BACHELORETTE REVIEW: "Iceland is the Perfect Place to Fall In Love!" Episode

Hey kids, did you know that Iceland is THE perfect place to fall in love? No? Well neither did I. But then Ali informed me that it was, on this weeks episode of The Bachelorette. Its funny though, because I thought that New York City was the perfect place to fall in love. Thats what Ali said last week when the gang traveled to NYC together. Or wait ... maybe Istanbul, Turkey is the perfect place to fall in love! Yes, that must be it. Because that is where these fools will end up next week in their quest for love- turned- failed tabloid relationship. The lesson? Wherever you are at that particular time and moment, THAT is the perfect place to fall in love.

By the way, speaking of tabloid-failed relationships, Jake and Vienna broke off their engagement. For anyone not following, Jake is last seasons Bachelor, and Vienna is the white-trash redneck that he chose to spend his life with. Well .. life ... or about 4months. If those two crazy kids cant make it work, well then what chance do the rest of us have? Sniff sniff. So, yet another failed relationship from this ridiculous show. This makes The Bachelor 0 for however many seasons they have been on,while The Bachelorette has I believe 2 successful relationships thus far. Something tells me that Ali will be joining the failed column. But Im getting ahead of myself ...

So we begin with the plane landing in Iceland, which I must say, looks like an absolutely beautiful place. Too bad it was filled with douchebags from The Bachelorette for a few days. Ali walked the streets in an igloo looking hat and weird outfit, exclaiming that Iceland is "amaaazing!" and "I never thought Id come to Iceland to find love." Well of course you didnt, you dumbass. Who does? Who thinks "Gee, I think Ill go to Iceland and find love today!" But when a free trip is shoved in front of your face as part of the silly romance show you agreed to be on, well then little lady... looks like youre goin to Iceland!

Douchebag Harrison also gets to make the trip, because apparently this guys life is aiding Bachelors and Bachelorettes to "find love" on national TV. This is why Chris Harrison is such a douche to me. I mean honestly - who has a life goal of being the host of The Bachelor/Bachelorette series for years and years and years, and takes it THAT seriously? You can tell this dude aint kidding around with this gig. This is his life. His most important (subtext of important is of course pointless) moment on the show is each week, during the Rose Ceremony, when there is only one rose left. This is his big time to shine. This is when he gets to come out, stop the entire show, and say overdramatically "Ali ... you have one rose left. When youre ready ...." THATS HIS PURPOSE! As if its necessary for him to even say that at all? I think the audience and Ali and the men can all figure out that there is one rose left, without him telling us. But you can tell he looks forward to that moment in the spotlight. Its HIS time and noones gonna take it away!

Back to Iceland. Harrison tells the guys they have one hour to write original love poems to Ali and then present them to her. GAG! The winner, chosen by Ali, would go on a one-on-one date with her.

So, the men began performing for Ali. And Shakespeare they were not. Hell, they werent even Shell Silverstein or Dr. Seuss. Some of these poems were simply horrific. At about 6minutes into the show, Chris N. FINALLY freakin said something, and it was so boring and forgettable that I cant tell you what it was. WOW that guy is a snooze. And this was part of his poem:

"We need to go out, heat up Iceland
......and head out."

This was followed by awkward silence. Perhaps he should go back to never speaking.

Most of the other poems were pretty lame, Kermit the Frogs was of course a bit creepy and had the phrase "my heart, my heart" all over it, and Frank and Kurk both went over to Ali and delivered their poems more intimately, which she liked. Franks was the best one, but Ali chose Kurk because they havent had a one-on-one date yet. Really though, she chose him because she loves sucking face with him and wanted to do more of it. Lets be real. I mean cmon ... he said she had "root-beer eyes" in his poem. Really? Root beer eyes? Sit down and try again.

KIRK AND ALI DATE:

This date was just weird. The two lovebirds first went to a swetershop and tried on sweaters. Let me repeat that for you. They went to a sweatershop. And tried on sweaters. (crickets) Riveting, eh? Oh but it gets worse. For some stupid reason, these giggling morons thought it would be cute and adorable to buy the EXACT same outfit, silly hat and all, and wear it out of the store. So they continued to walk around Iceland looking like retarded Doublemint Twins.

So Tweedly Dee and Tweedly Dumber then went to a Lobster House for a romantic dinner. Ali kept telling the camera that she wanted Kirk to "open up" to her, and Kirk kept telling the camera that tonight he was going to reveal his big past history to Ali, and hope that she still wants to be with him anyway. So he started to tell Ali all of his hopes and dreams, his life goals, and everything in nauseating detail about his life ... all leading up to this big, huge SECRET about him that he needed to get out to her. Now, there are a lot of things I can think of that one might have as a secret that would affect future relationships and therefore be hard to talk about. Big secrets; such as: Hey Ali, Im gay. Thought you should know. Or; I used to be a woman. Now Im not. Or maybe: FYI Ali ... Ive got 3 kids at home. Theyre not mine. I kidnapped them. To me, those might be secrets that would change the course of any relationship. With that in mind, would you like to hear what Kirks big secret was? Would you? You wont believe it. I mean, if I asked you to take 5 guesses on what the secret is, you would never in a milion years guess this. Because its THAT random. Okay. Here we go ....

