut everything short last week too, in order to get right to the Jake and Vienna stuff. It was like they were saying "Look, we know this Ali chick is boring and nothings happening right now, so lets just skip right on through all the bullshit and go right to the rose ceremony." There was no talking to Chris Harrison last week, no cocktail party, no nothin. There was, however, a LOT of people overusing the phrase "fairytale." Everything was a goddamn fairytale last week. This dinner is like a fairytale. This soup is like a fairytale. This dump Im taking is such a fairytale. This castle is a fairytale. Ali actually said "Im realizing that life is not a fairytale, but love is." YOU DOPE! THATS the message you are getting from being on this show? Wow, you are really in for a severe heartbreaking.
The fairytale took place in Portugal last week; where the men all stayed together in yet another giant suite that looked exactly the same as all the other giant suites in every single other country so far. Ali came out to greet the men; and in this particular episode, every outfit she wore was horrendous. Now Im no fashion queen, but cmon. This is the best you can do, with an entire staff of production crew to help you get dressed and choose outfits? She had this ridiculous green tank top on with bright red pants. Basically, she looked like a Christmas ornament. Very tacky.
There were about a gazillion dates on last weeks episode. Lets get through them as quickly as possible.
DATE ONE: Ty / Frank / Ali
The ole two on one awkward date that began with yet another helicopter ride.
Ali was acting strange the whole time, as she started to realize how REAL this all REALLY is. Sigh.
Frank tells Ali a huge secret. That he lives with his parents and has no job. She doesnt seem to mind. In fact, she has absolutely no reaction at all to this. So I guess she is totally fine with a directionless zero whos in his 30s and living with mommy and DOESNT WORK. Whatever. But then on the other end of the spectrum, youve got Ty, who likes his women barefoot and in the kitchen. He tries to backpeddle a bit by reassuring Ali that he would be "tickled pink" if she were to go out and work. I seriously almost gagged. So I guess its either A. support Frank while he sits home and finds himself or B. bake cookies while Ty goes out on the workfront in 1954. Great options. Since no roses were given out on the dates last week, both men got to stay and wait until the rose ceremony to see if they were REALLY staying.
DATE TWO: Kirk and Ali
Kurk and Ali went to a fairytale palace castle-like place, where she spent much of her time stressing and worrying about this entire process and bumming Kurk out. Kurk brought up his damn past with MOLD yet again and opened up about how he feels he is deserving of love, despite being attacked by mold. Then an old women sang to them in Portugese as they danced in the moonlight. Like a fairytale.
DATE THREE: Chris and Ali
Can I just say right now that despite the fact this show is completely ridiculous and I dont CARE who she ends up with because its all BS anyway and will result in a breakup a month later ... despite all of that; I really really like Chris. A lot. He seems incredibly normal, funny, and hes from my home state of Massachusetts and has that Mass sarcastic humor that I love. I just have no idea why someone that seemingly normal would go on a show like this to begin with, so he must have SOME issues, but he seems great and I would totally choose him right now and just end the show.
But since that wont happen, Chris and Ali rode mopeds and Ali took control of the bike and the relationship to move it forward. Chris gave Ali a special bracelet that his sisters also wear; something to do with his dead mom; I didnt really grasp what he was saying, but it was a nice gift.
And thats it folks. Rose Ceremony. Ali sent Ty home and he was really upset in the limo ride leaving. Apparently he thought Ali and him would be together forever. Nope. Guess not. Too bad for you.
If this review feels rushed, thats EXACTLY how the episode felt, because the last 40minutes or so were spent on the EXCLUSIVE interview with Jake and Vienna. So lets talk about that for a bit ....
JAKE VS. VIENNA INTERVIEW:
I would just like to say that if one more media show asks if we are on Team Jake or Team Vienna, I might throw my TV out my 3 story window. Im on Team Who Gives a Shit because they are both immature, whiney, annoying fame whores. Seriously. This was one of the most ridiculously CHILDISH conversations I have ever heard between two people on or off television. The fact that these two idiots are adults is somewhat astounding.
Chris Harrison began by saying how SORRY he was that "we are all meeting up like this. I wish it was under happier circumstances." NO YOU DONT you douchebag. This is EXACTLY what you and ABC wanted. This exclusive interview where Jake and Vienna can barely look at one another, and where they yell at each other on tv, and your ratings go through the roof. Stop being so phony.
So basically what we have here is a white trash drama queen from Tackyville Florida vs. a Domineering Condescending, phony smiled No Emotion Women Abuser Robot; disguised as the All American Boy. Jake is an ass. Pure and simple. The way he was talking to her, the tone he was using during this interview; it was like he was talking to a puppy or a small child. I actually felt badly for her for a few seconds. Until she started yapping. Vienna is unbelievably annoying. SHe is an emotional basketcase, and he has no emotion. He cuts her off, yells, loses his temper often, and on two different occcasions screamed at her STOP INTERUPTING ME and theone that really made me cringe; "Babe ... BE QUIET when I am talking." That statement just about made me throw up right there. What a douche. There was one point when they ACTUALLY were arguing and saying "you broke up with me " "no you broke up with me" etc. It was embarassing. The trainwreck of an interview ended when Jake blew up for the last time and Vienna broke down in overdramatic tears, weeping and "fleeing the interview." (Fargo)
Talk about 40 minutes of pointless television.
THIS WEEKS EPISODE:
This week, Ali went to each guys hometown to meet the families of the men who she is going to break up with or leave in the dust or not propose to or propose to and not mean it. So, here we go:
TAMPA FLORIDA: First up was Roberto's family in Tampa. Roberto put on his baseball uniform and he and Ali played baseball on the field he used to play on, then they went to meet his family. He has a strict Navy dad, a mom that looks way too young for his dad, and a lot of other very ethnic people in a house where Ali seemed incredibly misplaced and out of touch. They seemed to all get along okay, but it wasnt very natural.
CAPE COD MASS / CHRIS: I am biast. I love Cape Cod and I love Chris. Gorgeous place. Chris was waiting with his dog on some rocks by the beach for Ali, and they walked along the beach and hung out before going home to meet the family. The house was a shrine to Chris mom who died of cancer last year, and it seemed a bit sad but also filled with love and warmth. His father is probably oneof the nicest men alive it seems, and he almost got me teary eyed when he was talking about how he met his wife and recalling stories about her. Chris's family seemed very protective over him, but very very nice and welcoming. Ali seemed to fit in there very well. She is a moron if she doesnt choose him, but since this show is filled with nothing BUT morons, Im 100% sure she will not choose him.
CHICAGO ILLINOIS / FRANK: When Frank and Ali met up in the streets of Chicago, she literally ran into his arms and went YAYYY!!!! Like, she actually said "Yay!" like a little girl. Clearly, Frank is the one that Ali wants most, and the one that she is falling for. Her eyes light up and sparkle whenever she is with him, and she does more giggling with him than anyone else. So, of course, he will be the one to crush her heart next week when he tells her whatever hes going to tell her;whatever they have been building up to this whole season. There is a LOT of sobbing happening in next weeks preivews, so my guess is that Frank either has an A. girlfriend B. fiance or C. wife at home. Why the HELL he would wait til NOW to tell her this is beyond me, but I guess we will find out. Does anyone on this show NOT have a secret girlfriend???
Anyway, Frank starts acting all weirdlike and whiney and scared, and they both talk about how scared they are of each other and of being happy together, etc. She meets the family, and Franks mom is very sweet, very normal, nice. I seriously cannot remember the rest so it must have been incredibly boring. I believe that she got along VERY well with Franks family, and that she fit in nicely.
GREENBAY WISCONSIN / KURK: I cant recall what they did before meeting Kurks family, so lets just skip ahead to the family meetup. Kurks dad is a total nerd who collects animal heads in his basement. Creepster! He actually said to Ali "Wanna see my basement?" like a child molestor. Kurks stepmom had THE most annoying accent Ive ever heard in my entire life. Kurks parents are divorced, so Ali then had to go and meet Kurks real mom and grandmother. His mom was quite bizarre. Weird looking with braces and messed up hair. She told Ali the story of how Kurk was "when he was sick" (the godamn mold again) and how strong he was, etc. Ali and the mom shared a moment. Kurk tells his family he is falling for Ali, and then Ali sends him packing at the rose ceremony.
So we now have Frank, Chris, Roberto. And next week ... Frank screws everything up.
THE END.
So let us begin with last weeks episode, which I will try and cut a bit short in my level of detail. And might I say that the show itself cut everything short last week too, in order to get right to the Jake and Vienna stuff. It was like they were saying "Look, we know this Ali chick is boring and nothings happening right now, so lets just skip right on through all the bullshit and go right to the rose ceremony." There was no talking to Chris Harrison last week, no cocktail party, no nothin. There was, however, a LOT of people overusing the phrase "fairytale." Everything was a goddamn fairytale last week. This dinner is like a fairytale. This soup is like a fairytale. This dump Im taking is such a fairytale. This castle is a fairytale. Ali actually said "Im realizing that life is not a fairytale, but love is." YOU DOPE! THATS the message you are getting from being on this show? Wow, you are really in for a severe heartbreaking.
The fairytale took place in Portugal last week; where the men all stayed together in yet another giant suite that looked exactly the same as all the other giant suites in every single other country so far. Ali came out to greet the men; and in this particular episode, every outfit she wore was horrendous. Now Im no fashion queen, but cmon. This is the best you can do, with an entire staff of production crew to help you get dressed and choose outfits? She had this ridiculous green tank top on with bright red pants. Basically, she looked like a Christmas ornament. Very tacky.
There were about a gazillion dates on last weeks episode. Lets get through them as quickly as possible.
DATE ONE: Ty / Frank / Ali
The ole two on one awkward date that began with yet another helicopter ride.
Ali was acting strange the whole time, as she started to realize how REAL this all REALLY is. Sigh.
Frank tells Ali a huge secret. That he lives with his parents and has no job. She doesnt seem to mind. In fact, she has absolutely no reaction at all to this. So I guess she is totally fine with a directionless zero whos in his 30s and living with mommy and DOESNT WORK. Whatever. But then on the other end of the spectrum, youve got Ty, who likes his women barefoot and in the kitchen. He tries to backpeddle a bit by reassuring Ali that he would be "tickled pink" if she were to go out and work. I seriously almost gagged. So I guess its either A. support Frank while he sits home and finds himself or B. bake cookies while Ty goes out on the workfront in 1954. Great options. Since no roses were given out on the dates last week, both men got to stay and wait until the rose ceremony to see if they were REALLY staying.
DATE TWO: Kirk and Ali
Kurk and Ali went to a fairytale palace castle-like place, where she spent much of her time stressing and worrying about this entire process and bumming Kurk out. Kurk brought up his damn past with MOLD yet again and opened up about how he feels he is deserving of love, despite being attacked by mold. Then an old women sang to them in Portugese as they danced in the moonlight. Like a fairytale.
DATE THREE: Chris and Ali
Can I just say right now that despite the fact this show is completely ridiculous and I dont CARE who she ends up with because its all BS anyway and will result in a breakup a month later ... despite all of that; I really really like Chris. A lot. He seems incredibly normal, funny, and hes from my home state of Massachusetts and has that Mass sarcastic humor that I love. I just have no idea why someone that seemingly normal would go on a show like this to begin with, so he must have SOME issues, but he seems great and I would totally choose him right now and just end the show.
But since that wont happen, Chris and Ali rode mopeds and Ali took control of the bike and the relationship to move it forward. Chris gave Ali a special bracelet that his sisters also wear; something to do with his dead mom; I didnt really grasp what he was saying, but it was a nice gift.
And thats it folks. Rose Ceremony. Ali sent Ty home and he was really upset in the limo ride leaving. Apparently he thought Ali and him would be together forever. Nope. Guess not. Too bad for you.
If this review feels rushed, thats EXACTLY how the episode felt, because the last 40minutes or so were spent on the EXCLUSIVE interview with Jake and Vienna. So lets talk about that for a bit ....
JAKE VS. VIENNA INTERVIEW:
I would just like to say that if one more media show asks if we are on Team Jake or Team Vienna, I might throw my TV out my 3 story window. Im on Team Who Gives a Shit because they are both immature, whiney, annoying fame whores. Seriously. This was one of the most ridiculously CHILDISH conversations I have ever heard between two people on or off television. The fact that these two idiots are adults is somewhat astounding.
Chris Harrison began by saying how SORRY he was that "we are all meeting up like this. I wish it was under happier circumstances." NO YOU DONT you douchebag. This is EXACTLY what you and ABC wanted. This exclusive interview where Jake and Vienna can barely look at one another, and where they yell at each other on tv, and your ratings go through the roof. Stop being so phony.
