Kate Gosselin. Octo-Mom. The Real Housewives of Whatever Random-Ass State. Paris Hilton. Kim Kardashian. Snooki. Heidi Montag. Nicole Richie. And on and on and on and on ...
What do these names have in common? They are all famous for doing absolutely nothing. I call them "Pointless Celebrities." They are literally pointless. And famous. And thats just one category of the famous for no reason. In addition to being famous for doing absolutely nothing (Paris Hilton), there is also the following:
1. Famous for making a sex-tape of yourself
2. Famous for being a complete moron or idiot
3. Famous for having a lot of kids that you can't afford, OR for generally living an irresponsible life and being rewarded for it with some retarded reality-show
4. Famous for being an addict(and then getting PAID to go on a TV show and go to "rehab" in front of the entire country)
And this list is just the tip of the iceberg. There are hundreds more of these types of leeches who appear all over my television, on magazine covers, in newspapers, online, and just about everywhere else you turn in life; there they are again. They mock me with their millions of dollars and their overdone plastic surgeries and their tiny "dogpurses" that they call pets and their umpteenth stint at "rehab". These people are famous, and they don't deserve to be. They have done nothing to warrant such fame and exposure, and they live their lives inside of a bubble. A bubble created by America.
Why do I care? I care because I'm sick and tired of it. I care because I am disgusted and angered by the amount of attention that people like this are getting; and by the fast-pace at which people like this are outnumbering people like me. I care because I am annoyed and pissed off that people continue to support and watch this kind of garbage. Because for every new piece of crap like "Jersey Shore", a great and underrated show like "Men of a Certain Age" will be taken off the air because nobody is watching it. For every pointless Kim Kardashian who makes a sex-tape and gets famous for it, another female continues to struggle, work really hard, and feel bad about herself for NO REASON. And for every show like "16 and Pregnant",(just to name one of many shows that exist under the guise of being "helpful" but really are exploitation and glorification of something that should not be used as entertainment) another kid is sitting at home realizing they don't need to go to college to be somebody. And hey, it's okay if you get pregnant and you're only in junior high. This girl on MTV pulled through, and man is she cool. Everything will be fine. All these kids need to do is take a look at the thousands of idiots on TV in front of them. Why bother educating yourself or working for a living, when you can just do something moronic and get rewarded for it? Why work your ass off for years on end, only to see somebody who has done NOTHING go on to be successful? Why be a responsible, commited adult; when you can act like a complete asshole, get in fights, get drunk off your ass, and get your own TV show? It doesn't exactly inspire a thirst for work ethic, now does it? Actually, it takes the old saying about "working hard to get what you want" and laughs in it's ancient face.
I don't know what makes me more angry; the fact that this crap is taking over the airwaves and society; or the fact that we are allowing it to take over. Yes, you can blame the Networks and producers for creating it and putting it on TV - but the fact remains that it wouldn't BE there or STAY there if so many people didn't watch it. Personally, I refuse to support any of these people or their projects. I just won't do it. And when I go onto Facebook on a Wednesday night and literally EVERY other status update is commenting on the "Jersey Shore" premiere, I get upset. It upsets me that THIS is the crap people like to see on television. Really? Why? It baffles me why you would want to watch these pointless douchebags beating each other up, drinking their heads off, and generally acting like morons. And then people say they only watch it to "make fun of it - I'm laughing at them." Right. And they are laughing at all of US while they sit home counting their millions and buying that third summer home. Gee, you really told THEM now, didn't you? It's sickening.
