Saturday, April 17, 2010

American Idol Review - The "Paul McCartney Still Wont come on our Show" Episode

This week, the Idol contestants took on "Lennon/McCartney" songs. Again. I say that because this is about the 4th time, at least, in Idol history that they have done Lennon/McCartney or Beatles songs. Normally, the contestants sing "songs of Barry Manilow", for example, and lo and behold, Manilow shows up as that week's mentor for the kiddies. That is the protocol, and Idol has had some pretty legendary and/or big name mentors come on the show in the past; including Billy Joel, Elton John, Dolly Parton, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Neil Diamond, Smokey Robinson, Burt Bacharach, Stevie Wonder ...hell, even Quention Terantino was a mentor one week; which was just ... well... odd. But back to the point. Which is this. Every single time the Idol contestants take on Beatles songs, McCartney is nowhere to be found on the show. Lennon is dead, so he gets a free pass for not showing up. Same with George Harrison. Ringo and Paul, however, have yet to grace the Idol stage; yet the show continues to honor McCartney time and time again by covering (or in most cases, butchering) his songs. Last nights show was an improvement in the right direction, however, when they showed a short McCartney video where he wished the kiddies good luck on their performances. Hey, its a start. I guess Paul is very busy getting robbed by one-legged models and dead-too-early used-to-be-black white guys. What he SHOULD have said in that video was something along the lines of "HA! Im Paul f'ing McCartney goddamit! I dont have the time or interest to come on your gay little candy-ass talent show!" I have heard, however, that Yoko Ono is available, but Idol is not interested. (I have no facts to back that statement up, but Im just assuming its true.)

Okay. So we begin this weeks episode with Seacrest standing in the control room, and he actually says the following statement:

Seacrest: "Here I am inside the central nervous system of the show."

Really? The central nervous system??? What is this, NASA? No. Its not. So relax Ryan ... calm yourself down... take it down a notch. Its going to be okay. Every second of your time on the show doesnt HAVE to be overdramatic, or you trying to make the moment much more important than it really is. Sigh.
Okay, so then, after that happened, the judges were introduced and entered as if they were a gang coming at us, like in Michael Jacksons BEAT IT video. This was followed by stupid Seacrest walking dramatically down the giant staircase. Just once, ONCE!!!!, can Seacrest please fall down that staircase? Thats really all I ask for my personal entertainment. I dont think its too big of a dream.

Let the butchering of Beatles-music begin. (Surprisingly, it actually wasn't too bad.)

AARON KELLY: aka "The Child." The child went first tonight so that he could have his warm glass of milk and get to bed early, before his curfew. And of course, he HAD to perform one of my alltime favorite Beatles songs, The Long and Winding Road. And it was, at best, mediocre. What a bore this kid is, honestly. Even more annoying, he got the lyrics wrong twice. One time he sang "many times ago" as a lyric. Many times ago?? That doesnt even make sense idiot. I think you need some sleep. Go lie down for awhile in your Star Wars bunk bed and maybe you wont get voted off tonight. Ick.

KATIE BORING STEVENS: Thats actually her middle name. Boring. First of all, she looked like a giant bottle of Pepto-Bismol in that pink dress. Secondly, the fact that she has a very nice sounding voice and sings well really doesnt matter much, because there are about 400,000 people out there exactly like her, with the exact same pleasant sounding voice and yawn-like performances. So yes, she sang Let It Be very nicely .... but its kind of meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

Seacrest STUPID COMMENT to Katie: "Wow you have really grown physically since last week." Ummm, what? Is he eying the contestants puberty now? Creepy.

LOAF OF BREAD: sang Cant Buy Me Love and put his sillyass twist on it. It was pretty good, and definately corny. Im on the verge of sort of liking him, but I dont feel ready to commit. Hes okay. But really, ENOUGH with the "singing behind the judges" thing. Cant they get those judges a table that swivels so they dont have to watch the singers ass or watch on a tiny tv screen on their table? Thats lame.

MIKE LYNCH: I refuse to call him Big Mike,so its just Mike. I know the judges loved this performance and version of the song, but Eleanor Rigby is one of my favorite Beatles songs ever, and what I love about it is that its already so quirky and brilliantly written musically. So I didnt like all the changes Mike made to the songs arrangement. He sounded great, like he always does, and I really ama fan of his, just not this performance.

BOWERSOX: She rocked out on Come Together, and I absolutely loved the "dijidu" guy, Ernie. He was so cool and that instrument was so cool and different. Not Crystals best performance, but still excellent and I just love her soul that she adds to every single song. Ill say what I always say about her. She is just on a different level.

TIM URBAN: Christ. This kid gives a mediocre at best performance where he doesnt wobble and sing offkey, and they are all going mental like it was the greatest thing ever. It was just okay. Nothing spectacular, but it annoys me because it will ensure that he stays yet ANOTHER week undeserved, simply because he went from sucking to just barely not sucking. And hey Tim -- go ahead and turn your hair into a Beatles-do or wear an old suit or dress like Sgt. Pepper for all I care -- you still wont be the Beatles. Keep on smiling you freak. I hope youre smiling all the way home, but I know that wont happen.

CASEY: For me, this was the performance of the night. I would download his version of Jealous Guy, I would buy that cd, and I would physically comfort him in the middle of the night when he's going through something traumatic. Seriously though: really good emotional passion and awesome vocals. And by that, I mean his hair glistens in the stagelights and his eyes twinkle. Him, the acoustic guitar, and that beautiful cello was simply gorgeous. Best of the night.

SIOBHAN: Across the Universe. While I appreciate the fact that this girl is TOTALLY herself week after week and has the strangest outfits of anyone Ive ever seen outside of the 1980s, I really didnt GET her choice of outfit for this beautiful song. She looked like the stork that Bjork brought in, sitting on this stool singing this lovely melody. It was just so bizarre. Vocally though, she was excellent and I enjoyed her performance and emotion behind it. Was nice to see that other side to her.

LEE: Okay. I feel like this performance needs its own seperate blog, and that blog would be titled "The Bigest Clusterf**k performance of all time on Idol." Why the judges liked this I will never understand. I think they were being fed crack cocaine through a straw during commercials and therefore, their focus was messed with, or something. Because, quite frankly, this performance SUUUUUCCKKKED. No joke.

Hey Jude has never sounded that bad before. The first verse was horrifyingly offkey, pitch, and sounded as if someone was pulling at his scrotum and he was screaming out in pain. The whole song sounded way too high for his range, and he was all over the place with the vocals and notes. Now lets talk about the songs meaning, because Lee stripped it of any and made the song lose all of its soul. Honestly, it sounded like it was from a show called "Beatles Go Grunge." And then, just when you thought it couldnt get any more embarassing, out came ......... a bagpiper????

Yes, an odd man in a kilt marched down the stairs playing THE MOST ANNOYING SOUNDING INSTRUMENT ON THE PLANET, the bagpipes. During Hey Jude. On American Idol. Why? Nobody knows. And then the combination of Lee's screaching voice combined with the loud bagpipe sound, and it all went to hell from there. Okay, deeper into hell. The only phrase I was left with when this was finally over was What.the.F**k??!!!!!??!!

I have no idea who is going home. Based on that travesty of a performance, I think Lee should. However; based on my overall hatred of the performers, Id like to see The Child or Davy Jones Smiley-Face go home. But I never get what I want on this show. If I did, Seacrest would truly be OUT, and replaced by an ironing board, or anything else with more relevance than Seacrest.

David Archuletta performs tonight on the results show. Yeah. I think Ill be busy scratching out my pupils.

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