Kirks Secret: A few years ago, he got really sick and the culprit was aesbestos i.e. MOLD poisoning. His secret was about Mold. Not cancer, not AIDS, not even clinical depression ... MOLD!!!??!!!??!!!! Are you freakin KIDDING ME??? Ummm, sorry about your mold poisoning, but HOW DOES THIS AFFECT ANYTHING in ANY WAY? He told her this big bad mold secret like he was telling her that he is a child molestor. He got sick from some mold in the walls of his house. Okay. Wow that sucks dude. Can we move on now? The BEST line of the entire date was when he was wrapping up his riveting tale of mold illness, he actually told Ali: "It doesnt define me." Like it was a rape. Mold does NOT define me!!! Im seriously still laughing over how stupid this was. Mold. In the end, his mold story won him a rose from Ali.

GROUP DATE:

The group date was pretty uneventful and involved lots of horse riding and then exploring into a cave of some sort. Ty used his cowboy skills to be the helpful guy of the day; while Frank sulked in the corner because he couldnt have Ali all to himself. Later that night, Ali takes the guys to Blue Lagoon Lake, which is supposedly a magical place, and she kisses Chris L. and spends more time with Ty. Ty gets the group date rose, making him safe for another week.


2 on 1 DATE with KASEY, JUSTIN, ALI:

Yes folks, chance (or the producers) put the two people in the house who hate each other most, on a 2 on 1 date with Ali, where one of them gets a rose and the other one goes home. Kasey continued to tell the camera that he was giong to guard and protect Alis heart , and that he needed to find the right time to tell her about his stupid tattoo. Justin, meanwhile, continued to give his pompous and smug looks to everyone and brag about how he isnt planning on being sent home today. Justin then has his crutches removed and gets a leg brace instead. The three then head onto ...you guessed it... a private plane ...where they fly over and then watch an erupting volcano. Later, Ali spent time talking alone with each guy. With Justin, he tried to comfort her and make her feel better about all that she is going through in making these difficult decisions each week. He came across as phony to me. Ali seemed to buy it though. With Kasey the Frog, ali said to camera that all he needed to do was "be normal." Well THATS a ringing endorsement. Guess what? He wasnt normal. They sat on ice and drank hot chocolate while he talked about his hurting heart and his guarding and protecting her and blah blah blah...then he whipped it out! No, not THAT. The tattoo. He explained that this is who he is and he wanted to prove how dedicated he was to her. SHe looked freaked out and said nothing. Minutes later, Ali walked along the icy snow with the two men, and chose to keep Justin and send poor Kasey home with his dumb tattoo. They literally looked down on him as their plane took off and he stood there in the snow alone.

COCKTAIL PARTY:

Frank takes Ali's advice to be more assertive and he steals her away at the party. They kiss and hug and get all cutesy with each other. Craig R. then takes Ali aside and shows her his love by premiering HIS tattoo, which is a penned in cheesy drawing of a cupid with a bow through it. He was mocking Kasey and it was pretty funny. Lastly, Chris N. also took Ali aside for some one on one time, where he proved once again that he is in fact the most uninteresting person on the planet. Heres a taste of their conversation:

Ali: So tell me something about you...
Chris: Ummm ... I like mexican food.
Ali: Uh huh.
Chris: Umm, people are like 'oh my god youre so funny' ... (silence)
Ali: hmmm....

SO AWKWARD.

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison takes Ali aside and talks with her, host to Bachelorette.
He suddenly turns into a therapist as he calls Ali out on being "afraid to fall in love." Ali says she is scared that she will fall for someone and they wont love her back. Harrison gives a phony "I care about you as a person" look, and they start to make out with each other. Nah. They dont. But thatd be hilarious.


ROSE CEREMONY:

Ali sends home just one guy, and that is Chris N. Yup, Mr. Snoozefest goes home. And he looked as if someone shot his entire family when he found out it was him leaving. He actually said "Im actually really surprised" Really? Are ya? You have the personality of plywood, dude. Get in the sad limo and go home.

Those of you who arent watching the show and only reading my blog, I highly suggest watching next weeks episode, as it looks like a good one, filled with overdramatics and lots of sobbing and yelling. It seems that SOMEONE "isnt here for the right reasons" and has a girlfriend at home. (Gee how original. Didnt we have this issue last season?) My guess is that its Justin. He just seems really full of himself and not that into Ali, so I can see it being him. Whatever it is, it should be a fun trainwreck next week.

Next stop on the train of Failed Romance? TURKEY! (which is the perfect place to fall in love)