BACHELORETTE REVIEW: "Someone Isnt Here for the Right Reasons" Episode

If you haven't been keeping up with this riveting series or my reviews of it, then you might wonder what the definition of the term "non-drama drama" is. Well, Id be happy to share. Its a term I made up for something that is supposed to be dramatic, but isnt dramatic at all; OR; something that really could be dramatic, but that is made into a much bigger deal than it needs to be on this show. This particular Ali season has been FILLED with non-dramatic dramatic moments; which often results in a big ole giant snoozefest. When producers try to create drama where there is none, or a semi-dramatic storyline develops but involves an EXTREMELY boring person; then you get a lot of zzzzzzzzzz ... oh, Im sorry. Did I fall asleep just now? I didnt mean to. This weeks episode was SO FREAKIN BORING that I think I developed narcolepcy while watching it.

We, the viewers, have already been treated to lots of non-dramatic drama in the Ali season. Here are some examples:

1. The huuuuge deal the producers made about Kasey being "creepy." Playing weird horror music everytime he was onscreen, making the tattoo thing a MUCH bigger deal than it really was, etc. In the end, he was just a very weird dude with a voice like a frog. Dork? Yes. A bit strange? Absolutely! But creepy? I dont think so.

2. Kurt's retarded MOLD story. This was perhaps THE most boring, pointless, doesnt matter story ever. And they built it up like it was this huge secret that would change their relationship forever; made it sound like he was "hiding something" from Ali. No. The dude got some mold poisoning awhile back and got very ill from it. Thats it. Who the hell cares?

3. The Weatherman and all of his weirdness and emotional baggage. They made it seem as if he was very unstable and clingy with Ali. Yes, the guy was extremely odd. And yes, he made weather references all the damn time and I wanted to kill him for that. But they spent way too much time focusing on this loser for no real reason.

And this week; the non-drama drama starts up pretty much right away after the wacky guys and gal land in Istanbul, Turkey. Ali exclaims: "I didnt realize that 13 million people lived here!" No, of course you didnt. Until the producers handed you that card which told you that 13 million people live there. Ali then went on and on about how happy she is right now, and how NOTHING could possibly go wrong at this point! And then .... you guessed it ... it goes wrong. Cue dramatic music.

Douchebag Harrison shows up at Ali's Suite with some bad news. Because thats Harrison's job; besides saying: "Ali, you have one rose left .... take a minute ....when youre ready...." Thats his FAVORITE job that gives him a reason to wake up in the morning; but he REALLY gets off when there is some huge drama going on that he gets to report to the Bachelorette. Cuz then he gets some true screen time. When the producers told him that Justin had a girlfriend and that he gets to break the news to Ali, he probably went off to his Bachelorette room and jerked off because he was so excited by this. So anyway, Harrison knocks on Ali's door and tells her the bad news that someone "isnt here for the right reasons." Then, just to drag this out as much as possible, he tells Ali that he is going to call Jesse, who was on last seasons Bachelor with Jake, and let Ali talk to Jesse on the phone. (What the hell Jesse has to do with ANYTHING is beyond me) So he calls Jesse: and Im not kidding; her phone must have rang 11 times before she finally picked it up. CMON! Like she wasnt sitting right there waiting for this call that she KNEW was coming? Such bullshit.

Ali and Jesse get on the phone, and Jesse tells Ali that "someone is not there for the right reasons, and that someone is Justin. He has a girlfriend." Ali asks Jesse how she knows this, and Jesse says "because Im sitting right here with her!" (more dramatic music) Ladies and gentlemen ... nondrama drama. So the stupid girlfriend now gets on the phone and immediately starts crying her head off. Her and Ali have a really boring conversation about how Justin planned on using the show to promote his wrestling career, and making it to the "top 3". Gee, where have we heard this before? Ummm, can you say WES? That was LAST seasons guy who "wasnt there for the right reasons", and was there to promote his shitty music career. At least HE had a hilariously horrific cheesy personality that was fun to mock. Justin is about as exciting as that Mold that almost murdered Kurk. But we will get to that soon. Back to the boring phonecall. Dumb girlfriend sobs some more and tells Ali that her and Justin have been together for over 2 years; and that one day, out of the blue, he says he is going to go on The Bachelorette to promote his career, but that he loves HER and not to worry, etc. She says she went along with it because she loved him. Im sorry, but thats where you lose me. You WENT ALONG WITH IT? Really? Well lady, you are officially an idiot. Ali gets off the phone with the boring girlfriend, and Chris Harrison acts all "father-figure, I care about you as a person" with Ali; telling her how very sorry he is and asking what she wants to do. Ali decides to go downstairs right now and confront Justin.

