Oh, where oh where to begin? Let us begin at the end of the road for two contestants. Last week, we lost Katie Boring Stevens (yawn), and The Loaf of Bread finally reached his expiration date as well. So what could be worse than losing two - TWO - Idol hopefuls? How about the possibility of losing three? Oh, didnt you hear? Didnt you hear the "story" that was plastered all over the internet, the news, the freakin NY Post for Christ Sakes, and about 35 other places it shouldnt have been? Didnt you hear about how Crystal Bowersox was planning on quitting --yes, QUITTING, the show --that is, until hero Ryan Seacrest "talked her down" and into remaining a contestant? In what was one of the most obvious, phony, transparent publicity stunts ever thrown together, Ryan "I Need Attention!" Seacrest hammered it into everyones brain that Crystal was seconds away from walking off the show, until he talked her into staying. Sure you did Seacrest. Just like you were the REAL hero in the Anne Frank story who never got any credit; or the never-before seen Captain Seacrest - Sully's copilot who advised him it would be best to land in the Hudson. Now that I think about it; was it not you, Seacrest, who also put the bomp in the bompabompabomp? And hey, didnt you cure polio all those years ago? You know, a little band called "The Beatles" would have never happened had it not been for the talk they had with a then-infant Seacrest, who told them "ga ga ga ba ba BAAAA!!!", which of course, means, "write an album called Abby Road." We get it Ryan. You are a hero. If and when Crystal makes it bigtime, YOU are the one to thank. Wow, Im getting tears in my eyes just typing this .... sniff sniff.
Now for the actual story. Bowersox was feeling a tad emotional after last weeks show and missing her son. Thats IT. Apparently she said to Ryan something along the lines of "I really miss my son." Then later, she was quoted as saying, "I never had any intention of leaving the show. I was just having a moment, thats ALL. THen suddenly it was all over the media that I wanted to leave. I dont know where they got that from." Hmmm, gee, I wonder who leaked THAT Story. I have a guess, and his initials are R.S. (and he's a douchebag.)
But enough about THAT. Now onto the episode ....
We start with Ryan and those damn stairs. Then he lines up the remaining 7 contestants and talks in a dramatic fashion while weaving in and out behind their heads. Seacrest then informs us that this will be "Songs of Inspiration" Week and that their mentor will be Alicia Keys. Ah, songs of inspiration ... so, kind of like that annoying, grating "Lets hear it for New Yaaaaahhhhhhhkkkk....the city lights will inSPIRE you....." Inspring in that way? Oh good. I cannot wait to be inspired. Pass the Excedrin.
CASEY: Dont Stop by Fleetwood Mac. Except I really wish he would stop, because this was not his week. First of all, he looks like he was attacked with a can of fake spray-tan in the face. Secondly, the best part of that performance was the guitar licks, and there werent nearly enough of them. And third, he needs to start wearing his hair down again. I need to see the flowing locks of Casey in order to feel joy in my life. Seriously though, I like this guy. Hes talented. I just always find myself wishing that he would keep doing everything that he's doing, but multiply it by about 100.
Dumbass Ellen Comment: "We have to be stricter, because someone is going to go home each and every week now..." Right. Just like they have every single week up until now. Thats kind of how it works Ellen. Someone always goes home. Pay attention.
LEE: The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel. His hair looked like he had a mini-baseball mound atop his head. Other than that though, this was a kick-ass performance by him. Perfect song choice for his style and voice, and it was the first time Ive heard him sing where I would actually buy the single. In fact, I just might download it off itunes tonight. Excellent job.
Stupid Lee Comment: During the mentor video, Lee said of Alicia's advice: "She made a really great point which was to remember what the song is about so I'm gonna do that." Really Lee? THAT'S a great point? It's sort of obvious, isn't it? You really can't figure that one out on your own? Lee is not the sharpest tool in the box.
TURBAN: Does it really matter what he sang? He is the Nilla Wafer of performers. It had so little effect on me that I actually have no comment. Let's move on.
Seacrest Lame Joke: "You're always so cool Tim. You're Gaspacho. Youre a cold soup."
(Sound of crickets. Noone laughs.)
THE CHILD: Seacrest introduced the Child by saying "he's been singing this song since he was 5 years old..." Oh, so , since last month then? The Child chose to sing R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly," which makes total sense, since R.Kelly peed on a child about Aaron's age and then videotaped it. Very inspirational indeed. I'll be honest; I laughed through this entire performance. The whole thing struck me as funny. First I kept picturing R. Kelly peeing all over The Child as he sang. Then I started listening to the lyrics the Child was warbling,and they struck me as funny. "I used to think that I could not go on..." You USED to think? You're 7. When did you used to think anything? What exactly have you been through? Well, other than R. Kelly pissing on you of course. Then came this line "..and life was just another awful song." Oh, you mean kind of like THIS awful song? I feel ya dog. Let's just stop singing right now, shall we Child? Hate to break it to ya, but No, you cannot fly. You cannot touch the sky. In fact, you probably cant even reach the top shelf to get that cookie you really really want up there.
SIOBHAN: Sigh. That might be my new name for her. Just "Sigh." Because everytime she comes on lately, I just let out a big sort of sigh ... Im kind of tired of her. Just everything about her is a little bit annoying and off-putting and a little bit scary even. Her eyebrows scare me. Her EYES freak me out. Her TEETH freak me out. And that 80's shiny lipgloss. And seriously --what the HELL was she wearing??? In her hair, on her shoulder, on her wrist, on her legs ... EVERYWHERE. Good Lord! I get that she has her own unique style, but she is starting to resemble some sort of tree where bird's nest. Cant you just throw ona nice black dress sometimes and make your hair not look .... like THAT? And She gives these intense looks like shes looking right through your soul. And the way she talks is really starting to get on my nerves, with the bizarre pauses in the strangest places, like right in the middle of the sentence, over and over again. "I ....... ..... didn't.......want.....to.........let who the song was..........by to ...to....to.....dictate how I ........how I .........how I sung................the song....and,and,and........" OH JESUS CHRIST SPIT IT OUT!!!
Yeah, Im just way over her. Talented girl, just not for me.
JUST MIKE: I didnt like this song at all, so I sort of zoned out. It wasnt bad, and it wasnt good. It was just sort of there. Like bread. Like a loaf of bread. Oh wait, he's gone.
BOWERSOX: People Get Ready. Brilliant accapella. I am starting to feel like a broken record with how much I love her, but I cannot help it. I LOVE HER!!!! She is insanely good, and this was absolutely one of my favorite performances by her. AND it was one of the ONLY songs of the night that was ACTUALLY inspirational. Most of those songs were not inspirational at all. These people do not know how to follow the rules. But Bowersox's song was a great ending, in an otherwise mediocre show.
Best of the Night: BOWERSOX AND LEE.
Special BONUS BLOG this week on the IDOL GIVES BACK show. Stay tuned....
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
American Idol Review - The "Elvis Sits up from Grave to scream 'WTF?' " Episode
Well IDOL lovers; it is time yet again for another write-up of tonight's happenings. Here we go ....
Bring on the dead!!! What better way to top Lennon/McCartney Week, than to continue to stomp on the memories of legends, who cannot fight back? Thats right folks; tonight was Elvis Presley night. And who better to mentor on behalf of The King than .... last year's non-winner Adam Lambert??? Yes. I know that whenever I think of Elvis, I immediately think ADAM LAMBERT!!! Don't you? Doesn't everyone??? What the hell does Adam Lambert have to do with Elvis? Oh well. At least it wasn't Miley Cyrus again. Let's move on.
Tonight's episode begins once again with an overdramatic Seacrest coming down a set of stairs, while surrounded by what seems to be a beam or HALO of light from above. He descended downward the stairway from Heaven, where he then met with his minions here on earth ...the contestants. At this point, Seacrest inexplicably started high-fiving some random girl in the audience, while simultaneously and embarassingly shouting at her "Wasup? Wasup? Wasupppp?" At this point, we are about 3 minutes into the show and I am already highly annoyed and out for Seacrest blood. And then it got weird. He proceeded to go into the crowd, and introduce Lambert, whom he then sat next to in a way-too-close manner. The two exchanged pleasantries about Lambert's album, how he enjoyed mentoring, and most importantly, whose tongue was more talented. I think Seacrest had a boner.
