Sunday, May 30, 2010

AMERICAN IDOL FINALE (Part 2) -Goodbye Simon, Hello Paint Salesman

So this is the end folks. The end of the Idol season, the end of Simon's Idol career, and the end of a local paint salesman ...selling paint. Now Lee Dwyze will instead be selling his mediocre albums, as your NEW AMERICAN IDOL!!! Thats right everyone. Lee won the show, and I dont know about you all, but I certainly was not surprised. America enjoys a good Nilla Wafer. Im going to repost a good friends status message from the day after the finale, because I thought it was brilliant and summed up the way that people seem to vote for their American Idol:


And thats pretty much it right there, isnt it? Here we had a clear choice between an okay singer who sounds like about 900 other okay singers, and a girl who is unbelievably gifted as a musician and songwriter even. America went with the safe choice. Because he sells paint, and apparently that is an attractive "All American" quality for some reason. If it wasnt, the show wouldnt have mentioned it every 5 seconds of every episode. Because if I have to hear about what a NICE guy Lee is one more time, I might commit a senseless murder. Crystal is JUST AS NICE of a person as he is, and has shown that on many occasions during the shows run. And anyway, who cares? Its a singing contest, isnt it? Well no, its really not. Its a "who do we want to have a beer with the most" contest. Just like the Presidential Elections. This is our country folks. This is just how we vote. Sometimes its the right choice, sometimes not. Most times we get it wrong. In this case, it doesnt really matter, as Crystals talent will be picked up by someone out there immediately. Her phone is probably already ringing off the hook ...

Before Lee won the title, however, a whole lot of other stuff happened in this 2-hour jam packed Finale. Most of it was fantastic; some of it strange; and even more of it just downright awkward.

Lets start where we always start - at the beginning:

The show began with a pretty kick-ass, although somewhat baffling, opening number of Alice Cooper's SCHOOLS OUT; featuring the Top 10 Idols with Alice Cooper himself. The gang was all dressed up in school uniforms, complete with creepy face makeup. The performance was great. The reason I call it baffling is because I find it odd that Idol would choose an Alice Cooper song as the opening number on a show that is mostly watched by young people. In fact, most of the performers on the shows Finale; although impressive big names; were of the "older pursuasion" shall we say. As in, most younger people who watch the show dont know who the hell Alice Cooper or Joe Cocker or Chicago or Hall and Oates or Michael McDonald ARE. So, either American Idol is not capable of getting big CURRENT names for the finale, (which I find hard to believe considering all the huge names they always seem to get) or they are purposely directing the show at the cougars, housewives, and the adult SECRET male audience. (you know you are out there and you know who you are. All you adult men out there who watch the show but claim its because your wife MAKES you, or you watch the show but forget to mention it to your coworkers the next morning. We know who you are. Give it up.)

American Idol loves to open their results shows with a cheesy, Brady Bunch variety show style group number; and the finale was no different. If you looked closely in the SCHOOLS OUT number though, you could see that The Child looked as if A. he didnt know the words to the song AT ALL and B. he was half asleep. He really did look tired. Schools NOT out for him, after all, and it WAS a school night.

Next up was last years "boring white guy" Idol winner; Kris Allen; with his new song entitled .... seriously, does anyone give a shit about this guys new album? I know I dont. Who cares what the songs called really. This performance would have been completely not worth mentioning, other than the fact that there was some sort of sound glitch when Kris started to sing; and you could clearly hear douchebag Seacrest in the background - talking. He didnt say anything of importance, as usual, but I was REALLY hoping he would have chosen that moment to scream out something horribly embarassing, like "I LOVE LITTLE BOYS!" But, no such luck. Instead, we just had to watch boring Kris sing. Zzzzz.....

