AMERICAN IDOL FINALE (Part 2) -Goodbye Simon, Hello Paint Salesman

So this is the end folks. The end of the Idol season, the end of Simon's Idol career, and the end of a local paint salesman ...selling paint. Now Lee Dwyze will instead be selling his mediocre albums, as your NEW AMERICAN IDOL!!! Thats right everyone. Lee won the show, and I dont know about you all, but I certainly was not surprised. America enjoys a good Nilla Wafer. Im going to repost a good friends status message from the day after the finale, because I thought it was brilliant and summed up the way that people seem to vote for their American Idol:

Marina K. - thinks AMERICAN IDOL should be re-named "PICK THE WHITE GUY WHO CAN SING GOOD AT YOUR COUSIN'S PIZZA HUT."

And thats pretty much it right there, isnt it? Here we had a clear choice between an okay singer who sounds like about 900 other okay singers, and a girl who is unbelievably gifted as a musician and songwriter even. America went with the safe choice. Because he sells paint, and apparently that is an attractive "All American" quality for some reason. If it wasnt, the show wouldnt have mentioned it every 5 seconds of every episode. Because if I have to hear about what a NICE guy Lee is one more time, I might commit a senseless murder. Crystal is JUST AS NICE of a person as he is, and has shown that on many occasions during the shows run. And anyway, who cares? Its a singing contest, isnt it? Well no, its really not. Its a "who do we want to have a beer with the most" contest. Just like the Presidential Elections. This is our country folks. This is just how we vote. Sometimes its the right choice, sometimes not. Most times we get it wrong. In this case, it doesnt really matter, as Crystals talent will be picked up by someone out there immediately. Her phone is probably already ringing off the hook ...

Before Lee won the title, however, a whole lot of other stuff happened in this 2-hour jam packed Finale. Most of it was fantastic; some of it strange; and even more of it just downright awkward.

Lets start where we always start - at the beginning:

The show began with a pretty kick-ass, although somewhat baffling, opening number of Alice Cooper's SCHOOLS OUT; featuring the Top 10 Idols with Alice Cooper himself. The gang was all dressed up in school uniforms, complete with creepy face makeup. The performance was great. The reason I call it baffling is because I find it odd that Idol would choose an Alice Cooper song as the opening number on a show that is mostly watched by young people. In fact, most of the performers on the shows Finale; although impressive big names; were of the "older pursuasion" shall we say. As in, most younger people who watch the show dont know who the hell Alice Cooper or Joe Cocker or Chicago or Hall and Oates or Michael McDonald ARE. So, either American Idol is not capable of getting big CURRENT names for the finale, (which I find hard to believe considering all the huge names they always seem to get) or they are purposely directing the show at the cougars, housewives, and the adult SECRET male audience. (you know you are out there and you know who you are. All you adult men out there who watch the show but claim its because your wife MAKES you, or you watch the show but forget to mention it to your coworkers the next morning. We know who you are. Give it up.)

American Idol loves to open their results shows with a cheesy, Brady Bunch variety show style group number; and the finale was no different. If you looked closely in the SCHOOLS OUT number though, you could see that The Child looked as if A. he didnt know the words to the song AT ALL and B. he was half asleep. He really did look tired. Schools NOT out for him, after all, and it WAS a school night.

Next up was last years "boring white guy" Idol winner; Kris Allen; with his new song entitled .... seriously, does anyone give a shit about this guys new album? I know I dont. Who cares what the songs called really. This performance would have been completely not worth mentioning, other than the fact that there was some sort of sound glitch when Kris started to sing; and you could clearly hear douchebag Seacrest in the background - talking. He didnt say anything of importance, as usual, but I was REALLY hoping he would have chosen that moment to scream out something horribly embarassing, like "I LOVE LITTLE BOYS!" But, no such luck. Instead, we just had to watch boring Kris sing. Zzzzz.....

Throughout the night, we were reminded that Simon Cowell was leaving the show with a series of tribute montages, and a few other surprises. The first of these montages was very cute and funny, and basically showed some of Simons best "insults" and comments to past contestants. I am a big ole sap for Simon myself; and my love for him is as strong as my hatred for Seacrest. So the montages and Simon moments during the Finale got me a little bit emotional. I really hate to see him go. To me, the end of Simon is the end of Idol. Thats not to say I wont continue watching the show. We will see. But the show will not be the same without him. It will absolutely lose something of huge significance. It doesnt exactly help the show that their "something of significance" will be moving onto his OWN show; fully produced and owned by him; and on the same FOX network, most likely in direct competition with Idol. This should be interesting. Or not.

Up next was a Bee-Gees medley duet by The Child and The Psychotic Evil Screamer (Siobhan). Surprisingly, they had pretty good harmony together. Once I stopped being creeped out by how The Child closes his eyes the entire time hes singing; or how Creepy Screamer Girl hisses her notes out while showing her long sharp fang teeth; I sort of enjoyed their little creepfest number. Then out came the Bee-Gees to join them, and the one dude looked like he had been living on bread and water as a hostage somewhere for the past 10 years. Holy Christ man, eat a sandwich or seven, would ya?

This became the pattern for the Finale. First, the Idol contestant of choice would come out to the stage and begin singing someones song ... and then, somewhere around the 2nd verse, that person would suddenly appear out of a puff of smoke and finish the song with them. It was kind of cool trying to guess who would come out from behind the curtain. I was having fun with it. In todays world of INSTANT technology and gratification, Idol usually does a pretty good job of keeping it secret as to who will be on the Finale. And they also usually get some pretty darn good acts. Theyre not foolin around.

So the next combo was Michael Lynch with Michael McDonald. Okay, so theyre not ALL winners. The pair sang the hit TAKIN IT TO THE STREETS. Now, you know you are getting old and perhaps losing your once unique singing sound when the Idol contestant singing with you kind of kicks your ass vocally. Michael LYNCH was better than Michael MCDONALD on this one. McDonald still had his stuff - but it sounded like his stuff had been trampled on by a herd of very mean elephants. Oh, and also - he looked like a human Papa Smurf.

Then came the lame comedy routine; and by that; I mean Dane Cook. Now personally; Ive never been a fan of Dane Cook; so when he kind of bombed live on the American Idol finale; I must admit I smiled inside. Okay, I smiled outside too. It wasnt ALL his fault though. He started out doing a pretty lame song / guitar number all about Simon, and the mean things Simon has said to some of the less talented hopefuls during early auditions. Then, they made the mistake of bringing those freaks onto the stage with Cook. At this point, it all went haywire and one of the freaks grabbed the microphone and started yelling all kinds of crap about how HE would take over for Simon when hes gone, and how this is all Bullshit, yadda yadda yadda. American Idol quickly and in the most non-subtle way possible, CUT away from Cook in the middle of his song and went to commercial. They should have let that play out and let the freak make a fool of himself, I think. Hell, Dane Cook is a comic, and he should have been able to handle that loser. Just another heckler in his eyes. Cook later commented on his twitter page that he was upset to be cut off during his song like that. I dont blame him really. What was Idol thinking bringing those freaks up there onstage? They are FREAKS!!! The whole reason they auditioned for the show in the first place was to get ATTENTION and be on tv. They are attention-tv-whores. Didnt you think they would pull something like that? So really, thats what you get for allowing people like that up on your stage during a live show. Havent you learned anything from the streakers at the Oscars? Dumbasses.

