Thursday, May 27, 2010

AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW "Lee Dwyze Is a Paint Salesman, and a Very Nice Person" Part One

So its almost time to say goodbye for the season, and there are still so many unanswered questions. Like; was the island purgatory, or was the sideways world purgatory? What about the smoke monsters significance? Were all the characters dead, and if so, when did they die exactly? Was the church a waiting room to heaven? And what of Rose and .... Wait, whats that you say? Wrong show? Oh Im very sorry. I thought we were talking about LOST, since that is ALL anyone has talked about for the past two weeks. I cant even tell you how happy I am that show is finally over. But I digress ....

We Idol fans have our own unanswered questions as this season comes to a close: Will Seacrest EVER fall down those stairs? Will Crystals teeth get less yellow with each new album? Does Lee have any good pot he can sell me? Will Simon ever see a movie now that he has more time? Are Ellens ears actually growing? Is Randy dressing like this on purpose, or does he just really not know any better? (A bright red jacket with a multi-colored loud as hell shirt, and weird-ass 1980s bracelets - really?) Will I continue to watch this show after my beloved Simon departs, or will I switch over to his X-Factor? Or somehow watch both? Who will be the new judge? Will horny Cougar Kara ever get laid? And most importantly - will The Child be allowed to stay up past curfew to participate in tonights Finale? These questions and more will or will not be answered tonight.

But first things first. Last nights episode was a knock-down battle between Crystal and Lee for the title and last chance to vote for the new American Idol. Well, that all depends on what your definition of "battle" is, since really, Crystal wiped the floor with Lee's sleepy eyes. This wasnt even a contest. It was a rape. Crystal raped Lee, over and over, in 3 Rounds, in front of judges. And still, he barely reacted. I honestly think he is sleepwalking. Ive never seen someone with less emotion and personality. He is SO BORING. I do not understand the appeal of Lee. At all. At best, he is an okay, average artist and singer. He has major pitch issues and about 40% of the time, his voice falls flat or just misses entirely. His stage presence is blah, and he gives pretty much the same performance over and over again, every week. He seems bored by himself, honestly. I dont hate the guy, but whats with all the praise and votes for this dude? He seriously looks and acts like about 400 different guys I grew up, my own brother included. He is an everyday, average dude who plays a guitar pretty well and sings okay. Perhaps thats the point. He is relatable, likeable, blah blah blah ... and will probably win this show. And yes, I know it doesnt even matter and that Crystal WILL make kickass albums and have even more freedom from NOT winning, BUT, Id still like to see her win anyway. Because you can tell she really wants it. She gets emotional. She deserves it. She is just BETTER. She has a gift. Lee has pot.

We begin with Seacrest and those damn stairs once again. And once again, he does not fall.
He then tells us his name one last time, in case you werent listening the other 47 times.
Then, both contestants made really weird grand entrances from the audience ...Lee's was normal, and Crystals was the strangest thing ever. She dropped the micrphone as she was walking, so they made her walk BACK and start OVER, and then it looked like it was edited - badly - as they showed her looking baffled and forlorn and taking about 19 years to walk up to the stage. It looked like she walked up three times in a row. It was just odd.

At this point, the judges were introduced, and Kara's ridiculous hairstyle can only be explained by saying that she turned into a human powder puff. You know those large powder puff things that you powder your face with? Thats what she looked like with that stupid hairdo.

The contestants flipped a coin for running order, and Crystal won and chose to perform second. This just made her raping of Lee even more powerful with each round. It was like she was saying, with her talent and microphone, "Awww well that was adorable! Now heres a REAL performance for the people."

So, before I breakdown the 3 rounds of performances, let me ask you all a question. Were you all aware that Lee was a paint salesman working in a paint store before coming onto Idol? I mean, did you know that? That he was just an average everyday Joe, workin in a paint store, selling paint? And also, that he is a very nice person? Im not sure if you were aware, because they only mentioned these two things in every episode the entire season ABOUT 500 MOTHERF&**NG TIMES!!!! Im not even kidding, I counted the mention of Lee being a Paint Salesman in last nights episode at FOUR. Four times they said this. Simon said it, Seacrest said it ... hell, I was expecting that damn choir to SING it at us. WE GET IT. He is as American as apple pie. And paint. Enough already.

And, now, onto the raping...


LEE: The Boxer

Not much to say here. It was another typical Lee performance. Very nice, pleasant, good, great song choice for him, etc etc. Im getting tired of saying that he looks stoned and zoned out all the time, but he does and its the only thing to say really. Except this - did you know he used to sell paint in a paint store?

CRYSTAL: Me and Bobby McGee

Let the raping begin with some classic Janis. I love the way she ends this song, so much soul and power in that voice. Just awesome.

