Tuesday, July 27, 2010

BACHELORETTE REVIEW: Abuser-Jake VS. White-Trash Vienna, and a Boring-Ass Episode

So, long time no type. Seems like two weeks since I last wrote up one of my mocking-toned Bachelorette reviews. Well, thats because it HAS been two weeks. I completely skipped last weeks episode and never wrote the review. Why? Because I was extremely busy all of last week gaining some very minor fame when Ashton Kutcher retweeted a video of mine and suddenly it had 14,000 views; then my parents were in town for a comedy show I did last Saturday. I didnt even get around to watching this boring show until a couple days ago. And then I had to watch THIS weeks on top of last weeks. So please - pity me. Feel bad for me. Thats a lot of Bachelorette watching. So, what Ive decided to do is combine last weeks episode with this weeks; along with the stupid Jake and Vienna "interview" they showed last week; and talk about all of it in one big ole clusterf**k review. It will be very messy ... just like Ali's hair.

So let us begin with last weeks episode, which I will try and cut a bit short in my level of detail. And might I say that the show itself cut everything short last week too, in order to get right to the Jake and Vienna stuff. It was like they were saying "Look, we know this Ali chick is boring and nothings happening right now, so lets just skip right on through all the bullshit and go right to the rose ceremony." There was no talking to Chris Harrison last week, no cocktail party, no nothin. There was, however, a LOT of people overusing the phrase "fairytale." Everything was a goddamn fairytale last week. This dinner is like a fairytale. This soup is like a fairytale. This dump Im taking is such a fairytale. This castle is a fairytale. Ali actually said "Im realizing that life is not a fairytale, but love is." YOU DOPE! THATS the message you are getting from being on this show? Wow, you are really in for a severe heartbreaking.

The fairytale took place in Portugal last week; where the men all stayed together in yet another giant suite that looked exactly the same as all the other giant suites in every single other country so far. Ali came out to greet the men; and in this particular episode, every outfit she wore was horrendous. Now Im no fashion queen, but cmon. This is the best you can do, with an entire staff of production crew to help you get dressed and choose outfits? She had this ridiculous green tank top on with bright red pants. Basically, she looked like a Christmas ornament. Very tacky.

There were about a gazillion dates on last weeks episode. Lets get through them as quickly as possible.

DATE ONE: Ty / Frank / Ali

The ole two on one awkward date that began with yet another helicopter ride.
Ali was acting strange the whole time, as she started to realize how REAL this all REALLY is. Sigh.
Frank tells Ali a huge secret. That he lives with his parents and has no job. She doesnt seem to mind. In fact, she has absolutely no reaction at all to this. So I guess she is totally fine with a directionless zero whos in his 30s and living with mommy and DOESNT WORK. Whatever. But then on the other end of the spectrum, youve got Ty, who likes his women barefoot and in the kitchen. He tries to backpeddle a bit by reassuring Ali that he would be "tickled pink" if she were to go out and work. I seriously almost gagged. So I guess its either A. support Frank while he sits home and finds himself or B. bake cookies while Ty goes out on the workfront in 1954. Great options. Since no roses were given out on the dates last week, both men got to stay and wait until the rose ceremony to see if they were REALLY staying.

DATE TWO: Kirk and Ali

Kurk and Ali went to a fairytale palace castle-like place, where she spent much of her time stressing and worrying about this entire process and bumming Kurk out. Kurk brought up his damn past with MOLD yet again and opened up about how he feels he is deserving of love, despite being attacked by mold. Then an old women sang to them in Portugese as they danced in the moonlight. Like a fairytale.

DATE THREE: Chris and Ali

Can I just say right now that despite the fact this show is completely ridiculous and I dont CARE who she ends up with because its all BS anyway and will result in a breakup a month later ... despite all of that; I really really like Chris. A lot. He seems incredibly normal, funny, and hes from my home state of Massachusetts and has that Mass sarcastic humor that I love. I just have no idea why someone that seemingly normal would go on a show like this to begin with, so he must have SOME issues, but he seems great and I would totally choose him right now and just end the show.

But since that wont happen, Chris and Ali rode mopeds and Ali took control of the bike and the relationship to move it forward. Chris gave Ali a special bracelet that his sisters also wear; something to do with his dead mom; I didnt really grasp what he was saying, but it was a nice gift.

And thats it folks. Rose Ceremony. Ali sent Ty home and he was really upset in the limo ride leaving. Apparently he thought Ali and him would be together forever. Nope. Guess not. Too bad for you.

If this review feels rushed, thats EXACTLY how the episode felt, because the last 40minutes or so were spent on the EXCLUSIVE interview with Jake and Vienna. So lets talk about that for a bit ....