Even more sickening than the people who are famous for acting like idiots, are the ones who are famous for having a billion kids. Kate Gosselin. Octo-Mom. The Duggards. These people make me ill. With Kate Gosselin, first of all, who CARES about you and your stupid kids? I don't. Couldn't care less. It bores me to death. But more importantly, stop acting like a victim with the poor me crap all the time. "Waaah, there's cameras in my face, leave me alone" - then five minutes later creating a SECOND reality show because your "kids" would be heartbroken without the cameras. Yeah. Okay. I think YOU would be heartbroken to no longer be getting undeserved attention. As far as The Octo-mom, this woman just needs to go away and stop having goddamn kids. She is literally famous because she has a lot of kids and doesn't seem stable in ANY way, shape or form to support or properly care for them. So what does America do? We glorify that. We give her a reality show, we put her on Dr. Phil and GIVE HER FREE SHIT. "It's for the children" - people say. Bullshit. Dr. Phil is in this for the ratings, and he LOVES it when the latest dumbass with no responsibility for their own actions comes along so he can get the first interview. None of this is for those children. It's all selfish. If that woman had a brain in her head, she wouldn't HAVE children that she can't afford to take care of. She would actually THINK before having all these kids. Guess what? I am 39 yrs. old, married, and struggling financially. Would I like to have children? Yes, I would. Will we have them? Probably not. Maybe not ever. You know why? Because we cannot afford kids. We barely make enough money to support ourselves, and to me, bringing a child into that environment purposely is irresponsible and selfish. I just don't feel comfortable doing it. It's called SACRIFICING and living a RESPONSIBLE LIFE. You have to make choices, and usually, you just can't have everything you want simply because you want it. I realize these things ahead of time, and make my choices accordingly. Where the hell's MY reality show?
Paris Hilton is another one. Here is a girl who literally does nothing. What does she do? She goes to parties and poses. She is a "socialite." That's pretty much it. She is famous because she exists, because of her name. Did she earn ANY part of that fame? No. And not only that, but then she gets to play off of that fame with MORE fame, just because she feels like it. Perfume lines, reality shows, whatever she wants. Great. I wish I could say "Gee I'm bored, I think I'll start my own fingernail polish line." That might be fun.
Then we have all the addicts. These are the has-beens who have lost their fame long ago, and are trying to get it back by appearing on these shows such as "Celebrity Rehab." They go on TV and supposedly get clean, go through rehab. And by the way, they are getting PAID money to appear on these shows. Quite a bit of money. Here's my problem with this: if someone offered to pay ME $20k to lose 80pounds, you better believe I could drop that weight fast. But I would only put it back on again. These people are not doing this for the right reasons. They are doing it for more fame, exposure, and money. They are not ready. And this is my issue with this homeless man Ted Williams. While I think it's wonderful that he seems to be getting the help he needs NOW, the fact remains that this man is not READY nor deserving of fame. Why do you think he was homeless in the first place? Because of drugs. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic. He was also a radio DJ. He already HAD his chance, and he blew it back then. Now - the right person comes along at the right second, puts him on youtube, and the man is suddenly an "inspirational story." I have nothing against thig guy, but I don't really find this story all that inspirational. In fact, I knew from the minute I saw his Don Cheadle mixed with Robert Downey Jr. in "Tropic Thunder" mug that his fame wouldn't last, and that he wasn't REALLY off the drugs or alcohol. This is a man who has NINE kids, an addiction, and a LOT of unresolved issues in his life. Yes, he has a perfect radio voice. But it takes more than that. What about all of us who aren't drug addicts? Where do we fit in?
I often joke that I will never make it in this business because I don't have a tragic, heartbreaking story. I wasn't molested at age 5. My parents loved me and I had an amazingly happy childhood. I have good memories and great friends. My husband is incredible. I don't do drugs, I don't smoke. Hell, I barely even drink. My greatest vice is too many cupcakes, and I've been working HARD to make it in this business since I moved to NY to attend college as a Theatre Major all those years ago. But that's a boring story. You're not going to see any sort of "Behind The Music" about THAT. Sometimes I think that instead of spending all my time working 3 part-time jobs, auditioning, and doing endless comedy club gigs for zero money; I should just STOP putting in so much effort. Reverse my goals. I'm not THAT far from 300pounds - why not just make THAT my goal? Maybe if Im MORE obese and more lazy, then people will start offering me reality shows. Maybe I should become a drug-addict, or an alcoholic. Really, I should stop concerning myself with feeding my future children and just HAVE EM ANYWAY! Hell, America will feed them for me. I need to have at LEAST a dozen or so to get noticed, so I had better start soon.
