BACHELORETTE REVIEW "I Want to Guard and Protect Your Heart" Episode

So, apparently the producers of "The Bachelorette" have completely lost their goddamned minds, because this was by far the weirdest, most bizarre episode yet. Not only was there a ton of "non-drama drama" as I like to call it (thats when they TRY to make us think that something really dramatic or exciting is happening by playing strange music in the background or showing things in shadows, when in fact, nothing at all is actually happening.), but there was a whole buttload of bad singing going on during this episode. I mean seriously, what was with all the singing? There were men serenading Ali (badly), a group date on broadway at THE LION KING, and guitars were breaking out left and right with some of the worst written songs Ive ever heard in my entire life. Welcome to The Bachelorette: The Musical. You will not get your moneys worth.

So, as always, we begin with douchebag host Chris Harrison (Im still convinced he is a direct relative of douchebag host Ryan Seacrest) gathering all the "men" into the living room of Testosterone Castle for a very exciting announcement. Are you ready? The men will be leaving Testosterone Castle FOREVER! From now on, they will be traveling around the WORLD to fall in love with Ali. Yup. These losers are going on a world tour to fight over this dumb girl. I wonder if they will sell t-shirts and have a tour-bus. After all, they are such wonderful singers ... (Gag)

So, no more Testosterone Castle. These men will have to lie around shirtless pounding beers in fancy hotels and condos across the world. Nothing like a bunch of grown-ass horny men all living together, right? Its sort of like being in prison, and everyone knows what happens in prison ...


The first stop on this Tour of Ali is, of course, NYC. Because let's be even more cliche, shall we? Ali is seen walking the city streets dressed in all black and a bright yellow knit hat. She holds her deli coffee in both hands (just like she holds the roses, as if its a large bouquet that needs two hands) and tells us how she cant WAIT to fall in love in NYC, and how AMAZING this will be. At this point, Ali is swept off by some random team at IN STYLE magazine, for a complete makeover. Well, if your definition of a makeover is a couple of new outfits to borrow for dates, then sure. She looked exactly the same after the makeover, and her stupid hair was still all over the place and unbrushed. She is lucky that she is naturally pretty, because she is a mess. During her supposed makeover, she tells the stylist all about her "boys" and how great they are. First of all, STOP referring to them as BOYS. Its annoying. And second, some of the things that come out of this girls mouth are just ... well ... retarded. Like this:

ALI: (to stylist) "Frank is the funniest guy Ive EVER met in my ENTIRE life!"

Ummm, really? Okay, at best, Frank is mildly amusing. He is funny in a dorky sort of way. But the funniest person youve ever met? Ever? Funnier than anyone else you know in your whole life? Wow. Remind me to never attend a family gathering at Ali's house. Must be a room full of unfunny, monotone, boring asswipes sitting around drinking hot tea. No wonder Ali giggles at EVERYTHING. Shes desperate for a laugh.


KASEY THE FROG / ALI ONE ON ONE DATE:

Kasey got the first one on one date with Ali. The best way to describe their date would be awkward. No - uncomfortable. No chemistry. Forced. Horrific unexplainable conversation. Nervous giggling. And Kasey sounds like he has snot in his nose everytime he speaks. I cant handle it. He needs to spend about a week and a half in a room alone, just blowing his nose until that shits all gone. Disgusting.

This awful date started out with, you guessed it, a helicopter!!! WOW! I cant believe it, can you? Hey, did you know that Ali is afraid of flying? And hey, lets have a helicopter or private jet OVER AND OVER AGAIN for multiple dates, and continue to act like its NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!

Kasey tells both the camera and Ali directly SEVERAL times that he wants to "guard and protect" her heart. It sounds like hes reading from a script, which she TELLS him, and he doesnt understand. He just continues to use terms like "fantasy girl", "wife" "waiting for my special moment" and his favorite; "I want to guard and protect your heart." Each time Kasey says these things, he is met with silence and awkwardness. You would think he would back off. But no. His reaction is to randomly start singing to her out of nowhere. They are sitting in the grass and he suddenly starts serenading Ali and staring at her intently. The last line of his awful song is:

"I hope in my hindsight, I will see and find a rose."

Yeah. Move over James Taylor. We got ourselves a songwriter here.
My favorite part was right after his song ended -- there was a moment of confused silence -- and then he said, "Yeah. Thats pretty intense stuff." No, no, no, no, no, you ASS! That was not intense. It was just BAD. And awkward. And baffling. And you are really, really weird.

After Kaseys mini-musical, the two head over to the Natural Museum of History, where they run around in the dark with flashlights and pretend to act all frightened of the fake dinosaurs. It is at this point that we are supposed to find Kasey creepy, since he "scares" Ali by hiding in a hallway. I find him creepy simply because hes a goddamn weirdo. The date ended by Kasey singing to her AGAIN, followed by more silence. Ali did not give Kasey the rose, but then she told him she wanted him to stick around and not go home. Since when does no rose = you get to stay? What the hell is that? Way to completely change the rules of the game there Ali. If you want him to stay, then give him the stupid rose, whats the difference? Honestly, when she started telling him he didnt gt the rose, he looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown, so I think she sensed that and told him to stay so he wouldnt off himself.