I would just like to say that if one more media show asks if we are on Team Jake or Team Vienna, I might throw my TV out my 3 story window. Im on Team Who Gives a Shit because they are both immature, whiney, annoying fame whores. Seriously. This was one of the most ridiculously CHILDISH conversations I have ever heard between two people on or off television. The fact that these two idiots are adults is somewhat astounding.

Chris Harrison began by saying how SORRY he was that "we are all meeting up like this. I wish it was under happier circumstances." NO YOU DONT you douchebag. This is EXACTLY what you and ABC wanted. This exclusive interview where Jake and Vienna can barely look at one another, and where they yell at each other on tv, and your ratings go through the roof. Stop being so phony.

So basically what we have here is a white trash drama queen from Tackyville Florida vs. a Domineering Condescending, phony smiled No Emotion Women Abuser Robot; disguised as the All American Boy. Jake is an ass. Pure and simple. The way he was talking to her, the tone he was using during this interview; it was like he was talking to a puppy or a small child. I actually felt badly for her for a few seconds. Until she started yapping. Vienna is unbelievably annoying. SHe is an emotional basketcase, and he has no emotion. He cuts her off, yells, loses his temper often, and on two different occcasions screamed at her STOP INTERUPTING ME and theone that really made me cringe; "Babe ... BE QUIET when I am talking." That statement just about made me throw up right there. What a douche. There was one point when they ACTUALLY were arguing and saying "you broke up with me " "no you broke up with me" etc. It was embarassing. The trainwreck of an interview ended when Jake blew up for the last time and Vienna broke down in overdramatic tears, weeping and "fleeing the interview." (Fargo)

Talk about 40 minutes of pointless television.


This week, Ali went to each guys hometown to meet the families of the men who she is going to break up with or leave in the dust or not propose to or propose to and not mean it. So, here we go:

TAMPA FLORIDA: First up was Roberto's family in Tampa. Roberto put on his baseball uniform and he and Ali played baseball on the field he used to play on, then they went to meet his family. He has a strict Navy dad, a mom that looks way too young for his dad, and a lot of other very ethnic people in a house where Ali seemed incredibly misplaced and out of touch. They seemed to all get along okay, but it wasnt very natural.

CAPE COD MASS / CHRIS: I am biast. I love Cape Cod and I love Chris. Gorgeous place. Chris was waiting with his dog on some rocks by the beach for Ali, and they walked along the beach and hung out before going home to meet the family. The house was a shrine to Chris mom who died of cancer last year, and it seemed a bit sad but also filled with love and warmth. His father is probably oneof the nicest men alive it seems, and he almost got me teary eyed when he was talking about how he met his wife and recalling stories about her. Chris's family seemed very protective over him, but very very nice and welcoming. Ali seemed to fit in there very well. She is a moron if she doesnt choose him, but since this show is filled with nothing BUT morons, Im 100% sure she will not choose him.

CHICAGO ILLINOIS / FRANK: When Frank and Ali met up in the streets of Chicago, she literally ran into his arms and went YAYYY!!!! Like, she actually said "Yay!" like a little girl. Clearly, Frank is the one that Ali wants most, and the one that she is falling for. Her eyes light up and sparkle whenever she is with him, and she does more giggling with him than anyone else. So, of course, he will be the one to crush her heart next week when he tells her whatever hes going to tell her;whatever they have been building up to this whole season. There is a LOT of sobbing happening in next weeks preivews, so my guess is that Frank either has an A. girlfriend B. fiance or C. wife at home. Why the HELL he would wait til NOW to tell her this is beyond me, but I guess we will find out. Does anyone on this show NOT have a secret girlfriend???

Anyway, Frank starts acting all weirdlike and whiney and scared, and they both talk about how scared they are of each other and of being happy together, etc. She meets the family, and Franks mom is very sweet, very normal, nice. I seriously cannot remember the rest so it must have been incredibly boring. I believe that she got along VERY well with Franks family, and that she fit in nicely.

GREENBAY WISCONSIN / KURK: I cant recall what they did before meeting Kurks family, so lets just skip ahead to the family meetup. Kurks dad is a total nerd who collects animal heads in his basement. Creepster! He actually said to Ali "Wanna see my basement?" like a child molestor. Kurks stepmom had THE most annoying accent Ive ever heard in my entire life. Kurks parents are divorced, so Ali then had to go and meet Kurks real mom and grandmother. His mom was quite bizarre. Weird looking with braces and messed up hair. She told Ali the story of how Kurk was "when he was sick" (the godamn mold again) and how strong he was, etc. Ali and the mom shared a moment. Kurk tells his family he is falling for Ali, and then Ali sends him packing at the rose ceremony.

So we now have Frank, Chris, Roberto. And next week ... Frank screws everything up.


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