Randys Dumb Comment: "Dude, that was dope, dude!" He managed to put the word DUDE in one sentence, twice, and to also refer to a female as dude. Dude, he is so out of touch. Dude.


Lee: Everybody Hurts

I agree with Simon that this was a brilliant song choice for him by the producers. It was definately the strongest of his three performances. I just really feel like he maybe inhaled a little too much of that paint back when he ......worked that paint store. You do know he worked in a paint store, right? As a paint salesman? Well he did. They should really stress that more.

Kara's Idiotic Comment: "Whats great about you Lee, is that you are sooo emotionally accessable." Um, really? No he not! Hes the complete opposite of that. He is a vapid nothing of emotion. The look on his face says "I am blank" all the time. He looks like he has never thought deeply about anything, ever. But hes a very nice person. Very nice.

Crystal: Black Velvet

Ahem. Was this not MY choice for Crystal in last weeks review? Did I not say she needs to sing Black Velvet because she would KILL that song? I believe this proves my genius. And she KILLED IT. That. kicked. ass. Although I have to say I was really scared, and I think she was too, that she would fall down those stairs in those heels. The whole time I was thinking "Nooo!! I dont want HER to fall! I want SEACREST to fall!" My husband and I BLASTED this performance like we always do with her, and it rocked our apartment.


I didnt understand this at all, did any of you? What is the purpose/meaning behind having the Idol winner release a cover of a song thats already been made popular by someone else? I thought they were supposed to be ARTISTS, not singers singing "kareoke" like Simon is always going off about? Why on EARTH would you give Lee a very famous U2 song to sing as his first release? In the past, Idol used to write a song FOR the contestants, and that would be their first song release. Yes, the songs Idol wrote were often lame as all hell, but at least they were originals! Hell, Crystal writes her own stuff, let her release one of HER OWN songs! This whole thing made no sense to me.

Lee: Beautiful Day by U2

As I said, having him sing this made no sense to me, and when I heard him murder it, it made even less sense. This is SUCH A GREAT SONG, and its filled with inspiration, energy, and LIFE. Lee takes the LIFE out of songs. He took the life and energy and zapped it right out of this song. That, and he was all over the place with the notes. I honestly thought it was terrible, and if (when) he wins the show tonight, its a bit of an embarassment I think because its SO OBVIOUS the huuuuge difference in talent between the two contestants. Hey, did you guys know he used to sell paint?

Crystal: Up To the Mountain

Perfect, perfect, perfect song choice for her, if youre gonna make them sing someone elses song, THIS was the perfect selection for Crystal. This is a song written by Patty Griffith and it refers to the famous Martin Luther King "Ive Been to the Mountaintop" Speech; and has been covered by many since the late 60s, including a beautiful version with Kelly Clarkson and Jeff Beck on guitar. I would put Bowersox's version right up there with the BEST of them, because it made me tear up while she was singing, and it made HER tear up at the end. Its just a gorgeous song with insanely beautiful touching lyrics. If the people who are voting dont vote for THAT girl and that performance, than thats really a shame. How anyone can listen to that and not fall in love with her or with music, is beyond me. As Simon said, "Outstanding!"

Randys Comment: "THIS is what this show is all about!!!" Really? Is it? Because I thougth that when Lee performed earlier ...THAT was what the show was all about? Or Casey in a previous episode, or Mike ... this has got to be the most overused statement of the entire season. Every judge has said this at LEAST once, and probably way more than once. What IS the goddamn show about, because you all seem to change your minds about that weekly. THIS is what the show is ALL ABOUT!!!! Uh huh. Okay.

The show ended with a short montage of some season highlights that were quite lame and not really highlights, but just pictures of random people and contestants staring into the camera, hugging, and crap like that. The last shot as they said goodnight was Ryan surrounded by the Top Ten contestants, who will all be back tonight. Look back at Boring Katies face if you can. She looks soooo bored by her own damn self and life. Cant wait to see those losers again tonight.

Actually, Im very much looking forward to tonights Finale. American Idol usually puts on a great finale, and normally comes up with some really great star/contestant combinations, so Im hoping to see Crystal perform with somebody awesome! Im also really quite sad about Simon's departure. To me, he is the heart of the show, or the heartbeat of the show. Im not sure what it will be like without him. Im sure it will survive and whoever the new judge is will be great, but it certainly will never be the same. At least not for me. I hope they give him a nice send-off tonight.

As for me and my Idol blogs, I shall not say goodbye just yet, as I will be writing a Part 2 after tonights finale. I cant end it here, without knowing who won the whole shebang.

So let the best woman win. Cuz shes pretty amazing.

p.s. Lee used to sell paint in a paint store.

No comments:

Post a Comment