Am I angry and bitter? Sure. I should be. Let me tell you why. I am 39 yrs. old, and being a performer has been my dream since I was a little kid. Everything I have done in my life so far has been to work toward that dream. There have been a lot of things I have sacrificed to live this way; and every single day is a struggle. There have been too many days and months of living off Ramen Noodles; or turning down time at comedy clubs because I can't come up with the $2.50 bus money to get myself into the city. I work 3 part-time jobs on average. Sometimes more. My husband works as an EMT, and cannot get a second part-time job to save his life, because most companies are ageists and automatically hire the younger kids. We rent an apartment that is way too small, in the most expensive city on earth. We have a car that is 13 years old and runs on hope. Our idea of a vacation is going to my parents house for two days, because it doesn't cost us much. I do all of these things and live this way because there is still a tiny part of me that will never die, that truly believes that I will succeed oneday. There is a part of me that KNOWS I am talented, and that I am funny, and that I have something unique and different to offer the world. So we struggle with money, and we struggle to just BE what we want to be and do what we want to do with our lives. And here's the thing: we ALREADY have to deal with people who "make it" simply because they were born into famous families, and people who make it solely because of their model Hollywood looks. NOW you throw THIS crap on top of all of that, and it's no wonder I don't commit immediate murder whenever I come home from a long, uninspired day and see "The Situation" on my tv.
We glorify all of the wrong things in this country. We focus on all of the wrong people. We put all of the morons and idiots front and center on our TV screens and in our magazines. Our idea of what makes a "celebrity" is really sad sometimes. I don't understand why people like this sort of stuff. Why anyone wants to watch a bunch of rich, fake women gossip and act like adult children on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta", or see who wants to be "friends" with Paris Hilton on "Paris Hilton's BFF" is beyond me. I will never understand this. And I am sorry if you think I am a bitch for not finding Ted Williams story inspirational. I have worked too damn hard to find something like that a "feel good story." You know what would be a feel-good story? A 39 yr. old woman who is a comedian and actor and has worked hard her entire LIFE to get somewhere with it, writes a blog about how all the wrong people are famous for no reason - and the right person reads it and SHE FINALLY GETS HER BIG BREAK!!! She gets a featured role on SNL, then "30 Rock", then her very own show where she can do all her characters and stand-up and all of the other things that have been sitting inside her head for years. She finally gets the fame that she DESERVES. And she DOESN'T end up on drugs or go to rehab because of it - she actually appreciates the fame and lives a wonderful life and uses the money to help her family and to rent her and her husband a decent place to live with central-air. THAT IS A FUCKING FEEL-GOOD STORY, DAMMIT!
But that will never sell to the networks.
Jesus Christ. Somebody please hire me already.
The End.
www.kelleylynncomedy.com
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
All I Wanted to Do Was Take a WALK!!! ... and other Weight-Loss Frustrations
It all started about a week ago when I suddenly realized that this year, in September, I will be 40 yrs. old. Actually, that's not true. It ALL started about my sophomore year in college, which is when "being fat" started to become an issue for me. At first, it was the "freshman 15"; except mine was more like the "freshman 30". After college, and over the next decade or so, I slowly and surely gained somewhere around 100 pounds. Then lost 70. Then gained 30. Lost 25. Gained 10. It was like a really bad, neverending card-game. And now here we are, in 2011, approaching my 40th birthday in September. And the idea of celebrating 40 while looking like the white version of "Precious" (based on the novel PUSH by Sapphire) scares the living shit out of me, if I'm being completely honest. And really, why the hell write any of this down if it's not completely honest, right? Right. Yes, I'm talking to myself. Shut up.
So because of all of this, somewhere around the beginning of January, a lightbulb went off in my head. (Not literally. That would hurt and I would probably die if there was an actual lightbulb inside my head. Don't be an idiot.) Oprah would call it an "A-Ha! Moment." But hey - that's why she has her own network and I have a rented apartment in Jersey. But I digress. My "A-Ha! Moment" happened, ironically, while watching a music video by the 1980's band A-Ha! No, it didn't really. But can you imagine? I'm not sure what you'd call that. An "A-ha Squared?" Who fuckin cares.