So basically what we have here is a white trash drama queen from Tackyville Florida vs. a Domineering Condescending, phony smiled No Emotion Women Abuser Robot; disguised as the All American Boy. Jake is an ass. Pure and simple. The way he was talking to her, the tone he was using during this interview; it was like he was talking to a puppy or a small child. I actually felt badly for her for a few seconds. Until she started yapping. Vienna is unbelievably annoying. SHe is an emotional basketcase, and he has no emotion. He cuts her off, yells, loses his temper often, and on two different occcasions screamed at her STOP INTERUPTING ME and theone that really made me cringe; "Babe ... BE QUIET when I am talking." That statement just about made me throw up right there. What a douche. There was one point when they ACTUALLY were arguing and saying "you broke up with me " "no you broke up with me" etc. It was embarassing. The trainwreck of an interview ended when Jake blew up for the last time and Vienna broke down in overdramatic tears, weeping and "fleeing the interview." (Fargo)
Talk about 40 minutes of pointless television.
THIS WEEKS EPISODE:
This week, Ali went to each guys hometown to meet the families of the men who she is going to break up with or leave in the dust or not propose to or propose to and not mean it. So, here we go:
TAMPA FLORIDA: First up was Roberto's family in Tampa. Roberto put on his baseball uniform and he and Ali played baseball on the field he used to play on, then they went to meet his family. He has a strict Navy dad, a mom that looks way too young for his dad, and a lot of other very ethnic people in a house where Ali seemed incredibly misplaced and out of touch. They seemed to all get along okay, but it wasnt very natural.
CAPE COD MASS / CHRIS: I am biast. I love Cape Cod and I love Chris. Gorgeous place. Chris was waiting with his dog on some rocks by the beach for Ali, and they walked along the beach and hung out before going home to meet the family. The house was a shrine to Chris mom who died of cancer last year, and it seemed a bit sad but also filled with love and warmth. His father is probably oneof the nicest men alive it seems, and he almost got me teary eyed when he was talking about how he met his wife and recalling stories about her. Chris's family seemed very protective over him, but very very nice and welcoming. Ali seemed to fit in there very well. She is a moron if she doesnt choose him, but since this show is filled with nothing BUT morons, Im 100% sure she will not choose him.
CHICAGO ILLINOIS / FRANK: When Frank and Ali met up in the streets of Chicago, she literally ran into his arms and went YAYYY!!!! Like, she actually said "Yay!" like a little girl. Clearly, Frank is the one that Ali wants most, and the one that she is falling for. Her eyes light up and sparkle whenever she is with him, and she does more giggling with him than anyone else. So, of course, he will be the one to crush her heart next week when he tells her whatever hes going to tell her;whatever they have been building up to this whole season. There is a LOT of sobbing happening in next weeks preivews, so my guess is that Frank either has an A. girlfriend B. fiance or C. wife at home. Why the HELL he would wait til NOW to tell her this is beyond me, but I guess we will find out. Does anyone on this show NOT have a secret girlfriend???
Anyway, Frank starts acting all weirdlike and whiney and scared, and they both talk about how scared they are of each other and of being happy together, etc. She meets the family, and Franks mom is very sweet, very normal, nice. I seriously cannot remember the rest so it must have been incredibly boring. I believe that she got along VERY well with Franks family, and that she fit in nicely.
GREENBAY WISCONSIN / KURK: I cant recall what they did before meeting Kurks family, so lets just skip ahead to the family meetup. Kurks dad is a total nerd who collects animal heads in his basement. Creepster! He actually said to Ali "Wanna see my basement?" like a child molestor. Kurks stepmom had THE most annoying accent Ive ever heard in my entire life. Kurks parents are divorced, so Ali then had to go and meet Kurks real mom and grandmother. His mom was quite bizarre. Weird looking with braces and messed up hair. She told Ali the story of how Kurk was "when he was sick" (the godamn mold again) and how strong he was, etc. Ali and the mom shared a moment. Kurk tells his family he is falling for Ali, and then Ali sends him packing at the rose ceremony.
So we now have Frank, Chris, Roberto. And next week ... Frank screws everything up.
THE END.
BACHELORETTE REVIEW: "Someone Isnt Here for the Right Reasons" Episode
If you haven't been keeping up with this riveting series or my reviews of it, then you might wonder what the definition of the term "non-drama drama" is. Well, Id be happy to share. Its a term I made up for something that is supposed to be dramatic, but isnt dramatic at all; OR; something that really could be dramatic, but that is made into a much bigger deal than it needs to be on this show. This particular Ali season has been FILLED with non-dramatic dramatic moments; which often results in a big ole giant snoozefest. When producers try to create drama where there is none, or a semi-dramatic storyline develops but involves an EXTREMELY boring person; then you get a lot of zzzzzzzzzz ... oh, Im sorry. Did I fall asleep just now? I didnt mean to. This weeks episode was SO FREAKIN BORING that I think I developed narcolepcy while watching it.
We, the viewers, have already been treated to lots of non-dramatic drama in the Ali season. Here are some examples:
1. The huuuuge deal the producers made about Kasey being "creepy." Playing weird horror music everytime he was onscreen, making the tattoo thing a MUCH bigger deal than it really was, etc. In the end, he was just a very weird dude with a voice like a frog. Dork? Yes. A bit strange? Absolutely! But creepy? I dont think so.
2. Kurt's retarded MOLD story. This was perhaps THE most boring, pointless, doesnt matter story ever. And they built it up like it was this huge secret that would change their relationship forever; made it sound like he was "hiding something" from Ali. No. The dude got some mold poisoning awhile back and got very ill from it. Thats it. Who the hell cares?
3. The Weatherman and all of his weirdness and emotional baggage. They made it seem as if he was very unstable and clingy with Ali. Yes, the guy was extremely odd. And yes, he made weather references all the damn time and I wanted to kill him for that. But they spent way too much time focusing on this loser for no real reason.
And this week; the non-drama drama starts up pretty much right away after the wacky guys and gal land in Istanbul, Turkey. Ali exclaims: "I didnt realize that 13 million people lived here!" No, of course you didnt. Until the producers handed you that card which told you that 13 million people live there. Ali then went on and on about how happy she is right now, and how NOTHING could possibly go wrong at this point! And then .... you guessed it ... it goes wrong. Cue dramatic music.
Douchebag Harrison shows up at Ali's Suite with some bad news. Because thats Harrison's job; besides saying: "Ali, you have one rose left .... take a minute ....when youre ready...." Thats his FAVORITE job that gives him a reason to wake up in the morning; but he REALLY gets off when there is some huge drama going on that he gets to report to the Bachelorette. Cuz then he gets some true screen time. When the producers told him that Justin had a girlfriend and that he gets to break the news to Ali, he probably went off to his Bachelorette room and jerked off because he was so excited by this. So anyway, Harrison knocks on Ali's door and tells her the bad news that someone "isnt here for the right reasons." Then, just to drag this out as much as possible, he tells Ali that he is going to call Jesse, who was on last seasons Bachelor with Jake, and let Ali talk to Jesse on the phone. (What the hell Jesse has to do with ANYTHING is beyond me) So he calls Jesse: and Im not kidding; her phone must have rang 11 times before she finally picked it up. CMON! Like she wasnt sitting right there waiting for this call that she KNEW was coming? Such bullshit.
Ali and Jesse get on the phone, and Jesse tells Ali that "someone is not there for the right reasons, and that someone is Justin. He has a girlfriend." Ali asks Jesse how she knows this, and Jesse says "because Im sitting right here with her!" (more dramatic music) Ladies and gentlemen ... nondrama drama. So the stupid girlfriend now gets on the phone and immediately starts crying her head off. Her and Ali have a really boring conversation about how Justin planned on using the show to promote his wrestling career, and making it to the "top 3". Gee, where have we heard this before? Ummm, can you say WES? That was LAST seasons guy who "wasnt there for the right reasons", and was there to promote his shitty music career. At least HE had a hilariously horrific cheesy personality that was fun to mock. Justin is about as exciting as that Mold that almost murdered Kurk. But we will get to that soon. Back to the boring phonecall. Dumb girlfriend sobs some more and tells Ali that her and Justin have been together for over 2 years; and that one day, out of the blue, he says he is going to go on The Bachelorette to promote his career, but that he loves HER and not to worry, etc. She says she went along with it because she loved him. Im sorry, but thats where you lose me. You WENT ALONG WITH IT? Really? Well lady, you are officially an idiot. Ali gets off the phone with the boring girlfriend, and Chris Harrison acts all "father-figure, I care about you as a person" with Ali; telling her how very sorry he is and asking what she wants to do. Ali decides to go downstairs right now and confront Justin.
What followed was the most boring confrontation EVER on network television. I couldnt believe my eyes and ears while watching this stupid, infantile, lameass, no purpose, go nowhere scene between Ali and Justin. TERRIBLE! It was very difficult to stay awake, to be honest with you. Because not only was it boring, but it went on and on and on and on.... If any of you saw it, you surely know what Im talking about.
First of all, for the total douchebag that Justin is, Ali didnt really seem to care all that much one way or the other about him. When she was told about Justins intentions by Chris, she kind of just sat there going "mmhmm" over and over. There were no tears, no sadness, not much anger or emotion at all. She just said she wanted him gone. Understandable. But Its hard to believe that she had developed ANY sort of feelings for this guy at all. If she did, it did not show one bit.
Ali goes down to the room where all the men are; and Harrison follows her like a wounded puppy. He tells the men "Men - Ali has something to say." Wow thanks! Its a good thing you told them that, because otherwise noone would have figured that out when she started moving her lips to talk. What would we do without you Harrison? Ali asks the men if this has been hard on them, then she says "Well Justin it must be especially hard on YOU since your girlfriend is at home waiting for you!" (this moment was supposed to be dramatic but it wasnt.) Justin says nothing. Ali continues to probe and say the word girlfriend about 4 more times. Justin hops off on his crutches (which he got rid of last week so why are they back on again?) and again says nothing. Ali tells him to stay and talk like a MAN!!! He hops away. Ali says that she is "pissed." She tells us this four times. Into the camera. To Chris Harrison. To Justin. To the men. I guess she is pissed. Or she wants us to think she is pissed. Either way - more nondrama-drama.
Ali goes after Justin after he exits whatever building they are all in. All the girly-gossipy-men watch through the window as the drama unfolds. They say shocking things about Justin like:
"Hes nothing but a JERK!" (ooooohhh! Watch your language there buddy! This is a family show!)
"I hope he has to swim in those crutches!" (Ummm, okay. Good one!)
"We are in Turkey, and He is a Turkey!" (this isnt the exact quote, but I swear someone actually said that. Im not making it up.)
So Hopalong Justin hops over fences, through bushes, over endless fields of grass ... there seems to be an obstacle course outside wherever he goes, and Ali is following him half-yelling things like: "Cmon Justin! Is this how you want to be perceived? Talk to me like a man Justin! Are you really just going to walk away?" He keeps walking away. Finally, after what seems like hours of watching him limp and hop along and getting nowhere, Justin comes back and sits on a random bench with Ali. This was pretty much their dialogue:
Justin: So, Im sure you like, wanna chop off my head right now and everything ....
Ali: your girlfriend ....
Justin: Well....she like.....like my best friend and ummm....going into this and ....wth 100% of my heart and I did that but then I .... well this is the thing ... like...like about what? I dont...ummm...I didnt...no no...Im not sure."
Ali: She was sobbing on the phone! Are you saying she lied to me? That your girlfriend is a liar?
Justin" Ummm no no ...Im not... the thing is ... I dont.... we are best friends...and ....
Ali: she said that you two have been planning this from the beginning, and that it was to get famous only, and that the whole time you have been calilng her and leaving messages etc.
Justin: No no I didnt, well... I mean... no , It wasnt to get famous and no messages, I ....Im sorry....
He literally MADE NO SENSE. It was like she was talking to someone from another country who doesnt speak english, except that conversation would have made more sense than this one. And as Justin hopped away for the final time, all the many phone messages he left for his girlfriend played out for the TV audience to hear. That was pretty funny.
So we move on from stupid Justin. After all, we do have DATES to go on this week with Ali.
Ty gets the one on one date, and all the other men bitch and moan about it like women.
TY AND ALI's DATE:
The date basically included a lot of giggling, relaxing, saying the word AWESOME every two seconds, massaging one another, kissing while sitting in a turkish bath together, and more porn-like massage. Later on; the two lovebirds have a romantic dinner by the water; where Ali interrogates Ty about his first marriage and finds out that hes a true country boy at heart. Not always a good thing. Sure, he opens doors for you and is a gentleman; BUT; he also told her that a huge reason his first marriage ended was because he couldnt deal with his wife being in the work force. Then he actually said "Im startin to realize now that women can work! they are CEOs and Presidents of companies!" Ummm, YEAH JACKASS! Who are you, Ralph Kramden? Is this 1947? You REALLY didnt know that women WORK? Way to stay relevant in society dude. But hey, he kisses great, so stupid Ali gave him the rose and he stays.
