Wednesday, April 21, 2010

AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW- The "Not Inspirational at All" Episode

Oh, where oh where to begin? Let us begin at the end of the road for two contestants. Last week, we lost Katie Boring Stevens (yawn), and The Loaf of Bread finally reached his expiration date as well. So what could be worse than losing two - TWO - Idol hopefuls? How about the possibility of losing three? Oh, didnt you hear? Didnt you hear the "story" that was plastered all over the internet, the news, the freakin NY Post for Christ Sakes, and about 35 other places it shouldnt have been? Didnt you hear about how Crystal Bowersox was planning on quitting --yes, QUITTING, the show --that is, until hero Ryan Seacrest "talked her down" and into remaining a contestant? In what was one of the most obvious, phony, transparent publicity stunts ever thrown together, Ryan "I Need Attention!" Seacrest hammered it into everyones brain that Crystal was seconds away from walking off the show, until he talked her into staying. Sure you did Seacrest. Just like you were the REAL hero in the Anne Frank story who never got any credit; or the never-before seen Captain Seacrest - Sully's copilot who advised him it would be best to land in the Hudson. Now that I think about it; was it not you, Seacrest, who also put the bomp in the bompabompabomp? And hey, didnt you cure polio all those years ago? You know, a little band called "The Beatles" would have never happened had it not been for the talk they had with a then-infant Seacrest, who told them "ga ga ga ba ba BAAAA!!!", which of course, means, "write an album called Abby Road." We get it Ryan. You are a hero. If and when Crystal makes it bigtime, YOU are the one to thank. Wow, Im getting tears in my eyes just typing this .... sniff sniff.

Now for the actual story. Bowersox was feeling a tad emotional after last weeks show and missing her son. Thats IT. Apparently she said to Ryan something along the lines of "I really miss my son." Then later, she was quoted as saying, "I never had any intention of leaving the show. I was just having a moment, thats ALL. THen suddenly it was all over the media that I wanted to leave. I dont know where they got that from." Hmmm, gee, I wonder who leaked THAT Story. I have a guess, and his initials are R.S. (and he's a douchebag.)

But enough about THAT. Now onto the episode ....

We start with Ryan and those damn stairs. Then he lines up the remaining 7 contestants and talks in a dramatic fashion while weaving in and out behind their heads. Seacrest then informs us that this will be "Songs of Inspiration" Week and that their mentor will be Alicia Keys. Ah, songs of inspiration ... so, kind of like that annoying, grating "Lets hear it for New Yaaaaahhhhhhhkkkk....the city lights will inSPIRE you....." Inspring in that way? Oh good. I cannot wait to be inspired. Pass the Excedrin.

CASEY: Dont Stop by Fleetwood Mac. Except I really wish he would stop, because this was not his week. First of all, he looks like he was attacked with a can of fake spray-tan in the face. Secondly, the best part of that performance was the guitar licks, and there werent nearly enough of them. And third, he needs to start wearing his hair down again. I need to see the flowing locks of Casey in order to feel joy in my life. Seriously though, I like this guy. Hes talented. I just always find myself wishing that he would keep doing everything that he's doing, but multiply it by about 100.

Dumbass Ellen Comment: "We have to be stricter, because someone is going to go home each and every week now..." Right. Just like they have every single week up until now. Thats kind of how it works Ellen. Someone always goes home. Pay attention.

LEE: The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel. His hair looked like he had a mini-baseball mound atop his head. Other than that though, this was a kick-ass performance by him. Perfect song choice for his style and voice, and it was the first time Ive heard him sing where I would actually buy the single. In fact, I just might download it off itunes tonight. Excellent job.

Stupid Lee Comment: During the mentor video, Lee said of Alicia's advice: "She made a really great point which was to remember what the song is about so I'm gonna do that." Really Lee? THAT'S a great point? It's sort of obvious, isn't it? You really can't figure that one out on your own? Lee is not the sharpest tool in the box.

TURBAN: Does it really matter what he sang? He is the Nilla Wafer of performers. It had so little effect on me that I actually have no comment. Let's move on.

Seacrest Lame Joke: "You're always so cool Tim. You're Gaspacho. Youre a cold soup."

(Sound of crickets. Noone laughs.)

THE CHILD: Seacrest introduced the Child by saying "he's been singing this song since he was 5 years old..." Oh, so , since last month then? The Child chose to sing R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly," which makes total sense, since R.Kelly peed on a child about Aaron's age and then videotaped it. Very inspirational indeed. I'll be honest; I laughed through this entire performance. The whole thing struck me as funny. First I kept picturing R. Kelly peeing all over The Child as he sang. Then I started listening to the lyrics the Child was warbling,and they struck me as funny. "I used to think that I could not go on..." You USED to think? You're 7. When did you used to think anything? What exactly have you been through? Well, other than R. Kelly pissing on you of course. Then came this line "..and life was just another awful song." Oh, you mean kind of like THIS awful song? I feel ya dog. Let's just stop singing right now, shall we Child? Hate to break it to ya, but No, you cannot fly. You cannot touch the sky. In fact, you probably cant even reach the top shelf to get that cookie you really really want up there.

SIOBHAN: Sigh. That might be my new name for her. Just "Sigh." Because everytime she comes on lately, I just let out a big sort of sigh ... Im kind of tired of her. Just everything about her is a little bit annoying and off-putting and a little bit scary even. Her eyebrows scare me. Her EYES freak me out. Her TEETH freak me out. And that 80's shiny lipgloss. And seriously --what the HELL was she wearing??? In her hair, on her shoulder, on her wrist, on her legs ... EVERYWHERE. Good Lord! I get that she has her own unique style, but she is starting to resemble some sort of tree where bird's nest. Cant you just throw ona nice black dress sometimes and make your hair not look .... like THAT? And She gives these intense looks like shes looking right through your soul. And the way she talks is really starting to get on my nerves, with the bizarre pauses in the strangest places, like right in the middle of the sentence, over and over again. "I ....... ..... didn' who the song to how I I I sung................the song....and,and,and........" OH JESUS CHRIST SPIT IT OUT!!!

Yeah, Im just way over her. Talented girl, just not for me.

JUST MIKE: I didnt like this song at all, so I sort of zoned out. It wasnt bad, and it wasnt good. It was just sort of there. Like bread. Like a loaf of bread. Oh wait, he's gone.

BOWERSOX: People Get Ready. Brilliant accapella. I am starting to feel like a broken record with how much I love her, but I cannot help it. I LOVE HER!!!! She is insanely good, and this was absolutely one of my favorite performances by her. AND it was one of the ONLY songs of the night that was ACTUALLY inspirational. Most of those songs were not inspirational at all. These people do not know how to follow the rules. But Bowersox's song was a great ending, in an otherwise mediocre show.

Best of the Night: BOWERSOX AND LEE.

Special BONUS BLOG this week on the IDOL GIVES BACK show. Stay tuned....

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