What I began to realize and fully understand during this "A-ha" moment, is that I am FAT. Yes, of course I already knew I was fat. I have known for years. Decades even. But this was different. Now, in this moment, I could FEEL all the terrible ways that my bad health was affecting my life. I started to actually feel that I could be, in fact, shortening my own life by being so careless about my health. Perhaps the idea of approaching 40 is what made me think this way; or perhaps I just had enough of my own annoying self getting in my own way. Whatever the case, I truly realized that I have NO OTHER CHOICE but to make some serious changes starting right now.
I came up with a plan of action and decided to post about it on Facebook in order to give myself some accountability. Well Holy Shit! You would think that I was OPRAH herself for all the many replies I recieved on that post. If all these same people that responded to my fat status message would only watch all my comedy videos and come to my shows - Hell, I'd be famous by now. If a known alcoholic posted: "Hey guys, Im considering giving up drinking, what do you all think?" and then received 67 responses of encouragement, ideas, suggestions; your first thought about that person would be "Damn, that guy's an alcoholic!", right? So, my Facebook status update 100% backed up my A-Ha moment realization of: "Holy Crap! All these people are coming out of the woodwork and replying! I must be REALLY FAT!"
My plan of action went into effect immediately. Everyone keeps telling me to take it slowly; dont do too much at once. But I suddenly feel like it is a huge emergency to get this going right this instant. So, to put it in basic terms, this is what my intentions are, at least to start:
1. Cut out all soda (Im a Diet Coke addict) and most sugar for two weeks just to get it out of my system and help the cravings go away; then slowly allow myself a very limited amount of soda after that - like once a week.
2. Portion control. (this is a big issue because I definately eat too much right now)
3. Switch from white to brown (whole grain/wheat breads, brown rice, wheat pasta,etc)
4. Get off my ass and MOVE. To start, Im alternating between a pool/swim routine at the gym that involves water weights, jogging, walking, etc ... and 2-3 mile walks here in my neighborhood. Some days Ill do both, but the goal is to always do one of these things.
On Monday; Day One of this awful new "no Joy" lifestyle; my husband and I went out for dinner with a gift-card we had. For the first time in probably FOREVER, I did not order soda at a restaurant. I got water. And no appetizer. We both ordered off the "Under 500 calorie" Menu. Mine was grilled shrimp with brown rice, almonds, and "mixed veggies." We both got the mixed veggies, which was a giant wad of disgusting broccoli. The only person who loathes broccoli more than I do is my husband, who only ordered that meal to help support me in my new eating habits. Sweet, but it won't last. The look on his face when glaring down a plate of broccoli told me that. I did not get dessert. I stared at the dessert menu for a good 10 minutes at least - longing for a piece of warm chocolate-chip pie. It is now Friday, and I still want that pie. Monday I discovered that going out to eat is BORING AS HELL when you can't eat whatever you want. How and why do people take part in this activity if they are eating broccoli and salad with the dressing on the side? It just is not enjoyable. All of the joy was taken away from the dining experience. When I go out to eat, I like to ... you know ... EAT!!! I can stay home and drink water. I would literally rather stay home if I have to restrict myself that much. Screw that. In the future, I will go out to eat way less often, and enjoy myself when I do.
Preparing for my first ever "exercise walk" was another story altogether. Jesus Christ, you would think I was prepping for a walk on the moon with all of the planning this stupid walk entailed. It started on Tuesday, when I attempted to go out and purchase items that I needed for my walk. I needed to buy new headphones for the iPod that have a special attachment thingy for my ears, because every pair my husband has immediately falls OUT of my ears 2 seconds after being put in. Apparently the inside of my ears are the only petite part of my entire body. My ear insides are so small, that they do not fit most iPod headphones. They pop out. Over and over again. This is incredibly annoying because stores do not have dressing rooms where you can go in and "try on" pairs of earphones to make sure they fit your ears. So you just have to guess. I have taken back several pairs in the past, and my husband now thinks Im some small-eared freak.