GROUP DATE:
The group date was Kurk, Roberto, Craig, and Chris. Ali tells them that they are going to be embracing Turkish tradition and fighting for one-on-one time with her. Guess how? No, really. Just guess. TURKISH OLIVE OIL WRESTLING. This involves Ali smothering the shirtless men in olive oil, and then pairing them up with professional olive oil wrestlers; because apparently this is a big deal sport in Turkey; and making them roll around covered in olive oil half nude with other giant, half nude dudes who look like they are wearing Depends. The winner gets a date that night with Ali. Yeah. So: THIS IS THE GAYEST THING EVER ON THIS SHOW!!! And thats saying a lot, since every week they make these men do something incredibly GAY to "prove their love and devotion" to Ali. Nothin really shows your love for a woman like rolling around naked covered in olive oil with another ...... man. Most ridiculous thing ever. So they pair up and do the gay porn ... I mean ... wrestling thing .... and everyone pretty much lost against their PRO better half. Except Craig, who has had NO one on one dates with Ali and was determined to wrestle his little gay ass off to get one. So he is declared the winner. But then ... THEN ... they make the men go up against each OTHER in yet another round of gayness. So what the hell was the purpose of the pro-wrestlers then? MAKES NO SENSE. So Roberto and Craig pair up, and Craig fights hard and somehow wins. And that, my friends, is the entire group date. Can you imagine if you are one of these four men and THATS your group date with Ali? Having her watch as you bump uglies with some half naked dude, and then you go home? I would be PISSED. Much like Ali was when she found out Justin has a girlfriend. Uh huh.
CRAIG AND ALIS DATE:
They go on a boatride, then watch fireworks while eating desserts and champagne.
They hug awkwardly and have ZERO chemistry. He is under the impression that he is interesting and that he will keep seeing Ali. I think I fell asleep after that, and so did Ali.
FRANK AND ALIS DATE:
Frank gets the official second one on one date with Ali. All the guys are mad as hell and not gonna take it, because Frank already HAD a one on one date way back in the beginning. Well WAAAHHHH!! Get the hell over it you big babies. She likes him, so hes getting another one. Sit home and knit some sweaters and watch The Gilmore Girls in your Turkish Suite; or whatever the hell you gayboys do together while not out with Ali.
Frank and Ali meet up and have great chemistry right from the first second. Its clear that she likes him a lot. Which of course means that their relationship will end in heartache. But for now, they walk around the streets of Turkey; haggling for items in the market, trying on ridiculous outfits and buying a carpet after being forced by a pushy salesdude. Then Ali takes Frank to dinner in a "magical" place. He pours his heart out to her, and she stares at him in silence before saying that her feelings for him "scare her." She is afraid of having them not returned, and afraid to fall for him. They kiss and kiss and she says he has the potential to break her heart. Its almost as if she KNOWS that something terribly awful will happen next week between her and Frank, according to the preview scenes. He tells her something that changes everything, and there is LOTS of crying and tears from both of them. Gee. I wonder if he was also attacked by MOLD. Or maybe he had a headcold once. Or the flu. That would be devestating.
Holy Christ are we done here yet? I TOLD you this episode was boring. Ali sits down with Chris Douchebag Harrison and tells him that she doesnt need to have a Cocktail Party tonight because she already knows who she wants to send home, and she doesnt feel its fair to that person to put them through a party where they might think they are staying. Well thank GOD for small miracles, at least THIS part of the show wasnt dragged out. After she tells Harrison the news, she looks out the window longingly.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Yawn. Ali gave roses to everyone, until the two left standing were Kurk and Craig. Harrison said his line: "Ali, this is the final rose ... whenever youre ready .... " Then Ali stood with the rose in her hand for about 4.6 hours looking dramatically and then ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh Im sorry, did I fall asleep AGAIN? Wow. I apoligize. She sent Craig home. Huge surprise. Not.
Craig looked like death warmed over as he left Turkey confused and forlorn. I always love the moment when whoever is being sent home finds out; and then Douchebag Harrison says "Im sorry Craig ... take a moment... say your goodbyes." Its SO PHONY. As if Harrison gives a crap about these men and who goes home or not. Anyway, Craig seemed brokenhearted and shocked that he was going home; and I needed to be revived after falling asleep yet again. Next weeks episode, in two days, is in Portugal. PLEASE let there be some ACTUAL drama and let it be more exciting than this borefest was.
Seacrest Out! Oh sorry. Wrong show.
We, the viewers, have already been treated to lots of non-dramatic drama in the Ali season. Here are some examples:
1. The huuuuge deal the producers made about Kasey being "creepy." Playing weird horror music everytime he was onscreen, making the tattoo thing a MUCH bigger deal than it really was, etc. In the end, he was just a very weird dude with a voice like a frog. Dork? Yes. A bit strange? Absolutely! But creepy? I dont think so.
2. Kurt's retarded MOLD story. This was perhaps THE most boring, pointless, doesnt matter story ever. And they built it up like it was this huge secret that would change their relationship forever; made it sound like he was "hiding something" from Ali. No. The dude got some mold poisoning awhile back and got very ill from it. Thats it. Who the hell cares?
3. The Weatherman and all of his weirdness and emotional baggage. They made it seem as if he was very unstable and clingy with Ali. Yes, the guy was extremely odd. And yes, he made weather references all the damn time and I wanted to kill him for that. But they spent way too much time focusing on this loser for no real reason.
And this week; the non-drama drama starts up pretty much right away after the wacky guys and gal land in Istanbul, Turkey. Ali exclaims: "I didnt realize that 13 million people lived here!" No, of course you didnt. Until the producers handed you that card which told you that 13 million people live there. Ali then went on and on about how happy she is right now, and how NOTHING could possibly go wrong at this point! And then .... you guessed it ... it goes wrong. Cue dramatic music.
Douchebag Harrison shows up at Ali's Suite with some bad news. Because thats Harrison's job; besides saying: "Ali, you have one rose left .... take a minute ....when youre ready...." Thats his FAVORITE job that gives him a reason to wake up in the morning; but he REALLY gets off when there is some huge drama going on that he gets to report to the Bachelorette. Cuz then he gets some true screen time. When the producers told him that Justin had a girlfriend and that he gets to break the news to Ali, he probably went off to his Bachelorette room and jerked off because he was so excited by this. So anyway, Harrison knocks on Ali's door and tells her the bad news that someone "isnt here for the right reasons." Then, just to drag this out as much as possible, he tells Ali that he is going to call Jesse, who was on last seasons Bachelor with Jake, and let Ali talk to Jesse on the phone. (What the hell Jesse has to do with ANYTHING is beyond me) So he calls Jesse: and Im not kidding; her phone must have rang 11 times before she finally picked it up. CMON! Like she wasnt sitting right there waiting for this call that she KNEW was coming? Such bullshit.
Ali and Jesse get on the phone, and Jesse tells Ali that "someone is not there for the right reasons, and that someone is Justin. He has a girlfriend." Ali asks Jesse how she knows this, and Jesse says "because Im sitting right here with her!" (more dramatic music) Ladies and gentlemen ... nondrama drama. So the stupid girlfriend now gets on the phone and immediately starts crying her head off. Her and Ali have a really boring conversation about how Justin planned on using the show to promote his wrestling career, and making it to the "top 3". Gee, where have we heard this before? Ummm, can you say WES? That was LAST seasons guy who "wasnt there for the right reasons", and was there to promote his shitty music career. At least HE had a hilariously horrific cheesy personality that was fun to mock. Justin is about as exciting as that Mold that almost murdered Kurk. But we will get to that soon. Back to the boring phonecall. Dumb girlfriend sobs some more and tells Ali that her and Justin have been together for over 2 years; and that one day, out of the blue, he says he is going to go on The Bachelorette to promote his career, but that he loves HER and not to worry, etc. She says she went along with it because she loved him. Im sorry, but thats where you lose me. You WENT ALONG WITH IT? Really? Well lady, you are officially an idiot. Ali gets off the phone with the boring girlfriend, and Chris Harrison acts all "father-figure, I care about you as a person" with Ali; telling her how very sorry he is and asking what she wants to do. Ali decides to go downstairs right now and confront Justin.
What followed was the most boring confrontation EVER on network television. I couldnt believe my eyes and ears while watching this stupid, infantile, lameass, no purpose, go nowhere scene between Ali and Justin. TERRIBLE! It was very difficult to stay awake, to be honest with you. Because not only was it boring, but it went on and on and on and on.... If any of you saw it, you surely know what Im talking about.
First of all, for the total douchebag that Justin is, Ali didnt really seem to care all that much one way or the other about him. When she was told about Justins intentions by Chris, she kind of just sat there going "mmhmm" over and over. There were no tears, no sadness, not much anger or emotion at all. She just said she wanted him gone. Understandable. But Its hard to believe that she had developed ANY sort of feelings for this guy at all. If she did, it did not show one bit.
Ali goes down to the room where all the men are; and Harrison follows her like a wounded puppy. He tells the men "Men - Ali has something to say." Wow thanks! Its a good thing you told them that, because otherwise noone would have figured that out when she started moving her lips to talk. What would we do without you Harrison? Ali asks the men if this has been hard on them, then she says "Well Justin it must be especially hard on YOU since your girlfriend is at home waiting for you!" (this moment was supposed to be dramatic but it wasnt.) Justin says nothing. Ali continues to probe and say the word girlfriend about 4 more times. Justin hops off on his crutches (which he got rid of last week so why are they back on again?) and again says nothing. Ali tells him to stay and talk like a MAN!!! He hops away. Ali says that she is "pissed." She tells us this four times. Into the camera. To Chris Harrison. To Justin. To the men. I guess she is pissed. Or she wants us to think she is pissed. Either way - more nondrama-drama.
Ali goes after Justin after he exits whatever building they are all in. All the girly-gossipy-men watch through the window as the drama unfolds. They say shocking things about Justin like:
"Hes nothing but a JERK!" (ooooohhh! Watch your language there buddy! This is a family show!)
"I hope he has to swim in those crutches!" (Ummm, okay. Good one!)
"We are in Turkey, and He is a Turkey!" (this isnt the exact quote, but I swear someone actually said that. Im not making it up.)
So Hopalong Justin hops over fences, through bushes, over endless fields of grass ... there seems to be an obstacle course outside wherever he goes, and Ali is following him half-yelling things like: "Cmon Justin! Is this how you want to be perceived? Talk to me like a man Justin! Are you really just going to walk away?" He keeps walking away. Finally, after what seems like hours of watching him limp and hop along and getting nowhere, Justin comes back and sits on a random bench with Ali. This was pretty much their dialogue:
Justin: So, Im sure you like, wanna chop off my head right now and everything ....
Ali: your girlfriend ....
Justin: Well....she like.....like my best friend and ummm....going into this and ....wth 100% of my heart and I did that but then I .... well this is the thing ... like...like about what? I dont...ummm...I didnt...no no...Im not sure."
Ali: She was sobbing on the phone! Are you saying she lied to me? That your girlfriend is a liar?
Justin" Ummm no no ...Im not... the thing is ... I dont.... we are best friends...and ....
Ali: she said that you two have been planning this from the beginning, and that it was to get famous only, and that the whole time you have been calilng her and leaving messages etc.
Justin: No no I didnt, well... I mean... no , It wasnt to get famous and no messages, I ....Im sorry....
He literally MADE NO SENSE. It was like she was talking to someone from another country who doesnt speak english, except that conversation would have made more sense than this one. And as Justin hopped away for the final time, all the many phone messages he left for his girlfriend played out for the TV audience to hear. That was pretty funny.
So we move on from stupid Justin. After all, we do have DATES to go on this week with Ali.
Ty gets the one on one date, and all the other men bitch and moan about it like women.
TY AND ALI's DATE:
The date basically included a lot of giggling, relaxing, saying the word AWESOME every two seconds, massaging one another, kissing while sitting in a turkish bath together, and more porn-like massage. Later on; the two lovebirds have a romantic dinner by the water; where Ali interrogates Ty about his first marriage and finds out that hes a true country boy at heart. Not always a good thing. Sure, he opens doors for you and is a gentleman; BUT; he also told her that a huge reason his first marriage ended was because he couldnt deal with his wife being in the work force. Then he actually said "Im startin to realize now that women can work! they are CEOs and Presidents of companies!" Ummm, YEAH JACKASS! Who are you, Ralph Kramden? Is this 1947? You REALLY didnt know that women WORK? Way to stay relevant in society dude. But hey, he kisses great, so stupid Ali gave him the rose and he stays.
GROUP DATE:
The group date was Kurk, Roberto, Craig, and Chris. Ali tells them that they are going to be embracing Turkish tradition and fighting for one-on-one time with her. Guess how? No, really. Just guess. TURKISH OLIVE OIL WRESTLING. This involves Ali smothering the shirtless men in olive oil, and then pairing them up with professional olive oil wrestlers; because apparently this is a big deal sport in Turkey; and making them roll around covered in olive oil half nude with other giant, half nude dudes who look like they are wearing Depends. The winner gets a date that night with Ali. Yeah. So: THIS IS THE GAYEST THING EVER ON THIS SHOW!!! And thats saying a lot, since every week they make these men do something incredibly GAY to "prove their love and devotion" to Ali. Nothin really shows your love for a woman like rolling around naked covered in olive oil with another ...... man. Most ridiculous thing ever. So they pair up and do the gay porn ... I mean ... wrestling thing .... and everyone pretty much lost against their PRO better half. Except Craig, who has had NO one on one dates with Ali and was determined to wrestle his little gay ass off to get one. So he is declared the winner. But then ... THEN ... they make the men go up against each OTHER in yet another round of gayness. So what the hell was the purpose of the pro-wrestlers then? MAKES NO SENSE. So Roberto and Craig pair up, and Craig fights hard and somehow wins. And that, my friends, is the entire group date. Can you imagine if you are one of these four men and THATS your group date with Ali? Having her watch as you bump uglies with some half naked dude, and then you go home? I would be PISSED. Much like Ali was when she found out Justin has a girlfriend. Uh huh.
