Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The World According to "NUNYA"

I am a comedian, and sometimes I write humorous blogs or satirical articles on my blogpage and/or facebook page. I do this for fun, and because most people like reading them. Most people comprehend the simple idea of comedy.

About a month ago; my friend Jen Pierce asked me if I would like to be a guest blogger on her site. As my first blog, we decided to rewrite and post my "Top 11 list of the Most Annoying Facebook Status Messages." The list had previously received quite a few comments and admiration from people who have a sense of humor over on facebook, so we figured the fine people who read Jen's blog might also appreciate a fun, and clearly humorous list. Well, for the most part, we were correct. But as we all know, there is always one person who has to spoil all the fun. In real life, these are usually the morons who ruin the flow of group conversation by not getting the obvious joke that everyone else gets, or by trying to put in their very unfunny and lame two cents, which often results in awkward silence and an early night. In real life, these people are called douchebags or jackasses. Online - they are called TROLLS.

You all know what a troll is. Trolls are those losers who "troll" the internet, looking for things to comment on in a negative and annoying manner. Trolls never have anything intelligent to say; they only want to irritate people and spread their pointless drivel through an anonymous screenname that they can hide behind such as "nunya." What is a nunya, you may ask? I have absolutely no idea. But whatever it is, it must know how much I love Christmas and how much I loooooove mocking ridiculous trolls. Because this year, my very first Christmas gift came very early in the form of a troll named "nunya." This "nunya" person left the following hilarious comment on my above-mentioned "Top 11 Most Annoying Facebook Status Messages" blog. Normally; it is a good idea to follow the "Don't Feed the Trolls" rule and leave something like this alone; but it's Christmas!!! So, in the spirit of Christmas and jolly-good fun; I present to you the troll comment, along with my response. Enjoy with a mug of eggnog.

NUNYA SAID: I like how you bitch about people, who you have added to your facebook, posting stupid messages, and yet, #8 befuddles me.

"I suppose Im supposed to give a crap what it is you are OVER,right? Guess what? I don't. Don't care. Could care less."

What "Could care less."? The trees? Snow? Some random person walking down the street? Let's assume you have a subject in mind and it is in fact, you. Even with an actual sentence being formed, "I could care less", I seriously doubt that is what you meant. Because that statement infers that you care enough for there to be room to care even less than you do right now.

The correct term is "I could not care less" or possibly, for the contractioners out there, "I couldn't care less". Maybe, instead of bitching about things you have brought upon yourself... you should pick up a book and learn syntax, yes?


Wow. Someone has a lot of time on their hands, and that someone's name is "nunya." Let me tell you, dear nunya, I have a few theories about people like you. Trolls. To me, trolls are most likely in one of three scenarios:

1. A pre-teen or "tween" smartass who is extremely unpopular at school and wants desperately to be liked and/or recognized for something; anything.

2. A loser male, somewhere between the ages of 20-45, who is unemployed, a chronic masturbator, and living in his mom's basement indefinately.

3. An older woman, most likely married, whose dreams have never been realized and who lives in a world of hurt and extreme bitterness.

I truly believe that most people who troll internet sites to make stupid comments like yours, must have pretty unfulfilling lives. I also have a few questions for you and everyone out there like you: Exactly how much time out of your day did you devote to over-analyzing and ripping apart my blog? Seriously. Was it 10 minutes? An hour? Several hours? How do you know which people to target on any given day? There are thousands and thousands of blogs out there. There are also message boards, videos, articles, and many other forms of written internet variety. Why did my blog get your attention? Did a simple little grammatical error really make you that upset or affected that you just couldnt let it go? Perhaps I was one of your many targets. Maybe after you were finished critiquing my blog, you then went over to YouTube and watched a few videos over there. Maybe you are one of those same morons that watches a comedy video, and then underneath, makes the most assanine comment such as "you're fat", "u guys suck", or "this video is dum."

(by the way nunya -- I mispelled certain words and used common textspeak in those previous examples ON PURPOSE, in order to demonstrate comedy. Just didn't want to confuse you.)

What motivates one to do such a thing as this? How many other blogs and message boards have you soiled with your unintentionally hilarious comments? Is this a hobby for you? A part-time job perhaps? Your only job? What is the goal here exactly? I really am curious. What is it that you trolls are hoping to accomplish when you go off unnecessarily on someone like this? Do you think the author of the blog is going to say "Gee whiz Nunya, you are correct! You have changed my entire way of thinking. Thank you, oh Great and Powerful Internet One, for showing me the errors of my ways." Do you expect other anonymous screennames to rally behind you and type feverishly about how ingenius you are? And more importantly, how do you feel when it is all over? Once you have typed out your stupid lecture via keyboard, and your anger has subsided, what happens then? Do you start sobbing uncontrollably into a generic tissue because your daddy never hugged you enough as a child?

I would imagine that people such as yourself are extremely insecure and unhappy. Why else would you waste any of your time in life breaking down the "syntax" of a total stranger's blog? Why? It makes no sense to me. In addition to you being an unhappy soul, I also imagine that you are quite angry as well. My Top 11 List of Annoying Facebook Statuses was CLEARLY a humorous piece. Now, whether or not you found it funny is really irrelevant. Obviously you did not. That is fine. But many others did, and I don't recall ANY of the several comments I received on my facebook page being even the slightest bit angry or rude. People read it, laughed, and added their own examples to the list. That is how a normal, sane person responds to a lighthearted blog. Now, someone who does not have a sense of humor in any way, shape or form would respond to a fun blog by accusing the author of "bitching." Twice. First you said that I was "bitching about people" and then you said I was "bitching about things I have brought upon" myself. So that is two times you felt the need to use the word bitching as a verb to describe ME. The ironic thing is that my blog was just me having some fun. I was joking around. You, on the other hand, were doing a whole lot of bitching. And at the end of the day, it is pretty lame and pathetic that of ALL the things going on in the world and in the universe, you chose THIS topic and this subject to get all up in arms about? Really? I mean, seriously? Not global warming, or equal rights, or national healthcare??? But THIS? This is where you choose to take a stance on something? For real? Wow.

So, nunya, I ask you ... Don't you feel just a tiny bit silly?

By the way, you'd better log off the computer now. I think your mommy is calling you for dinner. Steak-Umms.

I hope my syntax was correct in that last sentence. I may lose sleep over it.

1 comment:

  1. Lesson: Don't mess with Kelley Lynn.
    #2- Kelley! We should feel bad for jack off Nunya... maybe he is a bad rendition Kevin Conn's character turned real...the boy who couldn't laugh...