After that trainwreck was finally over, two really great performances happened back to back. First up were the Top 5 girls who sang Christina Aguilera's BEAUTIFUL; ending with Christina herself; who then did another solo number alone. She looked like a human lampshade, but her voice sounded incredible.

The Top 5 men performed some Hall and Oates; and then Hall and Oates did what seemed like a mini-concert of some of their biggest hits. I found it hilarious that while Hall was up on a higher stage platform, pointless and insignificant Oates was standing lower and looked like a small boy singing with his daddy.

Next came one of my favorite moments of the evening; Crystal Bowersox singing Alanis Morisettes IRONIC; followed by a duet between the two of YOU OUGHTTA KNOW (lyrics severely edited on that one.) It was a joy watching these two huge talents perform together, and you could see the admiration Crystal has for Alanis in her eyes while doing so. It was fantastic.

Another highly memorable moment was when Casey James started to sing Poisons EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN (and he sang it VERY well. Why couldnt he sing this well during the actual competition?) and then ... no way ... it cant be ... its not possible .... yup, it is... here comes Brett Michaels to join him!!! Brett Michaels! The man who was pretty much on his death bed just a week before. The man who had a brain hemorhage and suffers diabetes. I will admit it - I like this guy. How you CANT like him is beyond me. He just seems so damn nice. And although he doesnt work in a paintstore like Lee, he just seems like the most laid back, fun person to hang with. That was a cool duet. They sounded great.

Lee Dwyze singing with Chicago, on the other hand, was a bit awkward. First of all, its not even really Chicago anymore, its half of Chicago and some random dude. Secondly, Chicago was famous for their harmonies. Where was the harmony? There wasnt any. Lee sounded okay, but strained and a bit OFF as per usual; but the whole thing just seemed a tad unbalanced and "pitchy dude." It was one of those performances that I WISH was better than it actually was. But still ...its Chicago, and thats cool.

NOW WE COME TO THE "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU PEOPLE THINKING WITH THIS SH*T?" PORTION OF THE SHOW:

Part One of the Shit Show was a bizarre performance of the hilariously made famous "Pants on the Ground" song. Now, I did expect that they would bring this dude out and have him sing his song, because the song IS funny as hell and thats what Idol always does when something becomes big during auditions. And it started out amusing with Larry Platt, the originator of the song, simply singing it. Then it got weird. Suddenly it was a broadway show on crack with several "Pants on the Ground Dancers!!!" coming out with loose pants dancing in a circle around Platt as he sang a strange, sort of hip hop version of the tune. And THEN, that friggin HACK William Hung was dragged out to sing it with him. Why, I have no idea. What does he have to do with anything? He got his 15 seconds of fame during HIS season, when HE had HIS bad audition and then was carted out to sing badly all over again. Why is he back and why doe he keep coming back? Go away already. Youre not funny, and youre annoying. This whole thing felt like a bad acid trip.

And speaking of bad acid trips, lets talk about the return of Paula Abdul. Yes, this was Part Two of the Shit Show. Abdul made her "surprise" visit when the curtain opened and there she stood in a ridiculous looking bright pink Bjork-like dress. She looked like the dancer that sits atop of a jewelry box. Paula showed up to give her heartfelt goodbyes to Simon; in what can only be described as the psychotic rantings of an escaped lunatic who took 12 too many Vicotin. Apparently, Paula was under the impression that she was asked there as a stand-up comedian, because she couldnt stop telling horrible lame jokes. That was bad enough. Then, she just woudlnt shut up. She kept talking ...and talking... and talking .... she was yammering on and on about God knows what, and she sounded like she was in a drunken, pill induced haze. Basically, it was a typical Paula Abdul appearance.


Once the trainwreck named Paula finally shut up, the show really went all out in tributing Simon by bringing out every single past Idol Winner (only David Cook was missing due to a previous charity engagement), along with a LOT of past Idol contestants from every single season. They all gathered on the stage and sang to Simon "Look Whats Become of Us" or some cheesy title. I gotta say, this was sweet. I started thinking back to all the different seasons of this show, and all the winners and non-winners, and looking at Kelly Clarkson; the first American Idol Winner; and I started to remember how unique of a concept this show was when it first started, how exciting. It was really neat to see all those people that have a career now because of Simon Cowell - honoring him in that way together. He was very moved himself, and you could tell that when he was called onto the stage and gave a little farewell speech, thanking everyone and pointing out that the audience are the REAL judges of the show; therefore the show will go on and prosper. True, I suppose, but Simon is the soul of the show. Honeslty, all the other judges are just filter. People care what Simon says about them.


The show started to wrap up with a performance by Michael Jackson, who apparently came back from the dead for this wonderful opportunity. Oh ... Im sorry ... whats that? Youre saying that wasnt Michael Jackson, it was JANET Jackson? Oh , I see. Because I saw Michael Jackson up there. I saw a dude with no hair and MICHAEL JACKSONS VOICE!!! (creeeepy!), singing exactly like Michael Jackson, note for note. So, what I got out of this is that Janet Jackson has chosen to deal with her brothers death, by becoming him. Creepiest performance ever. Thank God she went on to sing NASTY, because in that song she sounded like herself and it was back to normal again. Well, normal for a Jackson. What a creepfest family they are. In all seriousness though, It was good to see her performing again. As her brother Michael.


The last performance of the night before announcing the new Idol, was of course between the two finalists, Lee and Crystal. They began singing A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS together, which really did kick some serious ass. The two of them sound awfully good together. Eventually, they were joined by Joe Cocker, who resembled a white Fred Sanford of "Sanford and Son"; and although he really had to push it out of himself, that voice was still there. Sort of. Honestly, I was afraid he might drop of heart failure right there onstage, his veins were popping out so much. Talk about a finale.

Well guys, thats the show. Oh ........ right ....... and Lee is your American Idol. Did I forget to mention that? I guess thats important to say in a blog about the finale, right? Yeah, so Lee won. Obviously. DUH. Like anyone thought he wouldnt. I mean cmon now, the man sells paint in a paintstore. Hes practically an American Hero! They should name a holiday after him for Christs Sakes.

I will admit to being happy for him though. In that moment, when that confetti is flying everywhere all over the stage and you cant see a thing, and everyones hugging and crying and whoever wins cant get a note out of their new song because they are too overly emotional --- its a happy moment. Thrilling, even. And I felt badly for him, because he looked like he might literally pass out, before the winner was even announced. So, good for him. Whatever. I predict a mediocre career for him, but I could be wrong. I guess we will find out soon.

So thats it guys. For now. Thats your season. Thank you to everyone who has read and commented on my Idol blogs. They have been fun to write, and Ill continue to write them, If I continue to watch the show, which, lets face it, I probably will.