Then, after flirting like the gayboy he is with Adam Lambert, Seacrest sat next to his weird Mommy in the audience and had her introduce one of the acts. Not sure what the point of this was, other than to melt the audiences heartstrings, like "Awwww, Seacrest has a mom!!!!!" It didnt work. At all. Now I STILL hate you, and I kinda hate your mom for birthing you.
There were more awkward Seacrest moments, but for now, let's get right to the performances:
1. BOWERSOX: I am just calling her Bowersox from now on. Deal with it. Sox chose the song "Saved" which is one of Elvis's lesser known gospel-bluesy numbers. I love her just for choosing this song that noone even knows, and I love her ten times more for killin it on the electric guitar, and twenty times more than that for her kick-ass rockin voice. Again. Bowersox is just plain awesome, and like every week, I found myself cranking up the volume while she sang. And really, it kind of went downhill from there. Or at the very least, it flatlined .......
Next up; Ryan asked "What happens when Andrew rocks Elvis?" The answer to that is nothing. Nothing at all happens, except for another mediocre unmemorable performance ...
2. LOAF OF BREAD: (Andrew Garcia) Sang "Hounddog." Well, he "crooned" it with a 1940s style microphone and a very strange rendition that was sooooo slow and almost sounded like he was talking. "Youuuuuuuu aint. nothin. butttt. a . hounddddd. doggggggggg." Every syllable was somehow five syllables and every word was stretched out into eternity. This song seemed like eternity. Not fun. The loaf of bread is starting to get on my nerves now. Oh, and Simon was right, so STOP booing everytime the man speaks.
DUMB SEACREST COMMENT: After the Loaf performed, Seacrest asked this brilliant question to Simon:"Now why is it that you and Ellen see things differently?" Ummmm, gee, I dunno ... it's called A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION, you idiot!!!! Is he really shocked that all the judges dont agree? He always acts shocked and has to ask them to analyze everything so he can get even more ego-air-time.
3. TIM URBAN: Sigh. Seacrest introduced Tim by referring to him as "TURBAN." I honestly wanted to stab him through my television set somehow. This was the last straw. Really Ryan? Turban? Stop trying to create some cool, hip nickname for Tim by meshing his first and last name together. He isn't J-Lo or Brangelina. He is just TIM. He is not even close to cool enough to be worthy of a nickname. And even if he was, Turban certainly would not be the top choice.
So, Turban sang "Cant Help Falling In Love With You", and the way he pronounced the words "falling" like "faahhhhhllling" and "surely" like "shirley" really got on my nerves. Other than that, I really really really really really really really really really wanted to make fun of this performance, but in the end, it wasnt half bad. Now, Im not going to go and get all orgasmic about it like the judges do everytime this kid does the simplest thing ... but it was pretty good.
KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "That was very authentic, and also very real." Authentic and real mean the same damn thing, you moron.
4. LEE: I keep forgetting his last name, and who gives a shit. He did one of my favorite Elvis tunes "A Little Less Conversation". Great song, great choice for him, and really strong vocals. I thought he did a nice job with this, but wow, this kid ALWAYS looks stoned out of his mind. Just an observation.
Kara, however, thought his voice was "FIRE." That's her latest thing now. Everything is "fire" with her.
5. THE CHILD: (Aaron Kelly) In the rehearsal clips, The Child looked like he was about 6 yrs old standing next to Adam. Hilarious. I really really really really really wanted to make fun of this song too, so I will. "Blue Suede Shoes", sung by a 6year old. Interesting. Nothing he does can be taken seriously. I just keep picturing him eating cookies and drinking a tall glass of milk.
KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "You seemed younger tonight." Younger???? YOUNGER???? Is she on crack? Younger than what? HE's FIVE!!! How freakin young do you want him to be??? Freak.
6. SIOBHAN: I dont know if thats how you spell her damn name. Don't care. Its a stupid spelling of a stupid name. Im growing tired of her, and her hair is disturbing. She performed "Suspicious Minds" - another fave of mine - and although parts of it were nice - thats the problem. It was all a bit too nice for me. That song is dirty and bluesy and rockin. She sang it all a bit to controlled and cover band-ish. Also, it felt like she was singing three different songs/styles. It was all over the place.
WEIRD SEACREST COMMENT: When talking about the upcoming special IDOL GIVES BACK, Seacrest said that the host for the West Coast airing of that show would be Brian Dunkelman, then he took it back as a joke. Hmmmm, thats sort of mean-spirited dont you think? Poor Dunkelman is sitting at home broke as all hell, no ties to Idol left for him, and you cant even throw him a bone? You gotta mock him on national tv? Very odd.
7. MIKE LYNCH: "In The Ghetto." Okay, hold the phone. THIS is THE Elvis song .... I thought Mike's version was really relevant, heartbreaking, and hit on all the right notes. Im so glad they saved him, and I still think the top 2 should be him and Crystal. His voice ..... its like buttah.
8. KATIE BORING STEVENS: She did some sort of bluesy Elvis tune, which was a great song, but she somehow turned it vanilla again. She is trying, and I give her that. Her voice is very strong, pleasant, pretty ... all good things. I just wouldnt buy her album, and she does nothing for me on an excitment level. I always feel like Im watching the talent portion of a Beauty Pagent with her.
9. CASEY: Bluesy. Sexy. Hot! Mysterious. Gorgeous.
Oh, and the song wasn't half bad either. (rimshot)
He is so damn cute.
I think the Loaf of Bread should go home, but once again, Im perfectly happy to get rid of Tim, The Child, or the Bore Stevens too. Any of them leave, Im not complainin.
Bring on the dead!!! What better way to top Lennon/McCartney Week, than to continue to stomp on the memories of legends, who cannot fight back? Thats right folks; tonight was Elvis Presley night. And who better to mentor on behalf of The King than .... last year's non-winner Adam Lambert??? Yes. I know that whenever I think of Elvis, I immediately think ADAM LAMBERT!!! Don't you? Doesn't everyone??? What the hell does Adam Lambert have to do with Elvis? Oh well. At least it wasn't Miley Cyrus again. Let's move on.
Tonight's episode begins once again with an overdramatic Seacrest coming down a set of stairs, while surrounded by what seems to be a beam or HALO of light from above. He descended downward the stairway from Heaven, where he then met with his minions here on earth ...the contestants. At this point, Seacrest inexplicably started high-fiving some random girl in the audience, while simultaneously and embarassingly shouting at her "Wasup? Wasup? Wasupppp?" At this point, we are about 3 minutes into the show and I am already highly annoyed and out for Seacrest blood. And then it got weird. He proceeded to go into the crowd, and introduce Lambert, whom he then sat next to in a way-too-close manner. The two exchanged pleasantries about Lambert's album, how he enjoyed mentoring, and most importantly, whose tongue was more talented. I think Seacrest had a boner.
Then, after flirting like the gayboy he is with Adam Lambert, Seacrest sat next to his weird Mommy in the audience and had her introduce one of the acts. Not sure what the point of this was, other than to melt the audiences heartstrings, like "Awwww, Seacrest has a mom!!!!!" It didnt work. At all. Now I STILL hate you, and I kinda hate your mom for birthing you.
There were more awkward Seacrest moments, but for now, let's get right to the performances:
1. BOWERSOX: I am just calling her Bowersox from now on. Deal with it. Sox chose the song "Saved" which is one of Elvis's lesser known gospel-bluesy numbers. I love her just for choosing this song that noone even knows, and I love her ten times more for killin it on the electric guitar, and twenty times more than that for her kick-ass rockin voice. Again. Bowersox is just plain awesome, and like every week, I found myself cranking up the volume while she sang. And really, it kind of went downhill from there. Or at the very least, it flatlined .......
Next up; Ryan asked "What happens when Andrew rocks Elvis?" The answer to that is nothing. Nothing at all happens, except for another mediocre unmemorable performance ...
2. LOAF OF BREAD: (Andrew Garcia) Sang "Hounddog." Well, he "crooned" it with a 1940s style microphone and a very strange rendition that was sooooo slow and almost sounded like he was talking. "Youuuuuuuu aint. nothin. butttt. a . hounddddd. doggggggggg." Every syllable was somehow five syllables and every word was stretched out into eternity. This song seemed like eternity. Not fun. The loaf of bread is starting to get on my nerves now. Oh, and Simon was right, so STOP booing everytime the man speaks.