LION KING GROUPDATE:

This weeks orgy... I mean... group date... was with Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kurt, Jonathan (Weatherman), Frank, and Ty. Oh, and I guess you can come along too Ali. Even though youre sick as a dog and are coughing and sneezing all over everybody. Great, good times. Thats fun when youre making out with 10 different guys per night. Nice job of passing on some real germs to every single guy there. Now, if you didnt think all these men hanging out together with one woman was gay enough; its about to get much gayer; because this weeks group date went to Broadway's THE LION KING. Ali told the camera about 400 times how broadway is her very favorite thing on earth, and how its amazing and wonderful and she loves it very much. At this point, we find out that the men are going to audition to be IN The Lion King with Ali, and only one of them will win this amazing prize. Roberto won, and the other men warbled their way through "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" Ali swooned at Robertos cock ... and the two went on to rehearse their very weird little dance number as all the men were forced to watch. The Weatherman started getting all upset again because he cant sing, and said to the camera "The forecast was for sunny skies, then out of the blue, clouds came in and crapped all over me." Really? REALLY? Does everything have to be a weather reference with this ass? We get it, youre a weatherman. Talk like a human being.


After the Lion King mess, Ali brings the men to a bar, because really, these people need to drink more alcohol. Everyone tries pulling Ali aside to get some alone time with her, and most of them fail. Weatherman tries to interupt a conversation and gets told to come back later, Frank and Ali share a nice kiss in the rain under an umbrella (as she hacks and coughs into his mouth IN THE RAIN!!!), and then Ali ends the evening by not giving out a rose to anyone, and telling the men "Kurt is going to walk me up to my room." Translation: Kurt and I are going to go and have nasty, germy, snot-infested intimate time.




CHRIS L. AND ALI / ONE ON ONE DATE:

Chris L. gets the second one on one date, but Ali is still sick, so she tells him to please come to her suite to hang out instead of going out in NYC together. He brings her soup and flowers, and they talk on the couch about his dead mother. Ya know, for a guy who doesnt like to talk about his dead mother, he sure does talk about his dead mother a lot. Wow. This time he told a sappy story about his mom telling him to look for her in rainbows, and now he sees rainbows everywhere he turns. Perhaps you need to lay off the crackpipe there, Chris. I think Ive seen maybe three rainbows EVER. Theres no way everytime you wake up youre seeing a damn rainbow. I dont buy it.

After talking about Chris's dead mom awhile, Ali allows Chris to call his dad so that his dad can wish him a Happy Birthday. Well gee, isnt that nice? You get one phone call Chris. Im telling you -its just like prison. So Chris and his dad have a conversation that lasts about 7 seconds, and then Ali decides that she is all of a sudden feeling much better. I guess that soup was filled with rainbows and magic powers. So they head on out to a club called 235th Club; where they gorge on lobster and other seafood. The two then head up to the rooftop where Joshua Radin (I know... who?) sings to them (more singing) as they open mouth kiss in a really off-putting fashion. Chris gets a rose and gets to stay. As opposed to Kasey, who DIDNT get a rose, and gets to stay. Yeah, that makes sense.


At this point in the episode, all of the non-drama drama begins. Basically, it involves Kasey sneaking out and getting a tattoo of a Shield that will ... you guessed it ... "guard and protect" Ali's heart forever. When all the gossipy-old ladies ... I mean, men ... wonder about where he went off to and why he has a bandage on his wrist... he makes up some idiotic story about how he got a mild burn and had to go to the hospital. Well, savvy Justin isnt buying it, and knows a lie when he hears one. He confronts Kasey and tells him that hes not here "for the right reasons." This, coming from the guy who snuck off to Alis house LAST week hopping on his left foot, then, in another camera shot, hopping on his right foot. Speculation is that Justin is not really injured, or hes faking, or exageratting, or something. Anyway, it is all a bunch of incredibly boring drama thats just not even worth discussing. Kasey got a dumb tattoo. He lied to the guys and didnt tell Ali about the Tattoo either. He just wants to guard and protect her heart.


COCKTAIL PARTY:

This is where the lameass men get one last chance to talk to Ali before the Rose Ceremony. At this particular party; more weirdness occured. First; Weatherman decides to randomly pull out a guitar and also serenade Ali like Kasey did earlier. This resulted in the same awkwardness that Kasey experienced. Weatherman made yet another weather-related pun into the camera, and looked like he might cry again. I dont remember anything else that happened at the cocktail party, because Im tired and these people bore me.


ROSE CEREMONY:

Everytime they show the men during the rose ceremony, there are always one or two guys in that bunch who I SWEAR I have NEVER seen before. I think theres one dude named Chris N. or some shit, and so far, hes like an extra on the show. WHats his purpose? Theres a few others like that too. They havent had ANY dates with Ali yet, but they are still there. They never show them on camera. The whole thing is so strange.

Ali holds her dumb roses with two hands, and asks the men over and over, "Will you accept this rose?" They each have an incredibly cheesy response; and Kasey reminds Ali that he will guard and protect her heart. Im really happy he said that, because I wasnt sure. He really needs to repeat that a few more times in order for me to truly grasp it. Freak.

Jesse and Weatherman went home. Jesse seemed like a perfectly nice guy. Lord knows why the hell she would send him home over Kasey, but whatever. As for Weatherman; the forecast looks lonely.