BACHELORETTE REVIEW: "Frank's Choice" Episode

Okay, so technically, this review is about a week late. But honestly; does anyone really care at this point? I know I don't. And Im pretty sure you dont either. We all knew I'd get around to writing the review sooner or later, and since last night's "episode" was that stupid "The Men Tell All" crap where all the rejected guys come back and sit around whining like girls about why they didnt get picked; I still have plenty of time to write this up before the big finale on Monday.

So here's the rundown of what happened on last week's mess:

The show opened up with a montage of the three remaining men; Chris, Roberto, and Frank; all gazing out train windows or staring into the ocean as they each said the same exact thing with slightly different wording ... "I am falling for Ali. I am in love with Ali. I have to open up to Ali this week before its too late. I must tell her how I feel." Roberto expressed in his montage that hes "never felt this way so quickly before!" Well, no shit Sherlock! How many times have you been on a reality show where you are placed into overly-romantic situations and locations ALONE with a gorgeous woman over and over again? Of course youre going to fall for her FAST, you dipshit. Chris then says that he is "in love with Ali," and all I can think about is how badly his poor Cape Cod fragile heart is going to shatter into pieces like a shell on that beachhouse he lives in. And then, of course, there's Frank. Frank also says he is falling for Ali, then ends his evil montage with "but as I fall for Ali, Im also falling back in love with my ex-grlfriend, Nicole. I must go to Chicago and see Nicole to find out if my feelings are real."

Sigh. So let me get this straight. This asshat breaks up with his girlfriend Nicole, then proceeds to go on a REALITY SHOW to FIND A WIFE?!, right after breaking off a serious relationship, goes on the show, stays on the show until he is one of THREE men remaining, and THEN decides that, oh, by the way, Im kind of still in love with my EX? WHAAA????? And here I thought that him living with his mommy and daddy and having NO JOB was bad. This is a whole new level of ASS. Frank is now the King of Douchebaggery.

So now the Bachelorette suddently becomes "Frank's Choice" (kind of like "Sophie's Choice", but of course, waaay more dramatic and important) as we follow dumb, craphead Frank to Chicago to go talk to the love of his life Nicole. And wouldn't ya know it, when Frank comes a'knockin on Nicole's HOTEL ROOM door that "The Bachelorette" had her laid up in waitin for him, by miracle of all miracles... SHE IS HOME AND AVAILABLE TO CHAT!!! Imagine that. And while youre at it, also imagine that Nicole just happened to wear a BRIGHT YELLOW shirt while lying around in that hotel room. Ali's favorite color that she wears DAILY. Coincidence? Or "Bachelorette" producers prodding? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

Frank begins to explain to Nicole how he is feeling, and it makes absolutely zero sense. There are words coming out of his mouth, but it's as if they are all scrambled or he doesn't speak english properly. He says, "So um, I uh, um, I have spend the past long while on this journey ..." The past LONG WHILE? Try 6 weeks or whatever the hell it is. And I dont think the phrase "the past long while" even exists, idiot. Maybe get out of your moms house and go to college or something. Get an education.

So Frank continues to ramble on for what seems like an eternity about NOTHING; and Nicole listens. Apparently she is comprehending what this dolt is saying to her, but Im not. Seriously, could he take ANY LONGER to make his freakin point??? The audience watching this show doesnt know this chick Nicole, we are not invested in her NOR do we give a shit about your stupid past relationship. Is it really necessary to show us their entire conversation in this much boring detail? WHO CARES? The show must think we care,since this scene went on FOREVER. Finally ... FINALLY!!!! ... Nicole said to Frank "You need to come home to me" and my husband, who was sitting at the computer doing something, literally starting cracking up laughing and exclaimed, "What the hell is this shit?" Exactly.

Frank then tells Nicole that he needs to go back to Ali and tell her that he's leaving the show to come back to Nicole; who, of course, he BROKE UP WITH, before he even met Ali. So why the hell did they breakup in the first place? What the hell is wrong with this guy? Then... THEN!!!... he actually says to Nicole that going back to talk with Ali "is going to take a lot of courage and strength, so Im going to need to know that you are here supporting me." EEWWWW!!!! Are you for real, loser? Courage and strength to go dump a woman on national TV that is now in love with your dumb ass? COURAGE AND STRENGTH to be a completely spineless non-man of epic proportions? I think the only people who should be allowed to use the term courage and strength should be soldiers, firefighters, cops, life-saving doctors, paramedics, and survivors of true tragedies or hardships. NOT A GODDAMN SPINELESS WEASEL ON A FREAKIN REALITY SHOW!!!! Grrrr. Can you tell I officially HATE Frank now? He is maddening.