Throughout the night, we were reminded that Simon Cowell was leaving the show with a series of tribute montages, and a few other surprises. The first of these montages was very cute and funny, and basically showed some of Simons best "insults" and comments to past contestants. I am a big ole sap for Simon myself; and my love for him is as strong as my hatred for Seacrest. So the montages and Simon moments during the Finale got me a little bit emotional. I really hate to see him go. To me, the end of Simon is the end of Idol. Thats not to say I wont continue watching the show. We will see. But the show will not be the same without him. It will absolutely lose something of huge significance. It doesnt exactly help the show that their "something of significance" will be moving onto his OWN show; fully produced and owned by him; and on the same FOX network, most likely in direct competition with Idol. This should be interesting. Or not.

Up next was a Bee-Gees medley duet by The Child and The Psychotic Evil Screamer (Siobhan). Surprisingly, they had pretty good harmony together. Once I stopped being creeped out by how The Child closes his eyes the entire time hes singing; or how Creepy Screamer Girl hisses her notes out while showing her long sharp fang teeth; I sort of enjoyed their little creepfest number. Then out came the Bee-Gees to join them, and the one dude looked like he had been living on bread and water as a hostage somewhere for the past 10 years. Holy Christ man, eat a sandwich or seven, would ya?

This became the pattern for the Finale. First, the Idol contestant of choice would come out to the stage and begin singing someones song ... and then, somewhere around the 2nd verse, that person would suddenly appear out of a puff of smoke and finish the song with them. It was kind of cool trying to guess who would come out from behind the curtain. I was having fun with it. In todays world of INSTANT technology and gratification, Idol usually does a pretty good job of keeping it secret as to who will be on the Finale. And they also usually get some pretty darn good acts. Theyre not foolin around.

So the next combo was Michael Lynch with Michael McDonald. Okay, so theyre not ALL winners. The pair sang the hit TAKIN IT TO THE STREETS. Now, you know you are getting old and perhaps losing your once unique singing sound when the Idol contestant singing with you kind of kicks your ass vocally. Michael LYNCH was better than Michael MCDONALD on this one. McDonald still had his stuff - but it sounded like his stuff had been trampled on by a herd of very mean elephants. Oh, and also - he looked like a human Papa Smurf.

Then came the lame comedy routine; and by that; I mean Dane Cook. Now personally; Ive never been a fan of Dane Cook; so when he kind of bombed live on the American Idol finale; I must admit I smiled inside. Okay, I smiled outside too. It wasnt ALL his fault though. He started out doing a pretty lame song / guitar number all about Simon, and the mean things Simon has said to some of the less talented hopefuls during early auditions. Then, they made the mistake of bringing those freaks onto the stage with Cook. At this point, it all went haywire and one of the freaks grabbed the microphone and started yelling all kinds of crap about how HE would take over for Simon when hes gone, and how this is all Bullshit, yadda yadda yadda. American Idol quickly and in the most non-subtle way possible, CUT away from Cook in the middle of his song and went to commercial. They should have let that play out and let the freak make a fool of himself, I think. Hell, Dane Cook is a comic, and he should have been able to handle that loser. Just another heckler in his eyes. Cook later commented on his twitter page that he was upset to be cut off during his song like that. I dont blame him really. What was Idol thinking bringing those freaks up there onstage? They are FREAKS!!! The whole reason they auditioned for the show in the first place was to get ATTENTION and be on tv. They are attention-tv-whores. Didnt you think they would pull something like that? So really, thats what you get for allowing people like that up on your stage during a live show. Havent you learned anything from the streakers at the Oscars? Dumbasses.

After that trainwreck was finally over, two really great performances happened back to back. First up were the Top 5 girls who sang Christina Aguilera's BEAUTIFUL; ending with Christina herself; who then did another solo number alone. She looked like a human lampshade, but her voice sounded incredible.

The Top 5 men performed some Hall and Oates; and then Hall and Oates did what seemed like a mini-concert of some of their biggest hits. I found it hilarious that while Hall was up on a higher stage platform, pointless and insignificant Oates was standing lower and looked like a small boy singing with his daddy.