DUMB SEACREST COMMENT: After the Loaf performed, Seacrest asked this brilliant question to Simon:"Now why is it that you and Ellen see things differently?" Ummmm, gee, I dunno ... it's called A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION, you idiot!!!! Is he really shocked that all the judges dont agree? He always acts shocked and has to ask them to analyze everything so he can get even more ego-air-time.
3. TIM URBAN: Sigh. Seacrest introduced Tim by referring to him as "TURBAN." I honestly wanted to stab him through my television set somehow. This was the last straw. Really Ryan? Turban? Stop trying to create some cool, hip nickname for Tim by meshing his first and last name together. He isn't J-Lo or Brangelina. He is just TIM. He is not even close to cool enough to be worthy of a nickname. And even if he was, Turban certainly would not be the top choice.
So, Turban sang "Cant Help Falling In Love With You", and the way he pronounced the words "falling" like "faahhhhhllling" and "surely" like "shirley" really got on my nerves. Other than that, I really really really really really really really really really wanted to make fun of this performance, but in the end, it wasnt half bad. Now, Im not going to go and get all orgasmic about it like the judges do everytime this kid does the simplest thing ... but it was pretty good.
KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "That was very authentic, and also very real." Authentic and real mean the same damn thing, you moron.
4. LEE: I keep forgetting his last name, and who gives a shit. He did one of my favorite Elvis tunes "A Little Less Conversation". Great song, great choice for him, and really strong vocals. I thought he did a nice job with this, but wow, this kid ALWAYS looks stoned out of his mind. Just an observation.
Kara, however, thought his voice was "FIRE." That's her latest thing now. Everything is "fire" with her.
5. THE CHILD: (Aaron Kelly) In the rehearsal clips, The Child looked like he was about 6 yrs old standing next to Adam. Hilarious. I really really really really really wanted to make fun of this song too, so I will. "Blue Suede Shoes", sung by a 6year old. Interesting. Nothing he does can be taken seriously. I just keep picturing him eating cookies and drinking a tall glass of milk.
KARA's DUMBASS COMMENT: "You seemed younger tonight." Younger???? YOUNGER???? Is she on crack? Younger than what? HE's FIVE!!! How freakin young do you want him to be??? Freak.
6. SIOBHAN: I dont know if thats how you spell her damn name. Don't care. Its a stupid spelling of a stupid name. Im growing tired of her, and her hair is disturbing. She performed "Suspicious Minds" - another fave of mine - and although parts of it were nice - thats the problem. It was all a bit too nice for me. That song is dirty and bluesy and rockin. She sang it all a bit to controlled and cover band-ish. Also, it felt like she was singing three different songs/styles. It was all over the place.
WEIRD SEACREST COMMENT: When talking about the upcoming special IDOL GIVES BACK, Seacrest said that the host for the West Coast airing of that show would be Brian Dunkelman, then he took it back as a joke. Hmmmm, thats sort of mean-spirited dont you think? Poor Dunkelman is sitting at home broke as all hell, no ties to Idol left for him, and you cant even throw him a bone? You gotta mock him on national tv? Very odd.
7. MIKE LYNCH: "In The Ghetto." Okay, hold the phone. THIS is THE Elvis song .... I thought Mike's version was really relevant, heartbreaking, and hit on all the right notes. Im so glad they saved him, and I still think the top 2 should be him and Crystal. His voice ..... its like buttah.
8. KATIE BORING STEVENS: She did some sort of bluesy Elvis tune, which was a great song, but she somehow turned it vanilla again. She is trying, and I give her that. Her voice is very strong, pleasant, pretty ... all good things. I just wouldnt buy her album, and she does nothing for me on an excitment level. I always feel like Im watching the talent portion of a Beauty Pagent with her.
9. CASEY: Bluesy. Sexy. Hot! Mysterious. Gorgeous.
Oh, and the song wasn't half bad either. (rimshot)
He is so damn cute.
I think the Loaf of Bread should go home, but once again, Im perfectly happy to get rid of Tim, The Child, or the Bore Stevens too. Any of them leave, Im not complainin.
American Idol Review - The "Paul McCartney Still Wont come on our Show" Episode
This week, the Idol contestants took on "Lennon/McCartney" songs. Again. I say that because this is about the 4th time, at least, in Idol history that they have done Lennon/McCartney or Beatles songs. Normally, the contestants sing "songs of Barry Manilow", for example, and lo and behold, Manilow shows up as that week's mentor for the kiddies. That is the protocol, and Idol has had some pretty legendary and/or big name mentors come on the show in the past; including Billy Joel, Elton John, Dolly Parton, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Neil Diamond, Smokey Robinson, Burt Bacharach, Stevie Wonder ...hell, even Quention Terantino was a mentor one week; which was just ... well... odd. But back to the point. Which is this. Every single time the Idol contestants take on Beatles songs, McCartney is nowhere to be found on the show. Lennon is dead, so he gets a free pass for not showing up. Same with George Harrison. Ringo and Paul, however, have yet to grace the Idol stage; yet the show continues to honor McCartney time and time again by covering (or in most cases, butchering) his songs. Last nights show was an improvement in the right direction, however, when they showed a short McCartney video where he wished the kiddies good luck on their performances. Hey, its a start. I guess Paul is very busy getting robbed by one-legged models and dead-too-early used-to-be-black white guys. What he SHOULD have said in that video was something along the lines of "HA! Im Paul f'ing McCartney goddamit! I dont have the time or interest to come on your gay little candy-ass talent show!" I have heard, however, that Yoko Ono is available, but Idol is not interested. (I have no facts to back that statement up, but Im just assuming its true.)
Okay. So we begin this weeks episode with Seacrest standing in the control room, and he actually says the following statement:
Seacrest: "Here I am inside the central nervous system of the show."
Really? The central nervous system??? What is this, NASA? No. Its not. So relax Ryan ... calm yourself down... take it down a notch. Its going to be okay. Every second of your time on the show doesnt HAVE to be overdramatic, or you trying to make the moment much more important than it really is. Sigh.
Okay, so then, after that happened, the judges were introduced and entered as if they were a gang coming at us, like in Michael Jacksons BEAT IT video. This was followed by stupid Seacrest walking dramatically down the giant staircase. Just once, ONCE!!!!, can Seacrest please fall down that staircase? Thats really all I ask for my personal entertainment. I dont think its too big of a dream.
Let the butchering of Beatles-music begin. (Surprisingly, it actually wasn't too bad.)
AARON KELLY: aka "The Child." The child went first tonight so that he could have his warm glass of milk and get to bed early, before his curfew. And of course, he HAD to perform one of my alltime favorite Beatles songs, The Long and Winding Road. And it was, at best, mediocre. What a bore this kid is, honestly. Even more annoying, he got the lyrics wrong twice. One time he sang "many times ago" as a lyric. Many times ago?? That doesnt even make sense idiot. I think you need some sleep. Go lie down for awhile in your Star Wars bunk bed and maybe you wont get voted off tonight. Ick.
KATIE BORING STEVENS: Thats actually her middle name. Boring. First of all, she looked like a giant bottle of Pepto-Bismol in that pink dress. Secondly, the fact that she has a very nice sounding voice and sings well really doesnt matter much, because there are about 400,000 people out there exactly like her, with the exact same pleasant sounding voice and yawn-like performances. So yes, she sang Let It Be very nicely .... but its kind of meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
Seacrest STUPID COMMENT to Katie: "Wow you have really grown physically since last week." Ummm, what? Is he eying the contestants puberty now? Creepy.
LOAF OF BREAD: sang Cant Buy Me Love and put his sillyass twist on it. It was pretty good, and definately corny. Im on the verge of sort of liking him, but I dont feel ready to commit. Hes okay. But really, ENOUGH with the "singing behind the judges" thing. Cant they get those judges a table that swivels so they dont have to watch the singers ass or watch on a tiny tv screen on their table? Thats lame.
