Tuesday, July 27, 2010

BACHELORETTE - The "My 3yr old cat Died This week, so Who Cares about These Idiots?" Review

Our cat Ginger died on Tuesday night. She threw a blood clot, her little legs went out, and we rushed her to the ER. Two hours later she was gone. Born with a bad heart, went into heart failure. She was only 3 yrs old. What does this have to do with The Bachelorette? Well, nothing really ... and everything. Life isnt fair. Ginger only got 3years and she was the sweetest little thing Ive ever known. So when I finally got around to watching my DVRed episode of The Bachelorette tonight, I found myself getting pretty angry at these morons, at the producers, at Ali, at everyone for their dumb behavior and for the mere existence of this mess of a show! This is quite possibly the stupidest show on television, and yet something about it makes me want to follow these asshats along on their phony journey, just to see the massive trainwreck that will eventually occur. Sure, its probably a pre-meditated trainwreck and yes, most likely 94% of every "moment" that happens on this show is forced, manipulated, or just a downright lie; but its kind of fun knowing that ahead of time. So this week I had a choice: dont write the blog at all, or write an incredibly angry, bitter blog about this retarded show. So I went with the former. Let the anger begin. Youve been warned.

The stupidity begins once again with Douchebag host Chris Harrison meeting with the men in the main room or whatever its called. And again, all the men look like shit in this meetup. Do they wake these losers up at 6am for these stupid information meetings or what? They always look like they JUST rolled out of bed in the midst of a hurricane. Holy crap put a comb through your hair, brush your teeth at least. I think Ole Googly Eyes (Frank) slept in his glasses, facedown, because they were all desheviled and crooked looking. Anyway, D-bag Harrison gave the men the first "datecard", which tells them who gets the one-on-one with Ali. Well big surprise ...... Roberto got it. I say big surprise because you can pretty much feel Ali's extreme wetness through the tv screen everytime she sees Roberto. Its like the woman has never been touched before (Like A Virgin.... touched for the very first time....) Relax Ali.


Roberto and the others are all standing outside Testosterone Castle -shirtless, for absolutely no reason - when Ali pulls up and giggles incessantly. Listen Ali; I started out liking you; but its not going to last long if I have to hear your damn giggle too many more times. Every goddamn thing on earth is not funny. Stop with the giggling. You know whats not funny? Being a kitty cat who is only THREE and randomly dying. Thats not funny. So shut the hell up already with the laughing. Ali hugs Roberto and he asks her if she drove - she points to the sky and squeels "We arent going by road, we are goin by SKY!" or some dumb shit, and all the shirtless guys with beers make chorus sounds of jealousy which sounds like this: "Dudddeee!!! Oh MAN!!! Plane! Thats a helicopter man! Oooohhhh... Damn... Wow!" etc etc.

So Ali and Roberto take off for their date in a helicopter, where we are reminded ONCE AGAIN that Ali is "terrified!!!!!!!!" of flying. Shes so damn terrified that this is I think the third time now since Jakes Bachelor season, that shes been up in a freakin plane. We get it. You dont like to fly. So why the hell are you setting up dates in the goddamn sky, you idiot? And if you say some crap about how good it is to conquer your fears, Im throwing you out of the plane myself. Ali uses the helicopter ride to grab onto Roberto for dear life. She tells the camera that he is "so manly and protective and could be the one for me!" Yeah, the one for your vagina maybe. Since thats all you seem to be thinking with. How many times now has she informed us how handsome and cute and sexy Roberto is? The answer is a LOT of times. And in Mondays episode, she repeated it more times. She also touched the bottom of all her dresses over and over, played with her own hair, giggled, and did about 25 other annoying things in this episode.

So, the helicopter lands on top of a building, and you guessed it - this is one of those "lets have a crazy highrisk adventure together so we can have forced chemistry during a death-defying stunt " moments. Ali and Roberto are going to have dinner, on top of the building next door. To get there, they have to walk a tightrope type deal ,or some sort of crazyass circus act wire ... when they do this, they share a dumb kiss and Ali giggles while kissing. Later on, they eat dinner and then cuddle and laugh some more. The date is a success of course, and Ali gives Roberto and his penis the Rose; making him safe for another week.