Next came one of my favorite moments of the evening; Crystal Bowersox singing Alanis Morisettes IRONIC; followed by a duet between the two of YOU OUGHTTA KNOW (lyrics severely edited on that one.) It was a joy watching these two huge talents perform together, and you could see the admiration Crystal has for Alanis in her eyes while doing so. It was fantastic.

Another highly memorable moment was when Casey James started to sing Poisons EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN (and he sang it VERY well. Why couldnt he sing this well during the actual competition?) and then ... no way ... it cant be ... its not possible .... yup, it is... here comes Brett Michaels to join him!!! Brett Michaels! The man who was pretty much on his death bed just a week before. The man who had a brain hemorhage and suffers diabetes. I will admit it - I like this guy. How you CANT like him is beyond me. He just seems so damn nice. And although he doesnt work in a paintstore like Lee, he just seems like the most laid back, fun person to hang with. That was a cool duet. They sounded great.

Lee Dwyze singing with Chicago, on the other hand, was a bit awkward. First of all, its not even really Chicago anymore, its half of Chicago and some random dude. Secondly, Chicago was famous for their harmonies. Where was the harmony? There wasnt any. Lee sounded okay, but strained and a bit OFF as per usual; but the whole thing just seemed a tad unbalanced and "pitchy dude." It was one of those performances that I WISH was better than it actually was. But still ...its Chicago, and thats cool.


Part One of the Shit Show was a bizarre performance of the hilariously made famous "Pants on the Ground" song. Now, I did expect that they would bring this dude out and have him sing his song, because the song IS funny as hell and thats what Idol always does when something becomes big during auditions. And it started out amusing with Larry Platt, the originator of the song, simply singing it. Then it got weird. Suddenly it was a broadway show on crack with several "Pants on the Ground Dancers!!!" coming out with loose pants dancing in a circle around Platt as he sang a strange, sort of hip hop version of the tune. And THEN, that friggin HACK William Hung was dragged out to sing it with him. Why, I have no idea. What does he have to do with anything? He got his 15 seconds of fame during HIS season, when HE had HIS bad audition and then was carted out to sing badly all over again. Why is he back and why doe he keep coming back? Go away already. Youre not funny, and youre annoying. This whole thing felt like a bad acid trip.

And speaking of bad acid trips, lets talk about the return of Paula Abdul. Yes, this was Part Two of the Shit Show. Abdul made her "surprise" visit when the curtain opened and there she stood in a ridiculous looking bright pink Bjork-like dress. She looked like the dancer that sits atop of a jewelry box. Paula showed up to give her heartfelt goodbyes to Simon; in what can only be described as the psychotic rantings of an escaped lunatic who took 12 too many Vicotin. Apparently, Paula was under the impression that she was asked there as a stand-up comedian, because she couldnt stop telling horrible lame jokes. That was bad enough. Then, she just woudlnt shut up. She kept talking ...and talking... and talking .... she was yammering on and on about God knows what, and she sounded like she was in a drunken, pill induced haze. Basically, it was a typical Paula Abdul appearance.

Once the trainwreck named Paula finally shut up, the show really went all out in tributing Simon by bringing out every single past Idol Winner (only David Cook was missing due to a previous charity engagement), along with a LOT of past Idol contestants from every single season. They all gathered on the stage and sang to Simon "Look Whats Become of Us" or some cheesy title. I gotta say, this was sweet. I started thinking back to all the different seasons of this show, and all the winners and non-winners, and looking at Kelly Clarkson; the first American Idol Winner; and I started to remember how unique of a concept this show was when it first started, how exciting. It was really neat to see all those people that have a career now because of Simon Cowell - honoring him in that way together. He was very moved himself, and you could tell that when he was called onto the stage and gave a little farewell speech, thanking everyone and pointing out that the audience are the REAL judges of the show; therefore the show will go on and prosper. True, I suppose, but Simon is the soul of the show. Honeslty, all the other judges are just filter. People care what Simon says about them.