I also needed to buy new walking sneakers, which I could not find. Well, I couldnt find any in my budget, which is pretty much ZERO dollars. All the sneakers I saw were way above zero dollars, so I said to myself "Ah, I'll just stick with the sneakers I have now." Riiiiiight.
I had to buy sweatpants, or gym pants, to go walking in. This was another nightmare. Now, one would think that you would be safe buying XL and XXL stretchy workout type pants without trying them on right? (no fitting rooms in sporting goods store.) WRONG. I bought two pairs. I get home and neither of them fit. Not only do they not fit, but they dont even go over my giant ass. That is when you REALLY start to get depressed. When the workout pants you buy in order to get in shape because you are so fat - don't FIT you - because you are so fat. If Alannis Morissette were here right now, she would point out the irony in a song.
Lastly, I bought a pedometer to start tracking my steps when I walk. Stupid Dr. Oz who is apparently the God of all things Health, says you should try to walk 10,000 steps per day. That seems like quite a jump from my usual 46 steps per day, but I'm game. Let's see if this asshat knows what he's talking about. So I find the pedometer that LOOKS the least complicated on the shelf. It's $30. I get it home and cannot figure the damn thing out. My husband tries to figure it out, and together, we are like two 90 yr. olds looking at a foreign object for the first time. It made absolutely no sense. Input this, subtract that. Divide by 7. Add 5. Give your weight, then take 12 steps and multiply by 4. Spin in a circle. Really? I just want you to COUNT MY GODDAMN STEPS!!! Why is this so hard? I just want to WALK. I am going for a WALK. Walking should never, ever be this complicated. It literally takes us over 90 minutes to finally figure out all the options on the pedometer, and how to activate it and get it to work. I'm freakin exhausted and I haven't left the apartment yet.
Next; I put on the pair of old stretchpants I have, which are that annoying material where if you move a centimeter, cat hair attaches itself to them. So I spent a half hour brushing off cathair with a lintbrush. Then I realized the stupid pants have no pockets. I have an iPod, my cellphone, keys to the apartment, and a water bottle to carry. Where the hell am I gonna put all this stuff? My husband finds a wrist thingy that attaches your iPod to your wrist, so I ended up putting my phone inside that as well and looking like a hospital patient with all these things coming out of my right arm. I held the water, and made my husband buzz me into the building, so no keys. I looked at my husband and asked, "Am I ACTUALLY ready? Am I really leaving now?" He said: "I'm over this whole exercising thing you're doing. It's too exhausting for me."
Off I went. The good news is that the backdrop on our NJ street which sits on the Hudson River, is the New York City skyline. It is gorgeous, and the perfect motivation while walking. The bad news is that someone must have played a cruel joke on my iPod, because there was all this terrible music on there that I would never in a million years listen to, never mind PAY FOR. Taylor Swift, Boys to Men, Rick Astley? Seriously??? This must be a joke. Someone hijacked my iPod and played a joke, right? I still dont know how those songs got there, but I changed the music and ended up walking just under 3 miles. (2.9) I was soooo tired when I got home, I collapsed onto the couch and couldn't move for half hour. When I finally took my sneakers off, I noticed the gigantic blister on my left pinky toe. I NEED NEW SNEAKERS!!! But that walk was the start of something good. It was the first time in awhile that I didnt let a TINY thing stop me from exercising. In the past, I would have said many times "this is too annoying, its too cold, my pants dont fit" and used any of those reasons to NOT go walking. This time, It feels like an emergency, so I NEED to get it done.
I do not have a certain number of pounds I want to lose in mind as my goal. I do not have a pants size in mind, although right now just getting out of the XL category sounds like a dream. My goal is to celebrate my 40th birthday, and be really genuinely HAPPY at where I am in my life. My goal is to stay alive.