MIKE LYNCH: I refuse to call him Big Mike,so its just Mike. I know the judges loved this performance and version of the song, but Eleanor Rigby is one of my favorite Beatles songs ever, and what I love about it is that its already so quirky and brilliantly written musically. So I didnt like all the changes Mike made to the songs arrangement. He sounded great, like he always does, and I really ama fan of his, just not this performance.
BOWERSOX: She rocked out on Come Together, and I absolutely loved the "dijidu" guy, Ernie. He was so cool and that instrument was so cool and different. Not Crystals best performance, but still excellent and I just love her soul that she adds to every single song. Ill say what I always say about her. She is just on a different level.
TIM URBAN: Christ. This kid gives a mediocre at best performance where he doesnt wobble and sing offkey, and they are all going mental like it was the greatest thing ever. It was just okay. Nothing spectacular, but it annoys me because it will ensure that he stays yet ANOTHER week undeserved, simply because he went from sucking to just barely not sucking. And hey Tim -- go ahead and turn your hair into a Beatles-do or wear an old suit or dress like Sgt. Pepper for all I care -- you still wont be the Beatles. Keep on smiling you freak. I hope youre smiling all the way home, but I know that wont happen.
CASEY: For me, this was the performance of the night. I would download his version of Jealous Guy, I would buy that cd, and I would physically comfort him in the middle of the night when he's going through something traumatic. Seriously though: really good emotional passion and awesome vocals. And by that, I mean his hair glistens in the stagelights and his eyes twinkle. Him, the acoustic guitar, and that beautiful cello was simply gorgeous. Best of the night.
SIOBHAN: Across the Universe. While I appreciate the fact that this girl is TOTALLY herself week after week and has the strangest outfits of anyone Ive ever seen outside of the 1980s, I really didnt GET her choice of outfit for this beautiful song. She looked like the stork that Bjork brought in, sitting on this stool singing this lovely melody. It was just so bizarre. Vocally though, she was excellent and I enjoyed her performance and emotion behind it. Was nice to see that other side to her.
LEE: Okay. I feel like this performance needs its own seperate blog, and that blog would be titled "The Bigest Clusterf**k performance of all time on Idol." Why the judges liked this I will never understand. I think they were being fed crack cocaine through a straw during commercials and therefore, their focus was messed with, or something. Because, quite frankly, this performance SUUUUUCCKKKED. No joke.
Hey Jude has never sounded that bad before. The first verse was horrifyingly offkey, pitch, and sounded as if someone was pulling at his scrotum and he was screaming out in pain. The whole song sounded way too high for his range, and he was all over the place with the vocals and notes. Now lets talk about the songs meaning, because Lee stripped it of any and made the song lose all of its soul. Honestly, it sounded like it was from a show called "Beatles Go Grunge." And then, just when you thought it couldnt get any more embarassing, out came ......... a bagpiper????
Yes, an odd man in a kilt marched down the stairs playing THE MOST ANNOYING SOUNDING INSTRUMENT ON THE PLANET, the bagpipes. During Hey Jude. On American Idol. Why? Nobody knows. And then the combination of Lee's screaching voice combined with the loud bagpipe sound, and it all went to hell from there. Okay, deeper into hell. The only phrase I was left with when this was finally over was What.the.F**k??!!!!!??!!
I have no idea who is going home. Based on that travesty of a performance, I think Lee should. However; based on my overall hatred of the performers, Id like to see The Child or Davy Jones Smiley-Face go home. But I never get what I want on this show. If I did, Seacrest would truly be OUT, and replaced by an ironing board, or anything else with more relevance than Seacrest.
David Archuletta performs tonight on the results show. Yeah. I think Ill be busy scratching out my pupils.
Okay. So we begin this weeks episode with Seacrest standing in the control room, and he actually says the following statement:
Seacrest: "Here I am inside the central nervous system of the show."
Really? The central nervous system??? What is this, NASA? No. Its not. So relax Ryan ... calm yourself down... take it down a notch. Its going to be okay. Every second of your time on the show doesnt HAVE to be overdramatic, or you trying to make the moment much more important than it really is. Sigh.
Okay, so then, after that happened, the judges were introduced and entered as if they were a gang coming at us, like in Michael Jacksons BEAT IT video. This was followed by stupid Seacrest walking dramatically down the giant staircase. Just once, ONCE!!!!, can Seacrest please fall down that staircase? Thats really all I ask for my personal entertainment. I dont think its too big of a dream.
Let the butchering of Beatles-music begin. (Surprisingly, it actually wasn't too bad.)
AARON KELLY: aka "The Child." The child went first tonight so that he could have his warm glass of milk and get to bed early, before his curfew. And of course, he HAD to perform one of my alltime favorite Beatles songs, The Long and Winding Road. And it was, at best, mediocre. What a bore this kid is, honestly. Even more annoying, he got the lyrics wrong twice. One time he sang "many times ago" as a lyric. Many times ago?? That doesnt even make sense idiot. I think you need some sleep. Go lie down for awhile in your Star Wars bunk bed and maybe you wont get voted off tonight. Ick.
KATIE BORING STEVENS: Thats actually her middle name. Boring. First of all, she looked like a giant bottle of Pepto-Bismol in that pink dress. Secondly, the fact that she has a very nice sounding voice and sings well really doesnt matter much, because there are about 400,000 people out there exactly like her, with the exact same pleasant sounding voice and yawn-like performances. So yes, she sang Let It Be very nicely .... but its kind of meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
Seacrest STUPID COMMENT to Katie: "Wow you have really grown physically since last week." Ummm, what? Is he eying the contestants puberty now? Creepy.
LOAF OF BREAD: sang Cant Buy Me Love and put his sillyass twist on it. It was pretty good, and definately corny. Im on the verge of sort of liking him, but I dont feel ready to commit. Hes okay. But really, ENOUGH with the "singing behind the judges" thing. Cant they get those judges a table that swivels so they dont have to watch the singers ass or watch on a tiny tv screen on their table? Thats lame.
MIKE LYNCH: I refuse to call him Big Mike,so its just Mike. I know the judges loved this performance and version of the song, but Eleanor Rigby is one of my favorite Beatles songs ever, and what I love about it is that its already so quirky and brilliantly written musically. So I didnt like all the changes Mike made to the songs arrangement. He sounded great, like he always does, and I really ama fan of his, just not this performance.
BOWERSOX: She rocked out on Come Together, and I absolutely loved the "dijidu" guy, Ernie. He was so cool and that instrument was so cool and different. Not Crystals best performance, but still excellent and I just love her soul that she adds to every single song. Ill say what I always say about her. She is just on a different level.
TIM URBAN: Christ. This kid gives a mediocre at best performance where he doesnt wobble and sing offkey, and they are all going mental like it was the greatest thing ever. It was just okay. Nothing spectacular, but it annoys me because it will ensure that he stays yet ANOTHER week undeserved, simply because he went from sucking to just barely not sucking. And hey Tim -- go ahead and turn your hair into a Beatles-do or wear an old suit or dress like Sgt. Pepper for all I care -- you still wont be the Beatles. Keep on smiling you freak. I hope youre smiling all the way home, but I know that wont happen.
CASEY: For me, this was the performance of the night. I would download his version of Jealous Guy, I would buy that cd, and I would physically comfort him in the middle of the night when he's going through something traumatic. Seriously though: really good emotional passion and awesome vocals. And by that, I mean his hair glistens in the stagelights and his eyes twinkle. Him, the acoustic guitar, and that beautiful cello was simply gorgeous. Best of the night.
SIOBHAN: Across the Universe. While I appreciate the fact that this girl is TOTALLY herself week after week and has the strangest outfits of anyone Ive ever seen outside of the 1980s, I really didnt GET her choice of outfit for this beautiful song. She looked like the stork that Bjork brought in, sitting on this stool singing this lovely melody. It was just so bizarre. Vocally though, she was excellent and I enjoyed her performance and emotion behind it. Was nice to see that other side to her.
LEE: Okay. I feel like this performance needs its own seperate blog, and that blog would be titled "The Bigest Clusterf**k performance of all time on Idol." Why the judges liked this I will never understand. I think they were being fed crack cocaine through a straw during commercials and therefore, their focus was messed with, or something. Because, quite frankly, this performance SUUUUUCCKKKED. No joke.
