I am a comedian, and sometimes I write humorous blogs or satirical articles on my blogpage and/or facebook page. I do this for fun, and because most people like reading them. Most people comprehend the simple idea of comedy.
About a month ago; my friend Jen Pierce asked me if I would like to be a guest blogger on her site. http://piercework.typepad.com. As my first blog, we decided to rewrite and post my "Top 11 list of the Most Annoying Facebook Status Messages." The list had previously received quite a few comments and admiration from people who have a sense of humor over on facebook, so we figured the fine people who read Jen's blog might also appreciate a fun, and clearly humorous list. Well, for the most part, we were correct. But as we all know, there is always one person who has to spoil all the fun. In real life, these are usually the morons who ruin the flow of group conversation by not getting the obvious joke that everyone else gets, or by trying to put in their very unfunny and lame two cents, which often results in awkward silence and an early night. In real life, these people are called douchebags or jackasses. Online - they are called TROLLS.
You all know what a troll is. Trolls are those losers who "troll" the internet, looking for things to comment on in a negative and annoying manner. Trolls never have anything intelligent to say; they only want to irritate people and spread their pointless drivel through an anonymous screenname that they can hide behind such as "nunya." What is a nunya, you may ask? I have absolutely no idea. But whatever it is, it must know how much I love Christmas and how much I loooooove mocking ridiculous trolls. Because this year, my very first Christmas gift came very early in the form of a troll named "nunya." This "nunya" person left the following hilarious comment on my above-mentioned "Top 11 Most Annoying Facebook Status Messages" blog. Normally; it is a good idea to follow the "Don't Feed the Trolls" rule and leave something like this alone; but it's Christmas!!! So, in the spirit of Christmas and jolly-good fun; I present to you the troll comment, along with my response. Enjoy with a mug of eggnog.
NUNYA SAID: I like how you bitch about people, who you have added to your facebook, posting stupid messages, and yet, #8 befuddles me.
"I suppose Im supposed to give a crap what it is you are OVER,right? Guess what? I don't. Don't care. Could care less."
What "Could care less."? The trees? Snow? Some random person walking down the street? Let's assume you have a subject in mind and it is in fact, you. Even with an actual sentence being formed, "I could care less", I seriously doubt that is what you meant. Because that statement infers that you care enough for there to be room to care even less than you do right now.
The correct term is "I could not care less" or possibly, for the contractioners out there, "I couldn't care less". Maybe, instead of bitching about things you have brought upon yourself... you should pick up a book and learn syntax, yes?
END NUNYA'S COMMENT.
Wow. Someone has a lot of time on their hands, and that someone's name is "nunya." Let me tell you, dear nunya, I have a few theories about people like you. Trolls. To me, trolls are most likely in one of three scenarios:
1. A pre-teen or "tween" smartass who is extremely unpopular at school and wants desperately to be liked and/or recognized for something; anything.
2. A loser male, somewhere between the ages of 20-45, who is unemployed, a chronic masturbator, and living in his mom's basement indefinately.
3. An older woman, most likely married, whose dreams have never been realized and who lives in a world of hurt and extreme bitterness.
I truly believe that most people who troll internet sites to make stupid comments like yours, must have pretty unfulfilling lives. I also have a few questions for you and everyone out there like you: Exactly how much time out of your day did you devote to over-analyzing and ripping apart my blog? Seriously. Was it 10 minutes? An hour? Several hours? How do you know which people to target on any given day? There are thousands and thousands of blogs out there. There are also message boards, videos, articles, and many other forms of written internet variety. Why did my blog get your attention? Did a simple little grammatical error really make you that upset or affected that you just couldnt let it go? Perhaps I was one of your many targets. Maybe after you were finished critiquing my blog, you then went over to YouTube and watched a few videos over there. Maybe you are one of those same morons that watches a comedy video, and then underneath, makes the most assanine comment such as "you're fat", "u guys suck", or "this video is dum."
(by the way nunya -- I mispelled certain words and used common textspeak in those previous examples ON PURPOSE, in order to demonstrate comedy. Just didn't want to confuse you.)
What motivates one to do such a thing as this? How many other blogs and message boards have you soiled with your unintentionally hilarious comments? Is this a hobby for you? A part-time job perhaps? Your only job? What is the goal here exactly? I really am curious. What is it that you trolls are hoping to accomplish when you go off unnecessarily on someone like this? Do you think the author of the blog is going to say "Gee whiz Nunya, you are correct! You have changed my entire way of thinking. Thank you, oh Great and Powerful Internet One, for showing me the errors of my ways." Do you expect other anonymous screennames to rally behind you and type feverishly about how ingenius you are? And more importantly, how do you feel when it is all over? Once you have typed out your stupid lecture via keyboard, and your anger has subsided, what happens then? Do you start sobbing uncontrollably into a generic tissue because your daddy never hugged you enough as a child?