So because of all of this, somewhere around the beginning of January, a lightbulb went off in my head. (Not literally. That would hurt and I would probably die if there was an actual lightbulb inside my head. Don't be an idiot.) Oprah would call it an "A-Ha! Moment." But hey - that's why she has her own network and I have a rented apartment in Jersey. But I digress. My "A-Ha! Moment" happened, ironically, while watching a music video by the 1980's band A-Ha! No, it didn't really. But can you imagine? I'm not sure what you'd call that. An "A-ha Squared?" Who fuckin cares.
What I began to realize and fully understand during this "A-ha" moment, is that I am FAT. Yes, of course I already knew I was fat. I have known for years. Decades even. But this was different. Now, in this moment, I could FEEL all the terrible ways that my bad health was affecting my life. I started to actually feel that I could be, in fact, shortening my own life by being so careless about my health. Perhaps the idea of approaching 40 is what made me think this way; or perhaps I just had enough of my own annoying self getting in my own way. Whatever the case, I truly realized that I have NO OTHER CHOICE but to make some serious changes starting right now.
I came up with a plan of action and decided to post about it on Facebook in order to give myself some accountability. Well Holy Shit! You would think that I was OPRAH herself for all the many replies I recieved on that post. If all these same people that responded to my fat status message would only watch all my comedy videos and come to my shows - Hell, I'd be famous by now. If a known alcoholic posted: "Hey guys, Im considering giving up drinking, what do you all think?" and then received 67 responses of encouragement, ideas, suggestions; your first thought about that person would be "Damn, that guy's an alcoholic!", right? So, my Facebook status update 100% backed up my A-Ha moment realization of: "Holy Crap! All these people are coming out of the woodwork and replying! I must be REALLY FAT!"
My plan of action went into effect immediately. Everyone keeps telling me to take it slowly; dont do too much at once. But I suddenly feel like it is a huge emergency to get this going right this instant. So, to put it in basic terms, this is what my intentions are, at least to start:
1. Cut out all soda (Im a Diet Coke addict) and most sugar for two weeks just to get it out of my system and help the cravings go away; then slowly allow myself a very limited amount of soda after that - like once a week.
2. Portion control. (this is a big issue because I definately eat too much right now)
3. Switch from white to brown (whole grain/wheat breads, brown rice, wheat pasta,etc)
4. Get off my ass and MOVE. To start, Im alternating between a pool/swim routine at the gym that involves water weights, jogging, walking, etc ... and 2-3 mile walks here in my neighborhood. Some days Ill do both, but the goal is to always do one of these things.
On Monday; Day One of this awful new "no Joy" lifestyle; my husband and I went out for dinner with a gift-card we had. For the first time in probably FOREVER, I did not order soda at a restaurant. I got water. And no appetizer. We both ordered off the "Under 500 calorie" Menu. Mine was grilled shrimp with brown rice, almonds, and "mixed veggies." We both got the mixed veggies, which was a giant wad of disgusting broccoli. The only person who loathes broccoli more than I do is my husband, who only ordered that meal to help support me in my new eating habits. Sweet, but it won't last. The look on his face when glaring down a plate of broccoli told me that. I did not get dessert. I stared at the dessert menu for a good 10 minutes at least - longing for a piece of warm chocolate-chip pie. It is now Friday, and I still want that pie. Monday I discovered that going out to eat is BORING AS HELL when you can't eat whatever you want. How and why do people take part in this activity if they are eating broccoli and salad with the dressing on the side? It just is not enjoyable. All of the joy was taken away from the dining experience. When I go out to eat, I like to ... you know ... EAT!!! I can stay home and drink water. I would literally rather stay home if I have to restrict myself that much. Screw that. In the future, I will go out to eat way less often, and enjoy myself when I do.
Preparing for my first ever "exercise walk" was another story altogether. Jesus Christ, you would think I was prepping for a walk on the moon with all of the planning this stupid walk entailed. It started on Tuesday, when I attempted to go out and purchase items that I needed for my walk. I needed to buy new headphones for the iPod that have a special attachment thingy for my ears, because every pair my husband has immediately falls OUT of my ears 2 seconds after being put in. Apparently the inside of my ears are the only petite part of my entire body. My ear insides are so small, that they do not fit most iPod headphones. They pop out. Over and over again. This is incredibly annoying because stores do not have dressing rooms where you can go in and "try on" pairs of earphones to make sure they fit your ears. So you just have to guess. I have taken back several pairs in the past, and my husband now thinks Im some small-eared freak.