Hey Jude has never sounded that bad before. The first verse was horrifyingly offkey, pitch, and sounded as if someone was pulling at his scrotum and he was screaming out in pain. The whole song sounded way too high for his range, and he was all over the place with the vocals and notes. Now lets talk about the songs meaning, because Lee stripped it of any and made the song lose all of its soul. Honestly, it sounded like it was from a show called "Beatles Go Grunge." And then, just when you thought it couldnt get any more embarassing, out came ......... a bagpiper????
Yes, an odd man in a kilt marched down the stairs playing THE MOST ANNOYING SOUNDING INSTRUMENT ON THE PLANET, the bagpipes. During Hey Jude. On American Idol. Why? Nobody knows. And then the combination of Lee's screaching voice combined with the loud bagpipe sound, and it all went to hell from there. Okay, deeper into hell. The only phrase I was left with when this was finally over was What.the.F**k??!!!!!??!!
I have no idea who is going home. Based on that travesty of a performance, I think Lee should. However; based on my overall hatred of the performers, Id like to see The Child or Davy Jones Smiley-Face go home. But I never get what I want on this show. If I did, Seacrest would truly be OUT, and replaced by an ironing board, or anything else with more relevance than Seacrest.
David Archuletta performs tonight on the results show. Yeah. I think Ill be busy scratching out my pupils.
American Idol Review - the "Shut the F**k Up Seacrest!" Episode
Okay. So most of you are aware of my violent hatred of The Seacrest. Well, he is getting progessively worse week after week on this show. His constant need for all the attention to be on HIM is really getting out of control. His annoying post-song banter with every contestant was bad enough, but now he is just becoming a giant pest and making the contestants and audience feel uncomfortable. Was it really necessary to push Didi Benami into telling him WHY she was so emotional singing her song during rehearsal? She told him, TWICE, that she didnt want to talk about it, that the song means a lot to her. Yet, he still forced her and seemed to want to make her cry AGAIN. What an ass. Then; his random no purpose comment to Crystal Bowersox about "Will you consider wearing an off the shoulder shirt next week like Kara?" Umm, WHAT? Oh my God. Shut the hell up already. He is going from annoying to full-on prick. I also cannot stand how he is always trying so hard to be funny. Isnt that why we brought Ellen on the show, to add comic element? Seacrest - YOU ARE NOT FUNNY. At all. Every joke he attempts falls flat, yet he keeps trying. And lastly; Seacrest will do anything to put the physical attention on him. Is all the choreography really necessary? You know, where he is randomly walking all around the stage, or backstage, or in the center of a young crowd in the audience looking up at the sky, or walking down a giant staircase dramatically, and on and on and on....
Its getting to the point where Im starting to long for the days of Brian Dunkleman. Yes. Its that bad.
And now, onto non-Seacrest topics. What the hell was up with Randy's Cosby sweater-vest with the elephant in the corner pocket? I was baffled by that fashion statement.
Kara continues her quest to bang Simon, and to get into all of his camera shots. And Ellen just looks like a Keebler Elf. Actually, she sort of resembles Dr. Oz, who resembles a Keebler Elf.
After the 9-hour long Seacrest ego-stroking intro, the show began by Ryan asking the crowd to yell out their favorite contestant, to which they replied in unison:
"GHTYYOOOUURB^^HH$33DFHRTTYCXWENNBOWANDRWASHIOBYNAAAAXXLGvndoaieovndoi!!!!"
Ah! Glad we got THAT cleared up.
Okay. So most of you are aware of my violent hatred of The Seacrest. Well, he is getting progessively worse week after week on this show. His constant need for all the attention to be on HIM is really getting out of control. His annoying post-song banter with every contestant was bad enough, but now he is just becoming a giant pest and making the contestants and audience feel uncomfortable. Was it really necessary to push Didi Benami into telling him WHY she was so emotional singing her song during rehearsal? She told him, TWICE, that she didnt want to talk about it, that the song means a lot to her. Yet, he still forced her and seemed to want to make her cry AGAIN. What an ass. Then; his random no purpose comment to Crystal Bowersox about "Will you consider wearing an off the shoulder shirt next week like Kara?" Umm, WHAT? Oh my God. Shut the hell up already. He is going from annoying to full-on prick. I also cannot stand how he is always trying so hard to be funny. Isnt that why we brought Ellen on the show, to add comic element? Seacrest - YOU ARE NOT FUNNY. At all. Every joke he attempts falls flat, yet he keeps trying. And lastly; Seacrest will do anything to put the physical attention on him. Is all the choreography really necessary? You know, where he is randomly walking all around the stage, or backstage, or in the center of a young crowd in the audience looking up at the sky, or walking down a giant staircase dramatically, and on and on and on....
Its getting to the point where Im starting to long for the days of Brian Dunkleman. Yes. Its that bad.
And now, onto non-Seacrest topics. What the hell was up with Randy's Cosby sweater-vest with the elephant in the corner pocket? I was baffled by that fashion statement.
Kara continues her quest to bang Simon, and to get into all of his camera shots. And Ellen just looks like a Keebler Elf. Actually, she sort of resembles Dr. Oz, who resembles a Keebler Elf.
After the 9-hour long Seacrest ego-stroking intro, the show began by Ryan asking the crowd to yell out their favorite contestant, to which they replied in unison:
"GHTYYOOOUURB^^HH$33DFHRTTYCXWENNBOWANDRWASHIOBYNAAAAXXLGvndoaieovndoi!!!!"
Ah! Glad we got THAT cleared up.
Then Seacrest attempted to be funny and hip by sitting in the audience and talking smack with this week's mentor, Usher. Seacrest and Usher sat and talked about nothing important while wearing shades. FINALLY; Ryan introduced the first contestant, and the show actually started to roll....
1. SIOBHAN: Sang Through the Fire by Chaka Khan. One of my favorite songs of all time, but there is only ONE Chaka Khan. It was pitchy dog. And she looked like she was here from outer space. Not her best performance by far, but she will be safe anyway. There was much worse to come.
2. CASEY JAMES: Sang Hold On Im Comin by Sam and Dave. Wear your hair down you sexy beast. I dont like the ponytail. Really good performance. And by that, I mean ... sleep with me.
3. BIG MIKE: Okay first of all, stop calling him Big Mike. Its dumb. Just Mike will be fine. I thought his version of India Arie's Ready for Love was quite beautiful. I also thought it was sooo awkward that they had him performing in FRONT of the judges seats; yet they didnt have the judges turn around to watch him. What the hell was that about? Here judges ...watch Big Mike on this tiny screen, instead of TURNING AROUND and watching him live, right in front of your face. Swivel those chairs around you lazy asses. Made no sense to me.
4. DIDI BENAMI: This is why Siobhans bad performance didnt really matter much. Because Didi's was pretty awful. Sang What Becomes of the Brokenhearted. Actually, she wailed it. Very offkey, flat, sharp, and everything else you can think of other than good. Just a complete trainwreck.
5. TIM URBAN: Week after week, this dork takes great songs and manages to make them somehow the most boring, mundane song on earth. He has done it again!!! This time its Anita Baker that he removed the soul and heart from, and sang in his Brady Bunch floppy haired nonstyle. And for the Love of dorks, BLINK DUDE BLINK!!!! Usher told him to sing it to someone special, not to creepily stare them down with your all-white eyeballs. This dork would smile through anything. I think if he was senselessly murdering someone in the middle of the night, he would smile all the way through it. And he would never blink. Jesus Christ dude, lets take the cheesyness down a notch...or ten. Oh yeah ..and he sang like shit.
6. LOAF OF BREAD (Andrew Garcia): Good for you loaf of bread!!! You finally lived up to your dumb Paula Abdul moment by taking on Chris Browns song Forever. I cant help thinking of THE OFFICE and/or the famous wedding youtube video whenever I hear this song, so it was really cool to hear the song slowed down and turned into more of a ballod. I definately enjoyed this version. Loaf of bread's Zebra-print wearing mom screaming at Simon by yet another forced moment by Seacrest, not so much.
7. KATIE STEVENS: Aretha. Katie. Aretha. Katie. Nope, doesnt have the same ring to it. Sorry. Vocally she is good, but she is just a girl with a good voice. Thats it. Shes like a vanilla cone with no sprinkles, and when she sings something like Aretha, that fact only becomes more obvious.