Fast-forward back to Ali, who is in TAHITI this week, and exclaims with happy music in the background that "Tahiti is the PERFECT place to fall in love!" And yes, she really said that. Again.

Ali spends time with the three remaining men on the island of TAHITI. Here is what happened during her one-on-one days with each:


ROBERTO AND ALI:

Ali giggled at the thought of how Roberto would look "so hot here in Tahiti." Gag once again.
Please just bone him already. Everyone knows you want to. I dont think you will marry him but would you please just sleep with him already so we can stop hearing about how hot you think he is? Roberto and Ali go on yet ANOTHER helicopter ride ... Yawn! ... to a heart-shaped island. Yes, I really did just say heart-shaped island, and yes, they really went there. They swam in the beautiful water, kissed a lot, giggled a lot, and then had the typical nighttime romantic outdoor dinner, complete with the "Chris Harrison PERMISSION TO F**K Room Key". What is the Permission to F**k Room Key, you ask? Well, "Bachelorette" virgins and newbies, each season, when the Bachelor/Bachelorette is down to just 3 men or women, the host of the show Chris Harrison writes up these cheesy cards and makes the dates read them aloud. They basically say something like "I hope you are enjoying your date in Tahiti. IF you should choose to forgo your seperate rooms for the night, take this Room Key and share the Suite together. Please use this time to f**k Ali's brains out. Toodles! - Chris Harrison." Then the couple decides if they would like to sleep seperately or together that night ...and they almost ALWAYS choose to stay together. Then the cameras take us into the shared Suite just to see how romantic it is ...rose pedals on the bed, hot tub, etc etc ...and thats it. Cameras leave and lights go out, and we are all assuming of course, that at the very least, there was some heavy fooling around happening. So basically; the Bachelorette has the opportunity to sleep with three men in 3 nights, and really whore it up! Good times. So Roberto and Ali of course go off to the Suite together ...and thats all we see.


CHRIS AND ALI:

Cape Cod Chris and Ali go off on a gorgeous boat ride together for their date, and they both use the word LIKE , like, every, like, five , like, seconds. Its pretty annoying. They also kiss a lot, laugh a lot, and seem to have a really nice connection. Which of course means she will tear his heart apart and he will end up commiting suicide. Chris and Ali then have their dinner ona private island, where he tells her he can see them together forever, and also tells her "I love you so much." The happier he got, the more my heart sank for him. I would bet thousands of dollars that she doesnt choose him. I know how this show works, and she wont choose him. Because that would make sense, and this show never makes sense.

THeir date also ended with Chris reading the "Chris Harrison Please F*k in the Fancy Suite" Room Key card; where he and Ali took off to and the cameras did not ....



FRANK AND ALI:

Frank first talks to Chris Harrison about his decision to leave the show and go back with Nicole. Harrison acts like a disappointed father talking to his loser son that he never loved. You can tell Harrison wants to throw this guy into the nearest body of water. Frank seems to be looking for Harrisons approval or something. And STILL, he is making no sense with his words. "I feel that Im in love with Nicole. I hope Im right." You FEEL youre in love with Nicole? Dont you KNOW? You HOPE youre right? Its not a freakin math test you moron ... its your feelings on who you want to BE with! WHAT. AN. IDIOT.

Ali runs to Frank and tells him how excited she is to go sailing with him. Frank tells HER that they need to talk, and he right away sits her down and lets her know whats going on with him. Sort of. In his retarded way. She asks him WHY didnt he say anything before now? He has no response. She is crying and very upset. ITs obvious she was in love with him more than the other two men. She just keeps crying. She tells him "I gave up EVERYTHING to be here!" and he says "I gave upeverything to be here too." At that point, I wanted to kill him myself. What an asshole thing to say to someone you are DUMPING. He is a tool. So, after a long discussion that once again made little sense, Frank left and Ali collapsed in the sand, crying. Daddy Harrison comes to comfort her, and the two share a passionate kiss and then go to the Chris Harrison F**k Suite to do it all night long.

Nah. Im kidding. But dont you wish that were true?

Thats it. Chris and Roberto remain. I heard a rumor that she chooses neither of them. I can believe that, with the way this show works. Whatever happens, I hope that stupid Nicole dumps stupid Frank and he ends up back in his mommys basement with no job, no girlfriend, and no life.

THE END