CRAIG AND ALIS DATE:
They go on a boatride, then watch fireworks while eating desserts and champagne.
They hug awkwardly and have ZERO chemistry. He is under the impression that he is interesting and that he will keep seeing Ali. I think I fell asleep after that, and so did Ali.
FRANK AND ALIS DATE:
Frank gets the official second one on one date with Ali. All the guys are mad as hell and not gonna take it, because Frank already HAD a one on one date way back in the beginning. Well WAAAHHHH!! Get the hell over it you big babies. She likes him, so hes getting another one. Sit home and knit some sweaters and watch The Gilmore Girls in your Turkish Suite; or whatever the hell you gayboys do together while not out with Ali.
Frank and Ali meet up and have great chemistry right from the first second. Its clear that she likes him a lot. Which of course means that their relationship will end in heartache. But for now, they walk around the streets of Turkey; haggling for items in the market, trying on ridiculous outfits and buying a carpet after being forced by a pushy salesdude. Then Ali takes Frank to dinner in a "magical" place. He pours his heart out to her, and she stares at him in silence before saying that her feelings for him "scare her." She is afraid of having them not returned, and afraid to fall for him. They kiss and kiss and she says he has the potential to break her heart. Its almost as if she KNOWS that something terribly awful will happen next week between her and Frank, according to the preview scenes. He tells her something that changes everything, and there is LOTS of crying and tears from both of them. Gee. I wonder if he was also attacked by MOLD. Or maybe he had a headcold once. Or the flu. That would be devestating.
Holy Christ are we done here yet? I TOLD you this episode was boring. Ali sits down with Chris Douchebag Harrison and tells him that she doesnt need to have a Cocktail Party tonight because she already knows who she wants to send home, and she doesnt feel its fair to that person to put them through a party where they might think they are staying. Well thank GOD for small miracles, at least THIS part of the show wasnt dragged out. After she tells Harrison the news, she looks out the window longingly.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Yawn. Ali gave roses to everyone, until the two left standing were Kurk and Craig. Harrison said his line: "Ali, this is the final rose ... whenever youre ready .... " Then Ali stood with the rose in her hand for about 4.6 hours looking dramatically and then ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh Im sorry, did I fall asleep AGAIN? Wow. I apoligize. She sent Craig home. Huge surprise. Not.
Craig looked like death warmed over as he left Turkey confused and forlorn. I always love the moment when whoever is being sent home finds out; and then Douchebag Harrison says "Im sorry Craig ... take a moment... say your goodbyes." Its SO PHONY. As if Harrison gives a crap about these men and who goes home or not. Anyway, Craig seemed brokenhearted and shocked that he was going home; and I needed to be revived after falling asleep yet again. Next weeks episode, in two days, is in Portugal. PLEASE let there be some ACTUAL drama and let it be more exciting than this borefest was.
Seacrest Out! Oh sorry. Wrong show.
BACHELORETTE REVIEW: "Iceland is the Perfect Place to Fall In Love!" Episode
Hey kids, did you know that Iceland is THE perfect place to fall in love? No? Well neither did I. But then Ali informed me that it was, on this weeks episode of The Bachelorette. Its funny though, because I thought that New York City was the perfect place to fall in love. Thats what Ali said last week when the gang traveled to NYC together. Or wait ... maybe Istanbul, Turkey is the perfect place to fall in love! Yes, that must be it. Because that is where these fools will end up next week in their quest for love- turned- failed tabloid relationship. The lesson? Wherever you are at that particular time and moment, THAT is the perfect place to fall in love.
By the way, speaking of tabloid-failed relationships, Jake and Vienna broke off their engagement. For anyone not following, Jake is last seasons Bachelor, and Vienna is the white-trash redneck that he chose to spend his life with. Well .. life ... or about 4months. If those two crazy kids cant make it work, well then what chance do the rest of us have? Sniff sniff. So, yet another failed relationship from this ridiculous show. This makes The Bachelor 0 for however many seasons they have been on,while The Bachelorette has I believe 2 successful relationships thus far. Something tells me that Ali will be joining the failed column. But Im getting ahead of myself ...
So we begin with the plane landing in Iceland, which I must say, looks like an absolutely beautiful place. Too bad it was filled with douchebags from The Bachelorette for a few days. Ali walked the streets in an igloo looking hat and weird outfit, exclaiming that Iceland is "amaaazing!" and "I never thought Id come to Iceland to find love." Well of course you didnt, you dumbass. Who does? Who thinks "Gee, I think Ill go to Iceland and find love today!" But when a free trip is shoved in front of your face as part of the silly romance show you agreed to be on, well then little lady... looks like youre goin to Iceland!
Douchebag Harrison also gets to make the trip, because apparently this guys life is aiding Bachelors and Bachelorettes to "find love" on national TV. This is why Chris Harrison is such a douche to me. I mean honestly - who has a life goal of being the host of The Bachelor/Bachelorette series for years and years and years, and takes it THAT seriously? You can tell this dude aint kidding around with this gig. This is his life. His most important (subtext of important is of course pointless) moment on the show is each week, during the Rose Ceremony, when there is only one rose left. This is his big time to shine. This is when he gets to come out, stop the entire show, and say overdramatically "Ali ... you have one rose left. When youre ready ...." THATS HIS PURPOSE! As if its necessary for him to even say that at all? I think the audience and Ali and the men can all figure out that there is one rose left, without him telling us. But you can tell he looks forward to that moment in the spotlight. Its HIS time and noones gonna take it away!
Back to Iceland. Harrison tells the guys they have one hour to write original love poems to Ali and then present them to her. GAG! The winner, chosen by Ali, would go on a one-on-one date with her.
So, the men began performing for Ali. And Shakespeare they were not. Hell, they werent even Shell Silverstein or Dr. Seuss. Some of these poems were simply horrific. At about 6minutes into the show, Chris N. FINALLY freakin said something, and it was so boring and forgettable that I cant tell you what it was. WOW that guy is a snooze. And this was part of his poem:
"We need to go out, heat up Iceland
......and head out."
This was followed by awkward silence. Perhaps he should go back to never speaking.
Most of the other poems were pretty lame, Kermit the Frogs was of course a bit creepy and had the phrase "my heart, my heart" all over it, and Frank and Kurk both went over to Ali and delivered their poems more intimately, which she liked. Franks was the best one, but Ali chose Kurk because they havent had a one-on-one date yet. Really though, she chose him because she loves sucking face with him and wanted to do more of it. Lets be real. I mean cmon ... he said she had "root-beer eyes" in his poem. Really? Root beer eyes? Sit down and try again.
KIRK AND ALI DATE:
This date was just weird. The two lovebirds first went to a swetershop and tried on sweaters. Let me repeat that for you. They went to a sweatershop. And tried on sweaters. (crickets) Riveting, eh? Oh but it gets worse. For some stupid reason, these giggling morons thought it would be cute and adorable to buy the EXACT same outfit, silly hat and all, and wear it out of the store. So they continued to walk around Iceland looking like retarded Doublemint Twins.
So Tweedly Dee and Tweedly Dumber then went to a Lobster House for a romantic dinner. Ali kept telling the camera that she wanted Kirk to "open up" to her, and Kirk kept telling the camera that tonight he was going to reveal his big past history to Ali, and hope that she still wants to be with him anyway. So he started to tell Ali all of his hopes and dreams, his life goals, and everything in nauseating detail about his life ... all leading up to this big, huge SECRET about him that he needed to get out to her. Now, there are a lot of things I can think of that one might have as a secret that would affect future relationships and therefore be hard to talk about. Big secrets; such as: Hey Ali, Im gay. Thought you should know. Or; I used to be a woman. Now Im not. Or maybe: FYI Ali ... Ive got 3 kids at home. Theyre not mine. I kidnapped them. To me, those might be secrets that would change the course of any relationship. With that in mind, would you like to hear what Kirks big secret was? Would you? You wont believe it. I mean, if I asked you to take 5 guesses on what the secret is, you would never in a milion years guess this. Because its THAT random. Okay. Here we go ....
Kirks Secret: A few years ago, he got really sick and the culprit was aesbestos i.e. MOLD poisoning. His secret was about Mold. Not cancer, not AIDS, not even clinical depression ... MOLD!!!??!!!??!!!! Are you freakin KIDDING ME??? Ummm, sorry about your mold poisoning, but HOW DOES THIS AFFECT ANYTHING in ANY WAY? He told her this big bad mold secret like he was telling her that he is a child molestor. He got sick from some mold in the walls of his house. Okay. Wow that sucks dude. Can we move on now? The BEST line of the entire date was when he was wrapping up his riveting tale of mold illness, he actually told Ali: "It doesnt define me." Like it was a rape. Mold does NOT define me!!! Im seriously still laughing over how stupid this was. Mold. In the end, his mold story won him a rose from Ali.
GROUP DATE:
The group date was pretty uneventful and involved lots of horse riding and then exploring into a cave of some sort. Ty used his cowboy skills to be the helpful guy of the day; while Frank sulked in the corner because he couldnt have Ali all to himself. Later that night, Ali takes the guys to Blue Lagoon Lake, which is supposedly a magical place, and she kisses Chris L. and spends more time with Ty. Ty gets the group date rose, making him safe for another week.
2 on 1 DATE with KASEY, JUSTIN, ALI:
Yes folks, chance (or the producers) put the two people in the house who hate each other most, on a 2 on 1 date with Ali, where one of them gets a rose and the other one goes home. Kasey continued to tell the camera that he was giong to guard and protect Alis heart , and that he needed to find the right time to tell her about his stupid tattoo. Justin, meanwhile, continued to give his pompous and smug looks to everyone and brag about how he isnt planning on being sent home today. Justin then has his crutches removed and gets a leg brace instead. The three then head onto ...you guessed it... a private plane ...where they fly over and then watch an erupting volcano. Later, Ali spent time talking alone with each guy. With Justin, he tried to comfort her and make her feel better about all that she is going through in making these difficult decisions each week. He came across as phony to me. Ali seemed to buy it though. With Kasey the Frog, ali said to camera that all he needed to do was "be normal." Well THATS a ringing endorsement. Guess what? He wasnt normal. They sat on ice and drank hot chocolate while he talked about his hurting heart and his guarding and protecting her and blah blah blah...then he whipped it out! No, not THAT. The tattoo. He explained that this is who he is and he wanted to prove how dedicated he was to her. SHe looked freaked out and said nothing. Minutes later, Ali walked along the icy snow with the two men, and chose to keep Justin and send poor Kasey home with his dumb tattoo. They literally looked down on him as their plane took off and he stood there in the snow alone.
COCKTAIL PARTY:
Frank takes Ali's advice to be more assertive and he steals her away at the party. They kiss and hug and get all cutesy with each other. Craig R. then takes Ali aside and shows her his love by premiering HIS tattoo, which is a penned in cheesy drawing of a cupid with a bow through it. He was mocking Kasey and it was pretty funny. Lastly, Chris N. also took Ali aside for some one on one time, where he proved once again that he is in fact the most uninteresting person on the planet. Heres a taste of their conversation:
Ali: So tell me something about you...
Chris: Ummm ... I like mexican food.
Ali: Uh huh.
Chris: Umm, people are like 'oh my god youre so funny' ... (silence)
Ali: hmmm....
SO AWKWARD.
Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison takes Ali aside and talks with her, host to Bachelorette.
He suddenly turns into a therapist as he calls Ali out on being "afraid to fall in love." Ali says she is scared that she will fall for someone and they wont love her back. Harrison gives a phony "I care about you as a person" look, and they start to make out with each other. Nah. They dont. But thatd be hilarious.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Ali sends home just one guy, and that is Chris N. Yup, Mr. Snoozefest goes home. And he looked as if someone shot his entire family when he found out it was him leaving. He actually said "Im actually really surprised" Really? Are ya? You have the personality of plywood, dude. Get in the sad limo and go home.
Those of you who arent watching the show and only reading my blog, I highly suggest watching next weeks episode, as it looks like a good one, filled with overdramatics and lots of sobbing and yelling. It seems that SOMEONE "isnt here for the right reasons" and has a girlfriend at home. (Gee how original. Didnt we have this issue last season?) My guess is that its Justin. He just seems really full of himself and not that into Ali, so I can see it being him. Whatever it is, it should be a fun trainwreck next week.
Next stop on the train of Failed Romance? TURKEY! (which is the perfect place to fall in love)
By the way, speaking of tabloid-failed relationships, Jake and Vienna broke off their engagement. For anyone not following, Jake is last seasons Bachelor, and Vienna is the white-trash redneck that he chose to spend his life with. Well .. life ... or about 4months. If those two crazy kids cant make it work, well then what chance do the rest of us have? Sniff sniff. So, yet another failed relationship from this ridiculous show. This makes The Bachelor 0 for however many seasons they have been on,while The Bachelorette has I believe 2 successful relationships thus far. Something tells me that Ali will be joining the failed column. But Im getting ahead of myself ...