8. LEE DEWYZE: What is with all the silver tonight? He also looked like an alien. However, I did think his performance was very strong and I love his raspy growling voice. Hes got a really great sound.
9. CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Last week she said she had a big surprise in store for this week. I thought maybe it would be that she decided to shower or wash her feet. Instead though, she got behind the piano and did a kickass version of Gladys' Midnight Train to Georgia. One of my top five songs EVER. Its official now: this girl can do no wrong. She is just sooo on a different level than everyone there. I also thought that for the first time, she did look as if she had washed her feet and showered. Bonus!
10. AARON KELLY: Ugh. He looks like he is aging backwards week after week. He started out looking about 12, then 11, then about 10, and now, he looks about 7yrs old tops. I cannot take him seriously with his 7yr old body and his Alfalfa hairdo. This kid could cure cancer and Id still hate him. Why does he continue to sing songs that should be sung by an old soul with some life experience? Bill Withers? Really? Cmon kid. Lets get real here.
If there is a God, floppy-haired dork Urban or 7year old douchebag will go home tomorrow.
But something tells me the pre-teen girls will keep both of them on yet another week and Didi will go.
I dont care enough to change this fact by voting myself of course. I just enjoy complaining.
The end.
Its getting to the point where Im starting to long for the days of Brian Dunkleman. Yes. Its that bad.
And now, onto non-Seacrest topics. What the hell was up with Randy's Cosby sweater-vest with the elephant in the corner pocket? I was baffled by that fashion statement.
Kara continues her quest to bang Simon, and to get into all of his camera shots. And Ellen just looks like a Keebler Elf. Actually, she sort of resembles Dr. Oz, who resembles a Keebler Elf.
After the 9-hour long Seacrest ego-stroking intro, the show began by Ryan asking the crowd to yell out their favorite contestant, to which they replied in unison:
"GHTYYOOOUURB^^HH$33DFHRTTYCXWENNBOWANDRWASHIOBYNAAAAXXLGvndoaieovndoi!!!!"
Ah! Glad we got THAT cleared up.
Okay. So most of you are aware of my violent hatred of The Seacrest. Well, he is getting progessively worse week after week on this show. His constant need for all the attention to be on HIM is really getting out of control. His annoying post-song banter with every contestant was bad enough, but now he is just becoming a giant pest and making the contestants and audience feel uncomfortable. Was it really necessary to push Didi Benami into telling him WHY she was so emotional singing her song during rehearsal? She told him, TWICE, that she didnt want to talk about it, that the song means a lot to her. Yet, he still forced her and seemed to want to make her cry AGAIN. What an ass. Then; his random no purpose comment to Crystal Bowersox about "Will you consider wearing an off the shoulder shirt next week like Kara?" Umm, WHAT? Oh my God. Shut the hell up already. He is going from annoying to full-on prick. I also cannot stand how he is always trying so hard to be funny. Isnt that why we brought Ellen on the show, to add comic element? Seacrest - YOU ARE NOT FUNNY. At all. Every joke he attempts falls flat, yet he keeps trying. And lastly; Seacrest will do anything to put the physical attention on him. Is all the choreography really necessary? You know, where he is randomly walking all around the stage, or backstage, or in the center of a young crowd in the audience looking up at the sky, or walking down a giant staircase dramatically, and on and on and on....
Its getting to the point where Im starting to long for the days of Brian Dunkleman. Yes. Its that bad.
And now, onto non-Seacrest topics. What the hell was up with Randy's Cosby sweater-vest with the elephant in the corner pocket? I was baffled by that fashion statement.
Kara continues her quest to bang Simon, and to get into all of his camera shots. And Ellen just looks like a Keebler Elf. Actually, she sort of resembles Dr. Oz, who resembles a Keebler Elf.
After the 9-hour long Seacrest ego-stroking intro, the show began by Ryan asking the crowd to yell out their favorite contestant, to which they replied in unison:
"GHTYYOOOUURB^^HH$33DFHRTTYCXWENNBOWANDRWASHIOBYNAAAAXXLGvndoaieovndoi!!!!"
Ah! Glad we got THAT cleared up.
Then Seacrest attempted to be funny and hip by sitting in the audience and talking smack with this week's mentor, Usher. Seacrest and Usher sat and talked about nothing important while wearing shades. FINALLY; Ryan introduced the first contestant, and the show actually started to roll....
1. SIOBHAN: Sang Through the Fire by Chaka Khan. One of my favorite songs of all time, but there is only ONE Chaka Khan. It was pitchy dog. And she looked like she was here from outer space. Not her best performance by far, but she will be safe anyway. There was much worse to come.
2. CASEY JAMES: Sang Hold On Im Comin by Sam and Dave. Wear your hair down you sexy beast. I dont like the ponytail. Really good performance. And by that, I mean ... sleep with me.
3. BIG MIKE: Okay first of all, stop calling him Big Mike. Its dumb. Just Mike will be fine. I thought his version of India Arie's Ready for Love was quite beautiful. I also thought it was sooo awkward that they had him performing in FRONT of the judges seats; yet they didnt have the judges turn around to watch him. What the hell was that about? Here judges ...watch Big Mike on this tiny screen, instead of TURNING AROUND and watching him live, right in front of your face. Swivel those chairs around you lazy asses. Made no sense to me.
4. DIDI BENAMI: This is why Siobhans bad performance didnt really matter much. Because Didi's was pretty awful. Sang What Becomes of the Brokenhearted. Actually, she wailed it. Very offkey, flat, sharp, and everything else you can think of other than good. Just a complete trainwreck.
5. TIM URBAN: Week after week, this dork takes great songs and manages to make them somehow the most boring, mundane song on earth. He has done it again!!! This time its Anita Baker that he removed the soul and heart from, and sang in his Brady Bunch floppy haired nonstyle. And for the Love of dorks, BLINK DUDE BLINK!!!! Usher told him to sing it to someone special, not to creepily stare them down with your all-white eyeballs. This dork would smile through anything. I think if he was senselessly murdering someone in the middle of the night, he would smile all the way through it. And he would never blink. Jesus Christ dude, lets take the cheesyness down a notch...or ten. Oh yeah ..and he sang like shit.
6. LOAF OF BREAD (Andrew Garcia): Good for you loaf of bread!!! You finally lived up to your dumb Paula Abdul moment by taking on Chris Browns song Forever. I cant help thinking of THE OFFICE and/or the famous wedding youtube video whenever I hear this song, so it was really cool to hear the song slowed down and turned into more of a ballod. I definately enjoyed this version. Loaf of bread's Zebra-print wearing mom screaming at Simon by yet another forced moment by Seacrest, not so much.
7. KATIE STEVENS: Aretha. Katie. Aretha. Katie. Nope, doesnt have the same ring to it. Sorry. Vocally she is good, but she is just a girl with a good voice. Thats it. Shes like a vanilla cone with no sprinkles, and when she sings something like Aretha, that fact only becomes more obvious.
8. LEE DEWYZE: What is with all the silver tonight? He also looked like an alien. However, I did think his performance was very strong and I love his raspy growling voice. Hes got a really great sound.
9. CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Last week she said she had a big surprise in store for this week. I thought maybe it would be that she decided to shower or wash her feet. Instead though, she got behind the piano and did a kickass version of Gladys' Midnight Train to Georgia. One of my top five songs EVER. Its official now: this girl can do no wrong. She is just sooo on a different level than everyone there. I also thought that for the first time, she did look as if she had washed her feet and showered. Bonus!
10. AARON KELLY: Ugh. He looks like he is aging backwards week after week. He started out looking about 12, then 11, then about 10, and now, he looks about 7yrs old tops. I cannot take him seriously with his 7yr old body and his Alfalfa hairdo. This kid could cure cancer and Id still hate him. Why does he continue to sing songs that should be sung by an old soul with some life experience? Bill Withers? Really? Cmon kid. Lets get real here.
If there is a God, floppy-haired dork Urban or 7year old douchebag will go home tomorrow.
But something tells me the pre-teen girls will keep both of them on yet another week and Didi will go.
I dont care enough to change this fact by voting myself of course. I just enjoy complaining.
