Thursday, January 13, 2011

Famous for Doing Nothing - The Crap We Glorify in America

Kate Gosselin. Octo-Mom. The Real Housewives of Whatever Random-Ass State. Paris Hilton. Kim Kardashian. Snooki. Heidi Montag. Nicole Richie. And on and on and on and on ...

What do these names have in common? They are all famous for doing absolutely nothing. I call them "Pointless Celebrities." They are literally pointless. And famous. And thats just one category of the famous for no reason. In addition to being famous for doing absolutely nothing (Paris Hilton), there is also the following:

1. Famous for making a sex-tape of yourself
2. Famous for being a complete moron or idiot
3. Famous for having a lot of kids that you can't afford, OR for generally living an irresponsible life and being rewarded for it with some retarded reality-show
4. Famous for being an addict(and then getting PAID to go on a TV show and go to "rehab" in front of the entire country)

And this list is just the tip of the iceberg. There are hundreds more of these types of leeches who appear all over my television, on magazine covers, in newspapers, online, and just about everywhere else you turn in life; there they are again. They mock me with their millions of dollars and their overdone plastic surgeries and their tiny "dogpurses" that they call pets and their umpteenth stint at "rehab". These people are famous, and they don't deserve to be. They have done nothing to warrant such fame and exposure, and they live their lives inside of a bubble. A bubble created by America.

Why do I care? I care because I'm sick and tired of it. I care because I am disgusted and angered by the amount of attention that people like this are getting; and by the fast-pace at which people like this are outnumbering people like me. I care because I am annoyed and pissed off that people continue to support and watch this kind of garbage. Because for every new piece of crap like "Jersey Shore", a great and underrated show like "Men of a Certain Age" will be taken off the air because nobody is watching it. For every pointless Kim Kardashian who makes a sex-tape and gets famous for it, another female continues to struggle, work really hard, and feel bad about herself for NO REASON. And for every show like "16 and Pregnant",(just to name one of many shows that exist under the guise of being "helpful" but really are exploitation and glorification of something that should not be used as entertainment) another kid is sitting at home realizing they don't need to go to college to be somebody. And hey, it's okay if you get pregnant and you're only in junior high. This girl on MTV pulled through, and man is she cool. Everything will be fine. All these kids need to do is take a look at the thousands of idiots on TV in front of them. Why bother educating yourself or working for a living, when you can just do something moronic and get rewarded for it? Why work your ass off for years on end, only to see somebody who has done NOTHING go on to be successful? Why be a responsible, commited adult; when you can act like a complete asshole, get in fights, get drunk off your ass, and get your own TV show? It doesn't exactly inspire a thirst for work ethic, now does it? Actually, it takes the old saying about "working hard to get what you want" and laughs in it's ancient face.

I don't know what makes me more angry; the fact that this crap is taking over the airwaves and society; or the fact that we are allowing it to take over. Yes, you can blame the Networks and producers for creating it and putting it on TV - but the fact remains that it wouldn't BE there or STAY there if so many people didn't watch it. Personally, I refuse to support any of these people or their projects. I just won't do it. And when I go onto Facebook on a Wednesday night and literally EVERY other status update is commenting on the "Jersey Shore" premiere, I get upset. It upsets me that THIS is the crap people like to see on television. Really? Why? It baffles me why you would want to watch these pointless douchebags beating each other up, drinking their heads off, and generally acting like morons. And then people say they only watch it to "make fun of it - I'm laughing at them." Right. And they are laughing at all of US while they sit home counting their millions and buying that third summer home. Gee, you really told THEM now, didn't you? It's sickening.

Even more sickening than the people who are famous for acting like idiots, are the ones who are famous for having a billion kids. Kate Gosselin. Octo-Mom. The Duggards. These people make me ill. With Kate Gosselin, first of all, who CARES about you and your stupid kids? I don't. Couldn't care less. It bores me to death. But more importantly, stop acting like a victim with the poor me crap all the time. "Waaah, there's cameras in my face, leave me alone" - then five minutes later creating a SECOND reality show because your "kids" would be heartbroken without the cameras. Yeah. Okay. I think YOU would be heartbroken to no longer be getting undeserved attention. As far as The Octo-mom, this woman just needs to go away and stop having goddamn kids. She is literally famous because she has a lot of kids and doesn't seem stable in ANY way, shape or form to support or properly care for them. So what does America do? We glorify that. We give her a reality show, we put her on Dr. Phil and GIVE HER FREE SHIT. "It's for the children" - people say. Bullshit. Dr. Phil is in this for the ratings, and he LOVES it when the latest dumbass with no responsibility for their own actions comes along so he can get the first interview. None of this is for those children. It's all selfish. If that woman had a brain in her head, she wouldn't HAVE children that she can't afford to take care of. She would actually THINK before having all these kids. Guess what? I am 39 yrs. old, married, and struggling financially. Would I like to have children? Yes, I would. Will we have them? Probably not. Maybe not ever. You know why? Because we cannot afford kids. We barely make enough money to support ourselves, and to me, bringing a child into that environment purposely is irresponsible and selfish. I just don't feel comfortable doing it. It's called SACRIFICING and living a RESPONSIBLE LIFE. You have to make choices, and usually, you just can't have everything you want simply because you want it. I realize these things ahead of time, and make my choices accordingly. Where the hell's MY reality show?