What followed was the most boring confrontation EVER on network television. I couldnt believe my eyes and ears while watching this stupid, infantile, lameass, no purpose, go nowhere scene between Ali and Justin. TERRIBLE! It was very difficult to stay awake, to be honest with you. Because not only was it boring, but it went on and on and on and on.... If any of you saw it, you surely know what Im talking about.

First of all, for the total douchebag that Justin is, Ali didnt really seem to care all that much one way or the other about him. When she was told about Justins intentions by Chris, she kind of just sat there going "mmhmm" over and over. There were no tears, no sadness, not much anger or emotion at all. She just said she wanted him gone. Understandable. But Its hard to believe that she had developed ANY sort of feelings for this guy at all. If she did, it did not show one bit.

Ali goes down to the room where all the men are; and Harrison follows her like a wounded puppy. He tells the men "Men - Ali has something to say." Wow thanks! Its a good thing you told them that, because otherwise noone would have figured that out when she started moving her lips to talk. What would we do without you Harrison? Ali asks the men if this has been hard on them, then she says "Well Justin it must be especially hard on YOU since your girlfriend is at home waiting for you!" (this moment was supposed to be dramatic but it wasnt.) Justin says nothing. Ali continues to probe and say the word girlfriend about 4 more times. Justin hops off on his crutches (which he got rid of last week so why are they back on again?) and again says nothing. Ali tells him to stay and talk like a MAN!!! He hops away. Ali says that she is "pissed." She tells us this four times. Into the camera. To Chris Harrison. To Justin. To the men. I guess she is pissed. Or she wants us to think she is pissed. Either way - more nondrama-drama.

Ali goes after Justin after he exits whatever building they are all in. All the girly-gossipy-men watch through the window as the drama unfolds. They say shocking things about Justin like:

"Hes nothing but a JERK!" (ooooohhh! Watch your language there buddy! This is a family show!)

"I hope he has to swim in those crutches!" (Ummm, okay. Good one!)

"We are in Turkey, and He is a Turkey!" (this isnt the exact quote, but I swear someone actually said that. Im not making it up.)

So Hopalong Justin hops over fences, through bushes, over endless fields of grass ... there seems to be an obstacle course outside wherever he goes, and Ali is following him half-yelling things like: "Cmon Justin! Is this how you want to be perceived? Talk to me like a man Justin! Are you really just going to walk away?" He keeps walking away. Finally, after what seems like hours of watching him limp and hop along and getting nowhere, Justin comes back and sits on a random bench with Ali. This was pretty much their dialogue:

Justin: So, Im sure you like, wanna chop off my head right now and everything ....
Ali: your girlfriend ....
Justin: Well....she like.....like my best friend and ummm....going into this and ....wth 100% of my heart and I did that but then I .... well this is the thing ... like...like about what? I dont...ummm...I didnt...no no...Im not sure."
Ali: She was sobbing on the phone! Are you saying she lied to me? That your girlfriend is a liar?
Justin" Ummm no no ...Im not... the thing is ... I dont.... we are best friends...and ....
Ali: she said that you two have been planning this from the beginning, and that it was to get famous only, and that the whole time you have been calilng her and leaving messages etc.
Justin: No no I didnt, well... I mean... no , It wasnt to get famous and no messages, I ....Im sorry....

He literally MADE NO SENSE. It was like she was talking to someone from another country who doesnt speak english, except that conversation would have made more sense than this one. And as Justin hopped away for the final time, all the many phone messages he left for his girlfriend played out for the TV audience to hear. That was pretty funny.

So we move on from stupid Justin. After all, we do have DATES to go on this week with Ali.
Ty gets the one on one date, and all the other men bitch and moan about it like women.



TY AND ALI's DATE:

The date basically included a lot of giggling, relaxing, saying the word AWESOME every two seconds, massaging one another, kissing while sitting in a turkish bath together, and more porn-like massage. Later on; the two lovebirds have a romantic dinner by the water; where Ali interrogates Ty about his first marriage and finds out that hes a true country boy at heart. Not always a good thing. Sure, he opens doors for you and is a gentleman; BUT; he also told her that a huge reason his first marriage ended was because he couldnt deal with his wife being in the work force. Then he actually said "Im startin to realize now that women can work! they are CEOs and Presidents of companies!" Ummm, YEAH JACKASS! Who are you, Ralph Kramden? Is this 1947? You REALLY didnt know that women WORK? Way to stay relevant in society dude. But hey, he kisses great, so stupid Ali gave him the rose and he stays.