I also needed to buy new walking sneakers, which I could not find. Well, I couldnt find any in my budget, which is pretty much ZERO dollars. All the sneakers I saw were way above zero dollars, so I said to myself "Ah, I'll just stick with the sneakers I have now." Riiiiiight.
I had to buy sweatpants, or gym pants, to go walking in. This was another nightmare. Now, one would think that you would be safe buying XL and XXL stretchy workout type pants without trying them on right? (no fitting rooms in sporting goods store.) WRONG. I bought two pairs. I get home and neither of them fit. Not only do they not fit, but they dont even go over my giant ass. That is when you REALLY start to get depressed. When the workout pants you buy in order to get in shape because you are so fat - don't FIT you - because you are so fat. If Alannis Morissette were here right now, she would point out the irony in a song.
Lastly, I bought a pedometer to start tracking my steps when I walk. Stupid Dr. Oz who is apparently the God of all things Health, says you should try to walk 10,000 steps per day. That seems like quite a jump from my usual 46 steps per day, but I'm game. Let's see if this asshat knows what he's talking about. So I find the pedometer that LOOKS the least complicated on the shelf. It's $30. I get it home and cannot figure the damn thing out. My husband tries to figure it out, and together, we are like two 90 yr. olds looking at a foreign object for the first time. It made absolutely no sense. Input this, subtract that. Divide by 7. Add 5. Give your weight, then take 12 steps and multiply by 4. Spin in a circle. Really? I just want you to COUNT MY GODDAMN STEPS!!! Why is this so hard? I just want to WALK. I am going for a WALK. Walking should never, ever be this complicated. It literally takes us over 90 minutes to finally figure out all the options on the pedometer, and how to activate it and get it to work. I'm freakin exhausted and I haven't left the apartment yet.
Next; I put on the pair of old stretchpants I have, which are that annoying material where if you move a centimeter, cat hair attaches itself to them. So I spent a half hour brushing off cathair with a lintbrush. Then I realized the stupid pants have no pockets. I have an iPod, my cellphone, keys to the apartment, and a water bottle to carry. Where the hell am I gonna put all this stuff? My husband finds a wrist thingy that attaches your iPod to your wrist, so I ended up putting my phone inside that as well and looking like a hospital patient with all these things coming out of my right arm. I held the water, and made my husband buzz me into the building, so no keys. I looked at my husband and asked, "Am I ACTUALLY ready? Am I really leaving now?" He said: "I'm over this whole exercising thing you're doing. It's too exhausting for me."
Off I went. The good news is that the backdrop on our NJ street which sits on the Hudson River, is the New York City skyline. It is gorgeous, and the perfect motivation while walking. The bad news is that someone must have played a cruel joke on my iPod, because there was all this terrible music on there that I would never in a million years listen to, never mind PAY FOR. Taylor Swift, Boys to Men, Rick Astley? Seriously??? This must be a joke. Someone hijacked my iPod and played a joke, right? I still dont know how those songs got there, but I changed the music and ended up walking just under 3 miles. (2.9) I was soooo tired when I got home, I collapsed onto the couch and couldn't move for half hour. When I finally took my sneakers off, I noticed the gigantic blister on my left pinky toe. I NEED NEW SNEAKERS!!! But that walk was the start of something good. It was the first time in awhile that I didnt let a TINY thing stop me from exercising. In the past, I would have said many times "this is too annoying, its too cold, my pants dont fit" and used any of those reasons to NOT go walking. This time, It feels like an emergency, so I NEED to get it done.
I do not have a certain number of pounds I want to lose in mind as my goal. I do not have a pants size in mind, although right now just getting out of the XL category sounds like a dream. My goal is to celebrate my 40th birthday, and be really genuinely HAPPY at where I am in my life. My goal is to stay alive.
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