Meanwhile at Testosterone Castle, the men are still all shirtless, holding beers, and making burgers on the grill. They argue and gossip like old ladies about whats happening on the date right now, whether or not Roberto will get the rose, whose turn is it to buy tampons for the house this week. Ladies, ladies... please.


Every week there are usually two one-on-one dates, and one group date with Ali. The group dates are like one big ole orgy; where everyone is literally fighting for Alis attention, and where Ali looks like a total whore for going on a date with about 8 men at once. Good times. This group date took place in the middle of an ugly street, where Ali led the curious men (and by curious, I mean borderline gay - cmon! they spend 85% of their time locked in a mansion with loads of other men; half nude and drinking alcohol. I think theres more gay action going on on this show than anything else if you ask me.) to a deserted stage. And there .... on that stage.... can you handle the suspense??? ... was ... BARENAKED LADIES!!!!


Yes. I know. I shared the same excitment level. BNL break into a song and Ali dances along and goes "Wooohooooo!!! " and generally looks like an idiot. The men all stand there and some of them dance too. Then Ali announces a "huuuuge surprise" (she always has a huuuge surprise for the guys) that her and ALL THE MEN are going to be IN the BNL video!!! Again .... crickets.

So, apparently this video is a porn, because all they did was makeout, kiss, give massages, get into hot tubs, beds, yadda yadda yadda. And Ali had NO problem with this whatsoever. This girl is really whoring it up and enjoying herself. Each dork guy was handed a short scene that he would do with Ali, and then they started filming them one by one. A few highlights from the video shoot:

--Weird Weatherman notices in his scene with Ali that there is a kiss, so he starts sweating like a closeted-homosexual who has never kissed a girl before, and he goes over and awkwardly whispers to Ali that if she feels awkward doing the kissing scene, they dont have to do it. Ali, being not the brightest bulb in the box, doesnt catch on that the dude is super nervous and about to faint, and just says in her bubbly voice "Awww! No its fine! Lets do it! Yay!" or something. Weatherman pours beads of sweat, and in the background all the men are mocking him and laughing at him. They do the scene and he hugs Ali instead of kissing her. He gets mocked some more by the men. His reaction to this is to START CRYING!!!! Yes, Weatherman sheds actual tears because hes being made fun of and told not to play in the Reindeer Games. WHAT A LOSER! You know whatll make you really cry? Watching your 3yr old innocent cat get put to sleep because she cant breathe, because her heart is so large that its sitting on top of her tiny lungs and crushing them! THATLL MAKE YOU CRY, you goddamn pussy! MAN UP!!! holy shit, what are you, 12?
Okay, Im calm. So, Ali hugs him like hes a small child, and they begin the scene again, but this time Ali takes control and she plants a nice lipkiss on the dork. He looks at her the same way Marcia Brady looked at Davey Jones on the episode of the Brady Bunch where he kissed her cheek and she said "Ill never wash this cheek again!" I mean seriously, is this Weatherman guy for real? Is he really this inexperienced, shy, and dorky? And if so, where is he a Waetherman and arent they all going to completely make fun of him when he finally goes back to work? Is he going to start bawling in the newsroom too? Hes making a damn fool of himself on this show so far. 14year olds have more confidence and aura than he does. Asshat.

--The other scene that was interesting on the total other end of the spectrum was the one between Ali and Kirk. Their scene in the video consisted of her wearing a sexy nightie, and then him getting into bed shirtless, and they just randomly start making out. Well, the director yelled CUT, and those two pornstars just kept going, and going, and going, and going ... You have all these other men there WATCHING, and you just decide to publically roll around in bed together for what seemed like an eternity? ICK. Very classy. They were pawing at each other like rabbits, and it just didnt end. I mean really guys, Get a room and go screw already. Now youre just being rude.

There were lots of other men on this groupdate as well, but I couldnt remember most of their names if you paid me. Well, okay, maybe if you paid me, but it would still be difficult. Especially since this show always likes to have a cast of douches who all share the same damn name. Theres always two Chris's, two Mikes, two Curtis's ...and then when The Bachelorette talks about them to the camera she says "When Chris L. kisses me it is amazing, I am falling for Chris L." which sounds incredibly silly to say youre falling for someone, and then refer to them by saying the first initial of their last name. SILLY.

So anyway, Ali and the boys continue the date with a "wrap party" after shooting the video. During this, Weatherman takes her aside and creepily awkwardly says "So ummm.... Wanna go and share our first REAL kiss together?" She just looks at him and says nothing. Fail.

