American Idol Review - The "Sucky Miley Cyrus Episode"

So Im going to start writing fun reviews of the IDOL episodes on here. Why? Because Its enjoyable to mock all the bad on the show, and also great to take ANY opportunity to slam Ryan Seacrest more publically than I already have. My hatred for him knows no bounds.
But lets be honest. The real reason I love watching this show is for the raw talent that comes along every once in awhile and surprises you. This year, for me, its Crystal Bowersox. I know this because of the most simple thing: EVERYTIME she starts her performance, my husband and I CRANK our tv volume. Yes, she seems to exude stank feet and B.O. and other classic hippy qualities right through the tv screen, but thats part of her charm. She knows exactly who she is, and shes amazingly talented.

So we begin. Last night the episode started by scaring the living crap out of me. All the contestants were lined up on the stage as if they were being held hostage, and then a GIGANTIC MOVIE SCREEN SEACREST HEAD appeared behind them, barking out his usual drivel that always ends with the annoying "THISSS................ Is American Idol!!!!!" (followed by that annoying music that my husband imitates frighteningly well.)

Just when I thought things couldnt possibly get any worse than a Max Headrum-like Seacrest across my tv screen in HD, they did. Because at that moment, Seacrest announced that the "guest mentor" tonight would be Miley Cyrus. The words kept piercing my soul like O.J.s knife ...guest. mentor. Miley. MENTOR!!!??!!! I know its for ratings and for young dumb pre-teen kids, but cmon now, have they finally lost their minds? In what way is Miley Cyrus a MENTOR? What the hell is she going to teach these people? She is HANNAH MONTANA for Christ Sakes. And never mind her singing voice's mediocrity, have you heard the girl SPEAK? She has one of the most irritating voices Ive ever heard. I really wanted to throw myself out my 3rd story apartment window everytime she came on, but Im too fat to fit through the screen. So instead, I watched ....

The tension between Simon and Seacrest is getting worse. And yes, I do think its real, because I can FEEL Simons contempt and anger toward Ryan. I feel it because I have that same anger. One of my favorite moments last night was when Ryan got a bit too close and Simon shooed him away like a pet dog:"Stay. Stay. Now sit. Good boy." So condescendingly funny. And speaking of Simon, anyone else noticing that anytime there is a camera shot of him, KARA is also in it like a tiny little insect in the corner? She is a big ole horndog this season. First she practically mentally rapes contestant Casey James during auditons and the first couple episodes ever, and now she is all over Simon every night, draping her whole body around his every chance she gets. Her FACE is right next to his all the time, and their chairs get closer and closer with each camera shot. It looks like Randy and Ellen are seated in a different stratosphere altogether. I dont know what it is about Kara, but I dont like her. Wait, I do know what it is. Shes annoying, and she resembles a cross-eyed Muppet.

Now, onto the mostly awful performances and "mentoring" Miley:

1. LEE DEWYZE: Sang The Letter. Through most of his performance, he looked like he was going into cardiac arrest or moments from a stroke with all the flailing about and such, but I did think it was a pretty good choice of song for him and I have to say I liked the version musically. His voice sounded good and it wasnt awful. But Im not pickin up the phone for that. Well, I dont pick up the phone for any of em honestly, but lets just say hypothetically that I DID vote, I wouldnt vote for him.

2. PAIGE MILES: Or, as I like to call her, "Ole Bug Eyes." Seriously, Im at the point now where I just automatically fast -forward her on my DVR (does anyone really watch this show live??? If you do, youre nuts to sit through commercials and endless boring Seacrest after-performance ego-banter) So, I fast forwarded her like usual, until I heard all the hilarious comments from the judges about how AWFUL she was. So of course I had to go back and hear for myself. Let me just say the combination of the horrific Phil Collins song "Against All Odds" and her singing it in about 19 different keys, each one being off-pitch, was mind-boggling. For the love of pitch, send this chick home already.

3. TIM URBAN: This kids mere floppy hairdo existance pisses me off. I dont even know why really. I think he was put here to annoy me. Anyway, he sang Queens Crazy Little Thing Called Love. My husband and I kept singing it with him with new lyrics "this thing...called votes...it keeps me here... I suck...cant sing... but girls...they keep me here...crazy that Im on this show..." All the slip sliding on the stage and the hand-grabs with the dummies in the audience, what was that about? Ick. So cheesy cheesy cheesy. I felt like I was watching Davy Jones performing at Marcia Bradys prom. Yuck.