I would imagine that people such as yourself are extremely insecure and unhappy. Why else would you waste any of your time in life breaking down the "syntax" of a total stranger's blog? Why? It makes no sense to me. In addition to you being an unhappy soul, I also imagine that you are quite angry as well. My Top 11 List of Annoying Facebook Statuses was CLEARLY a humorous piece. Now, whether or not you found it funny is really irrelevant. Obviously you did not. That is fine. But many others did, and I don't recall ANY of the several comments I received on my facebook page being even the slightest bit angry or rude. People read it, laughed, and added their own examples to the list. That is how a normal, sane person responds to a lighthearted blog. Now, someone who does not have a sense of humor in any way, shape or form would respond to a fun blog by accusing the author of "bitching." Twice. First you said that I was "bitching about people" and then you said I was "bitching about things I have brought upon" myself. So that is two times you felt the need to use the word bitching as a verb to describe ME. The ironic thing is that my blog was just me having some fun. I was joking around. You, on the other hand, were doing a whole lot of bitching. And at the end of the day, it is pretty lame and pathetic that of ALL the things going on in the world and in the universe, you chose THIS topic and this subject to get all up in arms about? Really? I mean, seriously? Not global warming, or equal rights, or national healthcare??? But THIS? This is where you choose to take a stance on something? For real? Wow.
So, nunya, I ask you ... Don't you feel just a tiny bit silly?
By the way, you'd better log off the computer now. I think your mommy is calling you for dinner. Steak-Umms.
I hope my syntax was correct in that last sentence. I may lose sleep over it.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Public Displays of FRUIT EATING
So, I promised you people that in blog number two, I would discuss the very important topic of people who eat fruit in public places. And so now I am here to deliver on that promise. Because I, Kelley Lynn Niemi, am a woman of my word. And when I say I will discuss fruit, BY GODFREY, I will discuss fruit! Just try and stop me!!! No, really. Try and stop me. I dare you. You will fail, and I will conquer.
I love fruit. And I love public places. I just don't think they belong together. Why? Well, to put it simply, you look disgusting and gross when you are eating your piece of fruit in public. Trust me. You do. You look horrific. And you sound awful. And the whole thing just makes me feel sick to my stomache, to be honest. Let me break this down for you by going over the typical fruits I seem to witness other people eating in public places, and why it bothers me:
1. THE APPLE: Apples are delicious. They are probably my all-time favorite fruit. I love putting them in salads, cutting them into homemade chicken-salad, putting them in stuffing, and eating them just plain. However; when I eat an apple; I cut it up into thin slices and then pick up those slices and eat them. Why? Because even in the privacy of my own home where noone else can see me, I would disgust MYSELF if I were to pick up an apple and simply bite into it. So, dear stranger ... when you do this in a public place such as on a subway or train or in an office or wherever else; it makes me want to jump out a window. Or throw you out one. Actually, that would be easier. Why should I die because of your apple eating ways? Let's not get crazy.
Why is the public apple-eating so neauseating? Well; for one thing, it makes the most disgusting sound when you bring it up to your mouth and bite into it. And this doesn't happen only ONCE. No,no,no. This biting process happens over and over and over again, until the apple is gone. And each time I have to hear that crunch/bite sound, it comes along with your spit and your slobbering all over that apple. Trust me, it is not a pleasant thing to have to hear. And guess what? It is extremely LOUD each time you do this. I hate when someone eats an apple in a normally quiet place, like a library, and you just hear nothing but chomp, chomp, chomp, crunch, crunch, crunch. Gross. Secondly; it LOOKS nasty when you are chomping on this apple, with your stupid wet, spit-stained napkin underneath it; and with you twirling the apple into different positions, and turning your neck and head into all kinds of wacky angles so you can bite into it just right. It is such a turn-off to watch that nonsense. I just want to put you into a private room with no windows until you have finished your apple-eating sins, and washed yourself up. Then you may return to earth with the rest of civilization. But please, for the Love of God, throw away that core first, cuz that's my third complaint about the apple. That awful core that seems to end up in the bottom of your purse, or wrapped inside of a napkin somewhere. Do NOT make me look at that core with the remaining brown apple remnants. Get rid of that evidence. It is just not right.
