Friday, December 4, 2009

Public Displays of FRUIT EATING

So, I promised you people that in blog number two, I would discuss the very important topic of people who eat fruit in public places. And so now I am here to deliver on that promise. Because I, Kelley Lynn Niemi, am a woman of my word. And when I say I will discuss fruit, BY GODFREY, I will discuss fruit! Just try and stop me!!! No, really. Try and stop me. I dare you. You will fail, and I will conquer.

I love fruit. And I love public places. I just don't think they belong together. Why? Well, to put it simply, you look disgusting and gross when you are eating your piece of fruit in public. Trust me. You do. You look horrific. And you sound awful. And the whole thing just makes me feel sick to my stomache, to be honest. Let me break this down for you by going over the typical fruits I seem to witness other people eating in public places, and why it bothers me:

1. THE APPLE: Apples are delicious. They are probably my all-time favorite fruit. I love putting them in salads, cutting them into homemade chicken-salad, putting them in stuffing, and eating them just plain. However; when I eat an apple; I cut it up into thin slices and then pick up those slices and eat them. Why? Because even in the privacy of my own home where noone else can see me, I would disgust MYSELF if I were to pick up an apple and simply bite into it. So, dear stranger ... when you do this in a public place such as on a subway or train or in an office or wherever else; it makes me want to jump out a window. Or throw you out one. Actually, that would be easier. Why should I die because of your apple eating ways? Let's not get crazy.

Why is the public apple-eating so neauseating? Well; for one thing, it makes the most disgusting sound when you bring it up to your mouth and bite into it. And this doesn't happen only ONCE. No,no,no. This biting process happens over and over and over again, until the apple is gone. And each time I have to hear that crunch/bite sound, it comes along with your spit and your slobbering all over that apple. Trust me, it is not a pleasant thing to have to hear. And guess what? It is extremely LOUD each time you do this. I hate when someone eats an apple in a normally quiet place, like a library, and you just hear nothing but chomp, chomp, chomp, crunch, crunch, crunch. Gross. Secondly; it LOOKS nasty when you are chomping on this apple, with your stupid wet, spit-stained napkin underneath it; and with you twirling the apple into different positions, and turning your neck and head into all kinds of wacky angles so you can bite into it just right. It is such a turn-off to watch that nonsense. I just want to put you into a private room with no windows until you have finished your apple-eating sins, and washed yourself up. Then you may return to earth with the rest of civilization. But please, for the Love of God, throw away that core first, cuz that's my third complaint about the apple. That awful core that seems to end up in the bottom of your purse, or wrapped inside of a napkin somewhere. Do NOT make me look at that core with the remaining brown apple remnants. Get rid of that evidence. It is just not right.

2. THE BANANA: Let's not pretend to be mature here. I don't care what you say or how much you may accuse me of being ridiculous; but the fact is that when you peel and then eat a banana, it is very phallic. I am sorry, but it just looks like you are going down on some dude with a very yellow schlong. It just does. It does not matter if you are male or female. In fact, it is intensely funnier if you are male and peeling, then eating a banana. I giggle to myself when men eat bananas in public. I giggle harder when the man is very serious looking and perhaps wearing an expensive suit, tie, and removes the banana from a leather briefcase. Please don't try to look businesslike and important while putting your lips around a banana. You look silly, and I cannot take you seriously while you eat your banana. Perhaps we can discuss mergers and taxes and real estate AFTER you have finished your banana, because right now, Im much too busy laughing at you.

3. THE PEACH and/or PLUM: This is the fruit that grosses me out the most whenever I witness public eating of it. It contains so much juice and wetness and things that squirt when you eat it, that, really, it should only be consumed while at home with the doors locked and chained. Whenever someone bites into a peach or plum, their entire face and chin gets all glossy and yucky and sticky looking, and it is so unbelievably unappetizing to see. This is the female version of the banana. Eating a peach looks as if you are ... well... eating a peach. And really; who in life except for the one person you are most intimate with; EVER needs to see your face all covered in goop? Not ME, thank you very much. Not me. Eat your peaches at home people. I am begging you.

4. WATERMELON: This is probably the most universally accepted and eaten fruit in public. Picnics, BBQ's, pool parties ... watermelon is the perfect summer fruit. It is super delicious and I rarely can get enough of it. Good stuff. However; I cut up my watermelon into small slices or cubes, or I buy it that way at the store. Why? Because its absolutely disgusting to sit there and shove your entire FACE and person into a slice of watermelon that is shaped like a half-moon and that is covering your face in slop, seeds, and stickyness. YUCK!!! Whenever watermelon is served that way, I still take a knife and cut it into individual cubes and eat it like that. I'm not forcing my head into a semi-circle of syrupy-sweet headgear, only to come out looking like a 5 year old who can't eat without covering his or her face in food. What am I, an animal? No, dammit. Cut up that melon like a human with some manners. And get a fork while you're at it.

The above fruits mentioned are, by far, the most obvious in the list of Evil public fruit-eating. However; equally disgusting fruits include grapefruit, oranges, and mango. These fruits should also not be eaten in public places, especially by amateurs. Cutting into a grapefruit in front of others is not only intrusive, but can also be quite dangerous. Oranges involve MUCH too much effort and work and time to be a good public fruit, and mangos are just waaay too messy. Therefore, the only fruit I can see eating in public that would not be gross or nasty in any way, shape, or form, would be A. some sort of fruit salad or fruits that have already been cut up into cubes or small pieces and are inside tupperwear-like containers, or B. grapes. Grapes are small and fit beautifully into a ziploc baggie where you can then reach your hand into and eat them quietly and politely. Grapes aren't out to hurt or offend anyone. Grapes are your friend. Well, okay. They are not your friend. Let's not get carried away here. If you are actually friends with a grape, please seek help immediately.

Now that you all know which fruits to never again eat in public because they disgust Kelley, I hope that we can all be a happier, healthier nation. I appreciate your support in making this a brighter world for me to live in.


  1. Hahahahaha, I'm a sinner Kelley! I'm an outright sinner! I eat fruit in public ALL the time. That apple-eating sinner you described, that's me! I do agree with the grapefruit and orange thing. It's so challenging to do in public. The world would truly be a better place if people would stop eating their fruit in public. Speaking of nasty noises in public, how do you feel about the horrid sound of people's lips smacking together when they are kissing? GROSS!!

  2. I too am a public fruit eating nusiance. ESPECIALLY the orange. To make this worse, during prime citrus season...(right about now actually) I carry a citrus peeler in my car AND in my bag. Sorry Kelley. I'm sorry for my transgression and will work on being more considerate. Also gross, people who eat ANYTHING on the subway. They may as well just lick the pole (on the subway OR at the Hustler Club).