Wednesday, June 2, 2010

THE BACHELORETTE Review "Everything Is Amaaazing!"

Holy Crap. There's 2 hours of my life I will never get back.

Talk about painful. I think I had a root canal once that was more pleasurable than watching this ridiculous trainwreck of a show. Yet, we begin ...

For those of you who have followed my AMERICAN IDOL reviews, I thank you, and I hope you will continue to read my reviews of The Bachelorette. If you are new to my reviews - Welcome - please sit back and enjoy your stay. There is a lot of bullshit to cover here.

Since we are starting with episode two of Season 6 of The Bachelorette, let me catch everyone up on the show with a little bit of history. The Bachelor / Bachelorette is a horrific, dumbass, lets all beleive in fairytales that are pre-scripted and manipulated by producers TV reality show; where one man or woman tries to find his or her true love i.e. husband / wife from a group of 25 pre-chosen borderline insane desperate morons. The 25 morons are all forced to live in a mansion together as they fight for time with the one Bachelor/Bachelorette. In the meantime, the "contestants" do not watch any TV, see no movies, read no newspapers, and are only alloted phonecalls to immediate family with permission from the producers. So, in essence, they are completely cut off from the outside world. You know - REALITY. At the same time, they do nothing but lay by the pool half naked, travel to tropical islands to go on "dates", and drink massive amounts of alcohol all day long and all night, over and over and over again. This creates a lot of unnecessary drama, fist fights, crying, backstabbing, and of course ... sexual frustration acted out in hottubs and "fantasy suites" on camera. Once these idiots get off the show and into the real world, most of the relationships usually end up falling apart in due time. There have been a few successful relationships from this shows franchise, and even one lasting marriage with children ... but generally, its become a joke how soon after the "proposal" the couple breaks it off.

Now heres what you need to know about our Bachelorette: Ali Fedotowky. Ali is from Massachusetts, likes baseball, fishing, and shes kind of a tomboy. She has issues with brushing her hair; as in; she rarely ever DOES; and sometimes she wears awful hair extensions or throws her hair up in the worst, most unkept ponytail imagineable. Ali wears yellow. All the f'ing time. She loves yellow and tells the audience this ... all the f'ing time. Sometimes she looks like Big Bird in her yellow outfits. Ali giggles a lot - at absolutely nothing. Once you start to notice this, it will drive you slowly insane. She laughs CONSTANTLY, at everything and at nothing. I guess its a nervous thing, but its incredibly annoying. Ali thinks that everything and everyone is absolutely "amazing." This is her response to everything. "Oh My god thats amazing," "Youre amazing " "Wow this view is amazing." Shes not the only one though. The men all seem to love this word too. "She looks amazing!" "I just think youre amazing!" Im going to start playing a drinking game where everytime someone uses the word amazing, I take a sip of my coffee. Yes, coffee. Seriously, I cant keep up with these lushes. Just WATCHING how much they drink makes me want to go to an AA meeting.

One last thing about Ali; she became the Bachelorette because on last seasons The Bachelor, she was falling for Jake and him for her; when suddenly she had to make a heartwrenching decision between Jake and her JOB. (which, ironically, was working for FACEBOOK!) She chose her job, and after telling Jake and then sitting in a long hallway bawling her eyes out about it, promptly left the show. America of course fell in love with her, and the show announced her as the new Bachelorette. She announced on the first episode that she will not let work get in the way of love ever again, so she quit her job for the show. GREAT. Thats intelligent. Unemployed chicks are a real turn-on.

And so here we are ....

This episode begins with douchebag Chris Harrison; who is a LOT like douchebag Ryan Seacrest by the way; summoning all the "men" into the general living area to drink orange juice and discuss the upcoming weeks dates with Ali. The men all look like utter shit during this meeting; like its 10am and they are already half cocked. Either that, or they never went to sleep.

The men are given a "datecard" that states the first one-on-one date with Ali will go to FRANK. After hearing this, the remaining men whine, drink some more beers, and head down to the gigantic pool to sit around shirtless for a few hours together.

ALI AND FRANKS DATE: Frank; or "Ole Googly Eyes" as I like to call him; and Ali, start heading out in an old convertible that apparently doesnt run very well, because minutes into their trip to Hollywood, the piece of crap dies right on the freeway. Yeah right. Like the show cant afford a car that isnt going to break down? Ali's reaction to the car dying is to giggle, while Franks reaction is ... well... nothing. He just sits there. Suddenly, they are holding hands and running from the car and down the highway to flag down a taxi. Uh - huh. This is another fantasy. I dont beleive for one second that those two wacky kids walked down the LA Freeways with thousands of cars whizzing by, without getting killed. Please. Im sure they were picked up by one of the shows limos and taken to a "cab" where they could then continue with their giggling date. Frank and Ali walked along Hollywood Blvd, and then sat underneath the Hollywood sign and giggled and kissed. Then they had a deep conversation about how BRAVE they both are for being unemployed and directionless. More giggling. The word "amazing" was used a lot. After sitting under the sign, the two crazy kids then sat on top of the car (which miraculously was fixed) where they giggled, kissed, and talked. Ali gave Frank the rose, which means he gets to stay another week and fall deeply in love with her, only so she can dump his ass after he proposes. SUCCESS!

Meanwhile, at Testosterone-Drunk-Castle; the men are chugging down beers and getting all over Justin because hes an entertainment wrestler. I dont see what the big deal is about that, who gives a crap? But as usual, this show chooses to specifically not show us certain things when it comes to WHY everyone in the house always hates one guy. This time it seems to be Justin they all despise, and I guess time will tell what the damn reason is.

