Saturday, June 5, 2010

Im Going to Start Exercising so I NEVER Have to Watch a "Sex And the City" movie Again!!!

The other day; I was at my gym; doing my regular swimming routine in the pool. This routine consists of many different exercises in the water; using weights, the ladder steps, and my own body. It also involves jogging, walking, and some light swimming. I was in the middle of one of my swimming laps, when suddenly, out of the corner of my eye; I noticed an older man (probably in his 60s) who was in a wheelchair. He pulled his chair over to the edge of the pool, somehow plopped himself out of the chair and into the water; and very quickly began to swim circles around me. The man who was IN A WHEELCHAIR who has to pull his own dead leg-weight while he swims, was lapping me. And it wasnt even close. He was kicking my very fat ass. This got me to thinking ....

You would think that something like that would be an inspirational moment for me; that it would help to motivate me; right? A normal person would see that moment as a turning point and say "Wow if that guy can find the motivation, than I have no excuse!" But I am not normal. I started thinking about all the many, many excuses I come up with in my head to NOT go to the gym. I realized it is quite the impressive list of excuses. These are NOT embellished, and I HAVE used every single one of these reasons, at least in my brain, as a reason to NOT go to the gym. I dont always share them out loud because they are embarassing reasons. In no particular order; here are some of the many reasons I tell myself I cant possibly go to the gym today:

1. It's too hot outside, I dont feel like getting in the car in the heat,etc.

2. It's too cold outside, I dont feel like getting in the car in the cold, etc.

3. It's raining. Im not going out in the rain. I might die.

4. It's snowing. Again, I could die.

5. It's too nice outside. Who wants to be inside of a gym when its this nice out?

6. Theres not enough gas in the car to get there. Guess I cant go.

7. My bathing suit is still wet from last time I went.

8. There arent any clean towels. Looks like Im staying home.

9. It's a weekend day. It's going to be SO PACKED! Screw it.

10. I cant remember my locker combination.

11. I JUST went to the gym five days ago! Who am I, Jillian Michaels?

12. Its already 5pm. By the time I eat dinner, change into gym clothes, get the gym bag all packed, yadda yadda yadda ...itll be August. They close at 10pm, I have NO TIME!!!

13. I cant find my gym pants.

14. My gym pants have cat hair on them.

15. Where are my sneakers? Oh Ill never locate them in this mansion of an apartment. Forget it. Not going.

16. (to my husband) Well you need the car in 4 hours right? Ill never make it back in time.

17. I think the pool is closed today. (I have actually said this one out loud and it was a total lie. Once in awhile its true, but usually its a lie.)

18. Where the hell are those gym pants?

19. Oh, well, so and so called and I got to talking, and now I lost track of time and cant go. Oops.

20. Im already comfortable and IN for the night.

Yeah. As you can see, a simple change in the wind will cause my motivatation for exercise to disappear. There have been a thousand things that SHOULD HAVE motivated me to work out and get on track. But they dont. Something happens inside my brain and it instead becomes more important that I order french fries and chicken cutlet sandwich before the takeout place closes, or that I make sure there is soda in the house because I cant just drink water all night long. Its an addiction. I honestly THINK about food, about what Im going to eat, and I get happy and excited for it. Oprah would tell you that its NOT about the food, that its something deeper. That Im missing love in my life or something. But I dont think so. I think its about the food. I think that I love the way really good food tastes, and that, much like an alcoholic or a smoker, its very difficult for me to stop those cravings. Bottom line is that I just would MUCH rather have a steak and mashed potatoes than a boring salad and yogurt. And whenever there is a get together with friends or some sort of event where we are all gathering at a pub or bar, I dont CARE about the drinking. No. Im thinking "I hope they have potato skins there." And thats the truth. For some reason, its just way more acceptable to be someone who goes out and gets trashed on alcohol for fun; than to be someone who has trouble controlling what they eat. I dont think thats very fair, but thats another topic for another day.

I have struggled with my weight most of my life. As a kid and teenager, I didnt really have weight issues, and was at a pretty normal weight. I was also really active and involved in a lot of physical stuff back then. Now, Im involved in a lot of standing in place activities. I teach acting and comedy - I walk around a bit, or I sit and watch my students act. I am a standup comedian. I stand in place, and tell jokes. Doesnt exactly involve a lot of exercise. I do walk a lot, in NYC. I love to walk. But, I love to eat more than I love to walk. So theres that.

For the past few years, Ive been part of an online Message Board Community where we hold our own version of the Biggest Loser contests. Its a lot of fun and it actually does help to motivate you, because you dont want to let your teammates down, or not do something you said you would do. Recently, I lost a significant amount of weight, maybe around 25-30 pounds, and then managed to somehow regain most of it back again over a few months time. I wont get into all the many reasons why this happened; because they are just more excuses; but lets just say it involves my personal trainer quitting, a strange rash developing on my body that kept me from using the pool for awhile, and a lot of laziness over a short period of time. I could kill myself right now, Im so angry that I worked so hard and then screwed it all up again. Im pissed off. BUT, I have to let that go and just start over, because if I dont, I will never succeed. If I constantly hate myself for failing, than soon my Size 18 will become a Size 20 and then a 22, 24, 26, and then Size Precious (based on the novel PUSH by Sapphire.) And hey, theres nothing wrong with being Precious (based on the novel PUSH by Sapphire) if youre truly HAPPY being Precious (based on the novel PUSH by Sapphire.) She seems to be happy being that size, so good for her. I am not happy. I feel unhealthy. I feel old. I feel unattractive. I dont feel like myself. I mock myself because thats who I am, and I will always do that. Im a comedian, so I make fun of being fat. But I dont WANT to be the comic who talks about being fat. I just want to be the comic who is funny. I have to figure out how to get better at being disciplined. Lately Ive started going back to the gym again, and trying NOT to make stupid excuses not to go. Ive also started taking walks at night on my street. Im eating better; really trying to buy at least %40 organic (its so damn expensive so I do what I can) and focus on more salads and fresh vegetables. Im trying, and thats all I can do.

Recently, one of the women on the Message Boards gave me a challenge in order to help motivate me. She said that if I didnt reach my goal weight and points for the last round of Biggest Loser, that as my punishment, I would have to go to the movies, watch Sex and the City 2, and write up a review on it. This woman knows how much I loathe that show and the movies; and so she figured this would be perfect motivation for me. Well, I failed to meet my goals, so now I am forced to go watch this horrific movie and write up a review. That review will be my next blog, as I will probably see this trainwreck of a film sometime tomorrow morning. So you know what THAT means ..... I guess I wont have time to go to the gym.

Share your weight struggles with me! Id love to hear them.


  1. OH NO!! Kelley, I am so sorry you have to watch that horrific movie!! (However, I can't wait to read your funny review because I HATE that stupid series, as well). Anyway, I can completely relate. I don't have anything funny or witty to say, except that I totally get it. It's that cliche idea that the things that are good for you are way less fun. Since I'm a vegan and I no longer smoke and don't really drink (for no real reason) sometimes I let loose and rebel against all of it. Then I don't crave it anymore. But that didn't used to work, we used to stretch a day of junk food and vices into a week and then that week into two and then half or more than half our lives would be junk food and vices. While trying and then trying again is really exhausting, I think it's the only way to get there - as you said, if you don't look forward you won't succeed. Us either. :)

    Also- I love it- Precious (based on the novel PUSH by Saphire) is a clothing size!

  2. Precious (based on the novel PUSH by Sapphire) SHOULD be a clothing size. That would be genius! "Do you have that top in Precious?" (based on the novel PUSH by sapphire)