In the meantime, Ill be starting a blog on The Bachelorette which is on Monday nights. If youd like me to tag you on it, let me know, I figure it should be a perfect show to mock and could make some hilarious blog entries. You can also read all my Idol blogs, plus other comedy blogs, at my blogpage which is appropriately titled: http://ihateseacrest.blogspot.com/

Id like to end this blog with my TOP TEN personal favorite Simon comments over the years. I found these by looking online and watching some old clips of episodes. They made me laugh all over again. So goodbye for now Simon. These are for you:

10. "You came across as a background singer for a background singer."


9. "I’m tempted to ask if you sang that the night before your wife left you."


8. "You have the personality of a handle.”


7. "If you had lived 2,000 years ago and sung like that, I think they would have stoned you."


6. “You take singing lessons? Do you have a lawyer? Get a lawyer and sue your teacher.”


5. “You sound like a cat in a vacuum cleaner. Dreadful.”


4. “It was almost like you were giving birth there at the end.”


3. (when contestant continues to sing ballod) "I DONT want to hear a ballod!" (contestant starts singing another slow song) "Holy hell! Ill tell you what ...buy a dictionary, and look up 'ballod.' It says 'slow.' "

2. "Lets come back to Planet Earth for a moment ...I think youve just invented a new form of torture."




and this is why I love and respect him so much, because I believe the same thing that he says here:

1. “I haven’t done anything particularly harsh. Harshness to me is giving somebody false hopes and not following through. That’s harsh. Telling some guy or girl who’s got zero talent that they have zero talent actually is a kindness.”



P.S. Was Randy even THERE during the finale? I challenge you to find ONE thing that he did or said.

PIE

Im not really going to talk about pie. I only said that to entice readers to click onto this. Because pie is very enticing, dont you think? Especially chocolate cream pie. Or maybe apple. Or banana cream. Or whatever the fuck kind of pie you happen to enjoy. Okay, so I AM talking about pie, but now im finished talking about pie.

Except let me just say that rhubarb pie is gross, and "mincemeat" pie is the nastiest thing I have ever heard of. Who the fuck grinds up meat and calls it pie? Thats not fucking pie, its sloppy joe with some whipped cream. And then they stick goddamn raisins all over that bullshit too. OOh I just thought of another one... peanut butter pie. Thats good stuff. Okay, enough about pie. Really. I will now stop discussing it. After all, the subjectline of "pie" was supposed to be a lie and not the truth. But because pie is so good that its evil, I cant seem to stop talking about it.

Key-Lime pie. Now thats one I dont understand. Whats KEY?? Is that a type of lime? Explain. Blueberry pie you should only eat in private because noone wants to look at your whole fuckin mouth turn blue and gooey, blue teeth, lips, the whole thing. Eww. its just gross. I dont need to see that. Really. Get it away from me. Apple pie is quite delicious, but it looks nasty whenever there are any leftovers on someones plate. Looks like someone got incredibly ill all over the table. Just a big brown mess. Yuck. One time I went to someones house for Christmas Eve, and they made a Jello pie. Now thats just white trash right there. Jello pie? Its sort of like the Jello MOLD, but its pie. Not only is it incredibly disgusting, but Jello shouldnt have pie crust wrapped around it, its just weird. It also shouldnt have floating banana slices all up inside of it, looking like they are trapped in there and cant get out. Looks like they are drowning in a pool of Jello and they just sit in there and suffocate until they die. Bananas should not float in Jello. They should be set free to be eaten in the Fruedian way that they were intended.

Now that youve read this, click on the little button or whatever in the right corner of the blogpage that says Subscribe to/follow this blog... because I highly doubt you want to miss other riveting creative tales dealing with things like pie.

Mmmmmm, Pie.

AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW "Lee Dwyze Is a Paint Salesman, and a Very Nice Person" Part One

So its almost time to say goodbye for the season, and there are still so many unanswered questions. Like; was the island purgatory, or was the sideways world purgatory? What about the smoke monsters significance? Were all the characters dead, and if so, when did they die exactly? Was the church a waiting room to heaven? And what of Rose and .... Wait, whats that you say? Wrong show? Oh Im very sorry. I thought we were talking about LOST, since that is ALL anyone has talked about for the past two weeks. I cant even tell you how happy I am that show is finally over. But I digress ....

We Idol fans have our own unanswered questions as this season comes to a close: Will Seacrest EVER fall down those stairs? Will Crystals teeth get less yellow with each new album? Does Lee have any good pot he can sell me? Will Simon ever see a movie now that he has more time? Are Ellens ears actually growing? Is Randy dressing like this on purpose, or does he just really not know any better? (A bright red jacket with a multi-colored loud as hell shirt, and weird-ass 1980s bracelets - really?) Will I continue to watch this show after my beloved Simon departs, or will I switch over to his X-Factor? Or somehow watch both? Who will be the new judge? Will horny Cougar Kara ever get laid? And most importantly - will The Child be allowed to stay up past curfew to participate in tonights Finale? These questions and more will or will not be answered tonight.

But first things first. Last nights episode was a knock-down battle between Crystal and Lee for the title and last chance to vote for the new American Idol. Well, that all depends on what your definition of "battle" is, since really, Crystal wiped the floor with Lee's sleepy eyes. This wasnt even a contest. It was a rape. Crystal raped Lee, over and over, in 3 Rounds, in front of judges. And still, he barely reacted. I honestly think he is sleepwalking. Ive never seen someone with less emotion and personality. He is SO BORING. I do not understand the appeal of Lee. At all. At best, he is an okay, average artist and singer. He has major pitch issues and about 40% of the time, his voice falls flat or just misses entirely. His stage presence is blah, and he gives pretty much the same performance over and over again, every week. He seems bored by himself, honestly. I dont hate the guy, but whats with all the praise and votes for this dude? He seriously looks and acts like about 400 different guys I grew up, my own brother included. He is an everyday, average dude who plays a guitar pretty well and sings okay. Perhaps thats the point. He is relatable, likeable, blah blah blah ... and will probably win this show. And yes, I know it doesnt even matter and that Crystal WILL make kickass albums and have even more freedom from NOT winning, BUT, Id still like to see her win anyway. Because you can tell she really wants it. She gets emotional. She deserves it. She is just BETTER. She has a gift. Lee has pot.


We begin with Seacrest and those damn stairs once again. And once again, he does not fall.
He then tells us his name one last time, in case you werent listening the other 47 times.
Then, both contestants made really weird grand entrances from the audience ...Lee's was normal, and Crystals was the strangest thing ever. She dropped the micrphone as she was walking, so they made her walk BACK and start OVER, and then it looked like it was edited - badly - as they showed her looking baffled and forlorn and taking about 19 years to walk up to the stage. It looked like she walked up three times in a row. It was just odd.

At this point, the judges were introduced, and Kara's ridiculous hairstyle can only be explained by saying that she turned into a human powder puff. You know those large powder puff things that you powder your face with? Thats what she looked like with that stupid hairdo.

The contestants flipped a coin for running order, and Crystal won and chose to perform second. This just made her raping of Lee even more powerful with each round. It was like she was saying, with her talent and microphone, "Awww well that was adorable! Now heres a REAL performance for the people."