2. THE BANANA: Let's not pretend to be mature here. I don't care what you say or how much you may accuse me of being ridiculous; but the fact is that when you peel and then eat a banana, it is very phallic. I am sorry, but it just looks like you are going down on some dude with a very yellow schlong. It just does. It does not matter if you are male or female. In fact, it is intensely funnier if you are male and peeling, then eating a banana. I giggle to myself when men eat bananas in public. I giggle harder when the man is very serious looking and perhaps wearing an expensive suit, tie, and removes the banana from a leather briefcase. Please don't try to look businesslike and important while putting your lips around a banana. You look silly, and I cannot take you seriously while you eat your banana. Perhaps we can discuss mergers and taxes and real estate AFTER you have finished your banana, because right now, Im much too busy laughing at you.
3. THE PEACH and/or PLUM: This is the fruit that grosses me out the most whenever I witness public eating of it. It contains so much juice and wetness and things that squirt when you eat it, that, really, it should only be consumed while at home with the doors locked and chained. Whenever someone bites into a peach or plum, their entire face and chin gets all glossy and yucky and sticky looking, and it is so unbelievably unappetizing to see. This is the female version of the banana. Eating a peach looks as if you are ... well... eating a peach. And really; who in life except for the one person you are most intimate with; EVER needs to see your face all covered in goop? Not ME, thank you very much. Not me. Eat your peaches at home people. I am begging you.
4. WATERMELON: This is probably the most universally accepted and eaten fruit in public. Picnics, BBQ's, pool parties ... watermelon is the perfect summer fruit. It is super delicious and I rarely can get enough of it. Good stuff. However; I cut up my watermelon into small slices or cubes, or I buy it that way at the store. Why? Because its absolutely disgusting to sit there and shove your entire FACE and person into a slice of watermelon that is shaped like a half-moon and that is covering your face in slop, seeds, and stickyness. YUCK!!! Whenever watermelon is served that way, I still take a knife and cut it into individual cubes and eat it like that. I'm not forcing my head into a semi-circle of syrupy-sweet headgear, only to come out looking like a 5 year old who can't eat without covering his or her face in food. What am I, an animal? No, dammit. Cut up that melon like a human with some manners. And get a fork while you're at it.
The above fruits mentioned are, by far, the most obvious in the list of Evil public fruit-eating. However; equally disgusting fruits include grapefruit, oranges, and mango. These fruits should also not be eaten in public places, especially by amateurs. Cutting into a grapefruit in front of others is not only intrusive, but can also be quite dangerous. Oranges involve MUCH too much effort and work and time to be a good public fruit, and mangos are just waaay too messy. Therefore, the only fruit I can see eating in public that would not be gross or nasty in any way, shape, or form, would be A. some sort of fruit salad or fruits that have already been cut up into cubes or small pieces and are inside tupperwear-like containers, or B. grapes. Grapes are small and fit beautifully into a ziploc baggie where you can then reach your hand into and eat them quietly and politely. Grapes aren't out to hurt or offend anyone. Grapes are your friend. Well, okay. They are not your friend. Let's not get carried away here. If you are actually friends with a grape, please seek help immediately.
Now that you all know which fruits to never again eat in public because they disgust Kelley, I hope that we can all be a happier, healthier nation. I appreciate your support in making this a brighter world for me to live in.
I love fruit. And I love public places. I just don't think they belong together. Why? Well, to put it simply, you look disgusting and gross when you are eating your piece of fruit in public. Trust me. You do. You look horrific. And you sound awful. And the whole thing just makes me feel sick to my stomache, to be honest. Let me break this down for you by going over the typical fruits I seem to witness other people eating in public places, and why it bothers me:
1. THE APPLE: Apples are delicious. They are probably my all-time favorite fruit. I love putting them in salads, cutting them into homemade chicken-salad, putting them in stuffing, and eating them just plain. However; when I eat an apple; I cut it up into thin slices and then pick up those slices and eat them. Why? Because even in the privacy of my own home where noone else can see me, I would disgust MYSELF if I were to pick up an apple and simply bite into it. So, dear stranger ... when you do this in a public place such as on a subway or train or in an office or wherever else; it makes me want to jump out a window. Or throw you out one. Actually, that would be easier. Why should I die because of your apple eating ways? Let's not get crazy.