So we begin with the plane landing in Iceland, which I must say, looks like an absolutely beautiful place. Too bad it was filled with douchebags from The Bachelorette for a few days. Ali walked the streets in an igloo looking hat and weird outfit, exclaiming that Iceland is "amaaazing!" and "I never thought Id come to Iceland to find love." Well of course you didnt, you dumbass. Who does? Who thinks "Gee, I think Ill go to Iceland and find love today!" But when a free trip is shoved in front of your face as part of the silly romance show you agreed to be on, well then little lady... looks like youre goin to Iceland!
Douchebag Harrison also gets to make the trip, because apparently this guys life is aiding Bachelors and Bachelorettes to "find love" on national TV. This is why Chris Harrison is such a douche to me. I mean honestly - who has a life goal of being the host of The Bachelor/Bachelorette series for years and years and years, and takes it THAT seriously? You can tell this dude aint kidding around with this gig. This is his life. His most important (subtext of important is of course pointless) moment on the show is each week, during the Rose Ceremony, when there is only one rose left. This is his big time to shine. This is when he gets to come out, stop the entire show, and say overdramatically "Ali ... you have one rose left. When youre ready ...." THATS HIS PURPOSE! As if its necessary for him to even say that at all? I think the audience and Ali and the men can all figure out that there is one rose left, without him telling us. But you can tell he looks forward to that moment in the spotlight. Its HIS time and noones gonna take it away!
Back to Iceland. Harrison tells the guys they have one hour to write original love poems to Ali and then present them to her. GAG! The winner, chosen by Ali, would go on a one-on-one date with her.
So, the men began performing for Ali. And Shakespeare they were not. Hell, they werent even Shell Silverstein or Dr. Seuss. Some of these poems were simply horrific. At about 6minutes into the show, Chris N. FINALLY freakin said something, and it was so boring and forgettable that I cant tell you what it was. WOW that guy is a snooze. And this was part of his poem:
"We need to go out, heat up Iceland
......and head out."
This was followed by awkward silence. Perhaps he should go back to never speaking.
Most of the other poems were pretty lame, Kermit the Frogs was of course a bit creepy and had the phrase "my heart, my heart" all over it, and Frank and Kurk both went over to Ali and delivered their poems more intimately, which she liked. Franks was the best one, but Ali chose Kurk because they havent had a one-on-one date yet. Really though, she chose him because she loves sucking face with him and wanted to do more of it. Lets be real. I mean cmon ... he said she had "root-beer eyes" in his poem. Really? Root beer eyes? Sit down and try again.
KIRK AND ALI DATE:
This date was just weird. The two lovebirds first went to a swetershop and tried on sweaters. Let me repeat that for you. They went to a sweatershop. And tried on sweaters. (crickets) Riveting, eh? Oh but it gets worse. For some stupid reason, these giggling morons thought it would be cute and adorable to buy the EXACT same outfit, silly hat and all, and wear it out of the store. So they continued to walk around Iceland looking like retarded Doublemint Twins.
So Tweedly Dee and Tweedly Dumber then went to a Lobster House for a romantic dinner. Ali kept telling the camera that she wanted Kirk to "open up" to her, and Kirk kept telling the camera that tonight he was going to reveal his big past history to Ali, and hope that she still wants to be with him anyway. So he started to tell Ali all of his hopes and dreams, his life goals, and everything in nauseating detail about his life ... all leading up to this big, huge SECRET about him that he needed to get out to her. Now, there are a lot of things I can think of that one might have as a secret that would affect future relationships and therefore be hard to talk about. Big secrets; such as: Hey Ali, Im gay. Thought you should know. Or; I used to be a woman. Now Im not. Or maybe: FYI Ali ... Ive got 3 kids at home. Theyre not mine. I kidnapped them. To me, those might be secrets that would change the course of any relationship. With that in mind, would you like to hear what Kirks big secret was? Would you? You wont believe it. I mean, if I asked you to take 5 guesses on what the secret is, you would never in a milion years guess this. Because its THAT random. Okay. Here we go ....
Kirks Secret: A few years ago, he got really sick and the culprit was aesbestos i.e. MOLD poisoning. His secret was about Mold. Not cancer, not AIDS, not even clinical depression ... MOLD!!!??!!!??!!!! Are you freakin KIDDING ME??? Ummm, sorry about your mold poisoning, but HOW DOES THIS AFFECT ANYTHING in ANY WAY? He told her this big bad mold secret like he was telling her that he is a child molestor. He got sick from some mold in the walls of his house. Okay. Wow that sucks dude. Can we move on now? The BEST line of the entire date was when he was wrapping up his riveting tale of mold illness, he actually told Ali: "It doesnt define me." Like it was a rape. Mold does NOT define me!!! Im seriously still laughing over how stupid this was. Mold. In the end, his mold story won him a rose from Ali.
GROUP DATE:
The group date was pretty uneventful and involved lots of horse riding and then exploring into a cave of some sort. Ty used his cowboy skills to be the helpful guy of the day; while Frank sulked in the corner because he couldnt have Ali all to himself. Later that night, Ali takes the guys to Blue Lagoon Lake, which is supposedly a magical place, and she kisses Chris L. and spends more time with Ty. Ty gets the group date rose, making him safe for another week.
2 on 1 DATE with KASEY, JUSTIN, ALI:
Yes folks, chance (or the producers) put the two people in the house who hate each other most, on a 2 on 1 date with Ali, where one of them gets a rose and the other one goes home. Kasey continued to tell the camera that he was giong to guard and protect Alis heart , and that he needed to find the right time to tell her about his stupid tattoo. Justin, meanwhile, continued to give his pompous and smug looks to everyone and brag about how he isnt planning on being sent home today. Justin then has his crutches removed and gets a leg brace instead. The three then head onto ...you guessed it... a private plane ...where they fly over and then watch an erupting volcano. Later, Ali spent time talking alone with each guy. With Justin, he tried to comfort her and make her feel better about all that she is going through in making these difficult decisions each week. He came across as phony to me. Ali seemed to buy it though. With Kasey the Frog, ali said to camera that all he needed to do was "be normal." Well THATS a ringing endorsement. Guess what? He wasnt normal. They sat on ice and drank hot chocolate while he talked about his hurting heart and his guarding and protecting her and blah blah blah...then he whipped it out! No, not THAT. The tattoo. He explained that this is who he is and he wanted to prove how dedicated he was to her. SHe looked freaked out and said nothing. Minutes later, Ali walked along the icy snow with the two men, and chose to keep Justin and send poor Kasey home with his dumb tattoo. They literally looked down on him as their plane took off and he stood there in the snow alone.
COCKTAIL PARTY:
Frank takes Ali's advice to be more assertive and he steals her away at the party. They kiss and hug and get all cutesy with each other. Craig R. then takes Ali aside and shows her his love by premiering HIS tattoo, which is a penned in cheesy drawing of a cupid with a bow through it. He was mocking Kasey and it was pretty funny. Lastly, Chris N. also took Ali aside for some one on one time, where he proved once again that he is in fact the most uninteresting person on the planet. Heres a taste of their conversation:
Ali: So tell me something about you...
Chris: Ummm ... I like mexican food.
Ali: Uh huh.
Chris: Umm, people are like 'oh my god youre so funny' ... (silence)
Ali: hmmm....
SO AWKWARD.
Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison takes Ali aside and talks with her, host to Bachelorette.
He suddenly turns into a therapist as he calls Ali out on being "afraid to fall in love." Ali says she is scared that she will fall for someone and they wont love her back. Harrison gives a phony "I care about you as a person" look, and they start to make out with each other. Nah. They dont. But thatd be hilarious.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Ali sends home just one guy, and that is Chris N. Yup, Mr. Snoozefest goes home. And he looked as if someone shot his entire family when he found out it was him leaving. He actually said "Im actually really surprised" Really? Are ya? You have the personality of plywood, dude. Get in the sad limo and go home.
Those of you who arent watching the show and only reading my blog, I highly suggest watching next weeks episode, as it looks like a good one, filled with overdramatics and lots of sobbing and yelling. It seems that SOMEONE "isnt here for the right reasons" and has a girlfriend at home. (Gee how original. Didnt we have this issue last season?) My guess is that its Justin. He just seems really full of himself and not that into Ali, so I can see it being him. Whatever it is, it should be a fun trainwreck next week.
Next stop on the train of Failed Romance? TURKEY! (which is the perfect place to fall in love)
BACHELORETTE REVIEW "I Want to Guard and Protect Your Heart" Episode
So, apparently the producers of "The Bachelorette" have completely lost their goddamned minds, because this was by far the weirdest, most bizarre episode yet. Not only was there a ton of "non-drama drama" as I like to call it (thats when they TRY to make us think that something really dramatic or exciting is happening by playing strange music in the background or showing things in shadows, when in fact, nothing at all is actually happening.), but there was a whole buttload of bad singing going on during this episode. I mean seriously, what was with all the singing? There were men serenading Ali (badly), a group date on broadway at THE LION KING, and guitars were breaking out left and right with some of the worst written songs Ive ever heard in my entire life. Welcome to The Bachelorette: The Musical. You will not get your moneys worth.
So, as always, we begin with douchebag host Chris Harrison (Im still convinced he is a direct relative of douchebag host Ryan Seacrest) gathering all the "men" into the living room of Testosterone Castle for a very exciting announcement. Are you ready? The men will be leaving Testosterone Castle FOREVER! From now on, they will be traveling around the WORLD to fall in love with Ali. Yup. These losers are going on a world tour to fight over this dumb girl. I wonder if they will sell t-shirts and have a tour-bus. After all, they are such wonderful singers ... (Gag)
So, no more Testosterone Castle. These men will have to lie around shirtless pounding beers in fancy hotels and condos across the world. Nothing like a bunch of grown-ass horny men all living together, right? Its sort of like being in prison, and everyone knows what happens in prison ...
The first stop on this Tour of Ali is, of course, NYC. Because let's be even more cliche, shall we? Ali is seen walking the city streets dressed in all black and a bright yellow knit hat. She holds her deli coffee in both hands (just like she holds the roses, as if its a large bouquet that needs two hands) and tells us how she cant WAIT to fall in love in NYC, and how AMAZING this will be. At this point, Ali is swept off by some random team at IN STYLE magazine, for a complete makeover. Well, if your definition of a makeover is a couple of new outfits to borrow for dates, then sure. She looked exactly the same after the makeover, and her stupid hair was still all over the place and unbrushed. She is lucky that she is naturally pretty, because she is a mess. During her supposed makeover, she tells the stylist all about her "boys" and how great they are. First of all, STOP referring to them as BOYS. Its annoying. And second, some of the things that come out of this girls mouth are just ... well ... retarded. Like this:
ALI: (to stylist) "Frank is the funniest guy Ive EVER met in my ENTIRE life!"
Ummm, really? Okay, at best, Frank is mildly amusing. He is funny in a dorky sort of way. But the funniest person youve ever met? Ever? Funnier than anyone else you know in your whole life? Wow. Remind me to never attend a family gathering at Ali's house. Must be a room full of unfunny, monotone, boring asswipes sitting around drinking hot tea. No wonder Ali giggles at EVERYTHING. Shes desperate for a laugh.
KASEY THE FROG / ALI ONE ON ONE DATE:
Kasey got the first one on one date with Ali. The best way to describe their date would be awkward. No - uncomfortable. No chemistry. Forced. Horrific unexplainable conversation. Nervous giggling. And Kasey sounds like he has snot in his nose everytime he speaks. I cant handle it. He needs to spend about a week and a half in a room alone, just blowing his nose until that shits all gone. Disgusting.
This awful date started out with, you guessed it, a helicopter!!! WOW! I cant believe it, can you? Hey, did you know that Ali is afraid of flying? And hey, lets have a helicopter or private jet OVER AND OVER AGAIN for multiple dates, and continue to act like its NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!
Kasey tells both the camera and Ali directly SEVERAL times that he wants to "guard and protect" her heart. It sounds like hes reading from a script, which she TELLS him, and he doesnt understand. He just continues to use terms like "fantasy girl", "wife" "waiting for my special moment" and his favorite; "I want to guard and protect your heart." Each time Kasey says these things, he is met with silence and awkwardness. You would think he would back off. But no. His reaction is to randomly start singing to her out of nowhere. They are sitting in the grass and he suddenly starts serenading Ali and staring at her intently. The last line of his awful song is:
"I hope in my hindsight, I will see and find a rose."
Yeah. Move over James Taylor. We got ourselves a songwriter here.
My favorite part was right after his song ended -- there was a moment of confused silence -- and then he said, "Yeah. Thats pretty intense stuff." No, no, no, no, no, you ASS! That was not intense. It was just BAD. And awkward. And baffling. And you are really, really weird.