So, before I breakdown the 3 rounds of performances, let me ask you all a question. Were you all aware that Lee was a paint salesman working in a paint store before coming onto Idol? I mean, did you know that? That he was just an average everyday Joe, workin in a paint store, selling paint? And also, that he is a very nice person? Im not sure if you were aware, because they only mentioned these two things in every episode the entire season ABOUT 500 MOTHERF&**NG TIMES!!!! Im not even kidding, I counted the mention of Lee being a Paint Salesman in last nights episode at FOUR. Four times they said this. Simon said it, Seacrest said it ... hell, I was expecting that damn choir to SING it at us. WE GET IT. He is as American as apple pie. And paint. Enough already.

And, now, onto the raping...



ROUND ONE: SINGERS CHOICE

LEE: The Boxer

Not much to say here. It was another typical Lee performance. Very nice, pleasant, good, great song choice for him, etc etc. Im getting tired of saying that he looks stoned and zoned out all the time, but he does and its the only thing to say really. Except this - did you know he used to sell paint in a paint store?

CRYSTAL: Me and Bobby McGee

Let the raping begin with some classic Janis. I love the way she ends this song, so much soul and power in that voice. Just awesome.

Randys Dumb Comment: "Dude, that was dope, dude!" He managed to put the word DUDE in one sentence, twice, and to also refer to a female as dude. Dude, he is so out of touch. Dude.





ROUND TWO: PRODUCERS CHOICE

Lee: Everybody Hurts

I agree with Simon that this was a brilliant song choice for him by the producers. It was definately the strongest of his three performances. I just really feel like he maybe inhaled a little too much of that paint back when he ......worked ......in that paint store. You do know he worked in a paint store, right? As a paint salesman? Well he did. They should really stress that more.

Kara's Idiotic Comment: "Whats great about you Lee, is that you are sooo emotionally accessable." Um, really? No he not! Hes the complete opposite of that. He is a vapid nothing of emotion. The look on his face says "I am blank" all the time. He looks like he has never thought deeply about anything, ever. But hes a very nice person. Very nice.



Crystal: Black Velvet

Ahem. Was this not MY choice for Crystal in last weeks review? Did I not say she needs to sing Black Velvet because she would KILL that song? I believe this proves my genius. And she KILLED IT. That. kicked. ass. Although I have to say I was really scared, and I think she was too, that she would fall down those stairs in those heels. The whole time I was thinking "Nooo!! I dont want HER to fall! I want SEACREST to fall!" My husband and I BLASTED this performance like we always do with her, and it rocked our apartment.


ROUND THREE: UNEXPLAINABLE COVER SONGS TO BE RELEASED BY THE NEXT IDOL

I didnt understand this at all, did any of you? What is the purpose/meaning behind having the Idol winner release a cover of a song thats already been made popular by someone else? I thought they were supposed to be ARTISTS, not singers singing "kareoke" like Simon is always going off about? Why on EARTH would you give Lee a very famous U2 song to sing as his first release? In the past, Idol used to write a song FOR the contestants, and that would be their first song release. Yes, the songs Idol wrote were often lame as all hell, but at least they were originals! Hell, Crystal writes her own stuff, let her release one of HER OWN songs! This whole thing made no sense to me.

Lee: Beautiful Day by U2

As I said, having him sing this made no sense to me, and when I heard him murder it, it made even less sense. This is SUCH A GREAT SONG, and its filled with inspiration, energy, and LIFE. Lee takes the LIFE out of songs. He took the life and energy and zapped it right out of this song. That, and he was all over the place with the notes. I honestly thought it was terrible, and if (when) he wins the show tonight, its a bit of an embarassment I think because its SO OBVIOUS the huuuuge difference in talent between the two contestants. Hey, did you guys know he used to sell paint?

Crystal: Up To the Mountain

Perfect, perfect, perfect song choice for her, if youre gonna make them sing someone elses song, THIS was the perfect selection for Crystal. This is a song written by Patty Griffith and it refers to the famous Martin Luther King "Ive Been to the Mountaintop" Speech; and has been covered by many since the late 60s, including a beautiful version with Kelly Clarkson and Jeff Beck on guitar. I would put Bowersox's version right up there with the BEST of them, because it made me tear up while she was singing, and it made HER tear up at the end. Its just a gorgeous song with insanely beautiful touching lyrics. If the people who are voting dont vote for THAT girl and that performance, than thats really a shame. How anyone can listen to that and not fall in love with her or with music, is beyond me. As Simon said, "Outstanding!"


Randys Comment: "THIS is what this show is all about!!!" Really? Is it? Because I thougth that when Lee performed earlier ...THAT was what the show was all about? Or Casey in a previous episode, or Mike ... this has got to be the most overused statement of the entire season. Every judge has said this at LEAST once, and probably way more than once. What IS the goddamn show about, because you all seem to change your minds about that weekly. THIS is what the show is ALL ABOUT!!!! Uh huh. Okay.

The show ended with a short montage of some season highlights that were quite lame and not really highlights, but just pictures of random people and contestants staring into the camera, hugging, and crap like that. The last shot as they said goodnight was Ryan surrounded by the Top Ten contestants, who will all be back tonight. Look back at Boring Katies face if you can. She looks soooo bored by her own damn self and life. Cant wait to see those losers again tonight.

Actually, Im very much looking forward to tonights Finale. American Idol usually puts on a great finale, and normally comes up with some really great star/contestant combinations, so Im hoping to see Crystal perform with somebody awesome! Im also really quite sad about Simon's departure. To me, he is the heart of the show, or the heartbeat of the show. Im not sure what it will be like without him. Im sure it will survive and whoever the new judge is will be great, but it certainly will never be the same. At least not for me. I hope they give him a nice send-off tonight.

As for me and my Idol blogs, I shall not say goodbye just yet, as I will be writing a Part 2 after tonights finale. I cant end it here, without knowing who won the whole shebang.

So let the best woman win. Cuz shes pretty amazing.

p.s. Lee used to sell paint in a paint store.

AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW -The "Lets Lube Up and Have a Foursome With Lee" Episode

You heard me. This week is the TOP 3 Battle for the Finale, and within seconds of this episode's beginning, its obvious who the judges heavy favorite is. Do I even need to say it? Lee Dwyze. But more on that later. First, there are other pressing things to discuss, like Seacrest's gay entrance.

Down the stairs he tumbled; until his orange, tan-in-a-bottle skin smeared all along each step of the stage .... Oh, wait. That was a dream I had. The reality was more like this:

Seacrest: (as he walked down each step overdramatically, and stood next to each contestant, announcing their hometown and state) "Elliston, Ohio. Mount Prospect, Illinois. Cool, Texas ...and, Douchebag, Seacrest! This is the fight for me to get even more attention where its not deserved ...and THIS ........................................ is AMERICAN IDOL!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So after Ryan made it down the steps successfully (DAMN YOU, SEACREST!), he went on to introduce the judges: Randy "I wear retarded ugly diamond shaped sweaters to distract you from the fact that I'm not relevant" Jackson, Ellen "I look like a little boy in this striped blue shirt and lameass collar, and my orange foundation is caked on my face and is about to fall off on HD TV" DeGenerous, Kara "noone knew who the F*k I was until I was on this show" DiGuardi, and Simon "I'm the only Judge with any sort of purpose and whose opinion matters, so I'm leaving the show" Cowell.

