Wednesday, November 18, 2009


Well, here we are folks. What you have all been waiting for. If, in fact, the word "all" actually means "noone." Because let's be honest. Noone has actually been waiting for this. My blog page. Noone.

I often wonder what the purpose of all this really IS. This thing we call blogging.

Why do we all suddenly think that we are brilliant authors today? Just because we have computers? Think about it. If you own an easel; you are not a brilliant artist. Got a balance beam? HEY; YOU'RE A GYMNAST!!! That seems to be the way of thinking. Do you know how many blogs I have read that were just a whole lot of boring, not-well put together words, coming out of the mouth of a not-so intelligent or even interesting person? Quite a few. Chances are, if youre not all that intriguing in person; your stupid blog won't be any different. But that's okay. That is what the internet is for. So the average dumbass can think of him or herself as Shakespeare. Just for a few minutes.

Think about it. Why do we sit around writing to ourselves anyway? Noone is watching or reading what we have to say. Well okay, maybe a FEW people look at it. But only because you tell them to, ask them to, BEG them to. "Read my blog... please read my blog... Hey, check out my blog!" Its all a bit self-congratulatory, dont you think? And not only that; but blogpages, facebook, and even twitter have all become places to fiercely and pointlessly argue with one another about nothing and everything. So many times, I have put up a status message that was clearly supposed to be light-hearted and mocking; and hours later my seemingly innocent joke has turned into 47 people having a facebook brawl about the best way to use energy-saving lightbulbs. (Okay, that was just a hypothetical example. I would never write a status message about something as boring as lightbulbs. However; if I DID; it would somehow turn into an argument.)

Here's the thing. Everyone's got a cause. Everyone thinks that their cause is the most important cause there is on earth. And everyone now has 85 different ways to promote their various causes. I have no issue with people and their causes. It is actually quite lovely to believe in something strongly and try to inspire others to share your beliefs. It is inspiring if it is coming from a real place. When someone believes fiercely about, say, animal rights and tries to educate others about it using blogs and other internet superpowers, that is one thing. BUT ... I have a hard time understanding people who, everytime you turn around, are yammering on about some new cause. In one week's time, they go from SAVE THE WHALES! to END NUCLEAR WAR! to DON'T SHOP AT WALMART,THEY MURDER THEIR EMPLOYEES! to PROTECT THE ENVIRONMENT USING CAT URINE! to SUPPORT MY LOWER BACK to LET'S STOMP OUT AIDS AND ACNE! to ... oh, you get the idea. The point is, they have too many causes!!! And when someone stands for everything, they truly stand for nothing at all. Which is kind of like making love out of nothing at all. Which is a really bad reference to a really terrible Air Supply song. Which is sad. Please support people who listen to Air Supply.

The point is this: ("Seriously? You STILL haven't gotten to the point?", says the imaginary sarcastic person in my head.) Everyone thinks they have something to say. "I'M SO IMPORTANT!!! READ WHAT I AM WRITING!!! IT WILL CHANGE LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT JUST BY READING MY VERY FONT!!!"

The truth is this: Some people are important and have things to say. Other people are morons. Or pointless. Or not very smart. Or boring. These people will continue to be these things. A blog page won't change any of that. It will just be an additional way for that person to annoy us with their very existence.

I do not pretend to be important or think that my blog page will do anything spectacular in the grand scheme of things. I also vow to not use this for anything super-serious. There is nothing wrong with that; but there is already enough of that out there. So you won't be getting that from me. I can tell you what my blog WILL do:

1. Make you laugh, or at least giggle. Or smile. If you don't do one of those three things at some point while reading this, then I'm sorry to report that you are indeed a humorless robot. Seek help.

2. Mock everything, big and small. That's what I do, folks. I mock.

3. Offend. Or not offend. I say this because EVERYTHING offends somebody. I could be discussing lightbulbs ("Again with the lightbulbs?", says imaginary person...) and some fool will come on here and comment about how when they were 7 years old, their babysitter molested them using a box of cereal and a lightbulb, and how DARE I bring that memory up for them??!!

So; with all of that in mind; you have just read my very first blog post. Do you now feel different somehow? Like a changed person? I don't blame you one bit.

For next time: I will discuss and explain the meaning behind the title of my blogsite. (Fat Funny Female.) I will also talk about people who eat fruit in public. It is a bizarre pet peeve of mine.

I know you are all looking forward to my next blog. BECAUSE I'M IMPORTANT!!!


  1. I will support Air Supply! Hey I eat fruit in public you @#$^*&$^*#&@^!!!

  2. Kelley: on behalf of people who can't decide which cause to support this Tuesday, I'm offended! Love ya!

  3. Kelley, I told you about my babysitter and the lightbulb in CONFIDENCE!!!!!! I can't believe that you would bring that up on your blog, of all places. Great, back to therapy for me. Thanks, thanks a lot.

  4. I had a hard time reading your blog. Reading is for losers.

    I do like your blog tho. I also like fruit in public. So, we'll see if we can co-exists in this tipsy-turvy intra-world together.

    I also like Christian self-help books on audio. Just thought you'd like to know....

  5. I've been waiting for it. But I'm a nerd.