4. AARON KELLY: Okay, remember when I said that Tim Urbans mere existance pissed me off? Yeah, well, strike that. The fact that Aaron Kelly lives pisses me off more. When Ellen said "what are you in the 3rd grade?" that was very funny. He looks like he is eleven, and grins stupidly ALL THE TIME. And Im sorry, but watching a child sing Aerosmiths Dont Wanna Miss A Thing is just extremely silly. I CANNOT take it seriously. And by the way, what the F was he wearing with the collars and sleeves from 1974? I have no idea why they liked this performance. It was retarded.

5. CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Turn up the volume, Crystal is singin Janis. There really are no words for how good this performance was and how incredibly naturally gifted this girl is. Just listen to her. Shes magnetic and just, well, awesome.

6. MICHAEL LYNCH: I think hes a close second to Crystal. I would LOVE to see a Crystal/Michael finale. His voice ... like buttah.

7. ANDREW GARCIA: First of all, he still looks like a giant walking loaf of bread to me. And secondly, can we PLEASE stop talking about his goddamn version of Paula Abduls "Straight Up?" Seriously, they bring it up on EVERY episode. Enough. Yes, it was very creative, it was his moment, but its been over for almost a month now and he hasnt done anything else worth talking about since then. The reality is that he is a good, talented performer who got lost in the Top 12 and isnt standing out anymore. Lets all move on. Oh,and while rehearsing with his MENTOR Miley, he kept forgetting the words to Heard It Through the Grapevine. Really? Im sorry, but thats just sad. These kids are always forgetting lyrics to songs that have the simplest lyrics on earth. Gee, Im surprised that the genius Miley Cyrus couldnt help him with that problem. Or any problem. She was pointless.

8. KATIE STEVENS: Eh. Im tired of them telling her to be younger. What do they want her to do, show up in a diaper and sing Daddys Little Girl? In any case, Im really bored with her. She DOES come across like a Beauty Pagent Contestant and although she has a really nice voice, its really unoriginal and I cant see ever buying her albums. She sang Fergie's ....eh...does it really even matter? Yawn.

9. CASEY JAMES: Ill give this one about a B+. I really like him, and not just because hes beyond cute in the same way Brad Pitt was beyond cute in "Thelma and Louise" all those years ago, but because his voice is really good. And because he is really very cute. And good. And by that I mean cute.

10. DIDI BENAMI: Hmmm. I go back and forth with her. I think her voice is so unique and sometimes fantastic. Then other times, like on this song, it just sounds all over the place. I hope she stays though because she has a lot of talent and is waay less annoying than some of these other twerps.

11. SIOBHAN MAGNUS: Sigh. Okay. I know everyones making a huge deal about how great she is, and how unique and different, and she is. Really. But, as Kara says "heres the thing..." The first time she did that scream/piercingly high note at the end of a song, it was very impressive and organic. It felt like it belonged in the song, and it sounded incredible. The second time she did it, it felt forced and pushed, and like "where the hell did THAT come from?" It was unnecessary. The third time she did that note, last night, it made me want to punch her in the face repeatedly until her silly, too large glasses fall off her weirdly shaped head. Seriously. Its enough already with the high note. We get it. You can sing Mariah-style at the drop of a hat. Its just not that impressive or appealing when you do it in EVERY SONG. Aside form that, I thought her performance of Superstition was actually quite good. I love her voice and she is wonderful at giving the audience something different each time. Sometimes the whole quirkyness thing feels a little bit pushed to me though.

And there you have it. How was Miley Cyrus as a mentor? She sucked. I cant name one thing she said to those people that had any value whatsoever. She basically gave them lots of generic advice like "Yeah you sound great, just believe in yourself more and youll be golden!" or "Wow youre really good. Just go out there and dont suck as much as me and youll be great!" Okay, that was actually good advice.

Who is going home? Well, hopefully itll be between Ole Bug Eyes Paige and Tweedle Dork and Tweedle Dorkier (Tim and Aaron.) Or the loaf of bread. Its hard to say.