Saturday, April 17, 2010

American Idol Review - The "Elvis Sits up from Grave to scream 'WTF?' " Episode

Well IDOL lovers; it is time yet again for another write-up of tonight's happenings. Here we go ....

Bring on the dead!!! What better way to top Lennon/McCartney Week, than to continue to stomp on the memories of legends, who cannot fight back? Thats right folks; tonight was Elvis Presley night. And who better to mentor on behalf of The King than .... last year's non-winner Adam Lambert??? Yes. I know that whenever I think of Elvis, I immediately think ADAM LAMBERT!!! Don't you? Doesn't everyone??? What the hell does Adam Lambert have to do with Elvis? Oh well. At least it wasn't Miley Cyrus again. Let's move on.

Tonight's episode begins once again with an overdramatic Seacrest coming down a set of stairs, while surrounded by what seems to be a beam or HALO of light from above. He descended downward the stairway from Heaven, where he then met with his minions here on earth ...the contestants. At this point, Seacrest inexplicably started high-fiving some random girl in the audience, while simultaneously and embarassingly shouting at her "Wasup? Wasup? Wasupppp?" At this point, we are about 3 minutes into the show and I am already highly annoyed and out for Seacrest blood. And then it got weird. He proceeded to go into the crowd, and introduce Lambert, whom he then sat next to in a way-too-close manner. The two exchanged pleasantries about Lambert's album, how he enjoyed mentoring, and most importantly, whose tongue was more talented. I think Seacrest had a boner.

Then, after flirting like the gayboy he is with Adam Lambert, Seacrest sat next to his weird Mommy in the audience and had her introduce one of the acts. Not sure what the point of this was, other than to melt the audiences heartstrings, like "Awwww, Seacrest has a mom!!!!!" It didnt work. At all. Now I STILL hate you, and I kinda hate your mom for birthing you.

There were more awkward Seacrest moments, but for now, let's get right to the performances:

1. BOWERSOX: I am just calling her Bowersox from now on. Deal with it. Sox chose the song "Saved" which is one of Elvis's lesser known gospel-bluesy numbers. I love her just for choosing this song that noone even knows, and I love her ten times more for killin it on the electric guitar, and twenty times more than that for her kick-ass rockin voice. Again. Bowersox is just plain awesome, and like every week, I found myself cranking up the volume while she sang. And really, it kind of went downhill from there. Or at the very least, it flatlined .......

Next up; Ryan asked "What happens when Andrew rocks Elvis?" The answer to that is nothing. Nothing at all happens, except for another mediocre unmemorable performance ...

2. LOAF OF BREAD: (Andrew Garcia) Sang "Hounddog." Well, he "crooned" it with a 1940s style microphone and a very strange rendition that was sooooo slow and almost sounded like he was talking. "Youuuuuuuu aint. nothin. butttt. a . hounddddd. doggggggggg." Every syllable was somehow five syllables and every word was stretched out into eternity. This song seemed like eternity. Not fun. The loaf of bread is starting to get on my nerves now. Oh, and Simon was right, so STOP booing everytime the man speaks.

DUMB SEACREST COMMENT: After the Loaf performed, Seacrest asked this brilliant question to Simon:"Now why is it that you and Ellen see things differently?" Ummmm, gee, I dunno ... it's called A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION, you idiot!!!! Is he really shocked that all the judges dont agree? He always acts shocked and has to ask them to analyze everything so he can get even more ego-air-time.

3. TIM URBAN: Sigh. Seacrest introduced Tim by referring to him as "TURBAN." I honestly wanted to stab him through my television set somehow. This was the last straw. Really Ryan? Turban? Stop trying to create some cool, hip nickname for Tim by meshing his first and last name together. He isn't J-Lo or Brangelina. He is just TIM. He is not even close to cool enough to be worthy of a nickname. And even if he was, Turban certainly would not be the top choice.

So, Turban sang "Cant Help Falling In Love With You", and the way he pronounced the words "falling" like "faahhhhhllling" and "surely" like "shirley" really got on my nerves. Other than that, I really really really really really really really really really wanted to make fun of this performance, but in the end, it wasnt half bad. Now, Im not going to go and get all orgasmic about it like the judges do everytime this kid does the simplest thing ... but it was pretty good.

KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "That was very authentic, and also very real." Authentic and real mean the same damn thing, you moron.

4. LEE: I keep forgetting his last name, and who gives a shit. He did one of my favorite Elvis tunes "A Little Less Conversation". Great song, great choice for him, and really strong vocals. I thought he did a nice job with this, but wow, this kid ALWAYS looks stoned out of his mind. Just an observation.

Kara, however, thought his voice was "FIRE." That's her latest thing now. Everything is "fire" with her.

5. THE CHILD: (Aaron Kelly) In the rehearsal clips, The Child looked like he was about 6 yrs old standing next to Adam. Hilarious. I really really really really really wanted to make fun of this song too, so I will. "Blue Suede Shoes", sung by a 6year old. Interesting. Nothing he does can be taken seriously. I just keep picturing him eating cookies and drinking a tall glass of milk.

KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "You seemed younger tonight." Younger???? YOUNGER???? Is she on crack? Younger than what? HE's FIVE!!! How freakin young do you want him to be??? Freak.

6. SIOBHAN: I dont know if thats how you spell her damn name. Don't care. Its a stupid spelling of a stupid name. Im growing tired of her, and her hair is disturbing. She performed "Suspicious Minds" - another fave of mine - and although parts of it were nice - thats the problem. It was all a bit too nice for me. That song is dirty and bluesy and rockin. She sang it all a bit to controlled and cover band-ish. Also, it felt like she was singing three different songs/styles. It was all over the place.

WEIRD SEACREST COMMENT: When talking about the upcoming special IDOL GIVES BACK, Seacrest said that the host for the West Coast airing of that show would be Brian Dunkelman, then he took it back as a joke. Hmmmm, thats sort of mean-spirited dont you think? Poor Dunkelman is sitting at home broke as all hell, no ties to Idol left for him, and you cant even throw him a bone? You gotta mock him on national tv? Very odd.

7. MIKE LYNCH: "In The Ghetto." Okay, hold the phone. THIS is THE Elvis song .... I thought Mike's version was really relevant, heartbreaking, and hit on all the right notes. Im so glad they saved him, and I still think the top 2 should be him and Crystal. His voice ..... its like buttah.

8. KATIE BORING STEVENS: She did some sort of bluesy Elvis tune, which was a great song, but she somehow turned it vanilla again. She is trying, and I give her that. Her voice is very strong, pleasant, pretty ... all good things. I just wouldnt buy her album, and she does nothing for me on an excitment level. I always feel like Im watching the talent portion of a Beauty Pagent with her.

9. CASEY: Bluesy. Sexy. Hot! Mysterious. Gorgeous.
Oh, and the song wasn't half bad either. (rimshot)
He is so damn cute.

I think the Loaf of Bread should go home, but once again, Im perfectly happy to get rid of Tim, The Child, or the Bore Stevens too. Any of them leave, Im not complainin.

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