Next: Ali the Whore went on a GROUP DATE with 12 guys. You heard me. TWELVE guys. Among those on the group date were Craig M, Chris N, Tyler V, Hunter, Steve ... and... oh who gives a shit? At this point, there are still 17 men hangin all over this girl, and they all look and act the same to me.

The group date consisted of going to Malibu and doing a photo shoot on the beach. Ali and her posse of manwhores seemed to walk about 2miles along the beach to reach their destination; and poor Justin; who is on crutches due to an injury; was trying really hard to keep up. Ali kept saying "How ya doin baack there Justin?" and then just leaving him behind like trash. What a bitch. Help the dude out. Or, heres a better idea: dont make the dude who is on CRUTCHES and cant walk , walk miles in the f'ing sand! Why not give him one of the one-on-one dates and take the guy to a movie and a nice dinner? Sigh. Ali then made a point of telling the guys that this photo shoot was "for a great cause;" but we never did find out what the great cause was. Just know its a really good cause. The men had to put on the most ridiculous looking bathing suits, speedos, and outfits Ive ever seen, and pose for what was perhaps the gayest photo shoot in the history of photo shoots. Not only were they dressed in these hideous speedos, but they were making comments to each other like "Dude, theres a lot of extra room in that speedo, dude!" Um, really? Are you here to find a wife or to look at some guys package on a beach? These idiotic photos were turned into some sort of SexyMan Calendar ... for a "good cause."

Holy Hell, are we done with this yet? I cannot believe how long this episode was, and also cannot believe that ALL the Bachelorette episodes are two hours. The nerve of these people!!! The only good news is that each week, there will be less and less annoying manwhores to write about. Whew! Im exhausted and feel like Ive lost a couple million brain cells watching this crap.

But I digress....

Let me summarize the next few things that happened, because they were kind of a snoozefest:

Some loser named TY strummed a guitar and sang a stupid song to Ali on the beach. She swooned, called him amazing. Then "The Weatherman" i.e. Jonathan, got a few minutes alone with Ali; and he used that time to say the following: "I look at you sometimes and Im like ....oooh....woooh...whoah!.... not even .... I mean ..... that just doesnt .....happen to me......." Right. Way to use your time dork.
Back at the Drunk Castle filled with Boys in mens bodies; Craig M. drank beer while putting on The Weathermans jacket and modeling it. This infuriated The Weatherman for some reason, who whined, "Thats my jacket, take off my jacket!!!" The Weatherman also made it a point to tell the camera and tv audience many many times that he "doesnt wanna fight" but that he "knows karate" but "really doesnt want to fight." Craig M. continued to rile him up by calling him "Weatherman." Seriously -- are these men for real? I mean --- REALLY???

Some boring ass named Jesse got the second one-on-one date with Ali, and again, the other men whined and complained, then went off to drink more alcohol and lie around shirtless.

JESSE AND ALI'S DATE: Ali takes Jesse on a private jet ride to Vegas. He is "stoked" and says so several times; she thinks he is "super good looking" and says so several times. Clearly their relationship is deep. When the jet lands, there is a Red Ferrari waiting for them. Oh good, another car that might breakdown. This one seems to run okay, and they take off in it to go and sit by a pool and eat oysters. Ali tells the tv audience again that Jesse is super hot and good looking. Later on, the two brainless twits have dinner in some sort of suite private restaurant with the best view of Vegas ever. At dinner, Ali tells brainless that he is a "solid guy" and gives him the rose. Wow a solid guy. Thats love. In return, brainless tells the studio audience how hes never put on a suit before (really?), and that this is the BEST date hes ever had. Is it? Because you look about as excited as a stonewall. Ali informs brainless that she feels "closer to him than ever before." Um, WHY? You talked about NOTHING!!! I havent seen dinner conversation that awkward since Hitler broke bread with the Steinways. Then, to end the magical evening, some musician named James Cullum, who apparently we are supposed to know or give a shit about, performed live for them as they danced in the moonlight. YAWN.

Then it was time for the weekly "Cocktail Hour" - which is basically just MORE drinking, and a chance for the Bachelorette to talk one on one with any guys she is still unsure about, or guys she didnt get a chance to spend time with on dates. During this time; Ali first spoke with Chris L. from Cape Cod. He seems pretty normal to me, and like a pretty decent guy. Next: Ali and Roberto played a game of catch and talked a bit of baseball, and then she told him yet again how SUPER GOOD LOOKING he is. Then she giggled. After that, Ali and Casey talked about something; except I had no clue what it was because I couldnt stop laughing at Caseys Kermit the Frog voice. WHAT THE F**K? Finally; Ali and Frank shared another kiss after missing one another, and the other boys got all jealous and perterbed.

Then this whole dumb thing happened that was extremly high-school and just STUPID; where The Weatherman told Ali in private that he didnt trust Craig M, and that Craig M is "dangerous." Then Ali talked with Craig herself, and asked him a bunch of questions that were apparently too difficult for him to reply to, because he just mumbled things that were supposed to be words but made no sense. Then Craig called a meeting in the Drunk Castle. He wanted to know who told Ali that he was dangerous. Noone budged, but all knew the Weatherman was the culprit. I dont know. To me, they are both losers. Craig is an a-hole, and Weatherman is just a big ole dork. They both suck.

FINALLY, it was time for the Rose Ceremony, where Ali had to choose 2 men to go home.

She chose Tyler V. (I already forgot who he is) and Craig the Ass.

I really hope this gets better. The emotional trainwreck possibilities are simply endless, but right now theres just too many damn annoying men to keep track of.

Your thoughts?

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