Why is the public apple-eating so neauseating? Well; for one thing, it makes the most disgusting sound when you bring it up to your mouth and bite into it. And this doesn't happen only ONCE. No,no,no. This biting process happens over and over and over again, until the apple is gone. And each time I have to hear that crunch/bite sound, it comes along with your spit and your slobbering all over that apple. Trust me, it is not a pleasant thing to have to hear. And guess what? It is extremely LOUD each time you do this. I hate when someone eats an apple in a normally quiet place, like a library, and you just hear nothing but chomp, chomp, chomp, crunch, crunch, crunch. Gross. Secondly; it LOOKS nasty when you are chomping on this apple, with your stupid wet, spit-stained napkin underneath it; and with you twirling the apple into different positions, and turning your neck and head into all kinds of wacky angles so you can bite into it just right. It is such a turn-off to watch that nonsense. I just want to put you into a private room with no windows until you have finished your apple-eating sins, and washed yourself up. Then you may return to earth with the rest of civilization. But please, for the Love of God, throw away that core first, cuz that's my third complaint about the apple. That awful core that seems to end up in the bottom of your purse, or wrapped inside of a napkin somewhere. Do NOT make me look at that core with the remaining brown apple remnants. Get rid of that evidence. It is just not right.
2. THE BANANA: Let's not pretend to be mature here. I don't care what you say or how much you may accuse me of being ridiculous; but the fact is that when you peel and then eat a banana, it is very phallic. I am sorry, but it just looks like you are going down on some dude with a very yellow schlong. It just does. It does not matter if you are male or female. In fact, it is intensely funnier if you are male and peeling, then eating a banana. I giggle to myself when men eat bananas in public. I giggle harder when the man is very serious looking and perhaps wearing an expensive suit, tie, and removes the banana from a leather briefcase. Please don't try to look businesslike and important while putting your lips around a banana. You look silly, and I cannot take you seriously while you eat your banana. Perhaps we can discuss mergers and taxes and real estate AFTER you have finished your banana, because right now, Im much too busy laughing at you.
3. THE PEACH and/or PLUM: This is the fruit that grosses me out the most whenever I witness public eating of it. It contains so much juice and wetness and things that squirt when you eat it, that, really, it should only be consumed while at home with the doors locked and chained. Whenever someone bites into a peach or plum, their entire face and chin gets all glossy and yucky and sticky looking, and it is so unbelievably unappetizing to see. This is the female version of the banana. Eating a peach looks as if you are ... well... eating a peach. And really; who in life except for the one person you are most intimate with; EVER needs to see your face all covered in goop? Not ME, thank you very much. Not me. Eat your peaches at home people. I am begging you.
4. WATERMELON: This is probably the most universally accepted and eaten fruit in public. Picnics, BBQ's, pool parties ... watermelon is the perfect summer fruit. It is super delicious and I rarely can get enough of it. Good stuff. However; I cut up my watermelon into small slices or cubes, or I buy it that way at the store. Why? Because its absolutely disgusting to sit there and shove your entire FACE and person into a slice of watermelon that is shaped like a half-moon and that is covering your face in slop, seeds, and stickyness. YUCK!!! Whenever watermelon is served that way, I still take a knife and cut it into individual cubes and eat it like that. I'm not forcing my head into a semi-circle of syrupy-sweet headgear, only to come out looking like a 5 year old who can't eat without covering his or her face in food. What am I, an animal? No, dammit. Cut up that melon like a human with some manners. And get a fork while you're at it.
The above fruits mentioned are, by far, the most obvious in the list of Evil public fruit-eating. However; equally disgusting fruits include grapefruit, oranges, and mango. These fruits should also not be eaten in public places, especially by amateurs. Cutting into a grapefruit in front of others is not only intrusive, but can also be quite dangerous. Oranges involve MUCH too much effort and work and time to be a good public fruit, and mangos are just waaay too messy. Therefore, the only fruit I can see eating in public that would not be gross or nasty in any way, shape, or form, would be A. some sort of fruit salad or fruits that have already been cut up into cubes or small pieces and are inside tupperwear-like containers, or B. grapes. Grapes are small and fit beautifully into a ziploc baggie where you can then reach your hand into and eat them quietly and politely. Grapes aren't out to hurt or offend anyone. Grapes are your friend. Well, okay. They are not your friend. Let's not get carried away here. If you are actually friends with a grape, please seek help immediately.
Now that you all know which fruits to never again eat in public because they disgust Kelley, I hope that we can all be a happier, healthier nation. I appreciate your support in making this a brighter world for me to live in.
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