The show started to wrap up with a performance by Michael Jackson, who apparently came back from the dead for this wonderful opportunity. Oh ... Im sorry ... whats that? Youre saying that wasnt Michael Jackson, it was JANET Jackson? Oh , I see. Because I saw Michael Jackson up there. I saw a dude with no hair and MICHAEL JACKSONS VOICE!!! (creeeepy!), singing exactly like Michael Jackson, note for note. So, what I got out of this is that Janet Jackson has chosen to deal with her brothers death, by becoming him. Creepiest performance ever. Thank God she went on to sing NASTY, because in that song she sounded like herself and it was back to normal again. Well, normal for a Jackson. What a creepfest family they are. In all seriousness though, It was good to see her performing again. As her brother Michael.

The last performance of the night before announcing the new Idol, was of course between the two finalists, Lee and Crystal. They began singing A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS together, which really did kick some serious ass. The two of them sound awfully good together. Eventually, they were joined by Joe Cocker, who resembled a white Fred Sanford of "Sanford and Son"; and although he really had to push it out of himself, that voice was still there. Sort of. Honestly, I was afraid he might drop of heart failure right there onstage, his veins were popping out so much. Talk about a finale.

Well guys, thats the show. Oh ........ right ....... and Lee is your American Idol. Did I forget to mention that? I guess thats important to say in a blog about the finale, right? Yeah, so Lee won. Obviously. DUH. Like anyone thought he wouldnt. I mean cmon now, the man sells paint in a paintstore. Hes practically an American Hero! They should name a holiday after him for Christs Sakes.

I will admit to being happy for him though. In that moment, when that confetti is flying everywhere all over the stage and you cant see a thing, and everyones hugging and crying and whoever wins cant get a note out of their new song because they are too overly emotional --- its a happy moment. Thrilling, even. And I felt badly for him, because he looked like he might literally pass out, before the winner was even announced. So, good for him. Whatever. I predict a mediocre career for him, but I could be wrong. I guess we will find out soon.

So thats it guys. For now. Thats your season. Thank you to everyone who has read and commented on my Idol blogs. They have been fun to write, and Ill continue to write them, If I continue to watch the show, which, lets face it, I probably will.

In the meantime, Ill be starting a blog on The Bachelorette which is on Monday nights. If youd like me to tag you on it, let me know, I figure it should be a perfect show to mock and could make some hilarious blog entries. You can also read all my Idol blogs, plus other comedy blogs, at my blogpage which is appropriately titled:

Id like to end this blog with my TOP TEN personal favorite Simon comments over the years. I found these by looking online and watching some old clips of episodes. They made me laugh all over again. So goodbye for now Simon. These are for you:

10. "You came across as a background singer for a background singer."

9. "I’m tempted to ask if you sang that the night before your wife left you."

8. "You have the personality of a handle.”

7. "If you had lived 2,000 years ago and sung like that, I think they would have stoned you."

6. “You take singing lessons? Do you have a lawyer? Get a lawyer and sue your teacher.”

5. “You sound like a cat in a vacuum cleaner. Dreadful.”

4. “It was almost like you were giving birth there at the end.”

3. (when contestant continues to sing ballod) "I DONT want to hear a ballod!" (contestant starts singing another slow song) "Holy hell! Ill tell you what a dictionary, and look up 'ballod.' It says 'slow.' "

2. "Lets come back to Planet Earth for a moment ...I think youve just invented a new form of torture."

and this is why I love and respect him so much, because I believe the same thing that he says here:

1. “I haven’t done anything particularly harsh. Harshness to me is giving somebody false hopes and not following through. That’s harsh. Telling some guy or girl who’s got zero talent that they have zero talent actually is a kindness.”

P.S. Was Randy even THERE during the finale? I challenge you to find ONE thing that he did or said.

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