After Kaseys mini-musical, the two head over to the Natural Museum of History, where they run around in the dark with flashlights and pretend to act all frightened of the fake dinosaurs. It is at this point that we are supposed to find Kasey creepy, since he "scares" Ali by hiding in a hallway. I find him creepy simply because hes a goddamn weirdo. The date ended by Kasey singing to her AGAIN, followed by more silence. Ali did not give Kasey the rose, but then she told him she wanted him to stick around and not go home. Since when does no rose = you get to stay? What the hell is that? Way to completely change the rules of the game there Ali. If you want him to stay, then give him the stupid rose, whats the difference? Honestly, when she started telling him he didnt gt the rose, he looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown, so I think she sensed that and told him to stay so he wouldnt off himself.
LION KING GROUPDATE:
This weeks orgy... I mean... group date... was with Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kurt, Jonathan (Weatherman), Frank, and Ty. Oh, and I guess you can come along too Ali. Even though youre sick as a dog and are coughing and sneezing all over everybody. Great, good times. Thats fun when youre making out with 10 different guys per night. Nice job of passing on some real germs to every single guy there. Now, if you didnt think all these men hanging out together with one woman was gay enough; its about to get much gayer; because this weeks group date went to Broadway's THE LION KING. Ali told the camera about 400 times how broadway is her very favorite thing on earth, and how its amazing and wonderful and she loves it very much. At this point, we find out that the men are going to audition to be IN The Lion King with Ali, and only one of them will win this amazing prize. Roberto won, and the other men warbled their way through "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" Ali swooned at Robertos cock ... and the two went on to rehearse their very weird little dance number as all the men were forced to watch. The Weatherman started getting all upset again because he cant sing, and said to the camera "The forecast was for sunny skies, then out of the blue, clouds came in and crapped all over me." Really? REALLY? Does everything have to be a weather reference with this ass? We get it, youre a weatherman. Talk like a human being.
After the Lion King mess, Ali brings the men to a bar, because really, these people need to drink more alcohol. Everyone tries pulling Ali aside to get some alone time with her, and most of them fail. Weatherman tries to interupt a conversation and gets told to come back later, Frank and Ali share a nice kiss in the rain under an umbrella (as she hacks and coughs into his mouth IN THE RAIN!!!), and then Ali ends the evening by not giving out a rose to anyone, and telling the men "Kurt is going to walk me up to my room." Translation: Kurt and I are going to go and have nasty, germy, snot-infested intimate time.
CHRIS L. AND ALI / ONE ON ONE DATE:
Chris L. gets the second one on one date, but Ali is still sick, so she tells him to please come to her suite to hang out instead of going out in NYC together. He brings her soup and flowers, and they talk on the couch about his dead mother. Ya know, for a guy who doesnt like to talk about his dead mother, he sure does talk about his dead mother a lot. Wow. This time he told a sappy story about his mom telling him to look for her in rainbows, and now he sees rainbows everywhere he turns. Perhaps you need to lay off the crackpipe there, Chris. I think Ive seen maybe three rainbows EVER. Theres no way everytime you wake up youre seeing a damn rainbow. I dont buy it.
After talking about Chris's dead mom awhile, Ali allows Chris to call his dad so that his dad can wish him a Happy Birthday. Well gee, isnt that nice? You get one phone call Chris. Im telling you -its just like prison. So Chris and his dad have a conversation that lasts about 7 seconds, and then Ali decides that she is all of a sudden feeling much better. I guess that soup was filled with rainbows and magic powers. So they head on out to a club called 235th Club; where they gorge on lobster and other seafood. The two then head up to the rooftop where Joshua Radin (I know... who?) sings to them (more singing) as they open mouth kiss in a really off-putting fashion. Chris gets a rose and gets to stay. As opposed to Kasey, who DIDNT get a rose, and gets to stay. Yeah, that makes sense.
At this point in the episode, all of the non-drama drama begins. Basically, it involves Kasey sneaking out and getting a tattoo of a Shield that will ... you guessed it ... "guard and protect" Ali's heart forever. When all the gossipy-old ladies ... I mean, men ... wonder about where he went off to and why he has a bandage on his wrist... he makes up some idiotic story about how he got a mild burn and had to go to the hospital. Well, savvy Justin isnt buying it, and knows a lie when he hears one. He confronts Kasey and tells him that hes not here "for the right reasons." This, coming from the guy who snuck off to Alis house LAST week hopping on his left foot, then, in another camera shot, hopping on his right foot. Speculation is that Justin is not really injured, or hes faking, or exageratting, or something. Anyway, it is all a bunch of incredibly boring drama thats just not even worth discussing. Kasey got a dumb tattoo. He lied to the guys and didnt tell Ali about the Tattoo either. He just wants to guard and protect her heart.
COCKTAIL PARTY:
This is where the lameass men get one last chance to talk to Ali before the Rose Ceremony. At this particular party; more weirdness occured. First; Weatherman decides to randomly pull out a guitar and also serenade Ali like Kasey did earlier. This resulted in the same awkwardness that Kasey experienced. Weatherman made yet another weather-related pun into the camera, and looked like he might cry again. I dont remember anything else that happened at the cocktail party, because Im tired and these people bore me.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Everytime they show the men during the rose ceremony, there are always one or two guys in that bunch who I SWEAR I have NEVER seen before. I think theres one dude named Chris N. or some shit, and so far, hes like an extra on the show. WHats his purpose? Theres a few others like that too. They havent had ANY dates with Ali yet, but they are still there. They never show them on camera. The whole thing is so strange.
Ali holds her dumb roses with two hands, and asks the men over and over, "Will you accept this rose?" They each have an incredibly cheesy response; and Kasey reminds Ali that he will guard and protect her heart. Im really happy he said that, because I wasnt sure. He really needs to repeat that a few more times in order for me to truly grasp it. Freak.
Jesse and Weatherman went home. Jesse seemed like a perfectly nice guy. Lord knows why the hell she would send him home over Kasey, but whatever. As for Weatherman; the forecast looks lonely.
So, as always, we begin with douchebag host Chris Harrison (Im still convinced he is a direct relative of douchebag host Ryan Seacrest) gathering all the "men" into the living room of Testosterone Castle for a very exciting announcement. Are you ready? The men will be leaving Testosterone Castle FOREVER! From now on, they will be traveling around the WORLD to fall in love with Ali. Yup. These losers are going on a world tour to fight over this dumb girl. I wonder if they will sell t-shirts and have a tour-bus. After all, they are such wonderful singers ... (Gag)
So, no more Testosterone Castle. These men will have to lie around shirtless pounding beers in fancy hotels and condos across the world. Nothing like a bunch of grown-ass horny men all living together, right? Its sort of like being in prison, and everyone knows what happens in prison ...
The first stop on this Tour of Ali is, of course, NYC. Because let's be even more cliche, shall we? Ali is seen walking the city streets dressed in all black and a bright yellow knit hat. She holds her deli coffee in both hands (just like she holds the roses, as if its a large bouquet that needs two hands) and tells us how she cant WAIT to fall in love in NYC, and how AMAZING this will be. At this point, Ali is swept off by some random team at IN STYLE magazine, for a complete makeover. Well, if your definition of a makeover is a couple of new outfits to borrow for dates, then sure. She looked exactly the same after the makeover, and her stupid hair was still all over the place and unbrushed. She is lucky that she is naturally pretty, because she is a mess. During her supposed makeover, she tells the stylist all about her "boys" and how great they are. First of all, STOP referring to them as BOYS. Its annoying. And second, some of the things that come out of this girls mouth are just ... well ... retarded. Like this:
ALI: (to stylist) "Frank is the funniest guy Ive EVER met in my ENTIRE life!"
Ummm, really? Okay, at best, Frank is mildly amusing. He is funny in a dorky sort of way. But the funniest person youve ever met? Ever? Funnier than anyone else you know in your whole life? Wow. Remind me to never attend a family gathering at Ali's house. Must be a room full of unfunny, monotone, boring asswipes sitting around drinking hot tea. No wonder Ali giggles at EVERYTHING. Shes desperate for a laugh.
KASEY THE FROG / ALI ONE ON ONE DATE:
Kasey got the first one on one date with Ali. The best way to describe their date would be awkward. No - uncomfortable. No chemistry. Forced. Horrific unexplainable conversation. Nervous giggling. And Kasey sounds like he has snot in his nose everytime he speaks. I cant handle it. He needs to spend about a week and a half in a room alone, just blowing his nose until that shits all gone. Disgusting.
This awful date started out with, you guessed it, a helicopter!!! WOW! I cant believe it, can you? Hey, did you know that Ali is afraid of flying? And hey, lets have a helicopter or private jet OVER AND OVER AGAIN for multiple dates, and continue to act like its NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!
Kasey tells both the camera and Ali directly SEVERAL times that he wants to "guard and protect" her heart. It sounds like hes reading from a script, which she TELLS him, and he doesnt understand. He just continues to use terms like "fantasy girl", "wife" "waiting for my special moment" and his favorite; "I want to guard and protect your heart." Each time Kasey says these things, he is met with silence and awkwardness. You would think he would back off. But no. His reaction is to randomly start singing to her out of nowhere. They are sitting in the grass and he suddenly starts serenading Ali and staring at her intently. The last line of his awful song is:
"I hope in my hindsight, I will see and find a rose."
Yeah. Move over James Taylor. We got ourselves a songwriter here.
My favorite part was right after his song ended -- there was a moment of confused silence -- and then he said, "Yeah. Thats pretty intense stuff." No, no, no, no, no, you ASS! That was not intense. It was just BAD. And awkward. And baffling. And you are really, really weird.
After Kaseys mini-musical, the two head over to the Natural Museum of History, where they run around in the dark with flashlights and pretend to act all frightened of the fake dinosaurs. It is at this point that we are supposed to find Kasey creepy, since he "scares" Ali by hiding in a hallway. I find him creepy simply because hes a goddamn weirdo. The date ended by Kasey singing to her AGAIN, followed by more silence. Ali did not give Kasey the rose, but then she told him she wanted him to stick around and not go home. Since when does no rose = you get to stay? What the hell is that? Way to completely change the rules of the game there Ali. If you want him to stay, then give him the stupid rose, whats the difference? Honestly, when she started telling him he didnt gt the rose, he looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown, so I think she sensed that and told him to stay so he wouldnt off himself.
LION KING GROUPDATE:
This weeks orgy... I mean... group date... was with Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kurt, Jonathan (Weatherman), Frank, and Ty. Oh, and I guess you can come along too Ali. Even though youre sick as a dog and are coughing and sneezing all over everybody. Great, good times. Thats fun when youre making out with 10 different guys per night. Nice job of passing on some real germs to every single guy there. Now, if you didnt think all these men hanging out together with one woman was gay enough; its about to get much gayer; because this weeks group date went to Broadway's THE LION KING. Ali told the camera about 400 times how broadway is her very favorite thing on earth, and how its amazing and wonderful and she loves it very much. At this point, we find out that the men are going to audition to be IN The Lion King with Ali, and only one of them will win this amazing prize. Roberto won, and the other men warbled their way through "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" Ali swooned at Robertos cock ... and the two went on to rehearse their very weird little dance number as all the men were forced to watch. The Weatherman started getting all upset again because he cant sing, and said to the camera "The forecast was for sunny skies, then out of the blue, clouds came in and crapped all over me." Really? REALLY? Does everything have to be a weather reference with this ass? We get it, youre a weatherman. Talk like a human being.
After the Lion King mess, Ali brings the men to a bar, because really, these people need to drink more alcohol. Everyone tries pulling Ali aside to get some alone time with her, and most of them fail. Weatherman tries to interupt a conversation and gets told to come back later, Frank and Ali share a nice kiss in the rain under an umbrella (as she hacks and coughs into his mouth IN THE RAIN!!!), and then Ali ends the evening by not giving out a rose to anyone, and telling the men "Kurt is going to walk me up to my room." Translation: Kurt and I are going to go and have nasty, germy, snot-infested intimate time.
CHRIS L. AND ALI / ONE ON ONE DATE:
Chris L. gets the second one on one date, but Ali is still sick, so she tells him to please come to her suite to hang out instead of going out in NYC together. He brings her soup and flowers, and they talk on the couch about his dead mother. Ya know, for a guy who doesnt like to talk about his dead mother, he sure does talk about his dead mother a lot. Wow. This time he told a sappy story about his mom telling him to look for her in rainbows, and now he sees rainbows everywhere he turns. Perhaps you need to lay off the crackpipe there, Chris. I think Ive seen maybe three rainbows EVER. Theres no way everytime you wake up youre seeing a damn rainbow. I dont buy it.
After talking about Chris's dead mom awhile, Ali allows Chris to call his dad so that his dad can wish him a Happy Birthday. Well gee, isnt that nice? You get one phone call Chris. Im telling you -its just like prison. So Chris and his dad have a conversation that lasts about 7 seconds, and then Ali decides that she is all of a sudden feeling much better. I guess that soup was filled with rainbows and magic powers. So they head on out to a club called 235th Club; where they gorge on lobster and other seafood. The two then head up to the rooftop where Joshua Radin (I know... who?) sings to them (more singing) as they open mouth kiss in a really off-putting fashion. Chris gets a rose and gets to stay. As opposed to Kasey, who DIDNT get a rose, and gets to stay. Yeah, that makes sense.