Next, the Final 3 Contestants were brought out, at which point Seacrest asked the audience who their favorite was, and massive screams of LEE!!!! WE LOVE YOU LEEE!!!! LEEEE!!!! OMG LEE!!! PUT YOUR PENIS IN MY VAGINA LEE!!!! came from the audience. Gee, I wonder who the favorite is.

Casey, Crystal, and Lee got to sing two songs each; one chosen by them, and one chosen FOR them by the judges. They do this every year on Idol with the top three, and each time they do it, you can always tell who the judges want to win the title of American Idol by the song choices they make for each contestant. You can also usually tell how badly the contestants want or dont want the same title, based on their song selections. If you are in the Top 3 of American Idol and you STILL dont know how to pick a damn song that makes you stand out, is somehow relevant, and markets you as a future star ...well...youre kind of a moron. Which brings me to Casey, who is up first:



ROUND ONE / CONTESTANT'S CHOICE:


CASEY JAMES: "Okay, Its Alright With Me" by Eric Hutchison.

Okay, youre going home because you just picked the lamest, most boring, unforgettable, pointless, generic song on the planet to sing. This song did absolutely nothing, NOTHING, for Casey's talent or voice. I mean, really Casey? Seriously? THIS is what you are going with to show yourself for perhaps the final time ever? This is the TOP THREE!!! This is to get into the FINAL! And you go with a song that sounds exactly like about 1,000 other songs on earth, and that I have heard in a dentist office while half-numbed on novicaine? I just have nothing to say here, because it was such a nothing song. But as usual, your hair was flowing and beautiful, like a horses mane. Or a unicorn. And thats Alright With Me.




CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: "Come To My Window" by Melissa Ethridge.

Okay, sure, maybe this song was a tad bit "obvious" of a choice for her, and she can probably sing it in her sleep. And maybe she should have gone with something a bit more risky or unpredicted. That being said - I loved hearing Crystal rock out some Melissa, this is what she LOVES to sing, the harmonica was great, loved her vocals and rhythms, and she played it up well. On a scale of 1 to 10, it was about a 6.5. But in comparison to Casey's borefest, it was an eleven.



LEE DYWZE: "Simple Man" by Leonard Skynard.

First off, if ever there was a song title that perfectly described the person singing the song, it is this. A simple man he is. And a stoned one too. As far as the song choice and performance, A Simple Man was .... well.... simple. I still say he has pitch issues; and that although he is definately talented, he is nowhere NEAR the level of talent as Crystal; who is a multi-faceted woman who can sing any genre, style, or song and do it with killer vocals in addition to playing piano, guitar, harmonica and who knows what else .... But really, lets be honest here. Does it even matter? Between everyone screaming his name in every episode, him never being in the bottom two, and the judges obvious favoritism toward him; he is CLEARLY going to be the winner here. Lee could get on the stage and FART an entire song, and the judges would all proclaim how brilliant it was. This song, for example, was a good solid choice. But "Brilliant" Randy? Really? No. Not brilliant. "You crushed the other contestants!" Really? Im sorry, but thats just not true. Casey crushed himself, and Crystal has never been crushed by Lee. Its just not the case. Lee's performance and song choice was good. A tiny bit above average. That is all.

Lee's Inner Monologue As the Judges Spoke: "Duuuuuuude.... Im sooooo stoned right now ....but Im totally gonna WIN this thing dude..... they looove me dude... Im so stoked dude! Dude...."






ROUND TWO/ JUDGE'S CHOICE:

CASEY JAMES: Kara and Randy chose "Daughters" by John Meyer.

Sigh. Okay. This is a perfectly lovely and sweet song. Its very pretty. But risky? No. Memorable? No. Will it make him stand out? No. Am I answering all my own questions like Kara does? Yes. It is SO OBVIOUS by this song choice who the judges want voted off the show, and let me give you a hint: his hair glistens in the stagelights and his name rhymes with LACEY. Here's another hint: its not Crystal or Lee. The judges JUST spent five minutes grilling Casey about how generic and forgettable his last song choice was, and then they go and give him a song thats GENERIC AND FORGETFUL! More importantly, when Casey sang this song, he sounded exactly like John Meyer. It was like American Idol got Meyer to come and perform on the Idol stage without paying a cent! Casey stripped himself completely away from that song, and did a very good impression of Meyers distinctive voice. The guitar was sweet. The hair was perfection. But bye bye Casey - Im sorry to say - you are NOT the Biggest Loser - oh sorry - wrong manipulative reality show. Ahem. You are not the American Idol. Lets take a sad look back at all your memorable moments on the show while we make you sing the very song that got you kicked off.

Kelley's Song Choice for Casey:
"Rockin Horse" by The Allman Brothers. Or "Im In You" by Peter Frampton. Actually, this was my husbands choice from day one for Casey, and I totally agree. He has a very Frampton vibe. My husband said, and I quote:"If Casey got up there with that hair and that guitar and started singing Frampton's "Im In You", every girl watching would be all wet." My response: Ewwww. But he's right.




CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Ellen chose "Maybe Im Amazed" by Paul McCartney.

The absolute perfect choice for Crystal. Its not something youd ever expect her to sing or choose on her own, its definately risky in the sense that she was challenged vocally AND didnt use an instrument, and it was a big contrast to her first song performance. And wow, did this song ever show off her vocal range even more than before. Excellent choice by Ellen. One of my favorite Crystal performances. I actually watched her sing it 3x in a row, because after the first time, I wanted to hear it again, but louder. Then while I was playing it the second time, my husband walked in and said "She sounds incredible, you gotta rewind that and let me hear it." So yeah. Maybe Im Amazed at how freakin talented this girl is. See? See what I did there? See how I took the title of the song and then made a silly pun about Crystal? I suck.

Kelley's Song Choice for Crystal: Well, I LOVED Ellen's choice, so Id probably still go with that, but some other ones my husband and I came up with that we would LOVE to hear her sing include: "Black Velvet" by Alanna Myles, "Piano in the Dark" by Brenda Russell, "Change of Heart" by Cyndi Lauper, and "Jazz Man" by Carole King.



LEE DYWZE: Simon chose "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen.

Oh, where do I even begin with this one. There are soooo many things to address here. Let's start with the fact that this song has been sung on Idol probably, oh, 754 times. Yeah, lets go with that. Maybe even 46 times this season alone. But Simon proclaimed that we had never heard it the way that Lee was giong to sing it. Okay. Whatever.