Paris Hilton is another one. Here is a girl who literally does nothing. What does she do? She goes to parties and poses. She is a "socialite." That's pretty much it. She is famous because she exists, because of her name. Did she earn ANY part of that fame? No. And not only that, but then she gets to play off of that fame with MORE fame, just because she feels like it. Perfume lines, reality shows, whatever she wants. Great. I wish I could say "Gee I'm bored, I think I'll start my own fingernail polish line." That might be fun.

Then we have all the addicts. These are the has-beens who have lost their fame long ago, and are trying to get it back by appearing on these shows such as "Celebrity Rehab." They go on TV and supposedly get clean, go through rehab. And by the way, they are getting PAID money to appear on these shows. Quite a bit of money. Here's my problem with this: if someone offered to pay ME $20k to lose 80pounds, you better believe I could drop that weight fast. But I would only put it back on again. These people are not doing this for the right reasons. They are doing it for more fame, exposure, and money. They are not ready. And this is my issue with this homeless man Ted Williams. While I think it's wonderful that he seems to be getting the help he needs NOW, the fact remains that this man is not READY nor deserving of fame. Why do you think he was homeless in the first place? Because of drugs. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic. He was also a radio DJ. He already HAD his chance, and he blew it back then. Now - the right person comes along at the right second, puts him on youtube, and the man is suddenly an "inspirational story." I have nothing against thig guy, but I don't really find this story all that inspirational. In fact, I knew from the minute I saw his Don Cheadle mixed with Robert Downey Jr. in "Tropic Thunder" mug that his fame wouldn't last, and that he wasn't REALLY off the drugs or alcohol. This is a man who has NINE kids, an addiction, and a LOT of unresolved issues in his life. Yes, he has a perfect radio voice. But it takes more than that. What about all of us who aren't drug addicts? Where do we fit in?

I often joke that I will never make it in this business because I don't have a tragic, heartbreaking story. I wasn't molested at age 5. My parents loved me and I had an amazingly happy childhood. I have good memories and great friends. My husband is incredible. I don't do drugs, I don't smoke. Hell, I barely even drink. My greatest vice is too many cupcakes, and I've been working HARD to make it in this business since I moved to NY to attend college as a Theatre Major all those years ago. But that's a boring story. You're not going to see any sort of "Behind The Music" about THAT. Sometimes I think that instead of spending all my time working 3 part-time jobs, auditioning, and doing endless comedy club gigs for zero money; I should just STOP putting in so much effort. Reverse my goals. I'm not THAT far from 300pounds - why not just make THAT my goal? Maybe if Im MORE obese and more lazy, then people will start offering me reality shows. Maybe I should become a drug-addict, or an alcoholic. Really, I should stop concerning myself with feeding my future children and just HAVE EM ANYWAY! Hell, America will feed them for me. I need to have at LEAST a dozen or so to get noticed, so I had better start soon.

Am I angry and bitter? Sure. I should be. Let me tell you why. I am 39 yrs. old, and being a performer has been my dream since I was a little kid. Everything I have done in my life so far has been to work toward that dream. There have been a lot of things I have sacrificed to live this way; and every single day is a struggle. There have been too many days and months of living off Ramen Noodles; or turning down time at comedy clubs because I can't come up with the $2.50 bus money to get myself into the city. I work 3 part-time jobs on average. Sometimes more. My husband works as an EMT, and cannot get a second part-time job to save his life, because most companies are ageists and automatically hire the younger kids. We rent an apartment that is way too small, in the most expensive city on earth. We have a car that is 13 years old and runs on hope. Our idea of a vacation is going to my parents house for two days, because it doesn't cost us much. I do all of these things and live this way because there is still a tiny part of me that will never die, that truly believes that I will succeed oneday. There is a part of me that KNOWS I am talented, and that I am funny, and that I have something unique and different to offer the world. So we struggle with money, and we struggle to just BE what we want to be and do what we want to do with our lives. And here's the thing: we ALREADY have to deal with people who "make it" simply because they were born into famous families, and people who make it solely because of their model Hollywood looks. NOW you throw THIS crap on top of all of that, and it's no wonder I don't commit immediate murder whenever I come home from a long, uninspired day and see "The Situation" on my tv.