At this point in the episode, all of the non-drama drama begins. Basically, it involves Kasey sneaking out and getting a tattoo of a Shield that will ... you guessed it ... "guard and protect" Ali's heart forever. When all the gossipy-old ladies ... I mean, men ... wonder about where he went off to and why he has a bandage on his wrist... he makes up some idiotic story about how he got a mild burn and had to go to the hospital. Well, savvy Justin isnt buying it, and knows a lie when he hears one. He confronts Kasey and tells him that hes not here "for the right reasons." This, coming from the guy who snuck off to Alis house LAST week hopping on his left foot, then, in another camera shot, hopping on his right foot. Speculation is that Justin is not really injured, or hes faking, or exageratting, or something. Anyway, it is all a bunch of incredibly boring drama thats just not even worth discussing. Kasey got a dumb tattoo. He lied to the guys and didnt tell Ali about the Tattoo either. He just wants to guard and protect her heart.
COCKTAIL PARTY:
This is where the lameass men get one last chance to talk to Ali before the Rose Ceremony. At this particular party; more weirdness occured. First; Weatherman decides to randomly pull out a guitar and also serenade Ali like Kasey did earlier. This resulted in the same awkwardness that Kasey experienced. Weatherman made yet another weather-related pun into the camera, and looked like he might cry again. I dont remember anything else that happened at the cocktail party, because Im tired and these people bore me.
ROSE CEREMONY:
Everytime they show the men during the rose ceremony, there are always one or two guys in that bunch who I SWEAR I have NEVER seen before. I think theres one dude named Chris N. or some shit, and so far, hes like an extra on the show. WHats his purpose? Theres a few others like that too. They havent had ANY dates with Ali yet, but they are still there. They never show them on camera. The whole thing is so strange.
Ali holds her dumb roses with two hands, and asks the men over and over, "Will you accept this rose?" They each have an incredibly cheesy response; and Kasey reminds Ali that he will guard and protect her heart. Im really happy he said that, because I wasnt sure. He really needs to repeat that a few more times in order for me to truly grasp it. Freak.
Jesse and Weatherman went home. Jesse seemed like a perfectly nice guy. Lord knows why the hell she would send him home over Kasey, but whatever. As for Weatherman; the forecast looks lonely.
BACHELORETTE - The "My 3yr old cat Died This week, so Who Cares about These Idiots?" Review
Our cat Ginger died on Tuesday night. She threw a blood clot, her little legs went out, and we rushed her to the ER. Two hours later she was gone. Born with a bad heart, went into heart failure. She was only 3 yrs old. What does this have to do with The Bachelorette? Well, nothing really ... and everything. Life isnt fair. Ginger only got 3years and she was the sweetest little thing Ive ever known. So when I finally got around to watching my DVRed episode of The Bachelorette tonight, I found myself getting pretty angry at these morons, at the producers, at Ali, at everyone for their dumb behavior and for the mere existence of this mess of a show! This is quite possibly the stupidest show on television, and yet something about it makes me want to follow these asshats along on their phony journey, just to see the massive trainwreck that will eventually occur. Sure, its probably a pre-meditated trainwreck and yes, most likely 94% of every "moment" that happens on this show is forced, manipulated, or just a downright lie; but its kind of fun knowing that ahead of time. So this week I had a choice: dont write the blog at all, or write an incredibly angry, bitter blog about this retarded show. So I went with the former. Let the anger begin. Youve been warned.
The stupidity begins once again with Douchebag host Chris Harrison meeting with the men in the main room or whatever its called. And again, all the men look like shit in this meetup. Do they wake these losers up at 6am for these stupid information meetings or what? They always look like they JUST rolled out of bed in the midst of a hurricane. Holy crap put a comb through your hair, brush your teeth at least. I think Ole Googly Eyes (Frank) slept in his glasses, facedown, because they were all desheviled and crooked looking. Anyway, D-bag Harrison gave the men the first "datecard", which tells them who gets the one-on-one with Ali. Well big surprise ...... Roberto got it. I say big surprise because you can pretty much feel Ali's extreme wetness through the tv screen everytime she sees Roberto. Its like the woman has never been touched before (Like A Virgin.... touched for the very first time....) Relax Ali.
ROBERTO AND ALI'S DATE:
Roberto and the others are all standing outside Testosterone Castle -shirtless, for absolutely no reason - when Ali pulls up and giggles incessantly. Listen Ali; I started out liking you; but its not going to last long if I have to hear your damn giggle too many more times. Every goddamn thing on earth is not funny. Stop with the giggling. You know whats not funny? Being a kitty cat who is only THREE and randomly dying. Thats not funny. So shut the hell up already with the laughing. Ali hugs Roberto and he asks her if she drove - she points to the sky and squeels "We arent going by road, we are goin by SKY!" or some dumb shit, and all the shirtless guys with beers make chorus sounds of jealousy which sounds like this: "Dudddeee!!! Oh MAN!!! Plane! Thats a helicopter man! Oooohhhh... Damn... Wow!" etc etc.
So Ali and Roberto take off for their date in a helicopter, where we are reminded ONCE AGAIN that Ali is "terrified!!!!!!!!" of flying. Shes so damn terrified that this is I think the third time now since Jakes Bachelor season, that shes been up in a freakin plane. We get it. You dont like to fly. So why the hell are you setting up dates in the goddamn sky, you idiot? And if you say some crap about how good it is to conquer your fears, Im throwing you out of the plane myself. Ali uses the helicopter ride to grab onto Roberto for dear life. She tells the camera that he is "so manly and protective and could be the one for me!" Yeah, the one for your vagina maybe. Since thats all you seem to be thinking with. How many times now has she informed us how handsome and cute and sexy Roberto is? The answer is a LOT of times. And in Mondays episode, she repeated it more times. She also touched the bottom of all her dresses over and over, played with her own hair, giggled, and did about 25 other annoying things in this episode.
So, the helicopter lands on top of a building, and you guessed it - this is one of those "lets have a crazy highrisk adventure together so we can have forced chemistry during a death-defying stunt " moments. Ali and Roberto are going to have dinner, on top of the building next door. To get there, they have to walk a tightrope type deal ,or some sort of crazyass circus act wire ... when they do this, they share a dumb kiss and Ali giggles while kissing. Later on, they eat dinner and then cuddle and laugh some more. The date is a success of course, and Ali gives Roberto and his penis the Rose; making him safe for another week.
Meanwhile at Testosterone Castle, the men are still all shirtless, holding beers, and making burgers on the grill. They argue and gossip like old ladies about whats happening on the date right now, whether or not Roberto will get the rose, whose turn is it to buy tampons for the house this week. Ladies, ladies... please.
GROUP DATE With Ali:
Every week there are usually two one-on-one dates, and one group date with Ali. The group dates are like one big ole orgy; where everyone is literally fighting for Alis attention, and where Ali looks like a total whore for going on a date with about 8 men at once. Good times. This group date took place in the middle of an ugly street, where Ali led the curious men (and by curious, I mean borderline gay - cmon! they spend 85% of their time locked in a mansion with loads of other men; half nude and drinking alcohol. I think theres more gay action going on on this show than anything else if you ask me.) to a deserted stage. And there .... on that stage.... can you handle the suspense??? ... was ... BARENAKED LADIES!!!!
(Crickets.)
Yes. I know. I shared the same excitment level. BNL break into a song and Ali dances along and goes "Wooohooooo!!! " and generally looks like an idiot. The men all stand there and some of them dance too. Then Ali announces a "huuuuge surprise" (she always has a huuuge surprise for the guys) that her and ALL THE MEN are going to be IN the BNL video!!! Again .... crickets.
So, apparently this video is a porn, because all they did was makeout, kiss, give massages, get into hot tubs, beds, yadda yadda yadda. And Ali had NO problem with this whatsoever. This girl is really whoring it up and enjoying herself. Each dork guy was handed a short scene that he would do with Ali, and then they started filming them one by one. A few highlights from the video shoot:
--Weird Weatherman notices in his scene with Ali that there is a kiss, so he starts sweating like a closeted-homosexual who has never kissed a girl before, and he goes over and awkwardly whispers to Ali that if she feels awkward doing the kissing scene, they dont have to do it. Ali, being not the brightest bulb in the box, doesnt catch on that the dude is super nervous and about to faint, and just says in her bubbly voice "Awww! No its fine! Lets do it! Yay!" or something. Weatherman pours beads of sweat, and in the background all the men are mocking him and laughing at him. They do the scene and he hugs Ali instead of kissing her. He gets mocked some more by the men. His reaction to this is to START CRYING!!!! Yes, Weatherman sheds actual tears because hes being made fun of and told not to play in the Reindeer Games. WHAT A LOSER! You know whatll make you really cry? Watching your 3yr old innocent cat get put to sleep because she cant breathe, because her heart is so large that its sitting on top of her tiny lungs and crushing them! THATLL MAKE YOU CRY, you goddamn pussy! MAN UP!!! holy shit, what are you, 12?
Okay, Im calm. So, Ali hugs him like hes a small child, and they begin the scene again, but this time Ali takes control and she plants a nice lipkiss on the dork. He looks at her the same way Marcia Brady looked at Davey Jones on the episode of the Brady Bunch where he kissed her cheek and she said "Ill never wash this cheek again!" I mean seriously, is this Weatherman guy for real? Is he really this inexperienced, shy, and dorky? And if so, where is he a Waetherman and arent they all going to completely make fun of him when he finally goes back to work? Is he going to start bawling in the newsroom too? Hes making a damn fool of himself on this show so far. 14year olds have more confidence and aura than he does. Asshat.
--The other scene that was interesting on the total other end of the spectrum was the one between Ali and Kirk. Their scene in the video consisted of her wearing a sexy nightie, and then him getting into bed shirtless, and they just randomly start making out. Well, the director yelled CUT, and those two pornstars just kept going, and going, and going, and going ... You have all these other men there WATCHING, and you just decide to publically roll around in bed together for what seemed like an eternity? ICK. Very classy. They were pawing at each other like rabbits, and it just didnt end. I mean really guys, Get a room and go screw already. Now youre just being rude.
There were lots of other men on this groupdate as well, but I couldnt remember most of their names if you paid me. Well, okay, maybe if you paid me, but it would still be difficult. Especially since this show always likes to have a cast of douches who all share the same damn name. Theres always two Chris's, two Mikes, two Curtis's ...and then when The Bachelorette talks about them to the camera she says "When Chris L. kisses me it is amazing, I am falling for Chris L." which sounds incredibly silly to say youre falling for someone, and then refer to them by saying the first initial of their last name. SILLY.
So anyway, Ali and the boys continue the date with a "wrap party" after shooting the video. During this, Weatherman takes her aside and creepily awkwardly says "So ummm.... Wanna go and share our first REAL kiss together?" She just looks at him and says nothing. Fail.
Seconds later, she is headed into the pool with Kirk, and once again they are making out. The old ladies --oh sorry --- MEN - dont like this, so they all cannonball the pool and join the two lovers. Then Ali and her manwhores all watch the porn Barenaked Ladies Video that they apparently just made hours ago. Thats some high quality stuff right there. Im sure a top notch guy edited that thing.
(I just have to interupt myself here to say that Im SO BORED by all this non-drama drama. NONE of this means ANYTHING, and yet its all presented like end of the world type stuff. You know whats end of the world stuff? When your precious kitty is lost and confused and walking around the house searching for her now dead sister because she cant figure out why shes gone suddenly. THATS drama! But on this show, apparently the next thing that happens is the most dramatic thing ever....)
Sigh. Okay. So now the real drama. Justin; the Entertainment Wrestler on crutches for anyone following along; decides that his bum leg is giving him a bum deal on time with Ali, so he sneaks out of Testosterone Castle and WALKS a good 3 miles or so to Alis house. On his crutches. When he gets there, she is so touched by this, that she spends time with him talking, looking through photo albums that he brought over, and cuddling. And giggling of course. Always with the giggling. Eventually, Ali drives Justin back to the house, and then a bit later, her and Hunter have a one-on-one date. During his one-on-one date, they have the most awkward "sitting in the pool" chemistry ever captured on this series. Its hilarious. He kisses her shoulder and you just start cringing because its so lame and forced. There is NO attraction there. Ali is soooo uninterested.So, she does not give Hunter the rose and sends him home.
This somehow turns into "Hunter didnt get enough time on his one-on-one with Ali, thats why he went home!"and "did Justin really walk over there to Alis house? Thats a betrayal of us! He is so two-faced! How dare he do such a thing?" Yes, Justin is kind of a tool. He was gloating about his time with Ali, sort of shoving it in their faces in an indirect and obnoxious way. BUT, Hunter went home because him and Ali had the chemistry of a brick wall. Thats IT. And seriously, if ONE more person on this series says "I dont think hes here for the right reasons" about ANY of the people there, Im going to scream. Every single season on this show, there is always someone who everyone in the house wonders if they are there "for the right reasons." Cant we AT LEAST get a NEW kind of villian? This "right reasons" crap is getting very old. So they all hate Justin, they confront him outside like little girls, call him twofaced, and make it clear that they are not his friends. Kermit the Frog Guy says some things that I cant understand, and closet gay dude John C. says some other things I cant comprehend, and everyone else joins in to say We hate you Justin, you suck. Justin is then shown in silouhette sitting outside crying. What kind of men are these? Youre crying? Over that? Gimme a break please.