Now lets talk about my title for this blog. The judges basically sat there throughout this entire hour and stuffed their heads up Lee's stoned ass, and that treatment was made perfectly clear with this last performance. Once again, it was a good, solid performance. A GOOD performance. Maybe slightly better than good, perhaps somewhere between good and kind of great. But thats as far as Ill go, and Im really being generous here. It did not give me chills like Crystals song did. I watched it. It was pleasant, nice, then it was over. And then I heard the thunderous, boisterious applause and the standing ovations and the massive overreaction from EVERYONE and just thought to myself, "Huh? Did I just miss something here? Did this guy just get up there and cure cancer? Did he give his kidney to an audience member, or his heart to Simon? Whats going on here?" So I rewound and watched it again, because I beleive in giving people second chances and not judging too soon. The second time I watched it, I had the same reaction that it was a good to maybe great performance, but I also starting noticing all of the MANY MANY MANY manipulative ways in which the judges and the show tried to shove Lee down our collective throats, practically SCREAMING at us to VOTE HIM INTO THE FINAL and make him win this show!!!! So in case you didnt get the message America, here is how American Idol commanded you to vote for Lee and told us he should be the winner:

1. They gave him the LAST spot on the show, the final performer, the one that everbody is supposed to remember when they vote.
2. They chose a song titled HALLELUJAH for him to sing, which is a beautiful but non risky song thats been sung several thousand times before on the show, and also a song that they KNOW middle America will eat up and vote for.
3. They gave him the "choir" performance. You know, the emotional, open the curtain cuz here comes the Choir!!! song performance that automatically adds depth vocally , visually, and emotionally to any song. It basically screams THIS IS THE SONG WE WANT YOU TO REMEMBER TONIGHT!!! , even if its not the best one. Honestly, they should have just put Lee up on a cross and proclaimed him as Jesus, because it seemed like thats what they were going for here.
4. SIMON chose his song. Everyone knows Simon is the most important judge on the show, and he usually gets to choose the song for HIS favorite contestant, or the one that they all want to make sure gets to the final two and hopefully wins. Lee is Simon's baby. He has claimed him.
5. They keep mentioning over and over that Lee was just a simple guy workin in a Paint Shop, etc. They are trying so hard to create this whole image of the workin man, simple guy, All American dude, etc. Seriously, we get it. Enough already.
6. The fact that they ALL jumped all over themselves to compliment him up and down on BOTH songs, and none of them disagreed at all. Really? They all thought he was the clear winner tonight? And none of you have any sort of different opinion on this? Hmmm, interesting.
7. All of the many "this is your night, this is your moment" type comments. Why is it HIS night? Isnt it all of their nights? And before Lee even sang the damn song, Simon was pushing it on the audience as his MOMENT on the show. Yes, his pre-determined moment complete with choir and a baffling amount of screaming applause.

Here are some of the judges comments after Lees final performances:

Randy: "Your biggest moment!!!"
Ellen: "Stunning!!!"
Kara: "You owned the entire night!!!!"
Simon: "Youre a great person! This is your night and your moment!"

Youre a great person? Whats that supposed to mean? Are Casey and Crystal child molestors now? Its getting a bit out of control. So, judges ....... please lube up and get that foursome going with Lee. Thats right. Just gently insert your heads directly into his ass. Brilliant. No, no, Seacrest ...you are not invited to this orgy. Youre just the host. So stand there and give your arrogant commentary.

My husbands Song Choice for Lee: (I didnt have one because I was too stunned at all the hoopla surrounding him that I coudlnt think of anything) "Photographs and Memories" by Jim Croce.


Meanwhile, at THE CHILDS house:

Mommy: Cmon child, its almost 9pm, time for beddy-bye!
Child: Nooooo mom!!! I wanna stay up and watch the rest of Idollllll!!!!
Mommy: Child, you know its way past your bedtime. Go on now and get into your feety pajamas and mommy will read you a story.
Child: Okay mommy. Youre the best mommy EVER!

Kelley's Song Choices for THE CHILD: One,Two,Buckle My Shoe
Hush Little Baby
Im a Little Teapot
Theres a Hole in My Bucket
On Top of Spaghetti

In conclusion: Congratulations Lee Dywze, Youre the Next AMERICAN IDOL!

And hey, thats okay with me I guess, because Crystal will probably be even MORE of a hit if she doesnt win the show but is the runner-up.

The real question is this: whatever am I going to mock and write about once this show is over? I feel empty inside.

AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW -The "Has Simon EVER seen a Movie?" Episode

Well, it's Movie Week, folks. So of course we begin the show with Seacrest walking through the final four, as we are forced to stare at giant movie screen versions of each of their creepy faces. This left me screaming out loud in my seat, and vowing to never see Michael Lynch or Lee Dwyze in a motion picture. They both have frighteningly large noggins that should never appear on a large screen.

Seacrest then said his repetitively annoying catch phrase of "THIS .............is American Idol!", but they attempted to choreograph the final 4 all turning their heads at the same time after the word THIS. It was supposed to be for dramatic effect, but since they apparently couldnt handle the simple act of turning their heads at the exact same time, it was instead an epic fail.

Then, just in case you still dont know who Ryan Seacrest is, he reminded you by saying "My name's Ryan Seacrest." Is it? Because I didnt know that. So thanks for explaining to me who you are again. God forbid we go five seconds without Seacrest plugging himself and his enormous ego. Its ALL about you, Ryan. Don't ever forget that.

The judges were introduced, and for some odd reason, Ellen was dressed in layers and a large scarf as if braving for a blizzard. Kara, on the other hand, had false eyelashes and massive amounts of glitter on her eyelids. Im pretty sure she was sent over in a Delorian from 1986. Simon wore his usual garb, and Randy is still pointless, and made no impact on anyone.

This Weeks Theme: Songs from The Movies. And as Saecrest pointed out, who better to help out for this category than Jamie Foxx? Well, honestly, I can probably think of a LOT of people I would have chosen over him, but that's a whole other story. I will just say that Jamie Foxx annoys me. He comes across as pompous to me, always has. Many times, Ive heard him refer to himself in first person, like "Mr. Foxx likes that!" or something equally as weird. The man's never done anything to me and I dont know him personally, but he rubs me the wrong way. Mr. Foxx gets on my nerves.

Nevertheless, he was the mentor, and he brought t-shirts for the final four to help motivate them. One said CONTESTANT and the other said ARTIST. The idea was you had to earn your Artist title, even though he pretty much gave it to everyone anyway. I think he should have had more options to choose from, such as: STONED OUT OF MY MIND, I HAVE AN ENORMOUS HEAD, AMERICAN IDOL TOOK MOST OF THE YELLOW OUT OF MY TEETH, and MY HAIR GLISTENS IN THE MOONLIGHT. For a fun home-game, you can guess which t-shirt belongs to which player.

And now, onto the performances:

THE CHILD: Oh wait ... there IS no child!!! HA HA HA!!! Imagine my giddiness when it was announced that The Child would be sent packing last week, even though for the first time in his 7 year life, he DIDNT suck on his song performance. But it didnt matter! He still went home! Bye bye child! Enjoy your time home with mommy. I hope youre allowed to stay up late and watch your cute little friends. Aww.. the only negative here is that I can no longer mock him, and mocking him is such fun. I will need to find a way to continue this hobby of The Child Mocking, even though he is Idol-no-more....

LEE DWYZE: Kiss From A Rose / From the Motion Picture "Batman Forever"

Eh. Where to start? Ill go back to what I always say about this kid. He looks high. And bored. Yes, he looks bored by his own self while singing. He looks like he is going to fall asleep at any minute, and like he wont make it to the next note without falling over of exhaustion. I dont know what it is about this guy, but he just always seems about 5 steps behind of whatever is happening on EARTH. Also, much like Danny Gokey of last year, this dude is off-key and has major pitch issues a LOT, and yet noone cares or hears it. I dont get it. He sounded way off to me. I like what he is about, what hes going for, but he never seems to succeed at it in my eyes. I know everybody loves him and he will probably end up in the top 2, but I personally dont get too excited over him. As far as the song choice, I like this song, and I LOVE Seal's voice and version of it. So that made it hard to judge too, because noone will ever sound as beautiful as Seal does on this song. Lee was average at best, didnt do much with it, and it was pretty forgetful overall.