We glorify all of the wrong things in this country. We focus on all of the wrong people. We put all of the morons and idiots front and center on our TV screens and in our magazines. Our idea of what makes a "celebrity" is really sad sometimes. I don't understand why people like this sort of stuff. Why anyone wants to watch a bunch of rich, fake women gossip and act like adult children on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta", or see who wants to be "friends" with Paris Hilton on "Paris Hilton's BFF" is beyond me. I will never understand this. And I am sorry if you think I am a bitch for not finding Ted Williams story inspirational. I have worked too damn hard to find something like that a "feel good story." You know what would be a feel-good story? A 39 yr. old woman who is a comedian and actor and has worked hard her entire LIFE to get somewhere with it, writes a blog about how all the wrong people are famous for no reason - and the right person reads it and SHE FINALLY GETS HER BIG BREAK!!! She gets a featured role on SNL, then "30 Rock", then her very own show where she can do all her characters and stand-up and all of the other things that have been sitting inside her head for years. She finally gets the fame that she DESERVES. And she DOESN'T end up on drugs or go to rehab because of it - she actually appreciates the fame and lives a wonderful life and uses the money to help her family and to rent her and her husband a decent place to live with central-air. THAT IS A FUCKING FEEL-GOOD STORY, DAMMIT!

But that will never sell to the networks.

Jesus Christ. Somebody please hire me already.

The End.


  1. You and I have talked about this many times before and I agree 100% After everything that has happened to you and me, we HAVE TO MAKE IT, otherwise God is a dick.........shit, God just told me I'm not making it, dammit!! I look forward to this year for you and me both sis.

  2. You will both make it! Kelly, walk into an SNL show as one of your characters, while participating as an audience member, be loud weird and funny until they kick you out, and as you are being escorted out, throw a bunch of business cards at the audience with the dates of your stand up.

  3. Bhahahaha!!! I love Ripple Effect's suggestion and absolutely think you should do it. I'm pulling for you Kelley. Hang in there (both you and Kevin!!) Also, I couldn't agree with you more on the celebrities for no reason thing. I don't watch any of those reality shows and quite frankly, it disgusts me that that's where our society has taken us.

  4. You are a friggin' genius! the more I read, the angrier I got. It's a sad world we live in. I'm already sick of Ted Williams and his honey voice.

    I admit, I had on Celebrity Rehab the other day (I enjoy others' struggles) and noticed something that made me sick (besides Janice Dickinson's face). It was when they show a person on the show, and they show the caption on the bottom of who they are and what they do, like, Eric Roberts - Actor.

    They then showed Rachel Uchitel - Tabloid Celebrity.

    Good times.

  5. Well said Kelly. This has been my argument for a long time. As we struggle to work and hone our craft, these no talents become famous for no reason at all. I have not understood these reality shows, although I just stumbled on one that I find fun, You're Cut Off. Why do I like it, because these spoiled brats get their come uppance. I'm new to it and don't know if any of last years parlayed their stint into more fame, but I doubt it.
    You are very talented and should be making it. The world is unjust and we should just bide our time until we inherit the earth.

  6. "We glorify all of the wrong things in this country. We focus on all of the wrong people."

    AMEN to that! AMEN to this whole post. Talent isn't respected in this country anymore. I watch old TV shows on YouTube and wonder why talent like that can't be displayed today. Why do I have to live in a time where the heroes of the world are reality TV stars? Do the majority of Americans really not aspire to do anything great with their lives anymore? What are people getting out of these shows?

    It's baffling, frustrating, and embarrassing. Thank you for summing up the thoughts that have been in my head for such a long time, Kelley.

  7. "married, and struggling financially. Would I like to have children? Yes, I would. Will we have them? Probably not. Maybe not ever. You know why? Because we cannot afford kids. We barely make enough money to support ourselves, and to me, bringing a child into that environment purposely is irresponsible and selfish. I just don't feel comfortable doing it. It's called SACRIFICING and living a RESPONSIBLE LIFE."

    This is my situation as well. It is a source of sadness for me. I would like to be a parent to a child and pass on my values and what I have learned, but we cannot afford it. Purchasing a child, raising a child, college - all of that, we can't afford. I don't believe I should have kids unless I can give them a better life than I had.

    And amen to ALL of this. The longer I'm work as an indpendant artist - who doesn't get paid for most of the art I do - the more I try to support other independant artists like yourself in my work and in what I choose to purchase.

    I didn't have financial resources from my family. They weren't well off, and I also didn't get the same financial support my siblings got and continue to get because my family's religious zealotry and my being gay. I'm in my 30's still trying to pay off my student loans and credit card loans - the cost of not wanting to live in a religiously oppressive family home.

    But like you, I believe in my talent, and I work hard, and I HAVE to believe we will find success. <3

  8. AMEN!! I couldn't have said it any better. "Our idea of what makes a 'celebrity' is really sad sometimes." AGREED! And the dictionary says celebrity is 'a celebrated person', I, being a semi-intelligent person, assume that means for doing something worthwhile or having some sort of talent besides making a sex tape or having huge T&A. But we all know what happens when we assume!

    That being said, and I do hate to sound all 'polly anna' about it, but I truly believe that if you stick it out (which I know you will) you will have all the success you desire and deserve. I believe it for myself as well. I have to, or I might as well dig a hole for myself and just die. Keep going!! Its not always easily seen but there is justice in this world and it will happen!! I'm pulling for us!

  9. hey kell, right on the money.
    we only have to look @ their
    high school yearbooks to note
    that most of them were voted:-
    "most likely to suck seed"!