A couple other small highlights during the cocktail party:
Ali and Chris L. from Cape Cod get some alone time when she pulls him aside for a bit. He uses this time to tell her that he took 2nd place in a "flip cup tournament" to which she responds "I LOVE flip cup!" He then tells the camera that Ali "totally gets me." Right. Flip cup partners for life. Deep stuff. I do like him though, he seems pretty normal.
Steve set up a lame picnic using a blanket, two votive candles, and a bottle of champagne that took him about eight months to open. After puting on his all important Chapstick, he surprised Ali with his dumb litlte makeshift picnic. I think it lasted about 5minutes, and 4 minutes of that was him trying to open the bottle. They also had no chemistry.
Harrison announces its now time for the Rose Ceremony, and Ali comes out in what looks like a freakin High School Semi Formal dress. What the hell are you wearing woman? (or was that at the cocktail party? I seriously cant remember, as if it matters.) Also, the way that Ali holds the roses drives me nuts. Is anyone else noticing this? She holds them at the very bottom wth two hands, like it takes two hands to hold a freakin rose. I have no idea why this bothers me. Also, she STILL hasnt combed her hair.
The overdramatic rose ceremony took place, and Ali decided to hold onto the Weatherman, as well as Kirk and many others. And of course, she kept Justin, and thanked him for "showing that you would do anything for this rose." BARF!
So, closeted gay dude John C. and dorky picnic guy Steve went home.
I seriously cant type one more second about this motherf**ng show right now. My cat died and I just dont care about Ali and her man posse right now. Or ever really.
But Ill be back. Sigh.
The stupidity begins once again with Douchebag host Chris Harrison meeting with the men in the main room or whatever its called. And again, all the men look like shit in this meetup. Do they wake these losers up at 6am for these stupid information meetings or what? They always look like they JUST rolled out of bed in the midst of a hurricane. Holy crap put a comb through your hair, brush your teeth at least. I think Ole Googly Eyes (Frank) slept in his glasses, facedown, because they were all desheviled and crooked looking. Anyway, D-bag Harrison gave the men the first "datecard", which tells them who gets the one-on-one with Ali. Well big surprise ...... Roberto got it. I say big surprise because you can pretty much feel Ali's extreme wetness through the tv screen everytime she sees Roberto. Its like the woman has never been touched before (Like A Virgin.... touched for the very first time....) Relax Ali.
ROBERTO AND ALI'S DATE:
Roberto and the others are all standing outside Testosterone Castle -shirtless, for absolutely no reason - when Ali pulls up and giggles incessantly. Listen Ali; I started out liking you; but its not going to last long if I have to hear your damn giggle too many more times. Every goddamn thing on earth is not funny. Stop with the giggling. You know whats not funny? Being a kitty cat who is only THREE and randomly dying. Thats not funny. So shut the hell up already with the laughing. Ali hugs Roberto and he asks her if she drove - she points to the sky and squeels "We arent going by road, we are goin by SKY!" or some dumb shit, and all the shirtless guys with beers make chorus sounds of jealousy which sounds like this: "Dudddeee!!! Oh MAN!!! Plane! Thats a helicopter man! Oooohhhh... Damn... Wow!" etc etc.
So Ali and Roberto take off for their date in a helicopter, where we are reminded ONCE AGAIN that Ali is "terrified!!!!!!!!" of flying. Shes so damn terrified that this is I think the third time now since Jakes Bachelor season, that shes been up in a freakin plane. We get it. You dont like to fly. So why the hell are you setting up dates in the goddamn sky, you idiot? And if you say some crap about how good it is to conquer your fears, Im throwing you out of the plane myself. Ali uses the helicopter ride to grab onto Roberto for dear life. She tells the camera that he is "so manly and protective and could be the one for me!" Yeah, the one for your vagina maybe. Since thats all you seem to be thinking with. How many times now has she informed us how handsome and cute and sexy Roberto is? The answer is a LOT of times. And in Mondays episode, she repeated it more times. She also touched the bottom of all her dresses over and over, played with her own hair, giggled, and did about 25 other annoying things in this episode.
So, the helicopter lands on top of a building, and you guessed it - this is one of those "lets have a crazy highrisk adventure together so we can have forced chemistry during a death-defying stunt " moments. Ali and Roberto are going to have dinner, on top of the building next door. To get there, they have to walk a tightrope type deal ,or some sort of crazyass circus act wire ... when they do this, they share a dumb kiss and Ali giggles while kissing. Later on, they eat dinner and then cuddle and laugh some more. The date is a success of course, and Ali gives Roberto and his penis the Rose; making him safe for another week.
Meanwhile at Testosterone Castle, the men are still all shirtless, holding beers, and making burgers on the grill. They argue and gossip like old ladies about whats happening on the date right now, whether or not Roberto will get the rose, whose turn is it to buy tampons for the house this week. Ladies, ladies... please.
GROUP DATE With Ali:
Every week there are usually two one-on-one dates, and one group date with Ali. The group dates are like one big ole orgy; where everyone is literally fighting for Alis attention, and where Ali looks like a total whore for going on a date with about 8 men at once. Good times. This group date took place in the middle of an ugly street, where Ali led the curious men (and by curious, I mean borderline gay - cmon! they spend 85% of their time locked in a mansion with loads of other men; half nude and drinking alcohol. I think theres more gay action going on on this show than anything else if you ask me.) to a deserted stage. And there .... on that stage.... can you handle the suspense??? ... was ... BARENAKED LADIES!!!!
(Crickets.)
Yes. I know. I shared the same excitment level. BNL break into a song and Ali dances along and goes "Wooohooooo!!! " and generally looks like an idiot. The men all stand there and some of them dance too. Then Ali announces a "huuuuge surprise" (she always has a huuuge surprise for the guys) that her and ALL THE MEN are going to be IN the BNL video!!! Again .... crickets.
So, apparently this video is a porn, because all they did was makeout, kiss, give massages, get into hot tubs, beds, yadda yadda yadda. And Ali had NO problem with this whatsoever. This girl is really whoring it up and enjoying herself. Each dork guy was handed a short scene that he would do with Ali, and then they started filming them one by one. A few highlights from the video shoot:
--Weird Weatherman notices in his scene with Ali that there is a kiss, so he starts sweating like a closeted-homosexual who has never kissed a girl before, and he goes over and awkwardly whispers to Ali that if she feels awkward doing the kissing scene, they dont have to do it. Ali, being not the brightest bulb in the box, doesnt catch on that the dude is super nervous and about to faint, and just says in her bubbly voice "Awww! No its fine! Lets do it! Yay!" or something. Weatherman pours beads of sweat, and in the background all the men are mocking him and laughing at him. They do the scene and he hugs Ali instead of kissing her. He gets mocked some more by the men. His reaction to this is to START CRYING!!!! Yes, Weatherman sheds actual tears because hes being made fun of and told not to play in the Reindeer Games. WHAT A LOSER! You know whatll make you really cry? Watching your 3yr old innocent cat get put to sleep because she cant breathe, because her heart is so large that its sitting on top of her tiny lungs and crushing them! THATLL MAKE YOU CRY, you goddamn pussy! MAN UP!!! holy shit, what are you, 12?
Okay, Im calm. So, Ali hugs him like hes a small child, and they begin the scene again, but this time Ali takes control and she plants a nice lipkiss on the dork. He looks at her the same way Marcia Brady looked at Davey Jones on the episode of the Brady Bunch where he kissed her cheek and she said "Ill never wash this cheek again!" I mean seriously, is this Weatherman guy for real? Is he really this inexperienced, shy, and dorky? And if so, where is he a Waetherman and arent they all going to completely make fun of him when he finally goes back to work? Is he going to start bawling in the newsroom too? Hes making a damn fool of himself on this show so far. 14year olds have more confidence and aura than he does. Asshat.
--The other scene that was interesting on the total other end of the spectrum was the one between Ali and Kirk. Their scene in the video consisted of her wearing a sexy nightie, and then him getting into bed shirtless, and they just randomly start making out. Well, the director yelled CUT, and those two pornstars just kept going, and going, and going, and going ... You have all these other men there WATCHING, and you just decide to publically roll around in bed together for what seemed like an eternity? ICK. Very classy. They were pawing at each other like rabbits, and it just didnt end. I mean really guys, Get a room and go screw already. Now youre just being rude.
There were lots of other men on this groupdate as well, but I couldnt remember most of their names if you paid me. Well, okay, maybe if you paid me, but it would still be difficult. Especially since this show always likes to have a cast of douches who all share the same damn name. Theres always two Chris's, two Mikes, two Curtis's ...and then when The Bachelorette talks about them to the camera she says "When Chris L. kisses me it is amazing, I am falling for Chris L." which sounds incredibly silly to say youre falling for someone, and then refer to them by saying the first initial of their last name. SILLY.
So anyway, Ali and the boys continue the date with a "wrap party" after shooting the video. During this, Weatherman takes her aside and creepily awkwardly says "So ummm.... Wanna go and share our first REAL kiss together?" She just looks at him and says nothing. Fail.
Seconds later, she is headed into the pool with Kirk, and once again they are making out. The old ladies --oh sorry --- MEN - dont like this, so they all cannonball the pool and join the two lovers. Then Ali and her manwhores all watch the porn Barenaked Ladies Video that they apparently just made hours ago. Thats some high quality stuff right there. Im sure a top notch guy edited that thing.
(I just have to interupt myself here to say that Im SO BORED by all this non-drama drama. NONE of this means ANYTHING, and yet its all presented like end of the world type stuff. You know whats end of the world stuff? When your precious kitty is lost and confused and walking around the house searching for her now dead sister because she cant figure out why shes gone suddenly. THATS drama! But on this show, apparently the next thing that happens is the most dramatic thing ever....)
Sigh. Okay. So now the real drama. Justin; the Entertainment Wrestler on crutches for anyone following along; decides that his bum leg is giving him a bum deal on time with Ali, so he sneaks out of Testosterone Castle and WALKS a good 3 miles or so to Alis house. On his crutches. When he gets there, she is so touched by this, that she spends time with him talking, looking through photo albums that he brought over, and cuddling. And giggling of course. Always with the giggling. Eventually, Ali drives Justin back to the house, and then a bit later, her and Hunter have a one-on-one date. During his one-on-one date, they have the most awkward "sitting in the pool" chemistry ever captured on this series. Its hilarious. He kisses her shoulder and you just start cringing because its so lame and forced. There is NO attraction there. Ali is soooo uninterested.So, she does not give Hunter the rose and sends him home.
This somehow turns into "Hunter didnt get enough time on his one-on-one with Ali, thats why he went home!"and "did Justin really walk over there to Alis house? Thats a betrayal of us! He is so two-faced! How dare he do such a thing?" Yes, Justin is kind of a tool. He was gloating about his time with Ali, sort of shoving it in their faces in an indirect and obnoxious way. BUT, Hunter went home because him and Ali had the chemistry of a brick wall. Thats IT. And seriously, if ONE more person on this series says "I dont think hes here for the right reasons" about ANY of the people there, Im going to scream. Every single season on this show, there is always someone who everyone in the house wonders if they are there "for the right reasons." Cant we AT LEAST get a NEW kind of villian? This "right reasons" crap is getting very old. So they all hate Justin, they confront him outside like little girls, call him twofaced, and make it clear that they are not his friends. Kermit the Frog Guy says some things that I cant understand, and closet gay dude John C. says some other things I cant comprehend, and everyone else joins in to say We hate you Justin, you suck. Justin is then shown in silouhette sitting outside crying. What kind of men are these? Youre crying? Over that? Gimme a break please.
A couple other small highlights during the cocktail party:
Ali and Chris L. from Cape Cod get some alone time when she pulls him aside for a bit. He uses this time to tell her that he took 2nd place in a "flip cup tournament" to which she responds "I LOVE flip cup!" He then tells the camera that Ali "totally gets me." Right. Flip cup partners for life. Deep stuff. I do like him though, he seems pretty normal.
Steve set up a lame picnic using a blanket, two votive candles, and a bottle of champagne that took him about eight months to open. After puting on his all important Chapstick, he surprised Ali with his dumb litlte makeshift picnic. I think it lasted about 5minutes, and 4 minutes of that was him trying to open the bottle. They also had no chemistry.
Harrison announces its now time for the Rose Ceremony, and Ali comes out in what looks like a freakin High School Semi Formal dress. What the hell are you wearing woman? (or was that at the cocktail party? I seriously cant remember, as if it matters.) Also, the way that Ali holds the roses drives me nuts. Is anyone else noticing this? She holds them at the very bottom wth two hands, like it takes two hands to hold a freakin rose. I have no idea why this bothers me. Also, she STILL hasnt combed her hair.
The overdramatic rose ceremony took place, and Ali decided to hold onto the Weatherman, as well as Kirk and many others. And of course, she kept Justin, and thanked him for "showing that you would do anything for this rose." BARF!
So, closeted gay dude John C. and dorky picnic guy Steve went home.
I seriously cant type one more second about this motherf**ng show right now. My cat died and I just dont care about Ali and her man posse right now. Or ever really.
But Ill be back. Sigh.
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