Lee's DUH Comment: "I came across this song and uh...I said uh...I enjoy singing it and so...Im gonna sing it." Wow really? That is very deep Lee. Thank you for sharing that part of your soul with us.



MICHAEL LYNCH: I Will Be There / From the Motion Picture "Free Willy"

Free Willy? Really? Thats your choice out of all the songs in the universe from all the wonderful, Oscar winning, amazing films out there, and you choose Free Willy? Okay then. It took me half the song to get over the fact that he chose this dumb song about a stupid whale from a dumbass silly movie, but once I did, I listened and Mike had some good vocals goin on. Nothing spectacular of course, but way better than Snoozeboy Pothead.

Simon's "Im Completely Out of Touch" Comment #1: "I have no idea what FREE WILLY is. Is it about a whale? Or a willy?"




LEE - CRYSTAL DUET: Falling / from Motion Picture "Once"

I can honestly say I never in a million years thought that I would want to hear or see these two people singing together. I figured it would be a trainwreck. But you know what? This was probably my favorite performance of the night, along with the second duet. Their voices somehow unexpectedly meshed, and I love the song, and it just sounded really good. I would download that. As far as the whole face to face guitar playing thing, that was a bit strange. Kind of artsy and cool, but also a bit stalkerish. I hope Crystal brushed her yellow teeth and that Lee had some breath mints after his gallon of pot. And now that we are on the subject of TOO CLOSE SINGING , what was up with Jamie Foxx getting in all the mens faces and making them sing to him and SEDUCE him? That was bizarre, and probably just some sort of excuse for Mr. Foxx to get his rocks off. Weirdo.


CASEY JAMES: Mrs. Robinson / from the Motion Picture "The Graduate"

Loved the mandolin. Liked the song choice for him. Hey, at least it was a classic movie and not Free Willy. He sounded good on the song and I think he did add some Casey elements to the performance, changed up the rhythms a bit, and made it his own. And most importantly, his hair was back down and flowing. Hair up=bad. Hair down = good. As far as the Kara jokes and their whole flirtation thing, Im getting a bit tired of it. Its no longer funny, its a tad creepy, and you can tell Kara LOVES being the center of attention. She is really annoying.

Simons "Im Out of Touch" Comment #2:"I wont even ask what this movie is about."




CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Im Alright / from the Motion Picture "Caddyshack"

I love that Crystal chose to do the theme song from Caddyshack. Why? Because its silly, fun, and not something anyone would expect her to choose. And she kicked ass on it. This performance actually reminded me a bit of Melissa Ethridge, she really rocked loose and her vocals were awesome here. This was my fave of the solo performances by far, but I didnt think any of the solo songs were as good as the two duets, which were both fantastic.



MIKE - CASEY Duet: Have You Ever Loved A Woman / Motion Picture "Don Juan Demarco"

I thought this song was sexy, beautiful, and that their voices meshed really well on the choruses. Caseys guitar sounded great, and the harmonies were lovely. I would also download this song. Loved this performance, an unexpected surprise.


Ellens Funny Comment: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I have loved a woman." That made me giggle.

So, to sum up: The Child drinks warm milk and gets tucked in by mommy, Ellen is apparently freezing, Kara likes young boys, Mr. Foxx likes himself and also enjoys young boys staring into his eyes as they sing love songs, Seacrest is a douche and ...wait... is Randy still on the show?

I have absolutely NO idea who is going home. Your thoughts?

AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW - The "Mentor Who Mentors" Episode

Okay, so I will start out by admitting that I have always had a HUGE crush on Harry Connick Jr. Ever since he did the soundtrack for one of my favorite movies ever, "When Harry Met Sally" back in my high school days, he has been the cutest, most talented, funniest, dorkiest, cutest (I know, I already said that) man alive. Oh, and his voice ...its like buttah. Plus it doesnt hurt that he plays piano AND has amazing comic timing. So when I heard that he would be the guest mentor on this weeks episode, I immediately got excited. I also had high expectations for what he would do, and he did not disappoint.

Not only did Connick mentor the contestants by giving them sound advice and great musical suggestions, he also composed and arranged ALL of the songs to fit each Idol singers personality, and then played piano as backup in the live show along with several members of his big band. The results were incredible. Musically, this was one of my favorite episodes of Idol ever. It was such a blast watching Connick work and seeing his passion up there on the stage. He also managed to make me like the performances of almost every contestant - despite the fact that I dont like every contestant. Best of all, Connick actually made a dent with his mentoring abilities. Unlike past mentors such as Miley Cyrus and Alicia Keys, who both pretty much said the same thing over and over again to every single person; ("you need to really FEEL the song"), Harry seemed to actually know that Lee needs different direction than Mike; and so on and so on..........

Let us begin. Seacrest once again comes down the stairs to that dramatic Idol theme song. And despite all my many prayers for him to please fall down that staircase, it still hasnt happened. This week, when he got to the bottom of those steps, he looked at Harry, who then announced Ryan's line "THIS .....is AMERICAN IDOL!" You could tell that Seacrest died a little bit inside.

Then - dramatic music - and then, Seacrest came down the stairs again, for a second time. What the f**k? What did he do, run back up to the top just so he could walk down AGAIN and this time have ALL eyes on him and only him? Such a camera whore.

At this point, we were introduced to the judges, and to the buttoned-down shirt of Simon, whose hairy chest was prominantly featured. Also featured were the songs of Frank Sinatra, and sitting in the audience was Sinatra's two creepy-esque odd-looking daughters, who unexplainably presented Simon with one of Frank's initialed handkerchiefs. Great. The snot-rag of a dead legend. Just what he's always wanted Im sure.

Then came the performances--


THE CHILD: Fly Me to The Moon.

The Child was once again up first, so that he could still make it to bed nice and early while his mommy reads him a bedtime story. You know, the mommy he creepily sang about last week with a romantic tune. Everything on this kid is gigantic. His ears are huge. His fingers. His eyebrows. Even the microphone looks like one of those big toy microphones that you give to kids or that you hold while singing kareoke. He looked bizarre in his suit/vest combo. Once again, he appeared as some tiny kid who was playing dress up on a pretend show and singing a pretend song with lyrics that he knows nothing about and has never experienced. He sounded really okay ... good actually ... but I just cannot get over his childlike appearance and demeanor. With each lyric he sang, and everytime he crooned "anotherwords, I love you...." I justkept picturing him saying those words to his mommy as she tucked him into bed at night and turned on his Snoopy nightlight. But hey, what do I know? The judges seem to enjoy him, and the stupid little girls seem to LOVE the kid. At this point, my FEAR is that he will be in the (gasp) Final Two. Let's just not talk about it and pretend it's not happening.


CASEY: Blue Skies.