The end.
American Idol Review - The "Sucky Miley Cyrus Episode"
So Im going to start writing fun reviews of the IDOL episodes on here. Why? Because Its enjoyable to mock all the bad on the show, and also great to take ANY opportunity to slam Ryan Seacrest more publically than I already have. My hatred for him knows no bounds.
But lets be honest. The real reason I love watching this show is for the raw talent that comes along every once in awhile and surprises you. This year, for me, its Crystal Bowersox. I know this because of the most simple thing: EVERYTIME she starts her performance, my husband and I CRANK our tv volume. Yes, she seems to exude stank feet and B.O. and other classic hippy qualities right through the tv screen, but thats part of her charm. She knows exactly who she is, and shes amazingly talented.
So we begin. Last night the episode started by scaring the living crap out of me. All the contestants were lined up on the stage as if they were being held hostage, and then a GIGANTIC MOVIE SCREEN SEACREST HEAD appeared behind them, barking out his usual drivel that always ends with the annoying "THISSS................ Is American Idol!!!!!" (followed by that annoying music that my husband imitates frighteningly well.)
Just when I thought things couldnt possibly get any worse than a Max Headrum-like Seacrest across my tv screen in HD, they did. Because at that moment, Seacrest announced that the "guest mentor" tonight would be Miley Cyrus. The words kept piercing my soul like O.J.s knife ...guest. mentor. Miley. MENTOR!!!??!!! I know its for ratings and for young dumb pre-teen kids, but cmon now, have they finally lost their minds? In what way is Miley Cyrus a MENTOR? What the hell is she going to teach these people? She is HANNAH MONTANA for Christ Sakes. And never mind her singing voice's mediocrity, have you heard the girl SPEAK? She has one of the most irritating voices Ive ever heard. I really wanted to throw myself out my 3rd story apartment window everytime she came on, but Im too fat to fit through the screen. So instead, I watched ....
The tension between Simon and Seacrest is getting worse. And yes, I do think its real, because I can FEEL Simons contempt and anger toward Ryan. I feel it because I have that same anger. One of my favorite moments last night was when Ryan got a bit too close and Simon shooed him away like a pet dog:"Stay. Stay. Now sit. Good boy." So condescendingly funny. And speaking of Simon, anyone else noticing that anytime there is a camera shot of him, KARA is also in it like a tiny little insect in the corner? She is a big ole horndog this season. First she practically mentally rapes contestant Casey James during auditons and the first couple episodes ever, and now she is all over Simon every night, draping her whole body around his every chance she gets. Her FACE is right next to his all the time, and their chairs get closer and closer with each camera shot. It looks like Randy and Ellen are seated in a different stratosphere altogether. I dont know what it is about Kara, but I dont like her. Wait, I do know what it is. Shes annoying, and she resembles a cross-eyed Muppet.
Now, onto the mostly awful performances and "mentoring" Miley:
1. LEE DEWYZE: Sang The Letter. Through most of his performance, he looked like he was going into cardiac arrest or moments from a stroke with all the flailing about and such, but I did think it was a pretty good choice of song for him and I have to say I liked the version musically. His voice sounded good and it wasnt awful. But Im not pickin up the phone for that. Well, I dont pick up the phone for any of em honestly, but lets just say hypothetically that I DID vote, I wouldnt vote for him.
2. PAIGE MILES: Or, as I like to call her, "Ole Bug Eyes." Seriously, Im at the point now where I just automatically fast -forward her on my DVR (does anyone really watch this show live??? If you do, youre nuts to sit through commercials and endless boring Seacrest after-performance ego-banter) So, I fast forwarded her like usual, until I heard all the hilarious comments from the judges about how AWFUL she was. So of course I had to go back and hear for myself. Let me just say the combination of the horrific Phil Collins song "Against All Odds" and her singing it in about 19 different keys, each one being off-pitch, was mind-boggling. For the love of pitch, send this chick home already.
3. TIM URBAN: This kids mere floppy hairdo existance pisses me off. I dont even know why really. I think he was put here to annoy me. Anyway, he sang Queens Crazy Little Thing Called Love. My husband and I kept singing it with him with new lyrics "this thing...called votes...it keeps me here... I suck...cant sing... but girls...they keep me here...crazy that Im on this show..." All the slip sliding on the stage and the hand-grabs with the dummies in the audience, what was that about? Ick. So cheesy cheesy cheesy. I felt like I was watching Davy Jones performing at Marcia Bradys prom. Yuck.
4. AARON KELLY: Okay, remember when I said that Tim Urbans mere existance pissed me off? Yeah, well, strike that. The fact that Aaron Kelly lives pisses me off more. When Ellen said "what are you in the 3rd grade?" that was very funny. He looks like he is eleven, and grins stupidly ALL THE TIME. And Im sorry, but watching a child sing Aerosmiths Dont Wanna Miss A Thing is just extremely silly. I CANNOT take it seriously. And by the way, what the F was he wearing with the collars and sleeves from 1974? I have no idea why they liked this performance. It was retarded.
5. CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Turn up the volume, Crystal is singin Janis. There really are no words for how good this performance was and how incredibly naturally gifted this girl is. Just listen to her. Shes magnetic and just, well, awesome.
6. MICHAEL LYNCH: I think hes a close second to Crystal. I would LOVE to see a Crystal/Michael finale. His voice ... like buttah.
7. ANDREW GARCIA: First of all, he still looks like a giant walking loaf of bread to me. And secondly, can we PLEASE stop talking about his goddamn version of Paula Abduls "Straight Up?" Seriously, they bring it up on EVERY episode. Enough. Yes, it was very creative, it was his moment, but its been over for almost a month now and he hasnt done anything else worth talking about since then. The reality is that he is a good, talented performer who got lost in the Top 12 and isnt standing out anymore. Lets all move on. Oh,and while rehearsing with his MENTOR Miley, he kept forgetting the words to Heard It Through the Grapevine. Really? Im sorry, but thats just sad. These kids are always forgetting lyrics to songs that have the simplest lyrics on earth. Gee, Im surprised that the genius Miley Cyrus couldnt help him with that problem. Or any problem. She was pointless.
8. KATIE STEVENS: Eh. Im tired of them telling her to be younger. What do they want her to do, show up in a diaper and sing Daddys Little Girl? In any case, Im really bored with her. She DOES come across like a Beauty Pagent Contestant and although she has a really nice voice, its really unoriginal and I cant see ever buying her albums. She sang Fergie's ....eh...does it really even matter? Yawn.
9. CASEY JAMES: Ill give this one about a B+. I really like him, and not just because hes beyond cute in the same way Brad Pitt was beyond cute in "Thelma and Louise" all those years ago, but because his voice is really good. And because he is really very cute. And good. And by that I mean cute.
10. DIDI BENAMI: Hmmm. I go back and forth with her. I think her voice is so unique and sometimes fantastic. Then other times, like on this song, it just sounds all over the place. I hope she stays though because she has a lot of talent and is waay less annoying than some of these other twerps.
11. SIOBHAN MAGNUS: Sigh. Okay. I know everyones making a huge deal about how great she is, and how unique and different, and she is. Really. But, as Kara says "heres the thing..." The first time she did that scream/piercingly high note at the end of a song, it was very impressive and organic. It felt like it belonged in the song, and it sounded incredible. The second time she did it, it felt forced and pushed, and like "where the hell did THAT come from?" It was unnecessary. The third time she did that note, last night, it made me want to punch her in the face repeatedly until her silly, too large glasses fall off her weirdly shaped head. Seriously. Its enough already with the high note. We get it. You can sing Mariah-style at the drop of a hat. Its just not that impressive or appealing when you do it in EVERY SONG. Aside form that, I thought her performance of Superstition was actually quite good. I love her voice and she is wonderful at giving the audience something different each time. Sometimes the whole quirkyness thing feels a little bit pushed to me though.
And there you have it. How was Miley Cyrus as a mentor? She sucked. I cant name one thing she said to those people that had any value whatsoever. She basically gave them lots of generic advice like "Yeah you sound great, just believe in yourself more and youll be golden!" or "Wow youre really good. Just go out there and dont suck as much as me and youll be great!" Okay, that was actually good advice.