GROUP DATE:

The group date was Kurk, Roberto, Craig, and Chris. Ali tells them that they are going to be embracing Turkish tradition and fighting for one-on-one time with her. Guess how? No, really. Just guess. TURKISH OLIVE OIL WRESTLING. This involves Ali smothering the shirtless men in olive oil, and then pairing them up with professional olive oil wrestlers; because apparently this is a big deal sport in Turkey; and making them roll around covered in olive oil half nude with other giant, half nude dudes who look like they are wearing Depends. The winner gets a date that night with Ali. Yeah. So: THIS IS THE GAYEST THING EVER ON THIS SHOW!!! And thats saying a lot, since every week they make these men do something incredibly GAY to "prove their love and devotion" to Ali. Nothin really shows your love for a woman like rolling around naked covered in olive oil with another ...... man. Most ridiculous thing ever. So they pair up and do the gay porn ... I mean ... wrestling thing .... and everyone pretty much lost against their PRO better half. Except Craig, who has had NO one on one dates with Ali and was determined to wrestle his little gay ass off to get one. So he is declared the winner. But then ... THEN ... they make the men go up against each OTHER in yet another round of gayness. So what the hell was the purpose of the pro-wrestlers then? MAKES NO SENSE. So Roberto and Craig pair up, and Craig fights hard and somehow wins. And that, my friends, is the entire group date. Can you imagine if you are one of these four men and THATS your group date with Ali? Having her watch as you bump uglies with some half naked dude, and then you go home? I would be PISSED. Much like Ali was when she found out Justin has a girlfriend. Uh huh.



CRAIG AND ALIS DATE:

They go on a boatride, then watch fireworks while eating desserts and champagne.
They hug awkwardly and have ZERO chemistry. He is under the impression that he is interesting and that he will keep seeing Ali. I think I fell asleep after that, and so did Ali.



FRANK AND ALIS DATE:

Frank gets the official second one on one date with Ali. All the guys are mad as hell and not gonna take it, because Frank already HAD a one on one date way back in the beginning. Well WAAAHHHH!! Get the hell over it you big babies. She likes him, so hes getting another one. Sit home and knit some sweaters and watch The Gilmore Girls in your Turkish Suite; or whatever the hell you gayboys do together while not out with Ali.

Frank and Ali meet up and have great chemistry right from the first second. Its clear that she likes him a lot. Which of course means that their relationship will end in heartache. But for now, they walk around the streets of Turkey; haggling for items in the market, trying on ridiculous outfits and buying a carpet after being forced by a pushy salesdude. Then Ali takes Frank to dinner in a "magical" place. He pours his heart out to her, and she stares at him in silence before saying that her feelings for him "scare her." She is afraid of having them not returned, and afraid to fall for him. They kiss and kiss and she says he has the potential to break her heart. Its almost as if she KNOWS that something terribly awful will happen next week between her and Frank, according to the preview scenes. He tells her something that changes everything, and there is LOTS of crying and tears from both of them. Gee. I wonder if he was also attacked by MOLD. Or maybe he had a headcold once. Or the flu. That would be devestating.



Holy Christ are we done here yet? I TOLD you this episode was boring. Ali sits down with Chris Douchebag Harrison and tells him that she doesnt need to have a Cocktail Party tonight because she already knows who she wants to send home, and she doesnt feel its fair to that person to put them through a party where they might think they are staying. Well thank GOD for small miracles, at least THIS part of the show wasnt dragged out. After she tells Harrison the news, she looks out the window longingly.

ROSE CEREMONY:

Yawn. Ali gave roses to everyone, until the two left standing were Kurk and Craig. Harrison said his line: "Ali, this is the final rose ... whenever youre ready .... " Then Ali stood with the rose in her hand for about 4.6 hours looking dramatically and then ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh Im sorry, did I fall asleep AGAIN? Wow. I apoligize. She sent Craig home. Huge surprise. Not.

Craig looked like death warmed over as he left Turkey confused and forlorn. I always love the moment when whoever is being sent home finds out; and then Douchebag Harrison says "Im sorry Craig ... take a moment... say your goodbyes." Its SO PHONY. As if Harrison gives a crap about these men and who goes home or not. Anyway, Craig seemed brokenhearted and shocked that he was going home; and I needed to be revived after falling asleep yet again. Next weeks episode, in two days, is in Portugal. PLEASE let there be some ACTUAL drama and let it be more exciting than this borefest was.

Seacrest Out! Oh sorry. Wrong show.