Oh Casey. Dear, sweet Casey. Cute Casey in your adorable purple shirt and your newish beardlike-beard growing in. I am so sorry to report that I truly think youll be going home tonight. You just looked so very awkward up there, like someone threw you onto the stage and demanded that you sing Sinatra or die. "SING IT KID! OR I MURDER YOUR FAMILY!" I actually felt kind of bad for him when the judges all told him how badly he sucked it one by one. I hate to see him go, but Its happening, I know it. Poor Casey. I still think youre cute, but after Harry Connick, youre nothing to me now. NOTHING!!!!!


Awkward Seacrest Moment: In between acts, the "out to prove that I know everyone in Hollywood" Seacrest introduced Anthony Hopkins, who was sitting in the audience. Hopkins looked like he wanted to eat his face off, Hanibal Lector style. I wish he would have.


CRYSTAL: Summer Wind.

The judges werent overly excited about this performance, but I strongly disagree. I think Crystal's version of this song was gorgeous, and most of all, passionate and emotional. It was obvious the song meant something to her, and she delivered it with such interesting and beautiful phrasing. She also looked like she stepped right out of that era, which I find amazing. The woman can sing anything you throw at her. I loved it.



MIKE: The Way You Look Tonight.

Simply put, I love his voice. Its so pure and soft and powerful and bluesy and soulful, all at once.
I thougth he was truly in his element here, and looked like he totally belonged up there. And Harrys arrangement was fantastic. Im still hoping and praying for my dream Crystal/Mike Finale.


"What the F**k" Moment: Who the hell was that random guy RUNNING away and out of stageview when they came back from commercial? Its like something sinister was going on during break, and then he quickly ran off so noone would notice.


LEE: That's Life.

Well, just when I was all set to hate him again, he goes and gives a pretty kickass performance. I cant make up my mind about this dude. One week he sounds like a cheese grater is stuck in his throat, and the next he is damn good. He doesnt have my favorite kind of voice, I think thats what it comes down to. So sometimes he sounds like crap to me, and other times, when the songs right, he sounds good on it. In this episode, with this great arrangement, he sounded good. Really good. But I still felt like he was stoned and drunk - I felt like I was at a wedding and some drunk weird guy got up and grabbed the mic and started randomly singing. Yet, somehow, it worked.


So, to sum up: Seacrest still sucks. Simon is hairy. Kara still looks like a Muppet. Ellen is an elf. Randy is pointless. Casey is going home. Nothing incredibly funny happened on this episode. The Child might win it all, and then I shall cry.

Your thoughts?

AMERICAN IDOL REVIEW -The "Crash this TWAIN into a Truck because this is the blandest Episode Ever" Episode

Holy Shania! I would have written this review sooner, but I just woke up from my nap. Normally I have all kinds of trouble sleeping, but this episode of Idol was so bland and uninteresting (just like Shania Twain), that I had no problem at all.

Seacrest opened the show by giving the six remaining contestants cutesy introductions: "A salesman -- a glassblower --- an absentee father ---- a painter --- a joker --- a smoker --- a lover--- a fighter --- and me; an Asshole. I'm Ryan Seacrest, and THIS ---- is American Idol!!!!"

Then he introduced us to the judges, and that frightening thing around Kara's neck.

And then he announced that the Idol hopefuls would be mentored by Shania Twain (yawn), AND that they would be singing her songs. (really?) I will admit Im not a country fan, so Im probably biast, but I do like some country. Real country. Old-school country, like Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton, Johny Cash, etc etc. I am not a fan of most modern country. But even more, I am soooooo not a fan of Shania Twain. In fact, I will go so far as to say I hate her music. I find it boring, shallow, meaningless, and lacking of all soul. Basically, shes a cute girl who makes sexy videos and nothing more. Her songs are terrible. So to hear that the Idols would be singing her songs only made me incredibly frustRATED (as Simon says.) I just kept thinking "Oh wow, Im going to hate everyone tonight." And honestly, I wasnt too far off. Sitting through this episode was a bit like watching one hour of different people getting up onstage and scraping their nails on a chalkboard, and then having someone go "Okay, so which one did you like best?" Well, they ALL were terribly uncomfortable and BAD because its nails on a chalkboard. But, if youre going to demand I give you an answer as to who was best at that, well then I guess Ill go with Crystal, Casey and Mike. So lets begin .....



LEE: Youre Still the One. The judges liked this for some reason. I, on the other hand, thought he sounded like a dump truck driving down a dirt road and constantly shifting gears; using a stick shift. It sounded to me like he was singing 5 different songs and kept changing keys. Very weird, not pleasant, and a little bit ear-piercing. I did not enjoy this performance at ALL. And when Randy said its one of the greatest written songs of all time, I sort of wanted to puke. No. Its an overplayed mess of a cheesy song that about 4 million people have used as their wedding song. Actually, the only time I hear this song is at a cheesy wedding, or at the dentist office. This is dentist office music. Yuck.

MIKE: It Only Hurts When I Breathe. Okay. I thought he did a lovely job with this song, but again, didnt like the song. At all. Sitting through this episode was painful, but Mikes performance was one of the least offensive ones in a night full of crap. And then Simon called it "wet." Okay Simon. Sure.

CASEY: Don't. As in, don't ever leave my tv screen you sexy man. He wore his hair down tonight which I quite enjoy. His hair really DOES glisten in the stagelights, Im not joking. Look at it next time. His performance was nice as well, but again, the song sucked.


CRYSTAL: Noone Needs to Know. I liked the jam feel of her performance, and it was really the only one that felt "country" to me. I liked that she chose a song with a bit of a bluesy, happy feel.

Kara's "answering her own Question" moment: Kara always does this. She asks and then answers her own questions. She did it with Crystal and she does it all the time. "Did I like it? Yes I did. Was it your best performance? No." See a shrink lady.


THE CHILD: You Got A Way. For some unknown reason, the judges went absolutely apeshit over this performance, as if it were the most wondrous thing they have ever heard in their lives. Ummm, he was offkey and sounded horrible and shaky. And once again ---that song is waaay too serious for an 8 year old. The way you hold me, love me, etc etc .... and then the topper. He says "I was singing about my mom." Well, let me just say on behalf of all humans everywhere .... Eeeewwww!!! Your MOM? Are you kidding me? That song is clearly a love song, he had to take OUT the phrase "making love to you" so he could make it about his MOM. They all went on and on about how "sincere" he was. Ummm, yeah, of course he was sincere. He was singing to his MOMMY!!! He is a freakin child singing to his mommy. Somebody please get this kid off the stage immediately. Im starting to get really worried that hes going to be around in the final four. Or two. Or ONE. Really. Its a concern.


SIOBAN: Any Man of Mine. They went mental over her as well, and I dont get why. Once again, I found her screaming note at the end to be forced and phony, and not at all coming from a real place. It felt like it didnt fit with the song. And the whole thing felt so kareoke to me. The weird outfit from 1984, the kneesocks, the white, and her whacked out hair again. And those nutty eyes of hers. I swear she murders people at night. She cuts them with her sharp teeth and then stares at them with those creepy big eyes and screams long-winded notes into their ears until they beg to be killed.

Thats sort of how I felt tonight through this entire episode. I just wanted it to end already. Make it stop. Please.