Seconds later, she is headed into the pool with Kirk, and once again they are making out. The old ladies --oh sorry --- MEN - dont like this, so they all cannonball the pool and join the two lovers. Then Ali and her manwhores all watch the porn Barenaked Ladies Video that they apparently just made hours ago. Thats some high quality stuff right there. Im sure a top notch guy edited that thing.

(I just have to interupt myself here to say that Im SO BORED by all this non-drama drama. NONE of this means ANYTHING, and yet its all presented like end of the world type stuff. You know whats end of the world stuff? When your precious kitty is lost and confused and walking around the house searching for her now dead sister because she cant figure out why shes gone suddenly. THATS drama! But on this show, apparently the next thing that happens is the most dramatic thing ever....)

Sigh. Okay. So now the real drama. Justin; the Entertainment Wrestler on crutches for anyone following along; decides that his bum leg is giving him a bum deal on time with Ali, so he sneaks out of Testosterone Castle and WALKS a good 3 miles or so to Alis house. On his crutches. When he gets there, she is so touched by this, that she spends time with him talking, looking through photo albums that he brought over, and cuddling. And giggling of course. Always with the giggling. Eventually, Ali drives Justin back to the house, and then a bit later, her and Hunter have a one-on-one date. During his one-on-one date, they have the most awkward "sitting in the pool" chemistry ever captured on this series. Its hilarious. He kisses her shoulder and you just start cringing because its so lame and forced. There is NO attraction there. Ali is soooo uninterested.So, she does not give Hunter the rose and sends him home.

This somehow turns into "Hunter didnt get enough time on his one-on-one with Ali, thats why he went home!"and "did Justin really walk over there to Alis house? Thats a betrayal of us! He is so two-faced! How dare he do such a thing?" Yes, Justin is kind of a tool. He was gloating about his time with Ali, sort of shoving it in their faces in an indirect and obnoxious way. BUT, Hunter went home because him and Ali had the chemistry of a brick wall. Thats IT. And seriously, if ONE more person on this series says "I dont think hes here for the right reasons" about ANY of the people there, Im going to scream. Every single season on this show, there is always someone who everyone in the house wonders if they are there "for the right reasons." Cant we AT LEAST get a NEW kind of villian? This "right reasons" crap is getting very old. So they all hate Justin, they confront him outside like little girls, call him twofaced, and make it clear that they are not his friends. Kermit the Frog Guy says some things that I cant understand, and closet gay dude John C. says some other things I cant comprehend, and everyone else joins in to say We hate you Justin, you suck. Justin is then shown in silouhette sitting outside crying. What kind of men are these? Youre crying? Over that? Gimme a break please.

A couple other small highlights during the cocktail party:

Ali and Chris L. from Cape Cod get some alone time when she pulls him aside for a bit. He uses this time to tell her that he took 2nd place in a "flip cup tournament" to which she responds "I LOVE flip cup!" He then tells the camera that Ali "totally gets me." Right. Flip cup partners for life. Deep stuff. I do like him though, he seems pretty normal.

Steve set up a lame picnic using a blanket, two votive candles, and a bottle of champagne that took him about eight months to open. After puting on his all important Chapstick, he surprised Ali with his dumb litlte makeshift picnic. I think it lasted about 5minutes, and 4 minutes of that was him trying to open the bottle. They also had no chemistry.

Harrison announces its now time for the Rose Ceremony, and Ali comes out in what looks like a freakin High School Semi Formal dress. What the hell are you wearing woman? (or was that at the cocktail party? I seriously cant remember, as if it matters.) Also, the way that Ali holds the roses drives me nuts. Is anyone else noticing this? She holds them at the very bottom wth two hands, like it takes two hands to hold a freakin rose. I have no idea why this bothers me. Also, she STILL hasnt combed her hair.

The overdramatic rose ceremony took place, and Ali decided to hold onto the Weatherman, as well as Kirk and many others. And of course, she kept Justin, and thanked him for "showing that you would do anything for this rose." BARF!

So, closeted gay dude John C. and dorky picnic guy Steve went home.

I seriously cant type one more second about this motherf**ng show right now. My cat died and I just dont care about Ali and her man posse right now. Or ever really.

But Ill be back. Sigh.

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