Who is going home? Well, hopefully itll be between Ole Bug Eyes Paige and Tweedle Dork and Tweedle Dorkier (Tim and Aaron.) Or the loaf of bread. Its hard to say.
But lets be honest. The real reason I love watching this show is for the raw talent that comes along every once in awhile and surprises you. This year, for me, its Crystal Bowersox. I know this because of the most simple thing: EVERYTIME she starts her performance, my husband and I CRANK our tv volume. Yes, she seems to exude stank feet and B.O. and other classic hippy qualities right through the tv screen, but thats part of her charm. She knows exactly who she is, and shes amazingly talented.
So we begin. Last night the episode started by scaring the living crap out of me. All the contestants were lined up on the stage as if they were being held hostage, and then a GIGANTIC MOVIE SCREEN SEACREST HEAD appeared behind them, barking out his usual drivel that always ends with the annoying "THISSS................ Is American Idol!!!!!" (followed by that annoying music that my husband imitates frighteningly well.)
Just when I thought things couldnt possibly get any worse than a Max Headrum-like Seacrest across my tv screen in HD, they did. Because at that moment, Seacrest announced that the "guest mentor" tonight would be Miley Cyrus. The words kept piercing my soul like O.J.s knife ...guest. mentor. Miley. MENTOR!!!??!!! I know its for ratings and for young dumb pre-teen kids, but cmon now, have they finally lost their minds? In what way is Miley Cyrus a MENTOR? What the hell is she going to teach these people? She is HANNAH MONTANA for Christ Sakes. And never mind her singing voice's mediocrity, have you heard the girl SPEAK? She has one of the most irritating voices Ive ever heard. I really wanted to throw myself out my 3rd story apartment window everytime she came on, but Im too fat to fit through the screen. So instead, I watched ....
The tension between Simon and Seacrest is getting worse. And yes, I do think its real, because I can FEEL Simons contempt and anger toward Ryan. I feel it because I have that same anger. One of my favorite moments last night was when Ryan got a bit too close and Simon shooed him away like a pet dog:"Stay. Stay. Now sit. Good boy." So condescendingly funny. And speaking of Simon, anyone else noticing that anytime there is a camera shot of him, KARA is also in it like a tiny little insect in the corner? She is a big ole horndog this season. First she practically mentally rapes contestant Casey James during auditons and the first couple episodes ever, and now she is all over Simon every night, draping her whole body around his every chance she gets. Her FACE is right next to his all the time, and their chairs get closer and closer with each camera shot. It looks like Randy and Ellen are seated in a different stratosphere altogether. I dont know what it is about Kara, but I dont like her. Wait, I do know what it is. Shes annoying, and she resembles a cross-eyed Muppet.
Now, onto the mostly awful performances and "mentoring" Miley:
1. LEE DEWYZE: Sang The Letter. Through most of his performance, he looked like he was going into cardiac arrest or moments from a stroke with all the flailing about and such, but I did think it was a pretty good choice of song for him and I have to say I liked the version musically. His voice sounded good and it wasnt awful. But Im not pickin up the phone for that. Well, I dont pick up the phone for any of em honestly, but lets just say hypothetically that I DID vote, I wouldnt vote for him.
2. PAIGE MILES: Or, as I like to call her, "Ole Bug Eyes." Seriously, Im at the point now where I just automatically fast -forward her on my DVR (does anyone really watch this show live??? If you do, youre nuts to sit through commercials and endless boring Seacrest after-performance ego-banter) So, I fast forwarded her like usual, until I heard all the hilarious comments from the judges about how AWFUL she was. So of course I had to go back and hear for myself. Let me just say the combination of the horrific Phil Collins song "Against All Odds" and her singing it in about 19 different keys, each one being off-pitch, was mind-boggling. For the love of pitch, send this chick home already.
3. TIM URBAN: This kids mere floppy hairdo existance pisses me off. I dont even know why really. I think he was put here to annoy me. Anyway, he sang Queens Crazy Little Thing Called Love. My husband and I kept singing it with him with new lyrics "this thing...called votes...it keeps me here... I suck...cant sing... but girls...they keep me here...crazy that Im on this show..." All the slip sliding on the stage and the hand-grabs with the dummies in the audience, what was that about? Ick. So cheesy cheesy cheesy. I felt like I was watching Davy Jones performing at Marcia Bradys prom. Yuck.
4. AARON KELLY: Okay, remember when I said that Tim Urbans mere existance pissed me off? Yeah, well, strike that. The fact that Aaron Kelly lives pisses me off more. When Ellen said "what are you in the 3rd grade?" that was very funny. He looks like he is eleven, and grins stupidly ALL THE TIME. And Im sorry, but watching a child sing Aerosmiths Dont Wanna Miss A Thing is just extremely silly. I CANNOT take it seriously. And by the way, what the F was he wearing with the collars and sleeves from 1974? I have no idea why they liked this performance. It was retarded.
5. CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Turn up the volume, Crystal is singin Janis. There really are no words for how good this performance was and how incredibly naturally gifted this girl is. Just listen to her. Shes magnetic and just, well, awesome.
6. MICHAEL LYNCH: I think hes a close second to Crystal. I would LOVE to see a Crystal/Michael finale. His voice ... like buttah.
7. ANDREW GARCIA: First of all, he still looks like a giant walking loaf of bread to me. And secondly, can we PLEASE stop talking about his goddamn version of Paula Abduls "Straight Up?" Seriously, they bring it up on EVERY episode. Enough. Yes, it was very creative, it was his moment, but its been over for almost a month now and he hasnt done anything else worth talking about since then. The reality is that he is a good, talented performer who got lost in the Top 12 and isnt standing out anymore. Lets all move on. Oh,and while rehearsing with his MENTOR Miley, he kept forgetting the words to Heard It Through the Grapevine. Really? Im sorry, but thats just sad. These kids are always forgetting lyrics to songs that have the simplest lyrics on earth. Gee, Im surprised that the genius Miley Cyrus couldnt help him with that problem. Or any problem. She was pointless.
8. KATIE STEVENS: Eh. Im tired of them telling her to be younger. What do they want her to do, show up in a diaper and sing Daddys Little Girl? In any case, Im really bored with her. She DOES come across like a Beauty Pagent Contestant and although she has a really nice voice, its really unoriginal and I cant see ever buying her albums. She sang Fergie's ....eh...does it really even matter? Yawn.
9. CASEY JAMES: Ill give this one about a B+. I really like him, and not just because hes beyond cute in the same way Brad Pitt was beyond cute in "Thelma and Louise" all those years ago, but because his voice is really good. And because he is really very cute. And good. And by that I mean cute.
10. DIDI BENAMI: Hmmm. I go back and forth with her. I think her voice is so unique and sometimes fantastic. Then other times, like on this song, it just sounds all over the place. I hope she stays though because she has a lot of talent and is waay less annoying than some of these other twerps.
11. SIOBHAN MAGNUS: Sigh. Okay. I know everyones making a huge deal about how great she is, and how unique and different, and she is. Really. But, as Kara says "heres the thing..." The first time she did that scream/piercingly high note at the end of a song, it was very impressive and organic. It felt like it belonged in the song, and it sounded incredible. The second time she did it, it felt forced and pushed, and like "where the hell did THAT come from?" It was unnecessary. The third time she did that note, last night, it made me want to punch her in the face repeatedly until her silly, too large glasses fall off her weirdly shaped head. Seriously. Its enough already with the high note. We get it. You can sing Mariah-style at the drop of a hat. Its just not that impressive or appealing when you do it in EVERY SONG. Aside form that, I thought her performance of Superstition was actually quite good. I love her voice and she is wonderful at giving the audience something different each time. Sometimes the whole quirkyness thing feels a little bit pushed to me though.
And there you have it. How was Miley Cyrus as a mentor? She sucked. I cant name one thing she said to those people that had any value whatsoever. She basically gave them lots of generic advice like "Yeah you sound great, just believe in yourself more and youll be golden!" or "Wow youre really good. Just go out there and dont suck as much as me and youll be great!" Okay, that was actually good advice.
Who is going home? Well, hopefully itll be between Ole Bug Eyes Paige and Tweedle Dork and Tweedle Dorkier (Tim and Aaron.) Or the loaf of bread. Its hard to say.
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