Monday, May 3, 2010

AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW -The "Crash this TWAIN into a Truck because this is the blandest Episode Ever" Episode

Holy Shania! I would have written this review sooner, but I just woke up from my nap. Normally I have all kinds of trouble sleeping, but this episode of Idol was so bland and uninteresting (just like Shania Twain), that I had no problem at all.

Seacrest opened the show by giving the six remaining contestants cutesy introductions: "A salesman -- a glassblower --- an absentee father ---- a painter --- a joker --- a smoker --- a lover--- a fighter --- and me; an Asshole. I'm Ryan Seacrest, and THIS ---- is American Idol!!!!"

Then he introduced us to the judges, and that frightening thing around Kara's neck.

And then he announced that the Idol hopefuls would be mentored by Shania Twain (yawn), AND that they would be singing her songs. (really?) I will admit Im not a country fan, so Im probably biast, but I do like some country. Real country. Old-school country, like Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton, Johny Cash, etc etc. I am not a fan of most modern country. But even more, I am soooooo not a fan of Shania Twain. In fact, I will go so far as to say I hate her music. I find it boring, shallow, meaningless, and lacking of all soul. Basically, shes a cute girl who makes sexy videos and nothing more. Her songs are terrible. So to hear that the Idols would be singing her songs only made me incredibly frustRATED (as Simon says.) I just kept thinking "Oh wow, Im going to hate everyone tonight." And honestly, I wasnt too far off. Sitting through this episode was a bit like watching one hour of different people getting up onstage and scraping their nails on a chalkboard, and then having someone go "Okay, so which one did you like best?" Well, they ALL were terribly uncomfortable and BAD because its nails on a chalkboard. But, if youre going to demand I give you an answer as to who was best at that, well then I guess Ill go with Crystal, Casey and Mike. So lets begin .....

LEE: Youre Still the One. The judges liked this for some reason. I, on the other hand, thought he sounded like a dump truck driving down a dirt road and constantly shifting gears; using a stick shift. It sounded to me like he was singing 5 different songs and kept changing keys. Very weird, not pleasant, and a little bit ear-piercing. I did not enjoy this performance at ALL. And when Randy said its one of the greatest written songs of all time, I sort of wanted to puke. No. Its an overplayed mess of a cheesy song that about 4 million people have used as their wedding song. Actually, the only time I hear this song is at a cheesy wedding, or at the dentist office. This is dentist office music. Yuck.

MIKE: It Only Hurts When I Breathe. Okay. I thought he did a lovely job with this song, but again, didnt like the song. At all. Sitting through this episode was painful, but Mikes performance was one of the least offensive ones in a night full of crap. And then Simon called it "wet." Okay Simon. Sure.

CASEY: Don't. As in, don't ever leave my tv screen you sexy man. He wore his hair down tonight which I quite enjoy. His hair really DOES glisten in the stagelights, Im not joking. Look at it next time. His performance was nice as well, but again, the song sucked.

CRYSTAL: Noone Needs to Know. I liked the jam feel of her performance, and it was really the only one that felt "country" to me. I liked that she chose a song with a bit of a bluesy, happy feel.

Kara's "answering her own Question" moment: Kara always does this. She asks and then answers her own questions. She did it with Crystal and she does it all the time. "Did I like it? Yes I did. Was it your best performance? No." See a shrink lady.

THE CHILD: You Got A Way. For some unknown reason, the judges went absolutely apeshit over this performance, as if it were the most wondrous thing they have ever heard in their lives. Ummm, he was offkey and sounded horrible and shaky. And once again ---that song is waaay too serious for an 8 year old. The way you hold me, love me, etc etc .... and then the topper. He says "I was singing about my mom." Well, let me just say on behalf of all humans everywhere .... Eeeewwww!!! Your MOM? Are you kidding me? That song is clearly a love song, he had to take OUT the phrase "making love to you" so he could make it about his MOM. They all went on and on about how "sincere" he was. Ummm, yeah, of course he was sincere. He was singing to his MOMMY!!! He is a freakin child singing to his mommy. Somebody please get this kid off the stage immediately. Im starting to get really worried that hes going to be around in the final four. Or two. Or ONE. Really. Its a concern.

SIOBAN: Any Man of Mine. They went mental over her as well, and I dont get why. Once again, I found her screaming note at the end to be forced and phony, and not at all coming from a real place. It felt like it didnt fit with the song. And the whole thing felt so kareoke to me. The weird outfit from 1984, the kneesocks, the white, and her whacked out hair again. And those nutty eyes of hers. I swear she murders people at night. She cuts them with her sharp teeth and then stares at them with those creepy big eyes and screams long-winded notes into their ears until they beg to be killed.

Thats sort of how I felt tonight through this entire episode. I just wanted it to end already. Make it stop. Please.

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